Name: Bill Burr & Jon Lovitz Ruthlessly Roast Each Other for 15 Minutes Straight
Uploaded: 2024-02-13T18:49:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jon Lovitz Ruthlessly Roast Each Other for 15 Minutes Straight' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jon Lovitz Ruthlessly Roast Each Other for 15 Minutes Straight' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-13. Transcript available.

No, I don't think people know that we, you know, we're, we're, you know, we met
through,
um, uh, Dating app.
Randy Walton.
Shh.
To tell me that you're singing your jokes at a, at a Panera Bread place or
something?
April 18th, I'll be at Vibrato.
Oh, Vibrato.
On a jazz club.
Can you, can you sing us a joke or something that you're doing?
Maybe.
Yeah, sure.
Tyler likes it in the butt, gently, when you squeeze his left nut.
Oh, the blood flows out of his butt wherever he goes.
Now you're going to open with that?
No.
That feels like a middle of the set.
You're the one, you're the one who's opening.
Oh!
My biggest fear was not learning how to fly it.
It was ground school and the test and, cause you know, I did not do well in
school.
So I didn't think, uh, but I also, you know, John, whenever you lash out at me
like that,
it's, I just know it's all self-loathing.
Okay.
And you can come in here with your Tony Curtis haircut and act like you're, you're
just the
bee's knees and I just don't buy it.
Tony Curtis.
There's another guy.
Is that what this is about?
There's another guy that went to Nordstrom's.
That I have hair and you don't?
Hmm?
Like it's my fault.
No, there's just something about the way it's-
I didn't give you my genes.
I have nothing to do with it.
Your camera is adding like a hundred.
No.
Off camera, this is, doesn't even exist.
You know, there's a lot of women that are into that.
It's a fetish.
They call them, uh, pelicinos.
You know, like furries.
They're ending people with, uh-
Son of a bitch bastard.
No, your face has-
No, I just gotta stay forward.
Your face has its own neck pillow.
It must be nice when you get on a plane.
Well, my grandmother had this.
Your neck fat just kind of catches you.
You know, it's true and it's sad.
I don't know where this came from.
I really don't.
I'm thinking maybe it's because I eat too much,
but I highly doubt it.
It's just, I just think I breathed in really hard once
and too much air and it went,
and then it just stuck.
Dizzy Gillespie had a neck like that,
but it was because he played the trumpet
and changed music.
That was his cheeks.
You, on the other hand, have that because you eat cake at night.
No.
Pastries.
Salt peanuts.
Salt peanuts.
This is basically, you're one of my favorite people in this business because
this is all we do.
Is we just give each other shit.
And I have been having a field day with, you know, the guys.
You've never done it in person, though.
It's always on text.
The guys, I've been having a field day texting you annoying things about the
guys.
Well, let's just call this episode The Jew and the Nazi.
Let's just get down to it.
We do it in text.
We've never done it face to face.
I'm just presenting.
I told you I'm bringing my howitzer.
Oh, God.
Boom.
Go ahead.
No, I just mentioned.
Let the game begin.
We like to discuss world politics and ways to solve them.
More possible sources for the conflict.
You know, I have to be honest with you.
I never had a problem with Jews until I met you.
And then I was like, ah, now I get it.
What was Gavin McLeod like?
He was like you, bald.
I think you were confused because it was actually good.
And your thoughts of me is that I'm horrible.
And I know you joke around about it a lot.
But I know that that's coming from someplace.
Well, deep down.
Deep down.
You are horrible.
This is your whole act.
Albert Einstein's a genius.
What do you think, Bill?
I don't know.
Is he?
Is he?
Really?
Really?
Oh, you wake up in the morning and you brush your teeth.
Bill Burr takes it up the butt.
You wake up in the morning and you brush your hair.
Bill Burr takes it up the butt.
It's as easy as one, two, three.
Simple as ABC.
You wake up in the morning and you take a breath of air.
Bill Burr takes it up the butt.
Bill, your act is so funny.
I forgot to laugh.
You know, I don't know who forgot to put the ice packs under your fucking eyes
today.
