Name: Bill Burr "My Plane was ON FIRE!" (w/ Nia)
Uploaded: 2023-12-25T16:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr "My Plane was ON FIRE!" (w/ Nia)' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr "My Plane was ON FIRE!" (w/ Nia)' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-25. Transcript available.

you know i feel i feel like hey there's the lovely nia hello what do you know
um so i'm going to tell him the story here do you want to jump on
uh i'm i'm going to tell him the story of that flight oh yeah that i had you
want me to i'll
hit pause here if you want to grab a mic you don't have to pause keep doing
your thing okay well do
people really want to listen to you unwrapping that all right i'll tell you
story so anyways
so nia was supposed to come out and see me right and then for whatever reason
you weren't able to
make it out right right for whatever reason whatever reason yeah whatever
reason the doctor
said you're not allowed to fly in your current condition that's right yes so i'm
like all right
i guess i'm out there by myself and uh so i was gonna i was gonna hang out with
her on saturday
you know go around doing all the dumb you know barbecue yeah we're gonna get
barbecue and then
we're gonna go to that restaurant that every person goes to that was in that
show nashville that you
loved all right the bluebird cafe we're gonna do all of that and then at night
i was
either gonna go to the penguins uh predators game or i was gonna go to the vanderbilt
football game
um but you weren't allowed to go so uh i said it i'll come back saturday or as
they say in boston
say right that's right so i had a hang on let me turn your mic on here you good
yeah okay yeah so like how i'm
able just to put the thing together like i know how to do it now yes you do so
anyways let me tell
you so leaving nashville so i go all right you know she can't fly out so i'm
gonna i'll fly back
saturday and i'll hang out with her right so uh i go over to the airport i get
there nice and early
i drop off the car the rental car i'm all zippity doodah because i'm nice and
early and i get all
the way to the gate long ass walk and i realized that i didn't you know i didn't
give the car keys
to the people there at budget i'm like ah so i'd walk all the way back i wasn't
on the other side
of security i just walked all the way back and then i came as i'm like thinking
in my head see this is
why i leave plenty of time i'm not losing my temper everything's fine this is
the new bill right i'm not
gonna be a new bill i'm not gonna be i'm trying to find the humor in things
okay all right like i had
my checks for my gigs this week i go down to the bank tonight because i don't
want to deal with the
clusterfuck of the bank during the day with a bunch of people who don't
understand how to handle their
money their money is fucked up and you're standing behind them in line and it
takes for fucking ever
and they're always yelling through the bulletproof glass at the other person as
if that person went
out and bought too much shiny with their money basically speaking all right i'm
not talking about
that wells fargo crap with those cunts what they did and then they paid off
those 5 000 people like
all right get the out of here here's a little confidentiality agreement you
guys all collectively
yet individually came up with this scam it wasn't me um anyways plowing ahead
so i went down i go down
the bank and and it takes you know i had like three checks it takes two out of
three and it won't take
the last one and i started to lose it i distinctly remember uh slapping the atm
machine and hearing
my wedding band ring when i did it and i was just like i i went up to eight
eight for me 12 for any
other normal person but it was an eight for me and i was like bill just relax
it's all fine and i thought
about my flight and what the happened and i was just like this is really pales
in comparison so
here's what happened my flight so i get on this flight right sitting up there
first
fucking clash right first clash but i have the stressful first class seat it's
the front row
so you got the bulkhead in front of you which means there's i always just have
a backpack i always
shove it underneath the seat so i get on the plane relaxed i don't have to
worry about overhead spaces
somebody shoves 15 coats up there in a child's seat you know but uh i had the
stress because you know i
didn't have the fucking thing in front of me so there was once i got past that
stress i sat down
it's all fucking good and we're flying back and all i'm thinking is ah fuck man
i'm getting back
it's fucking football sunday tomorrow i'm gonna watch the uh the fucking uh the
formula one race
you know i'm gonna watch the patriots game i'm gonna maybe watch a little
buffalo miami you know
i got the whole fucking i got my whole thing laid out right maybe catch a late
college game
shit up by the time i land it's only gonna be like eight o'clock at night so we
go up in the air
we're about 45 minutes into the flight and i start smelling what smells like
