Name: Bill Burr Meets Craig Ferguson for The First Time (FULL PODCAST)
Uploaded: 2023-12-27T16:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Meets Craig Ferguson for The First Time (FULL PODCAST)' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Meets Craig Ferguson for The First Time (FULL PODCAST)' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-27. Transcript available.

Bill Burr Meets Craig Ferguson for The First Time (FULL PODCAST)

Well, actually, if I wasn't in this business, what I would start selling is I
would sell
houses to divorced men, and this is what they would be.
It'd be a one- or two-car garage, depending on how you did in the divorce, and
then up
top would just be this sick-ass place, perfect for flat-screen TV to the couch,
and then
behind that is your bed, and then there's a little bar area.
It was a big enough, like a mini loft above it, because every guy before they
got married,
that's what they had.
Right.
You had that apartment.
Yeah, I did, actually.
I remember my apartment.
Yeah, your Xbox.
Yep.
You had your bottles of booze, and you were fine.
Well, the thing about the bottles of booze, to be fair, in my-
Oh, you're an alcoholic, right?
Right, so I can either have booze-
You can't handle it.
No, I can't.
They pulled you out of the game.
Well, here's the thing.
I'm still playing.
I can either have booze or an apartment.
I can't have booze.
Oh, okay.
I can either have-
Whatever you're into, your vitamin waters.
Yeah, coconut water, vitamins, vegetables.
Sure.
I am a big believer on having your own little house next to the big one that
she gets.
It's good.
I like this.
I wasn't going to do that daily show again.
I felt like I'd cover that ground.
And she doesn't have keys to it.
Yes, that's it.
Yes, she does.
I know she does.
Yes, she does.
And no matter what, no matter what, no matter how big that house is on the hill,
no matter
how many pairs of shoes, how much fun she's having, at some point she has to
come down
and stick her fucking head in here.
I don't know why.
I didn't know you knew her.
I don't know why.
You could be, honey, this thing is 90,000 square feet.
I have 1,500.
This is a studio, and they would have to come down to see what it is.
Yeah, what's going on.
It's what makes them great mothers.
Yeah.
It's what makes them so, like, drives you nuts.
What's going on?
I just thought, come down and say hi.
What are you doing down here?
What's going on here?
So, like, what?
You're just going to have your vitamin waters and your coconuts?
Yeah, I'm just sitting here.
I'm just having a good time.
What's wrong?
I'm not doing anything.
There's no girls here.
What's going on?
You don't want me to come down?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just watching some sports.
I don't even watch sports, but I'm just watching sports.
Hey, I like sports.
Well, come on in.
It's over.
And it's over.
Then she's there.
Yeah.
And then she's going to start leaving shit behind.
Yeah.
Like she did before you did.
Right before, when you had your apartment.
That's it.
How long have you been married?
Three and a half years.
I've been with my wife for a long time.
Yeah, you guys have been together a long time, though, right?
Yeah.
Did it change?
We were the number two couple in L.A. for the longest time.
Really?
According to Sirius, yeah.
Now, you're just saying that.
No, no, no.
That's true.
You can't prove that.
So, did it change your relationship, though, when you got married?
Did it make it?
Because you...
I quietly freaked out.
Did you really?
Because the finality of it, even if you have a prenup, even if you have any of
that BS,
they trample that in court.
Sure.
They don't care.
You got a dick.
Sit down.
Shut up.
This is how it's going.
That's how it works, right?
So, there was that moment, but then what I had to do was I had to mentally go
back to
that guy that was in the 1,500-square-foot apartment that was fine and was
happy, and I started
looking around.
I used to do a bit about this, how I just mentally let go of everything in my
house.
I really started looking at it.
I started in the kitchen.
I was going through the drawers.
I was just muttering to myself.
So, you did like an emotional prenup for yourself?
Yeah, I just was like, wait, you want all these whisks?
I don't give a shit about this.
I'll stir my eggs up with a fork.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't know that I owned any kind of kitchen implement other than a can opener
until I
was married.
I didn't have machines to mix food into paste with other bits of food.
I wasn't that guy.
That's why I only had roommates for a short period of time.
That whole thing of guys living like animals.
No, no, I didn't live like an animal.
Oh, yeah, you did.
Why are you doing this to me, Bill?
Why?
No, I just, I was just like, it got to the point of like, you know, obviously
when I first
moved out, you know, I did the whole thing.
It's a chair.
Now it's a table.
You know, everything was like interchangeable.
And, you know, being afraid to order food and take a cab was a big, big luxury
and all
that type of stuff.
And then as I started to get a little, you know, money in the business, I made
sure
that, you know, even if I had, you know, I was living in New York, so it's only
going
to be so comfortable.
I just made sure that like the kitchen was a big thing for me where I was just
like, I
want to be able to, if I want to make a nice meal, I would like to every once
in a while
be able to do that.
Do you do that still?
Yeah.
Well, you, you, you actually cook.
Yeah.
That's great.
Yeah.
I got a good butcher.
You got a nice bit of meat there.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
I'm a big, uh, um, pussy meat and potatoes.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
No, no, no, pussy.
All right.
That might be the funniest thing that's going to be said on this.
So you might want to wrap that up.
That's fucking hilarious.
All right.
I'm a big, and I paused perfectly.
Lobbed it over.
Pussy.
All right.
We got to take a break.
We were right back.
That's going to be the favorite part of this podcast for my wife to listen to.
Welcome back to the show.
I'm just at the times at the moment.
It is two minutes past four in Los Angeles, two minutes past six in Chicago.
