Name: Bill Burr Makes Joe Rogan Die of Laughter for 11 Minutes Straight
Uploaded: 2023-07-30T17:17:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Makes Joe Rogan Die of Laughter for 11 Minutes Straight' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Makes Joe Rogan Die of Laughter for 11 Minutes Straight' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-30. Transcript available.

You see the fucking, you know, the same people that were going in and out of
the house
who are not part of their family still going in and out of the house.
You want people to walk down the street with a mask on?
Let's not start this, John.
Do you, though?
Let's not start this.
Let's start it.
I don't want to start this.
Bullshit.
I'm not going to sit here with no medical degree, listening to you with no
medical degree,
with an American flag behind you, smoking a cigar, acting like we know what's
up,
better than the CDC.
All I do is I listen, I watch the news once every two weeks.
I'm like, mask or no mask?
Still mask?
All right, mask.
That's all I give a fuck about.
I don't care.
And then everybody wore the fucking masks.
This is like rollerblading.
Everybody fucking rollerbladed.
And then there was that one fucking homophobic joke.
And then everybody acted like they never did it.
And then a hundred million fucking rollerblades got thrown into the fucking
ocean.
We all wore masks.
And then all of a sudden, people are fucking sitting there.
What?
You don't have the body type for it, dude.
Your fucking knuckles would scrape on the ground.
Even with that extra two inches.
I just love how wearing a mask became like this fucking soft thing.
I don't know what you were talking about.
That's great.
Anything that I say.
I don't watch it.
I envy you.
At all.
I envy that.
That you just do that.
You just shut everything down.
Me, every day, I check what part of the world's on fire right now.
I don't like hysteria.
I don't like making decisions with hysteria.
And I, like, I, I, when I first became a dad, the hysteria of other parents, I
would just,
I would be looking at them, but I wasn't listening.
Because, oh, that's all, that's what was the tone of everything we're saying.
You know, better get some sleep now.
And you'd be like, and then anytime you say anything positive about your kid.
How old's your kid?
Seven weeks.
Oh, yeah.
How is, ah, she's great.
She's great.
Oh, oh, wait till seven and a half weeks.
It's like, it's like, dude, maybe you suck at it.
Yeah.
How about that?
Yeah.
You're sitting there with your fucking legs trembling.
What are you fucking talking?
Is it Hannity?
I don't know who he is.
No, it's not Hannity.
Hannity was the guy who they, they put with that fucking, that, that, like, rooster
at
the end, a chick in the end of his life looking guy.
Like, here's your liberal.
Dude, and all my relatives who are conservative, like, I mean, look at him.
I mean, he's so meek.
It's like, this thing is cast like a show.
Yeah.
Who was that guy that he was with?
Hannity and Combs.
Remember that?
Hannity and Combs.
And the one guy looked like he was on death's door, and he was the liberal.
Oh, he was gray.
Yeah.
He was gray.
And the other guy looked like a football hero, astronaut with a square jaw.
Yeah, big, thick face.
Nice fucking head of hair.
Yeah, nice head of hair.
The other guy with the little glasses.
He looked like Mr. Burns, right?
Yes.
And he had no spine.
He had no, he wasn't strong arguer.
He was there, he was the Washington generals.
And the other guy was the Globetrotters.
Conservative point.
Like, buddy, let's just sit down for a second.
You were on a bicycle.
You wanted to burn some calories.
You're obviously into it by the way you're dressed.
Okay?
You're enjoying America's great parks.
Right.
You come across these kids, you know, do you like kids?
Have you ever attacked a kid before?
They're just putting a piece of paper up with the point of view.
Like, what do you think led up to that level of a response?
Because I have to be honest.
Like, we've all fucking snapped.
My favorite part was the sound of his, the bottom of his shoes that clip into
the pedals.
The click, click, click, click, click.
He sounded like a little show pony.
He was trying to growl like a tiger.
And he sounded like my pretty pony.
Like, somebody should have been combing his hair.
So, I remember, because I was joking with him, I remember a long time ago, the
Grill 93, this old Dick Doherty room.
I remember that joint.
So, two guys were about ready to go at it in the club.
And the bouncer gets him outside.
Okay?
And this guy's trying to say his point of view.
And he put his hand on his shoulder.
He goes, he goes, he goes, no, all I was trying to do, he barely, barely went
like that on his shirt.
And he goes, okay, first of all, don't touch me.
That's what the bouncer said.
And just immediately, it was here.
And then it went to here.
And then those two guys started yelling at each other.
And then, I don't know what the fuck.
He just twisted the guy up and took him out.
And I forget who the fuck I was with.
We were fucking dying laughing.
It just became a catchphrase between us.
He would come up, hey, Bill, you're working this weekend?
Okay, first of all, don't touch me.
You immediately just escalate it where it just becomes a what the fuck.
And then, first of all, don't touch me.
From 90% of guys is immediately going to put you in your ego.
That is beautiful.
You need one of those in your life, Bill.
I do.
I need you driving one of those.
This is what I love about my wife.
I'll show her that.
I go, what do you think about that?
She's like, that's a fucking good looking car.
She would be cool if I got something like that, I think.
For sure.
Yeah.
But look at that color.
I'm too fair skinned to drive that.
You need olive skin.
No, no.
Or more.
You could pull it off.
You could pull it off.