burnt popcorn
that's the smell first and then it gets a little more intense and i'm kind of
looking at the
stewardesses you know i'm in the first row going did one of them burn a meal
like i'm smelling a
burning smell and it's starting to with my eyes a little bit and i'm not seeing
any panic on their faces so i go
it must be food because i know i only have a few hours flying with my license
but i know
you know smoke in the plane it's not it's not a good thing right now so
everything's going about
normally and then all of a sudden i feel it's descending you know when i feel
like the the
the wings are doing blah blah doing that and i'm like oh wow we must be hitting
some rough air
because then the smoke wasn't as bad and i was thinking like we must be hitting
it wasn't like
visible smoke you could smell it i could kind of feel it in my eyes a little
bit um how old did i
just sound i could smell it i felt it in my eyes it was very uncomfortable um
so the wings are like
doing that and i'm thinking like oh he probably got it you know a report that
there was some rough air up
then he's going to go underneath it and then we'll go back up again and then
like all of a sudden my
glass with the water started sliding forward like all of a sudden i was kind of
realizing that my chair
was kind of we were at like a like not a 45 degree angle but we were at a
significant we were
fucking descending rapidly and all of a sudden the stewardess just came up she
goes uh can i take
your glasses we're landing and then i was just like oh something's on fire and
the the pilot didn't
give any like announcement like no because we were like at 30 something
thousand feet and the second you
smell smoke it's like i don't know i i i guarantee you there were lights
lighting up on his little
dashboard there and it wasn't saying check the tire pressure i don't know what
warning lights they had
probably didn't want to make he didn't want everyone to panic so he's just like
you know what let me
just land this thing no i think he smelled smoke like there's something on fire
and i'm 30 000 feet
and i have to get this thing on the ground immediately and i don't mean but
that's why he didn't say
anything because wouldn't they normally tell you like we're gonna like descend
really quickly
because of this that yeah i i had nothing to do with scaring us and he didn't
have time
okay so he just fucking goes down and i'm just like oh here we go right so the
late late the
stewardess you know i didn't know we were landing because they everybody had
the shades pulled down
and i wasn't until my glass fucking slid forward i was like this guy's like
this guy's really
he's really dropping down here like what's going on but so when she came over
and she said hey uh
we're landing now right we're literally 50 minutes in the flight nashville to
la right
the woman next to me goes like oh my god we're here already
and i was like i laughed and i was like no no no i go we're landing she goes
where and i said well
i looked at my watch ago i don't know she lifted up the shade i saw a river i
go maybe that's the
mississippi i'm gonna say st louis turned out it was little rock arkansas and
uh she goes what why are
we landing and i was like well probably had to do with that did you smell that
burning smell she's
like yeah i go probably has to do with that and uh so she's looking around i go
yeah but he really has
he had total control of the airplane but my thing that i was worried with about
is you know i don't
know about the mechanics on planes and but like if there was some sort of
something whatever it burned
through some wire some hydraulic thing and all of a sudden you can't control it
and next thing you
know we're upside down like in that denzel movie you know yeah yeah when you
lose the rear stabilizer
the dumbest shit ever that he's able to flip it back over and land you know um
hollywood movie yeah
he wants it's up like you're fucked nobody can land that not even sully right
so we start
fucking coming in and we're in little rock i don't know it's little rocket all
i see is this
fucking river and you know those things you can only see out the side and i'm
just thinking get it on
the ground get it on the ground just get it on the fucking ground and uh all i'm
seeing is this
fucking all right so anyway so i'm almost dying in a plane crash you know so
the thing comes down
all crap and all all i see is the uh the river and that's what i started
thinking of like it's
this motherfucker puts this thing in the water all right all i'm thinking is is
stay conscious you have
to fucking stay conscious and uh that fucking door is right around the corner
provided you know he
doesn't smash the whole thing up and you can't open the door and then i got to
fight my way through
all these other fuckers and i'm gonna drown um but then i see the runway he
lands the thing and then
just like please reverse engines reverse engines oh since kicked in then once
we stopped i was like