But like, I'm really getting tired of looking at that puss.
What do you think about that?
Well.
You know what you look like?
You know what?
Speaking of puss.
How is yours coming along?
Because I understand you recently transitioned.
And I think it's great.
You know.
What'd they do?
Chop your dick off and punch a hole?
And you go, I'm good to go?
And then you go home to your wife.
She's like, well, she goes, Bill, I don't know what to say, but you chopped
your dick off,
but it looks bigger than ever.
Bill Burr has a penis.
And now it's an innie.
This is just your dysfunctional way of saying that you like me.
Yeah, it is.
You know, I could go directly to the issues with your father, the dentist, but
I think that's
below the belt.
Go ahead.
Yeah, then I'll talk about your dad who built a hospital and then had you.
Yeah.
Didn't do much of anything.
All right.
Go ahead.
Your dad's a dentist.
Did he forget to teach you how to floss?
Jesus Christ, your breath is so bad, my dog's throwing up and he's sitting down
there on
the floor.
And your turn.
I love the end, your turn.
And scene.
I heard your dad didn't die of natural causes.
I heard he saw your act and went home and killed himself.
So he wouldn't have to see the second show.
And back to you.
BB.
By the way, your first name is Wilbur.
No, it's William, you fucking...
No, it isn't.
It's Wilbur.
You were Wilburbur.
Wilburbur.
What's your first name?
Jacob?
John...
Jonathan.
You changed your first name so you could work in show business.
You didn't change Lovitz.
Let me just...
I'm saying you're dumb.
That...
Why don't you change your name to John O. Lovitz?
Maybe...
That David O. Sellsman.
They used to do that, you know.
Maybe you can sell some tickets in the red states.
I was going to give you a compliment.
Oh, you don't know how to do that.
No, you were...
I saw you on Joe Rogan and you were talking about the coronavirus.
The coronavirus?
You were sitting there with your, you know, trying to be all, you know, hip but
not really,
but trying hard, but acting like you're not trying hard with your cigar.
And you go, you know, I'm not going to sit here with you.
And Joe, I love Joe and I think he's very...
I get you're going to trash me.
Just get on to it.
No, I'm not trashing Joe.
You just said, I'm not going to sit here with no medical...
We're not going to sit here with no medical degree and say what's the cause and
cure of COVID.
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
It's like, finally, he's admitting that he's an idiot.
Fucking living in the state at the time and it scared the shit out of me.
We actually fucking agree and you're still yelling at me.
Don't stare at me like I'm all of a...
You know what?
Why are you trying to make me cry?
Classic abuse.
You don't have that emotion.
You don't have access to that.
You know when you cry?
You know when you cry?
It's not my fault you went bald.
I had nothing to do with it.
Blame somebody else.
Listen, if you think your hair system is fooling anybody.
You've had that fucking receding hairline for 40 years and it hasn't moved.
You took the hair off your back and you stuck it on your head and now you're
sitting there
acting like you're better than me.
You're not.
You're not.
I am.
Hey, bald don't lie.
The bald don't lie.
Right.
You can say that to yourself all day long.
But the fact is, deep in your heart, we both know, I am better than you.
Can you please pop your collar when you do that?
What's it like having someone sit across from you and you go, my God, I've met
my match.
I rip people all the time on stage.
They laugh.
But this guy comes back like a fucking howitzer.
There's nothing I can say that he doesn't ever come back.
Boom, boom, boom.
You're like, oh my God, I thought it was just me.
Just me, just me.
Well, it ain't.
Are you fucking writing your own good review here?
I didn't, I mean, I knew we had a nice back and forth.
I didn't realize it was so one-sided.
What do you mean?
I'm saying you're hysterical.
But I'm saying, I'm coming, I'm coming back at you and you don't know what to
do.
So you go to the bottom, the pit, the depths, the nuts, the below, the belt.
What are you talking about?
You've been singing about me taking it in the ass like from the beginning.
You immediately went bodily fluid jokes.
I said what?
That you what?
Don't act like you're fucking, you have a higher brow fucking comedy than I do.
I said that, I would never say that.
