Name: Bill Burr EMBARRASSING Show Hosts for 13 Minutes Straight
Uploaded: 2024-02-25T20:29:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr EMBARRASSING Show Hosts for 13 Minutes Straight' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr EMBARRASSING Show Hosts for 13 Minutes Straight' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-25. Transcript available.

- I'm not related to my next guest,
but we fight like siblings.
Please welcome brilliant comedian who I love to pieces,
but who makes me fucking crazy, Bill Burr.
- Thanks.
I thought we got along great.
- No, we love each other.
But you have to, we always fight.
We fight often.
- No, 'cause I go on stage
and then you try to correct my jokes.
- I don't try to correct your jokes sometimes.
- But what if you said if the woman did this because of this?
- That was one time, but, and I admit I was being aggressive.
- Micro.
- It was a microaggression.
- Microaggressive, yeah.
- Sometimes I read interviews with you
and you talk about everything you hate
and if you added it all up, you would get me.
But somehow we love each other.
Am I correct in saying that?
I think that you love me.
'Cause every time we fight, as I'm driving home,
I get a text from you that says,
you know I love you, right?
And I go, "Yeah, I love you too."
- That isn't me.
I've never, I've never sent you no, I...
- Are you fucking serious?
- Well, my memory isn't good,
but I don't remember doing that.
- I'll show you.
- What, you save them?
- I can't believe you're, no.
Texts just exist.
Yeah, I press save on my text.
What kind of phone do you have?
- No, I like delete them after a while.
What are you saving it for?
- You delete texts?
- Yeah.
- I never do, because all our friends die,
and then it's all you have left.
- How many of you had?
- Die?
- I'm up, I counted.
- I have a huge list.
- I'm 30.
- 30.
- Yeah.
- Get something funny out of that.
- That's what you do, I'm not good at that.
I'm not good in the mom.
- All right, I do like you,
and I just, I always feel like you're frustrated with me.
- I fucking love you.
- Look at my posture right now.
I'm like, I'm as far over into this chair
as I could possibly be.
I just feel like--
- I'm not scared to hurt you, I love you.
- I kind of came here to hang out and have a good time,
and you're just like,
like that intro was just like, yeah.
- I thought you'd like that.
- I fucking hate this guy, he's a douchebag,
but he came down here.
I mean, that's how I heard it.
- I think that's how you hear a lot of things.
I do like you.
- Yeah, I mean, like, I like to,
I don't like being told what to do,
but I do like changing with the times or something.
I don't really resist that.
I feel like you resist that a little more,
but ultimately you do change with the times.
- Okay.
- You thought I was wrapping it up.
I fucking ripped another.
- No, I feel like with you,
there's this person you want me to be.
So you keep telling me that I'm this fucking guy that I'm not.
- Who's the guy you think I think you are?
- I, I don't know.
I don't know who sent you those texts.
- I'm gonna fucking post them.
No, I won't.
- Okay.
- I remember driving home and you being like,
"You know I love you."
And I was like, "I love you too."
Does not ring a bell at all.
- When the way you just did it, it did.
- This was one of my favorite interviews.
I had a great time.
- That can't be true.
- No, I liked how weird it got.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
- Well, all right.
How about this for weird?
Thank you, Bill Burr, for coming on.
- Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
- The great Bill Burr is here today.
- I don't know about great.
Give me somewhere to go.
- The greatest.
- Greatest.
- The greatest guy sitting across from you right now.
- What is this, you've probably heard this a lot,
that people say that dentists are like high rate of suicide.
- What is, is there something to that?
Have you heard that?
- Yeah, I think everybody heard that growing up,
but I never knew one that, never knew.
- Maybe it's not even true.
- I've never known one that killed himself.
- So, yeah.
Did you, well, it sounds like it was stressful,
but not suicidal.
- Yeah.
- Obviously.
- Yeah, he never killed himself.
If that's what you're asking.