okay all right fine i live right so we go over we taxi over there's a fire
engine one of those there's
only one because it's little rock arkansas right it's a little fucking fire
engine comes over
we go to d-plane like d-plane um there was smoke bubble bell the captain came
on and he finally says
he said i had my hands full up here me uh sorry didn't make an announcement
meaning like it was a
serious fucking thing yeah um so i as we go to get off there's two guys in the
giant fucking asbestos
suits they look ridiculous they look like they they were beekeepers so they
didn't look like
firefighters and we go to get off and um as we get off you know the ticket
agent person okay they're
gonna check to see if the plane is still fine and blah blah blah and all i'm
thinking in my head is
like dude the fucking thing was on fire something was on fire there's no
fucking way we're getting
back on that there's people walking in with the beekeeper super suits it's over
right so we sit there
for about a half an hour and uh they finally come on they say okay here's the
deal we need to get a
new plane um the plane that we're going to get is two hours away but the crew
is an hour away from
getting to the plane so it's going to be about a three hour delay and you know
people will kind of
cool but there's those you know the 15 percent like giving them yeah okay
giving them
shit it's like dude the fucking thing i don't know what was on fire what was smoldering
but it was
smoldering at 30 something thousand feet and the fucking pilot just got us on
the ground and we like
a stud and we didn't die and now you're fucking bitching yeah go up to the bar
and shut the
up right so there's one guy there with his purple shirt he's breaking his neck
shaking his head like
and you know the deal you know you know the deal if they say it's going to
happen in three hours that
means about it's going to be about 12 right so we go into the bar and i watch auburn
kicking the shit out of the razorbacks then i watched the cubs get into the
world series
and they just keep going like well it's not now it's looking like 9 30 and then
they do that it's
like 10 10. we're thinking 10 46 and people just even more freaking out then
they change the gate
and everybody just is gradually more and more like freaking out and then they're
vacuuming up the
airport it was the hillary and bill clinton airport the bill and hillary clinton
airport which was you
know it would basic seats you know the clintons they stole so much money there's
only so much left for the
airport right so long story short we landed about four o'clock this or five o'clock
or something like
that the plane we didn't get on the plane to get out of there until like uh
like a little bit after
one a.m and this is the thing like the lady the person goes okay so the plane's
here and then
everybody's just like so it's going to take us to l.a now and the person the
guy just goes like oh no
the plane's gonna take you back to dallas and everyone's like no no it was like
dallas we came
from nashville listen what kind of way is it to run an airline they're like
screaming at this guy
and uh and i was i sat the whole time i just sat there laughing my ass off
going like who gives a
as long as we we're not dead right like i just couldn't like i mean it was
scary right so
they end up flying us into dallas and uh we land we're like this is the plane
we're taking to la
right they're like absolutely we land in that in dallas and they go okay we're
gonna need everybody
to get off the plane everybody says oh james guys you gotta fucking kick me
there's one guy here this
guy they can't possibly think we're ever gonna fly this airline again right i'm
like i'm absolutely
gonna fly it again the one of the guys who works for them just flew a plane
that was somehow on fire
from 30 000 feet down to the ground it's a great airline it's a great airline
so we get off the
plane and i slept on the floor waiting for the get back on we ended up getting
back on and uh
we ended up landing at like i think like 10 in the morning i actually figured
it out it took 16 hours for
me to get back from nashville and from here to uh sydney australia is 14 hours
so i literally could have
flown to sydney got a connecting flight got my ass down to melbourne but you
know what nia i didn't
fucking i didn't burn up in a plane that's all i just kept thinking you the
fact that you didn't flip
out is still like kind of amazing to me but the thing is with you is that when
big things like this
happen you are so calm like you are just very like relaxed and you have like a
lot of perspective
about it and you're like well but this and this and this so this and this and
this but like you know
god forbid there's a new operating system on your phone it's like you have the
meltdown
of like you know i would put everybody crash everybody who flipped out about
all of that airplane
shit i would have put all of them to shame over you know a new operating system
on your phone i can
i can lose it i can sit for 16 hours in an airport i had a great time i went in