Stop staring at me like you know how to fight.
Although.
You've had a couple of scraps in your life, haven't you?
Oh yeah.
You got your fist all balled up?
Huh?
You ready to go?
Good thing you pulled your hand away because I almost killed you.
I don't want to have that eczema or whatever that's on your fucking knuckles.
Is that from jerking off in Alaska?
No, you fuckwad.
It's psoriasis.
You have psoriasis?
I can't tell you much.
That just made me happy.
And you have alopecia.
So what's the difference?
Do you have to change your, like in an arena, like your timing as if you were
in a, say like
an improv club?
Is it, would you have to do anything different?
And if so, what?
No.
No.
Okay.
The sound systems are amazing now.
So you don't have to do that.
It's not like back in the day when they used to bounce off the back and then
come at you.
You don't.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I don't know why you need this information.
You're never going to play an arena.
No shit.
That's why I want it open for you so I could.
You know, I'd seen bands, but I'd never been on the stage.
It was, you know, Madison Square Garden is like 19,000 people.
And I think when you did it, it was like 18,000.
This is 19,000.
And it was like amazing.
That is so fucking petty.
It was so, it was so.
Where's the warmth?
Where's the guy?
When I watched your VHS tape that your agent sent me.
Did you forget the name?
That your agent sent me.
That your agent sent me.
And I popped that into one of the last VCRs in Los Angeles.
And I watched your set at that Elks Club.
I saw a young man with one chin that was warm and respectful to his audience.
And then you come in.
This fucking abomination.
Yeah, let me just say something to you.
Right behind you is a sign.
It says all things comedy.
What are you doing?
Can you start being funny?
I think if people are going to listen to this, they're going to go, Bill one,
Bill one.
No, they're not.
They're going to be.
This is like when my wife comes on.
She trashes me.
They love it.
And I'm enjoying it.
I'm actually enjoying your pathetic attempts to try and hurt me.
We're watching all things comedy.
This show is not funny.
Drops.
Say the word N-O.
No.
Say the word no.
Make it funny.
Go.
Tick tock.
Time's up.
Now I'll go.
No.
And I'm laughing.
John, I don't understand you.
Nobody does.
I like you.
I don't understand me either.
Well, I'm at the Laugh Factory in Vegas.
And that's at the Tropicana Hotel.
But they're tearing down that hotel.
That hotel lasted 70 years until they booked you.
And now they're tearing it down.
And then they stick.
Oh, he used to open for me.
And a lot of people did.
And then they moved on.
No.
And then I said he got some.
Your turn.
You talk about trying to look you in the eye.
All I see is the tip of your nose.
It's like a fucking oil tanker's coming into port.
Oh, your family doesn't love you.
You know what?
Leonardo DiCaprio should be standing on the bridge of your fucking nose going
like that.
The only reason your family was supportive is because they were hoping once you
played arena acts that you'd give them a bunch of money.
Oh, you fucking bastard.
Now dry your tears and get the fuck out.
You know what?
I'm taking over.
Welcome to all things comedy.
I'm glad your blood sugar's through the roof.
Why don't you ask me another question?
You know what?
When are you going to lose your first toe from that disease?
When are you going to get wart medicine and just take this thing off right here?
Well, not I know.
In another year, you want to be able to see out of that eye the way that thing's
growing.
Do you wear a one-piece bathing suit because you're ashamed of your torso?
Yes.
Don't do that.
That's not fair.
Surprises.
You can't.
Come on.
You can't have feelings.
I go to the beach.
I go to the beach.
All right.
I'm shocked.
And you wear sleeves.
It's like you have leprosy.
And everyone makes fun.
I can't believe you went there.
Why?
Hey, do you have...
Why did you...
I'm not kidding now, Bill.
I mean, we joke, but that's too far.
Acting.
Thank you.
Do you have your...
Try again, Baldy.
No, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Yeah.
Well, what's Bill Burr doing now?
Well, put that thing on and try and slip it in.
He's crying.
Blood.
He says it hurts.
No, put it in his butt then.
Now what?
He's smiling.
Really?
