Name: Bill Burr RIPS into Joel Osteen
Uploaded: 2023-11-24T16:00:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr RIPS into Joel Osteen' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr RIPS into Joel Osteen' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-24. Transcript available.

the song leader got up and led i shall not be moved the pastor was so
frustrated he resigned
told the congregation jesus brought me here i'm here to fix your life what is
it about i want to
you know i'm going to get out of this whole fucking comedy business and i'm
just going to
fucking you know i i got to get into the joel olstein world i am so fucking envious
of that
guy that guy is a fucking genius he sells out a basketball arena every single
sunday once a week
he does an arena gig everybody's talking about kevin hart's doing a football
sit this fucking guy
sells out an arena every single sunday that's a tough day to sell an arena okay
people are hung
over from friday and saturday he sells out where the houston rockets used to
play he bought that
day put down some electric blue carpet and everybody comes to him he sells out
a basketball arena every
single week the same fucking arena he doesn't have to go on the road you know
he's not going to george
w bush airport george herbert walker fucking whatever international airport
right next to
halliburton that now is called larry's fucking widgets whatever the fuck they
call it down there
right this motherfucker just sits there and he lets the crowd come to him
you know he's got his own private branson missouri
his own las vegas they come from miles around
and their shiny pickup trucks their girlfriends named darla right
all fucking made up
just an ozone layer of perfume just walk it into that fucking place and he goes
up there right
his fucking eyes closed you know and just tells these people what they want to
hear that's the business
i want to get in he doesn't have to pay to rent the fucking thing out and it's
also a religion so he
probably doesn't pay any taxes he's got his own tv show so you know he has
groupies i mean this guy
i mean write down the checklist everybody's talking about ford versus ferrari
and what how ford came up
with this this amazing sports car that beat ferrari what about joel olstein
versus every
fucking entertainer in this country you know and you know you got your vegas
acts that are there
doing a residency but they don't own the casino joel olstein went out and he
bought his own flamingo
and he headlines it 52 sundays a year he's got his own tv show he's got his own
radio show
he's like that guy there ryan seacrest
except i don't think ryan seacrest could sell out the staples center every
single weekend
52 sundays in a row doing his version of fucking rocking new year's eve in the
top 40.
there's only one guy in this country that can do it that's joel olstein and i
think it's high time
when forbes talks about the highest grossing entertainers out there that they
stick this guy at
the top of the fucking list i don't even think elvis could fucking play houston
52 sundays in a row
at his height treat me like a fool i don't think oh you never know those same
people would come down
there they go see him on a saturday and then all those women's would go down on
sunday to joel
olstein's to confess their sins anyway i don't know so i'm anybody knows the
rundown arena is the
is the fucking the silver dome in michigan still available
get together with all things comedy we'll buy that
and i'll just move to pontiac michigan right i'll get an old pontiac and i'll
fucking drive it in every goddamn week and i will do my shit and dick jokes
wearing a suit
with a red tie my eyes closed and i'll just tell you what you want to fucking
hear huh let me just
practice i gotta practice my new act i mean look at you you're listening to
this podcast i mean right
there you know you're alive you know you're special you know that jesus cares
about you
if he didn't care about you why would he give you ears to listen to what i'm
saying to you right
now and i'm just a vessel of his words and it's just coming from up high and it's
just passing
through me and it's going right into you it's like a virus except it doesn't
kill you
it makes you live forever praise jesus everybody put their hands together
put your hands together everybody close your eyes so because for some reason if
your eyes are
closed you can't really see the that's coming at you i wonder if he did he
start like small
like how do you become is there like a preacher open mic where they're just
like all right this
next preacher coming to the stage he's a really funny guy he's been talking
about jesus up and
down the east coast and it called just please welcome joey olestein then he
comes up there
yeah it's joey joey olestein but that's okay because jesus forgives jesus doesn't
care if you
call them jesus heist he would just he'd look the other way and turn the cheek
boo you suck i heard
this before that's okay i'm praying for you why don't you open your eyes you
fucking asshole
okay that guy out there had must have too much of the devil in him must have
had a couple of
devil dogs when he came in because there's the devil's in that satanic dessert
anybody all right
that's enough for joe keep it going for joey olstein right he bombs for a while
then eventually he just fucking he starts getting into a groove right i'll
never forget the first time
i was on stage and i got somebody to say praise jesus without asking the crowd
to say praise jesus and
i was like praise jesus that guy just said praise jesus because i was praising
jesus and it was it was
in that moment i knew that i was on my way that i could talk about this guy who
may or may not have
existed who may or may not be hawat and i could make some money first thing i
did was i bought an old
cracker barrel that went out of business and well you know i started filling
that thing up i want to know
the story how did he get to a fucking arena and the man simply does not have to
leave his ranch every
week you know everybody everybody goes to mecca i figured why wouldn't they
come to joey joey
olenstein talking about jesus curajest inside an old arena
you know it'd be great what if i fucking if reunion arena where the dallas mavericks
still
used to play right what if that place still existed what if they didn't implode
that and i bought that
okay and i went against the grain he's down in houston and he's praising jesus
i would go there and
i would praise i would go to dallas and i would praise satan you know but i
would steal his delivery
right because i'm evil i just like satan wants you to do anything that you want
to do you want to grab a
pussy you know it's good enough for the president it's good enough for you that's
right build the wall
that's right build the wall around anybody who doesn't look like us praise
praise satan right
and i would just do that then i'd make my money and then i could get on tv
shows and jane paulie would
be interviewed don't but don't you feel the social responsibility for what is
it you're putting out
there uh no no i don't if you look at all all the commercials on tv they're
telling you they're telling
you to get that flat screen they're telling you get that hot tub they're
telling you to go out
there and get that wakeboard they're telling you to go out there and just have
fun fun fun
till the daddy takes the t-bird away now that was the beach boys they're one of
the most
wholesome acts in in all of pop music praise