i sat down
i watched the cubs like i'm sitting there going like the cubs literally have
not been to a world
series they haven't even been there as bad as cleveland is they haven't even
gotten to the world series in in 71 years that's that's almost impossible
if it wasn't for them it is impossible because i don't think anybody else has
ever done
like just not been there i would have been crying out of frustration i would
have been so
tired and hungry and frustrated and like
all the things the plane was on fire no i get it or whatever it was smoldering
something was burning
and everyone was sitting there going who had one of those galaxy seven phones
in there there
right exactly yeah that they checked that's what i was thinking because there
was that thing with
value jet was something caught on fire underneath there and it burned through
what that was what if whatever controllers they had and that thing crashed into
a swamp
and some of the bodies got eaten by alligators oh jesus did you say that
give a fuck that i'm sleeping on the floor did you say like at the airport
somebody asked about that
phone like they were asking people if anyone had that phone oh when we got when
we got back on the
plane the second time yeah they said um if anybody has a galaxy seven phone can
you notify the stewardess
yeah um which is hilarious to me like okay it's what happened on a plane you
know that guy's phone
started smoking in his pocket he went to turn it off he put it in his pocket
and then or something
like that it started smoking yeah but that's not going to take down a plane if
it's in your bag
and it starts smoking and then ignites with the shirt or some like that and you
have a really i
guess a bad canvas suitcase why it could not have happened and it eats its way
out then i think
you're in trouble but what's what's he going to do just stare at his pocket as
it slowly catches on
fire going oh my god i think that's oh my god what do i do pockets on fire we're
all gonna die yeah
i think that's exactly what happened dude there was a guy that literally tried
to light his shoes on
fire and everybody just beat the out of him like that's what what happened to
this guy
and he was trying to take the plane down yeah those phones are like they always
exaggerate
they always exaggerate like like you went through if there's anything smoking
on a plane
on a pressurized enclosed you know thing in v not vehicle but you know what i'm
saying vessel
you gotta get everybody out of there better safe than sorry i know but it's
like okay so your phone
starts catching on fire it starts i mean how long are you gonna take it out
like oh my god what the
and then take your little complimentary glass of water and dump it on it and it's
over you know what
i don't know what he did after that i i'm sure he took it out and was like oh i
know exactly what
he did he grabbed somebody else's phone and took a selfie and said hashtag my
life
and then he got a deal he got some sort of internet deal and now he makes 400
grand he's
the fuck my life guy

Bill Burr "My Plane was ON FIRE!" (w/ Nia)

you know i feel i feel like hey there's the lovely nia hello what do you know
um so i'm going to tell him the story here do you want to jump on
uh i'm i'm going to tell him the story of that flight oh yeah that i had you
want me to i'll
hit pause here if you want to grab a mic you don't have to pause keep doing
your thing okay well do
people really want to listen to you unwrapping that all right i'll tell you
story so anyways
so nia was supposed to come out and see me right and then for whatever reason
you weren't able to
make it out right right for whatever reason whatever reason yeah whatever
reason the doctor
said you're not allowed to fly in your current condition that's right yes so i'm
like all right
i guess i'm out there by myself and uh so i was gonna i was gonna hang out with
her on saturday
you know go around doing all the dumb you know barbecue yeah we're gonna get
barbecue and then
we're gonna go to that restaurant that every person goes to that was in that
show nashville that you
loved all right the bluebird cafe we're gonna do all of that and then at night
i was
either gonna go to the penguins uh predators game or i was gonna go to the vanderbilt
football game
um but you weren't allowed to go so uh i said it i'll come back saturday or as
they say in boston
say right that's right so i had a hang on let me turn your mic on here you good
yeah okay yeah so like how i'm
able just to put the thing together like i know how to do it now yes you do so
anyways let me tell
you so leaving nashville so i go all right you know she can't fly out so i'm
gonna i'll fly back
saturday and i'll hang out with her right so uh i go over to the airport i get
there nice and early
i drop off the car the rental car i'm all zippity doodah because i'm nice and
early and i get all
the way to the gate long ass walk and i realized that i didn't you know i didn't
give the car keys