What channel is it on?
I don't know.
It's...
Everything's on YouTube, though.
They've downloaded everything.
Yes.
Even when you had hair.
Young Bill Burr.
You look like Opie with the red hair and the freckles.
Did you want to ask me any questions?
Is this an interview?
Boring.
But go ahead.
It's just...
No, because that's true.
Do you give a fuck about anything but yourself?
No.
They should have an entire wing in the Museum of Tolerance just about you.
You inspired me to get into this business.
I was like, if this ugly puss can get on TV, anybody can.
John Lovitz, everybody.
John, I love you to death.
I love you too, Bill.
Yeah, dude.
I have an unbelievable respect for all of your work.
And I can't believe that I even know you.
And one of my favorite things in this fucking business is texting back and
forth with you.
You're a fucking gem.
Look at how your dog's wagging his tail.
It's so exciting this bullshit's over.
All right.
Have a great weekend, you guys.

Bill Burr & Jon Lovitz Ruthlessly Roast Each Other for 15 Minutes Straight

No, I don't think people know that we, you know, we're, we're, you know, we met
through,
um, uh, Dating app.
Randy Walton.
Shh.
To tell me that you're singing your jokes at a, at a Panera Bread place or
something?
April 18th, I'll be at Vibrato.
Oh, Vibrato.
On a jazz club.
Can you, can you sing us a joke or something that you're doing?
Maybe.
Yeah, sure.
Tyler likes it in the butt, gently, when you squeeze his left nut.
Oh, the blood flows out of his butt wherever he goes.
Now you're going to open with that?
No.
That feels like a middle of the set.
You're the one, you're the one who's opening.
Oh!
My biggest fear was not learning how to fly it.
It was ground school and the test and, cause you know, I did not do well in
school.
So I didn't think, uh, but I also, you know, John, whenever you lash out at me
like that,
it's, I just know it's all self-loathing.
Okay.
And you can come in here with your Tony Curtis haircut and act like you're, you're
just the
bee's knees and I just don't buy it.
Tony Curtis.
There's another guy.
Is that what this is about?
There's another guy that went to Nordstrom's.
That I have hair and you don't?
Hmm?
Like it's my fault.
No, there's just something about the way it's-
I didn't give you my genes.
I have nothing to do with it.
Your camera is adding like a hundred.
No.
Off camera, this is, doesn't even exist.
You know, there's a lot of women that are into that.
It's a fetish.
They call them, uh, pelicinos.
You know, like furries.
They're ending people with, uh-
Son of a bitch bastard.
No, your face has-
No, I just gotta stay forward.
Your face has its own neck pillow.
It must be nice when you get on a plane.
Well, my grandmother had this.
Your neck fat just kind of catches you.
You know, it's true and it's sad.
I don't know where this came from.
I really don't.
I'm thinking maybe it's because I eat too much,
but I highly doubt it.
It's just, I just think I breathed in really hard once
and too much air and it went,
and then it just stuck.
Dizzy Gillespie had a neck like that,
but it was because he played the trumpet
and changed music.
That was his cheeks.
You, on the other hand, have that because you eat cake at night.
No.
Pastries.
Salt peanuts.
Salt peanuts.
This is basically, you're one of my favorite people in this business because
this is all we do.
Is we just give each other shit.
And I have been having a field day with, you know, the guys.
You've never done it in person, though.
It's always on text.
The guys, I've been having a field day texting you annoying things about the
guys.
Well, let's just call this episode The Jew and the Nazi.
Let's just get down to it.
We do it in text.
We've never done it face to face.
I'm just presenting.
I told you I'm bringing my howitzer.
Oh, God.
Boom.
Go ahead.
No, I just mentioned.
Let the game begin.
We like to discuss world politics and ways to solve them.
More possible sources for the conflict.
You know, I have to be honest with you.
I never had a problem with Jews until I met you.
And then I was like, ah, now I get it.
What was Gavin McLeod like?
He was like you, bald.
I think you were confused because it was actually good.
And your thoughts of me is that I'm horrible.
And I know you joke around about it a lot.
