Name: Bill Burr Shutting Down a Heckler in the Most Genius Way Possible
Uploaded: 2023-08-05T15:54:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Shutting Down a Heckler in the Most Genius Way Possible' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Shutting Down a Heckler in the Most Genius Way Possible' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-05. Transcript available.

All I want to get is a 22. That's it. 22 caliber, protect the house. No big
deal.
That's it. Really, sir? I love that. Ah, come on. You think I wasn't setting
them up?
How many times did I say 22 caliber? I said it the first time I heard the
groans. You just keep, you just, you know, you just keep sending that fishing
line out there. And there's always one guy who takes the fucking day before.
The fucking day when I'm doing it, the fucking day when I'm doing it, the 22
caliber, the fucking pussy, you little queer guy, you got a holster between
your buttocks with that gun, is that what you did?
Sir, let's just say, for the hell of it, I had a loaded 22 in my hand and I
started shooting at you. What would you do?
Other than run screaming out of the building, stinking babies in front of you
like Mark Sheen in the Dead Suck, right?
You're going to sit there. It's just a 22. Relax. Hey, unload it. It's a 22. Bounce
right off me. It's a fucking gun.
All right? It's not the biggest gun, but that's all you fucking need. You're in
a house.
You know, you're in a fucking tie-rise with your glass balcony. That's all you
fucking need.
Get the fuck out of here. That's all you need. It's a great fucking gun.
Perfect. Perfect. Fucking gun.
All these morons telling you to get these giant guns in your fucking house.
They're idiots. They're fucking morons.
Who are like me, overheard some shit.
All right? Get a shotgun.
The second you go, that's it, the guy just goes, oh, fuck, dad.
How many times have you heard that one?
Yeah. Nobody thinks about what they're doing.
You know what I love about a 22? You can shoot it without earplugs.
Your ears ring, but you can still hear shit.
All those other guns, you're fucked. You're fucked.
The second you pull the trigger, you can't hear shit.
I know that for a fact.
One time I was landscaping this guy's house, right?
And at the end of it, he comes out.
He goes, you know, I got this five-shot .38. I never shot it.
You guys want to go down the street?
There's a burned-out car down there.
He's been there for like four months.
Nobody seems to give a shit because it's the 80s.
You want to go out there.
We take a couple shots at it.
We're like, yeah, absolutely.
Let's leave all the landscaping equipment out, too,
so the kids can play with it.
I'm going to go down and take a shot at this thing.
.38 caliber.
So I never shot a gun in my life.
I fucking put it up.
I'm aiming at this car.
I pull the trigger.
I saw the muzzle flash.
I never heard the gun.
Pulled the trigger and a muzzle flash.
And immediately all I heard was just .
Pulled the trigger four more times.
Four more flashes.
It never got louder.
It never got quieter.
It was just in my head.
.
That's the fucking gun you're going to have in your house late at night.
Because that's when the psychos coming.
They don't come at 6.30 when you're sitting there digging into a cube state.
Hey, I'm out of my mind.
I'm coming back in 20 minutes.
So stretch out your hammies because I'm going to get crazy.
Right?
That's not how it goes down.
They're waiting until you're vulnerable.
Middle of the night.
You're fucking sleeping.
Right?
Let's just say, okay, for argument's sake,
you've got that loaded .38 right there on the nightstand.
Ready to go.
Not gun here.
Bullets over there.
Fucking, no.
Right there.
Ready to go.
It's like 3.30 in the morning.
And you're just, you're out.
You're just.
Meanwhile, some psychos coming into your living room when you're right.
And again, I see my most part of the source.
It's a fucking sick one.
It just gives a listen.
It's all the way down the hall.
We just hear you.
It's just a 10 minute.
It's just lying down one night under the sheet.
I don't want to talk.
I think it's not coming from you. You are out.
All of a sudden that little gang on the floor is just like...
What's up? What's up? What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? What's
up? What's up? What are you waiting for? What's up? What's up? What's up?
Come on, man, quit fucking running. All of a sudden that dude, boom, kicks open.
You see this dude, you grab the gun, pull the trigger, muzzle flash, ooh, and
you fucking miss. You're blinded by the flash, you're pulling the trigger, ooh,
there's strong white psychos coming around the bed.
He jumps in, just takes your fucking head off, because you couldn't hear him,
and you couldn't see him, because you got your big ass, who's the big, he's my
dick, that's how big my fucking gun is, right?
You had that .22, even if you missed, you could hear his fucking psycho feet
going around your bed, you could clip him, and he'd leave.
He'd fucking leave, because it's .22, you're not going to kill him. .22 doesn't
have enough stalking power, that's what I heard, you know?
Basically, as far as I can tell, in order to kill somebody with a .22, you've
got to have it up against their head, and be throwing a jab as you pull the
trigger.
All right? That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, it's basically, it's like a roided-up
BB gun, you know?
I actually think you could defend your house with a BB gun, you could do it.
I don't give a fuck who the toughest person is in this building, if I started
shooting at you with a BB gun, at the very least, you have to go back outside
and regroup.
You've got to get a plan!
It's not worth it!
So...
Anyways...