- Nobody killed himself, yeah.
- Is this the Oprah part
where you're gonna try to get me to cry?
- Yeah, well, I got nothing to work with it.
- He thought about it one night.
- Yeah, yeah.
I just thought that was an interesting thing.
It seems like you're in love
with your daughter,
hearing you talk about her on the podcast.
- Jesus Christ.
Well, you're pretty perceptive.
You think you care about your own child.
- Listen, more than that, okay?
Because again, you're this character.
You gush, you gush over your daughter.
Not everyone gushes.
Did your dad gush over you?
- I mean, I was too little.
Yeah, no, my dad was,
my dad actually at work did.
At work, that's when I learned like,
"Oh my God, yeah, he really likes us."
And when he came home,
yeah, he was cracking the whip.
"Ah, is your bedmate?
You do your studies?
Well, why not?"
You know, it was that shit.
And he also had a zillion kids.
So, I mean, yeah.
- Really? How many siblings do you have?
- I don't know, dude.
The internet's too fucking weird
to give out all that information.
- Oh, you don't even want to say how many
because you're afraid that it will compromise your privacy.
- Yeah, by all means, keep talking about it.
Is there any way you can cut this out?
I'm honest, dude.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, there's fucking lunatics out there.
- Okay.
- Whoa.
- Off the air, off the air, I'll tell you.
- All right.
- Jeez.
I love how surprised he is.
- Well, you can mention the amount.
- There's absolutely crazy people up.
- I don't know why that got so flat on my part.
Tell me about all things comedy.
I don't know.
You say I'm nervous.
I'm sweating here.
- I'm just gonna let you sit.
- I know you are.
You don't have to save me.
- You gotta push through to the other side.
- No, I know, but you don't have to save me.
You're all sweaty.
You're touching.
Like, dude, if you were a leaver on the other team,
I'd have to come out and check you for Vaseline or something.
You've touched your hair on your grill a little too many times.
These doctor are in the ball.
All right, regroup.
Here we go.
- You get on stage, you talk about topics that are kind of taboo,
but you make them really, really funny.
- So your Christian background is part of the show.
- Yes, and I wanted to talk to you about Jesus after this.
- Well, the only reason why I bring it up is
some people thought maybe you went a little too far.
You know, as far as what?
- Well, they thought that maybe you were being disrespectful
to the Christian religion.
- Who did?
- I'm telling you, you need to Google.
- Oh, good Lord.
- So did you feel you were being disrespectful
or you were just having fun with some of the crucifixes
and stuff like that?
- I don't even know what you, I mean,
we did maybe two jokes about that.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Don't you think the Catholic Church went a little too far?
More so than my cartoon.
- All right, listen, a couple of jokes.
I know this is a morning show.
You can't bring up all those crimes.
- You know what?
Technically, they just sort of kept moving them around.
You know, like those killer whales at SeaWorld
after it kills a trainer,
they'll then move it up to Seattle.
They don't give them their background.
- All right, I'm not totally following it,
but I don't think I want to.
- You know what I'm talking about.
It's a morning show.
I understand.
- Yeah, it's time for me.
- Is this in Boston, where do you live now?
- I live in Los Angeles.
- Oh, that's where you're out now in Los Angeles?
- It's a frightening place to live.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Dollar crashing,
the city technically has no water supply, you know?
- That sounds like a lot of fun, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, the zombies are coming, so.
I've been thinking about getting a gun.
- Oh my God, ridiculous.
- I know people don't like it, but you gotta,
what am I supposed to make a, get a windmill, right?
You start growing zucchini?
- And then what, all I'm doing is just growing that
for the strongest guy in the block, you know?
- Oh, your zucchini.
- No, I'm serious.
I've been going to gun stores, and I have,
and these rednecks are all telling me the same thing,
'cause I didn't grow up with guns,
so they're just going, all right, you never had a gun,
you want to get yourself a shotgun.
It's got a great spread.