But I know that that's coming from someplace.
Well, deep down.
Deep down.
You are horrible.
This is your whole act.
Albert Einstein's a genius.
What do you think, Bill?
I don't know.
Is he?
Is he?
Really?
Really?
Oh, you wake up in the morning and you brush your teeth.
Bill Burr takes it up the butt.
You wake up in the morning and you brush your hair.
Bill Burr takes it up the butt.
It's as easy as one, two, three.
Simple as ABC.
You wake up in the morning and you take a breath of air.
Bill Burr takes it up the butt.
Bill, your act is so funny.
I forgot to laugh.
You know, I don't know who forgot to put the ice packs under your fucking eyes
today.
But like, I'm really getting tired of looking at that puss.
What do you think about that?
Well.
You know what you look like?
You know what?
Speaking of puss.
How is yours coming along?
Because I understand you recently transitioned.
And I think it's great.
You know.
What'd they do?
Chop your dick off and punch a hole?
And you go, I'm good to go?
And then you go home to your wife.
She's like, well, she goes, Bill, I don't know what to say, but you chopped
your dick off,
but it looks bigger than ever.
Bill Burr has a penis.
And now it's an innie.
This is just your dysfunctional way of saying that you like me.
Yeah, it is.
You know, I could go directly to the issues with your father, the dentist, but
I think that's
below the belt.
Go ahead.
Yeah, then I'll talk about your dad who built a hospital and then had you.
Yeah.
Didn't do much of anything.
All right.
Go ahead.
Your dad's a dentist.
Did he forget to teach you how to floss?
Jesus Christ, your breath is so bad, my dog's throwing up and he's sitting down
there on
the floor.
And your turn.
I love the end, your turn.
And scene.
I heard your dad didn't die of natural causes.
I heard he saw your act and went home and killed himself.
So he wouldn't have to see the second show.
And back to you.
BB.
By the way, your first name is Wilbur.
No, it's William, you fucking...
No, it isn't.
It's Wilbur.
You were Wilburbur.
Wilburbur.
What's your first name?
Jacob?
John...
Jonathan.
You changed your first name so you could work in show business.
You didn't change Lovitz.
Let me just...
I'm saying you're dumb.
That...
Why don't you change your name to John O. Lovitz?
Maybe...
That David O. Sellsman.
They used to do that, you know.
Maybe you can sell some tickets in the red states.
I was going to give you a compliment.
Oh, you don't know how to do that.
No, you were...
I saw you on Joe Rogan and you were talking about the coronavirus.
The coronavirus?
You were sitting there with your, you know, trying to be all, you know, hip but
not really,
but trying hard, but acting like you're not trying hard with your cigar.
And you go, you know, I'm not going to sit here with you.
And Joe, I love Joe and I think he's very...
I get you're going to trash me.
Just get on to it.
No, I'm not trashing Joe.
You just said, I'm not going to sit here with no medical...
We're not going to sit here with no medical degree and say what's the cause and
cure of COVID.
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
It's like, finally, he's admitting that he's an idiot.
Fucking living in the state at the time and it scared the shit out of me.
We actually fucking agree and you're still yelling at me.
Don't stare at me like I'm all of a...
You know what?
Why are you trying to make me cry?
Classic abuse.
You don't have that emotion.
You don't have access to that.
You know when you cry?
You know when you cry?
It's not my fault you went bald.
I had nothing to do with it.
Blame somebody else.
Listen, if you think your hair system is fooling anybody.
You've had that fucking receding hairline for 40 years and it hasn't moved.
You took the hair off your back and you stuck it on your head and now you're
sitting there
acting like you're better than me.
You're not.
You're not.
I am.
Hey, bald don't lie.
The bald don't lie.
Right.
You can say that to yourself all day long.
But the fact is, deep in your heart, we both know, I am better than you.
Can you please pop your collar when you do that?
What's it like having someone sit across from you and you go, my God, I've met
my match.
I rip people all the time on stage.
They laugh.
But this guy comes back like a fucking howitzer.
There's nothing I can say that he doesn't ever come back.
Boom, boom, boom.