You need one of them paper boy hats, though.
No, that thing would fucking, that thing would blend too much in with my beard.
I'd just look like, it'd be the gingermobile.
What color would you get?
In high school, everyone had pubes.
Even in college, everyone had pubes.
The apex of pubes was the 70s.
Yeah, but in the 80s, they had it too.
But you were proud of your pubes.
In the 70s?
In the 70s.
Yeah.
Dude, I remember like, you'd go to the fucking public pool, and the chicks had
like, there
was like shit coming out the sides.
I remember thinking while I was a little kid, like, oh my God, I can see your
pubes.
Yeah, pubes were hot.
I can be on here.
You want to?
Why, Joe?
No big deal.
You're a clean freak or something.
Look at me.
I'm cutting up his ashes like it's coke.
Yeah, that takes me back to Chelsea, going around the apex.
I have a cocaine memory from, I never did coke, but of this lady doing it.
I was coming home from Kelly's roast beef.
Joe Rogan on coke.
Wow.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm smart enough to realize it's not for me.
What about me?
Yeah.
We were driving.
I can snap on weed.
I don't need to be doing coke.
Weed and an espresso, and you're ready to fight.
We were realizing how much longevity Holyfield had, and Holyfield started as a
cruiserweight.
I remember when he beat Dwight Muhammad Kawi for the cruiserweight title, and
then gained all this weight to go up.
I remember when he was a cruiserweight in the 80s when I was lifting and I was
young and all that shit.
I was like, that's the body I want.
That's what I'm going for.
Of course, I couldn't get it, but I was like, that's the shape I want to be in.
You know how stupid I look if I fucking look like that?
Oh, you look amazing.
Going on stage, telling jokes.
Just wear something that covers it up a little bit.
What, a poncho?
Like going out with a big square body?
Outlaw Josie Wales.
Yeah.
Outlaw Josie Wales poncho.
Yeah, you flip it over and you got a Mikey to take it out.
Wah, wah, wah.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
This is round 10.
Look at the people standing up.
I'm not going to be heard and things are going to go in a way I don't want them
to be.
So the second there's a suggestion different than mine, I catastrophize in my
head and I
don't just go be like, well, you know what?
Actually, I can't do that because I'm doing Joe's podcast.
Maybe I could do that tomorrow.
I just hear the information and feel like I have no power.
And then I go, oh, what the fuck?
Then my wife's like, I just asked a question.
And then I am so fucking up here.
I have to like, it takes, it only takes me like two minutes.
And then I come in, I put my head to the side of her head and I just go, I'm
sorry.
I don't want to tell you, you married a fuck up.
You blew it.
You're not good at, you're not good at reading people.
You have no one to blame but yourself.
Like that, I apologize like an asshole.
So, I don't know.
Have you gone to therapy?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
What about meditating?
You ever meditate?
Yeah, but I find the guy's voice is fucking annoying.
You don't have to listen to a guy.
He won't shut up.
Every time I'm getting there, he starts fucking talking again.
And then he's using this really soothing, caring voice
that makes me face all of that shit that I didn't get growing up,
which makes me angry at this person that's trying to help me.
Wow.
Yeah.
Quarantining is not a bad thing if you...
Can't say you enjoy a sunset, Joe.
You can't do that.
Why can't you?
Shut up.
But I do.
You know why.
I know you do.
I know.
But the thing about you is you can also beat the shit out of most people in a
fucking room.
So, you got that.
So, people can be like, oh, wow.
You know, they actually want to hear that from you.
When they see you spin and heel kick, they want to know that you enjoy a sunset.
Because, like, I don't want...
If this guy's as angry as I am and can do all of that shit, what are my odds of
getting out of here?
So, you want to see that out of a guy like you.
But a guy like you, you don't want to see it.
Don't want to see you enjoying a sunset.
Joe, I don't read.
I don't fucking read it.
I don't know what it is.
I am too in here to understand me.
This is interesting, dog.
I have a very weird thing.
I have an alley of my personality that works that I somehow turned into a
living.
Yeah.
But the rest of it looks like Fred Sanford's yard.
Old radiators and bed frames and shit.
It's a fucking mess.
It's interesting.
He did it.
Yeah.
You won't catch me doing that.
No?
No marathon running?
No.
Did you ever run at all?
No, I was not.
I used to ride a bike.
I did that for a while.
I got so into it.
I remember one time I actually was drinking in the afternoon and I still had to
go on a bike ride.
I got on a bike shit face.
It was sweating.
This is the 80s, too.
No helmet.
No nothing.
And just fucking rode like 12 miles.
And I never had heard the expression.
I never felt hitting a wall.
Like whatever the electrolytes were.
There was just nothing left.
And I was like six miles.
This east coast.
There's all kinds of hills and shit from my house.
And I was like, I don't think I don't.
What am I going to do?
And there was no cell phones.
Like, what am I going to do?
So I just kept riding and then it was like this five minute, like, I'm going to
die.
I'm not going to get through this.
And then I just got to the other side where I think my body was just like, all
right, there
must be something like death must be chasing us.
So we need to go into something else here.
And I pushed through into that.
That's what they say happens when you do those ultra marathons.
Those people, they get to a point where they think there's no way they can keep
going.
They're doing 100 miles and they're 38 miles in and they're ready to quit.
But they just managed to just...