That's what they keep saying, it's got a great spread.
You don't even gotta aim.
You got a prong, you just sorta whip around.
- I'm sitting there, I'm like,
"Dude, I just want to shoot the guy.
I don't have to do, like, a bunch of drywall work,
and, like, reframe my diploma, so, I don't know."
- Are you with your girlfriend living in LA?
- Yes, I am.
I'm technically married,
but I'm married how, like, I want to be married.
- Yeah.
- Which is, I don't sign that behind the music contract,
where, you know, everything works out
until it doesn't work out.
- And that's what he had.
- Yeah.
No, you see, Sugar Shea Mosey,
one of the greatest boxes of all time,
he's losing his championship belt in a divorce.
- Oh, that's awesome.
- Losing, yeah, it's like you're trying to break a man.
Why does she want those?
Right?
- She's trying to break a man.
- They go with their shoes.
No, and I love how, when you get a divorce,
all of a sudden it costs, like, 50 grand a month
to give a kid Froot Loops, right?
- Besides, I'm telling you.
There is an epidemic of gold digging whores in this country.
And it is just not being addressed on any level.
- What are you talking about?
- What do you mean, what am I talking about?
Every guy out there is just getting, nobody's safe.
- Oh my God.
- Nobody's safe.
Football players, actors, politicians.
- You are crazy.
- You are crazy.
- Nobody's safe.
- And they never get called whores!
Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid is still called the maid.
In the story, she knew his wife on a first name basis,
hooked up with this dude in their bed,
and is still called the maid.
Why didn't she bang him?
- Why?
- Because of that 1987 flat top he's still rocking, right?
You don't think it's because of that kindergarten cop money
he's got laying around the home?
I'm not, and listen, I'm not condoning what the man did,
but you know, there just needs to be,
guys need to be educated.
There's nothing out there to help a guy handle
becoming rich and famous for that, that,
that platoon of whores that's gonna come over the hill.
Like, like Braveheart.
Faces hanging, skirt on, just running out there.
- Platoon of whores.
- Yes, there's nothing out there.
No, it's like guys never learn
how to keep themselves in check.
Society does it for you.
- Yeah.
- Just women aren't gonna bang you
'cause you drive the forklift at Home Depot, right?
Despite the fact that you wanna bang all of 'em,
they're not gonna do it.
So you didn't keep yourself in check,
the forklift job did, right?
Then all of a sudden you hit a lot in the lottery,
you know?
- Yeah.
- And then you can just give in to all of that.
Like, I don't, I'm so sick of all these trolls
coming on TV, judging these great men.
These great men, all these guys.
Anytime one of these guys gets caught for screwing around,
these guys come waddling out of their cubicles
with their jowls.
They're absolutely reprehensible behavior.
- Like, they have any idea what it's like
to be tempted at that level, you know?
- Yeah.
- As you walk over to your Ford Focus,
are you really beating these women off of you?
All those people who judge Tiger Woods?
How many people are here at golf?
When was the last time you walked off the 18th hole
and there was a busload of Scandinavian women
waiting to hump your brains out?
You were like, "Sorry, ladies."
You know?
And like I said...
- Thank you.
- You guys, Bill Burr is his name.
- Awesome.
- Enjoy him while you can get him.
- That's right.
- You know, I was reading a little bit about you
and it says that you have a tendency
to kind of go with your first thought.
- Yeah.
- Because reading makes you sleepy.
- That's right.
My first thought is this is the best week to be here,
the week before the Super Bowl.
- That is so true.
- Before all the whores fly in, you know?
- Yeah.
- I just want to get out.
- Wow.
- Before that, but it's true.
This is like the Oscars for prostitutes.
- Okay, all right.
- This entire week.
- Let's remember, we're G-rated here, folks.
All right, so we're going to go back to a safer subject
because as you know...
- Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
- As you know, this is National Blueberry Pancake Day,
right?