You're like, oh my God, I thought it was just me.
Just me, just me.
Well, it ain't.
Are you fucking writing your own good review here?
I didn't, I mean, I knew we had a nice back and forth.
I didn't realize it was so one-sided.
What do you mean?
I'm saying you're hysterical.
But I'm saying, I'm coming, I'm coming back at you and you don't know what to
do.
So you go to the bottom, the pit, the depths, the nuts, the below, the belt.
What are you talking about?
You've been singing about me taking it in the ass like from the beginning.
You immediately went bodily fluid jokes.
I said what?
That you what?
Don't act like you're fucking, you have a higher brow fucking comedy than I do.
I said that, I would never say that.
Stop staring at me like you know how to fight.
Although.
You've had a couple of scraps in your life, haven't you?
Oh yeah.
You got your fist all balled up?
Huh?
You ready to go?
Good thing you pulled your hand away because I almost killed you.
I don't want to have that eczema or whatever that's on your fucking knuckles.
Is that from jerking off in Alaska?
No, you fuckwad.
It's psoriasis.
You have psoriasis?
I can't tell you much.
That just made me happy.
And you have alopecia.
So what's the difference?
Do you have to change your, like in an arena, like your timing as if you were
in a, say like
an improv club?
Is it, would you have to do anything different?
And if so, what?
No.
No.
Okay.
The sound systems are amazing now.
So you don't have to do that.
It's not like back in the day when they used to bounce off the back and then
come at you.
You don't.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I don't know why you need this information.
You're never going to play an arena.
No shit.
That's why I want it open for you so I could.
You know, I'd seen bands, but I'd never been on the stage.
It was, you know, Madison Square Garden is like 19,000 people.
And I think when you did it, it was like 18,000.
This is 19,000.
And it was like amazing.
That is so fucking petty.
It was so, it was so.
Where's the warmth?
Where's the guy?
When I watched your VHS tape that your agent sent me.
Did you forget the name?
That your agent sent me.
That your agent sent me.
And I popped that into one of the last VCRs in Los Angeles.
And I watched your set at that Elks Club.
I saw a young man with one chin that was warm and respectful to his audience.
And then you come in.
This fucking abomination.
Yeah, let me just say something to you.
Right behind you is a sign.
It says all things comedy.
What are you doing?
Can you start being funny?
I think if people are going to listen to this, they're going to go, Bill one,
Bill one.
No, they're not.
They're going to be.
This is like when my wife comes on.
She trashes me.
They love it.
And I'm enjoying it.
I'm actually enjoying your pathetic attempts to try and hurt me.
We're watching all things comedy.
This show is not funny.
Drops.
Say the word N-O.
No.
Say the word no.
Make it funny.
Go.
Tick tock.
Time's up.
Now I'll go.
No.
And I'm laughing.
John, I don't understand you.
Nobody does.
I like you.
I don't understand me either.
Well, I'm at the Laugh Factory in Vegas.
And that's at the Tropicana Hotel.
But they're tearing down that hotel.
That hotel lasted 70 years until they booked you.
And now they're tearing it down.
And then they stick.
Oh, he used to open for me.
And a lot of people did.
And then they moved on.
No.
And then I said he got some.
Your turn.
You talk about trying to look you in the eye.
All I see is the tip of your nose.
It's like a fucking oil tanker's coming into port.
Oh, your family doesn't love you.
You know what?
Leonardo DiCaprio should be standing on the bridge of your fucking nose going
like that.
The only reason your family was supportive is because they were hoping once you
played arena acts that you'd give them a bunch of money.
Oh, you fucking bastard.
Now dry your tears and get the fuck out.
You know what?
I'm taking over.
Welcome to all things comedy.
I'm glad your blood sugar's through the roof.
Why don't you ask me another question?
You know what?
When are you going to lose your first toe from that disease?
When are you going to get wart medicine and just take this thing off right here?
Well, not I know.
In another year, you want to be able to see out of that eye the way that thing's
growing.
Do you wear a one-piece bathing suit because you're ashamed of your torso?
Yes.
Don't do that.
Tha