It is two minutes past seven in New York City, and it is two minutes past
midnight in the
beautiful town of, Bill?
Glasgow.
Glasgow, Scotland.
You ever played there?
Sure.
Have you really?
Yeah.
I've been there a number of times.
Where did you play in Glasgow?
Uh, the King's Theater.
Yeah.
I've done that theater.
That's all right.
I've been there like twice, and then one time I went to Edinburgh for the
festival.
But I was only there for two, three days.
Two, three days.
I didn't have to do the marathon, walk in the street with the sandwich board,
the slave labor.
Yeah.
Well, that's a...
I don't know what goes on over there.
That's for the kids.
The kids do that.
Oh, the kids do.
Yeah.
That's what you're starting at.
I didn't see a lot of happy faces.
Everybody didn't have their red noses on.
That's a different thing.
You're making people walk in the streets like that.
Well, people do walk in the streets.
They're comedians.
They're supposed to have the day off.
You know, that's why comedians become comedians.
When they're out there leafleting, catfishing.
What are they supposed to do?
They've got to be a comedian and the promoter?
Yeah.
What kind of operation are we running over there, huh?
I blame you.
I think you set up the whole festival.
Why are you starting us again, Bill?
See, you Hollywood elite.
You know what it is?
You became the number two radio station, radio program on Sirius, and it went
to your fucking
head.
It did.
That's what happened.
It did.
And you know what?
That's just...
I've become one of those guys.
I don't do my own leafleting.
In fact, I don't even leaflet anymore.
I never met you before, and I don't even know who you are anymore.
So what's your...
There's no reason to reach.
If you don't have any more questions for me...
No, no, I do have one.
I do have one.
So, uh, you ever rake some leaves in the fall?
Did you ever rake leaves?
I did.
I had a business.
Well, you're from New England?
That's probably a big thing for you guys.
Of course we did.
Of course we did.
You raped them onto a tap.
Rake leaving.
Yeah.
Rake leaving time.
Then you threw it over your neighbor's yard that you didn't like.
Do you ever play the Comedy Works in Denver?
Of course.
That, to me, is the best club in America.
You know the one that I love the best?
What?
That recently closed was the Punchline in Atlanta.
It's now reopened, but they lost the least to their first place.
I don't know that one.
I never played that one.
It's because you're an elitist.
Oh, fuck you.
Come on.
I mean, the Comedy Works is beautiful.
Yeah.
All the green room, you know?
Yeah.
You got the place where you can soak your feet.
You weren't going to the Punchline in Atlanta.
Wait, wait, wait, the soak your feet bar?
I don't remember.
No, they don't like you do that.
You're still an immigrant.
We don't like you.
No, the Punchline, it was just one of those places that I just, I went on stage
and it
just, I don't know, it just felt right.
Like, I love this.
I love the vibe of that.
So I haven't been to the new one, but I love the owners.
So I'm going to try to get back to there at some point.
But I was definitely really sad when that thing closed down.
I mean, I was one of the ones that went all the way back to like, even Eddie
Murphy, I
guess he was already shooting movies at that time, early in his career, came in
and did
a spot there.
They had a picture of him on stage.
And then they had all of these headshots from back in the day.
I love all that stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The chicken fingers coming out towards the end of your, or the bill comes out
at the end
of your set.
Chicken fingers at the beginning of your set.
That smell of fried food and hatred in the air.
Plus, the best thing ever is my favorite comedy clubs are the ones, like the
Comedy Works,
where you can get to the green room and they give you the option of whether you
want
to deal with the crowd or not.
That's the greatest thing ever, to be able to walk off.
You're right in the green room.
You know, if no one wants to kill you, you can go out there and say hello to
them.
Yeah, that's right.
If you feel like you might get your teeth smashed in, you can hide in the green
room.
You can hide in the green room.
Yeah, I love that.
In Comedy Works, everybody that goes to that club knows exactly where the green
room is.
They're walking out by it as they go out.
So get people back in there going, what's the matter?
Not coming out?
Oh, that's right.
You think you're better than this?
That's the Hollywood.
We know you're in there, Hollywood.
Fuck you!
Yeah, that's right.
I forgot.
Yeah, Hollywood elitist.
Like, wait, if I'm a Hollywood elitist, what am I doing?
Playing, you know, in the works in Denver.
It's the best one.
Yeah.
There was a short-lived comedy club in New York City called Comics that was
like that.
I don't know if you ever did that one.
I think I might have.
Yeah, it was down near the Meatpacking District.
It's since changed.
But I think comedians had an, I don't know, somebody, but it was perfect.
It was perfect.
You got off stage.
If you went right, you talked to the crowd.
If you went left, you went down this hallway.
And, like, there was no way, I guess people could run through the curtain and
there's never
any security.
But they didn't know to do that.
They didn't know where they were going.
What about Cobbs in San Francisco?
You like that one?
I quite love that.
Yes, because you go out the center, like, the doors at the back of the stage
and you
just walk right out the center of it and you're right there.
It's like, the way I imagine.
I like the punchline a little better than that one.
Okay.
Because that was just one of the ones that I, that was like a legend.
I never really heard of Cobbs, so that was one of the ones I, I want to say I
saw it
on TV when I used to see all those great San Francisco comics like Dana Carvey
and Dana Gould
and all of those, all those Danas that came out of there.
Mostly Danas out there.
Mostly Danas.
All geniuses, all named Dana.
And, you know, that was a big competition.
That was a big thing for me when I was coming up the San Francisco comedy
competition.
Like, you know, if you see like the winners and the runners up, I'm sure that
information
is somewhere on the internet.
It's 