I'm sure you woke up and that was the first thing on your mind.
- Absolutely.
- So I want to give you a little quiz,
a little test, all right?
Because you can't look at my script,
but there are some very famous cereal box icons.
And I want you to be able to look at
some of these characters and see if you can determine
which cereal it's associated with.
If you get it right, you'll hear this.
If you get it wrong, you'll hear this.
- Oh, geez, okay.
- Okay, let's look at our first one.
You're going to see the monitor down here.
Let's look at our first one.
- Okay.
- Oh, it's behind us, sorry about that.
- Oh, it's behind us.
- Yes.
Who's that?
- That's my uncle.
- No, it's not.
Although you do resemble him.
- Who is that?
That is, for redheads, that is a racist symbol right there.
That's like the Quaker Mix guy.
- No, it's not the Quaker Mix guy.
- No, that's the Lucky Charms.
- Bam, look at that.
- Good for you.
Okay, next.
- I thought I didn't drink last night.
- Yeah, right, next, let's see what that, okay.
Who's that?
- That's the, that's the Trix bunny.
- Yes.
- Wired out of his mind.
- Yes, he is a little on the wired side.
- Yeah, back when they didn't care what kids ate.
Remember that?
- I think we have two more.
Let's see what's next.
All right, this guy.
Can you see him?
- Yeah, that's the, oh, that's one of the founding fathers.
Who said that all men are created equal,
as long as they're white, right?
Isn't that what it is?
One of those guys?
- No, it's not.
It's the Quaker Oats man, all right?
- I thought that was the Bicentennial Fruit Loops guy.
- No, it's not, but speaking of that,
let's see, do we have another one or is that it?
Oh, oh.
- Oh, that is Johnny Mathis.
It looks like the cover of that Christmas album he had.
No?
- Sorry.

Bill Burr EMBARRASSING Show Hosts for 13 Minutes Straight

- I'm not related to my next guest,
but we fight like siblings.
Please welcome brilliant comedian who I love to pieces,
but who makes me fucking crazy, Bill Burr.
- Thanks.
I thought we got along great.
- No, we love each other.
But you have to, we always fight.
We fight often.
- No, 'cause I go on stage
and then you try to correct my jokes.
- I don't try to correct your jokes sometimes.
- But what if you said if the woman did this because of this?
- That was one time, but, and I admit I was being aggressive.
- Micro.
- It was a microaggression.
- Microaggressive, yeah.
- Sometimes I read interviews with you
and you talk about everything you hate
and if you added it all up, you would get me.
But somehow we love each other.
Am I correct in saying that?
I think that you love me.
'Cause every time we fight, as I'm driving home,
I get a text from you that says,
you know I love you, right?
And I go, "Yeah, I love you too."
- That isn't me.
I've never, I've never sent you no, I...
- Are you fucking serious?
- Well, my memory isn't good,
but I don't remember doing that.
- I'll show you.
- What, you save them?
- I can't believe you're, no.
Texts just exist.
Yeah, I press save on my text.
What kind of phone do you have?
- No, I like delete them after a while.
What are you saving it for?
- You delete texts?
- Yeah.
- I never do, because all our friends die,
and then it's all you have left.
- How many of you had?
- Die?
- I'm up, I counted.
- I have a huge list.
- I'm 30.
- 30.
- Yeah.
- Get something funny out of that.
- That's what you do, I'm not good at that.
I'm not good in the mom.
- All right, I do like you,
and I just, I always feel like you're frustrated with me.
- I fucking love you.
- Look at my posture right now.
I'm like, I'm as far over into this chair
as I could possibly be.
I just feel like--
- I'm not scared to hurt you, I love you.
- I kind of came here to hang out and have a good time,
and you're just like,
like that intro was just like, yeah.
- I thought you'd like that.
- I fucking hate this guy, he's a douchebag,
but he came down here.
I mean, that's how I heard it.
- I think that's how you hear a lot of things.