to the people there at budget i'm like ah so i'd walk all the way back i wasn't
on the other side
of security i just walked all the way back and then i came as i'm like thinking
in my head see this is
why i leave plenty of time i'm not losing my temper everything's fine this is
the new bill right i'm not
gonna be a new bill i'm not gonna be i'm trying to find the humor in things
okay all right like i had
my checks for my gigs this week i go down to the bank tonight because i don't
want to deal with the
clusterfuck of the bank during the day with a bunch of people who don't
understand how to handle their
money their money is fucked up and you're standing behind them in line and it
takes for fucking ever
and they're always yelling through the bulletproof glass at the other person as
if that person went
out and bought too much shiny with their money basically speaking all right i'm
not talking about
that wells fargo crap with those cunts what they did and then they paid off
those 5 000 people like
all right get the out of here here's a little confidentiality agreement you
guys all collectively
yet individually came up with this scam it wasn't me um anyways plowing ahead
so i went down i go down
the bank and and it takes you know i had like three checks it takes two out of
three and it won't take
the last one and i started to lose it i distinctly remember uh slapping the atm
machine and hearing
my wedding band ring when i did it and i was just like i i went up to eight
eight for me 12 for any
other normal person but it was an eight for me and i was like bill just relax
it's all fine and i thought
about my flight and what the happened and i was just like this is really pales
in comparison so
here's what happened my flight so i get on this flight right sitting up there
first
fucking clash right first clash but i have the stressful first class seat it's
the front row
so you got the bulkhead in front of you which means there's i always just have
a backpack i always
shove it underneath the seat so i get on the plane relaxed i don't have to
worry about overhead spaces
somebody shoves 15 coats up there in a child's seat you know but uh i had the
stress because you know i
didn't have the fucking thing in front of me so there was once i got past that
stress i sat down
it's all fucking good and we're flying back and all i'm thinking is ah fuck man
i'm getting back
it's fucking football sunday tomorrow i'm gonna watch the uh the fucking uh the
formula one race
you know i'm gonna watch the patriots game i'm gonna maybe watch a little
buffalo miami you know
i got the whole fucking i got my whole thing laid out right maybe catch a late
college game
shit up by the time i land it's only gonna be like eight o'clock at night so we
go up in the air
we're about 45 minutes into the flight and i start smelling what smells like
burnt popcorn
that's the smell first and then it gets a little more intense and i'm kind of
looking at the
stewardesses you know i'm in the first row going did one of them burn a meal
like i'm smelling a
burning smell and it's starting to with my eyes a little bit and i'm not seeing
any panic on their faces so i go
it must be food because i know i only have a few hours flying with my license
but i know
you know smoke in the plane it's not it's not a good thing right now so
everything's going about
normally and then all of a sudden i feel it's descending you know when i feel
like the the
the wings are doing blah blah doing that and i'm like oh wow we must be hitting
some rough air
because then the smoke wasn't as bad and i was thinking like we must be hitting
it wasn't like
visible smoke you could smell it i could kind of feel it in my eyes a little
bit um how old did i
just sound i could smell it i felt it in my eyes it was very uncomfortable um
so the wings are like
doing that and i'm thinking like oh he probably got it you know a report that
there was some rough air up
then he's going to go underneath it and then we'll go back up again and then
like all of a sudden my
glass with the water started sliding forward like all of a sudden i was kind of
realizing that my chair
was kind of we were at like a like not a 45 degree angle but we were at a
significant we were
fucking descending rapidly and all of a sudden the stewardess just came up she
goes uh can i take
your glasses we're landing and then i was just like oh something's on fire and
the the pilot didn't
give any like announcement like no because we were like at 30 something
thousand feet and the second you
smell smoke it's like i don't know i i i guarantee you there were lights
lighting up on his little
dashboard there and it wasn't saying check the tire pressure i don't know what
warning lights they had
probably didn't want to make he didn't want everyone to panic so he's just like
you know what let me
just land this thing no i think he smelled smoke like there's something on fire
and i'm 30 000 feet
and i have to get this thing on the ground immediately and i don't mean but
that's why he didn't say
anything because wouldn't they normally tell you like we're gonna like descend
really quickly
because of this that yeah i i had nothing to do with scaring us and he didn't
have time
okay so he just fucking goes down and i'm just like oh here we go right so the
late late the
stewardess you know i didn't know we were landing because they everybody had
the shades pulled down
and i wasn't until my glass fucking slid forward i was like this guy's like
this guy's really
he's really dropping down here like what's going on but so when she came over
and she said hey uh
we're landing now right we're literally 50 minutes in the flight nashville to
la right
the woman next to me goes like oh my god we're here already
and i was like i laughed and i was like no no no i go we're landing she goes
where and i said well
i looked at my watch ago i don't know she lifted up the shade i saw a river i
go maybe that's the
mississippi i'm gonna say st louis turned out it was little rock arkansas and
uh she goes what why are
we landing and i was like well probably had to do with that did you smell that
burning smell she's
like yeah i go probably has to do with that and uh so she's looking around i go
yeah but he really has
he had total control of the airplane but my thing that i was worried with about
is you know i don't
know about the mechanics on planes and but like if there was some sort of
something whatever it burned
through some wire some hydraulic thing and all of a sudden you can't control it
and next thing you
know we're upside down like in that denzel movie you know yeah yeah when you
lose the rear stabilizer
the dumbest shit ever that he's able to flip it back over and land you know um
hollywood movie yeah
he wants it's up like you're fucked nobody can land that not even sully right
so we start
fucking coming in and we're in little rock i don't know it's little rocket all
i see is this
fucking river and you know those things you can only see out the side and i'm
just thinking get it on
the ground get it on the ground just get it on the fucking ground and uh all i'm
seeing is this
fucking all right so anyway so i'm almost dying in a plane crash you know so
the thing comes down
all crap and all all i see is the uh the river and that's what i started
thinking of like it's
this motherfucker puts this thing in the water all right all i'm thinking is is
stay conscious you have
to fucking stay conscious and uh that fucking door is right around the corner
provided you know he
doesn't smash the whole thing up and you can't open the door and then i got to
fight my way through
all these other fuckers and i'm gonna drown um but then i see the runway he
lands the thing and then
just like please reverse engines reverse engines oh since kicked in then once
we stopped i was like
okay all right fine i live right so we go over we taxi over there's a fire
engine one of those there's
only one because it's little rock arkansas right it's a little fucking fire
engine comes over
we go to d-plane like d-plane um there was smoke bubble bell the captain came
on and he finally says
he said i had my hands full up here me uh sorry didn't make an announcement
meaning like it was a
serious fucking thing yeah um so i as we go to get off there's two guys in the
giant fucking asbestos
suits they look ridiculous they look like they they were beekeepers so they
didn't look like
firefighters and we go to get off and um as we get off you know the ticket
agent person okay they're
gonna check to see if the plane is still fine and blah blah blah and all i'm
thinking in my head is
like dude the fucking thing was on fire something was on fire there's no
fucking way we're getting
back on that there's people walking in with the beekeeper super suits it's over
right so we sit there
for about a half an hour and uh they finally come on they say okay here's the
deal we need to get a
new plane um the plane that we're going to get is two hours away but the crew
is an hour away from
getting to the plane so it's going to be about a three hour delay and you know
people will kind of
cool but there's those you know the 15 percent like giving them yeah okay
giving them
shit it's like dude the fucking thing i don't know what was on fire what was smoldering
but it was
smoldering at 30 something thousand feet and the fucking pilot just got us on
the ground and we like
a stud and we didn't die and now you're fucking bitching yeah go up to the bar
and shut the
up right so there's one guy there with his purple shirt he's breaking his neck
shaking his head like
and you know the deal you know you know the deal if they say it's going to
happen in three hours that
means about it's going to be about 12 right so we go into the bar and i watch auburn
kicking the shit out of the razorbacks then i watched the cubs get into the
world series
and they just keep going like well it's not now it's looking like 9 30 and then
they do that it's
like 10 10. we're thinking 10 46 and people just even more freaking out then
they change the gate
and everybody just