I do like you.
- Yeah, I mean, like, I like to,
I don't like being told what to do,
but I do like changing with the times or something.
I don't really resist that.
I feel like you resist that a little more,
but ultimately you do change with the times.
- Okay.
- You thought I was wrapping it up.
I fucking ripped another.
- No, I feel like with you,
there's this person you want me to be.
So you keep telling me that I'm this fucking guy that I'm not.
- Who's the guy you think I think you are?
- I, I don't know.
I don't know who sent you those texts.
- I'm gonna fucking post them.
No, I won't.
- Okay.
- I remember driving home and you being like,
"You know I love you."
And I was like, "I love you too."
Does not ring a bell at all.
- When the way you just did it, it did.
- This was one of my favorite interviews.
I had a great time.
- That can't be true.
- No, I liked how weird it got.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
- Well, all right.
How about this for weird?
Thank you, Bill Burr, for coming on.
- Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
- The great Bill Burr is here today.
- I don't know about great.
Give me somewhere to go.
- The greatest.
- Greatest.
- The greatest guy sitting across from you right now.
- What is this, you've probably heard this a lot,
that people say that dentists are like high rate of suicide.
- What is, is there something to that?
Have you heard that?
- Yeah, I think everybody heard that growing up,
but I never knew one that, never knew.
- Maybe it's not even true.
- I've never known one that killed himself.
- So, yeah.
Did you, well, it sounds like it was stressful,
but not suicidal.
- Yeah.
- Obviously.
- Yeah, he never killed himself.
If that's what you're asking.
- Nobody killed himself, yeah.
- Is this the Oprah part
where you're gonna try to get me to cry?
- Yeah, well, I got nothing to work with it.
- He thought about it one night.
- Yeah, yeah.
I just thought that was an interesting thing.
It seems like you're in love
with your daughter,
hearing you talk about her on the podcast.
- Jesus Christ.
Well, you're pretty perceptive.
You think you care about your own child.
- Listen, more than that, okay?
Because again, you're this character.
You gush, you gush over your daughter.
Not everyone gushes.
Did your dad gush over you?
- I mean, I was too little.
Yeah, no, my dad was,
my dad actually at work did.
At work, that's when I learned like,
"Oh my God, yeah, he really likes us."
And when he came home,
yeah, he was cracking the whip.
"Ah, is your bedmate?
You do your studies?
Well, why not?"
You know, it was that shit.
And he also had a zillion kids.
So, I mean, yeah.
- Really? How many siblings do you have?
- I don't know, dude.
The internet's too fucking weird
to give out all that information.
- Oh, you don't even want to say how many
because you're afraid that it will compromise your privacy.
- Yeah, by all means, keep talking about it.
Is there any way you can cut this out?
I'm honest, dude.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, there's fucking lunatics out there.
- Okay.
- Whoa.
- Off the air, off the air, I'll tell you.
- All right.
- Jeez.
I love how surprised he is.
- Well, you can mention the amount.
- There's absolutely crazy people up.
- I don't know why that got so flat on my part.
Tell me about all things comedy.
I don't know.
You say I'm nervous.
I'm sweating here.
- I'm just gonna let you sit.
- I know you are.
You don't have to save me.
- You gotta push through to the other side.
- No, I know, but you don't have to save me.
You're all sweaty.
You're touching.
Like, dude, if you were a leaver on the other team,
I'd have to come out and check you for Vaseline or something.
You've touched your hair on your grill a little too many times.
These doctor are in the ball.
All right, regroup.
Here we go.
- You get on stage, you talk about topics that are kind of taboo,
but you make them really, really funny.
- So your Christian background is part of the show.
- Yes, and I wanted to talk to you about Jesus after this.
- Well, the only reason why I bring it up is
some people thought maybe you went a little too far.
You know, as far as what?
- Well, they thought that maybe you were being disrespectful
to the Christian religion.
- Who did?
- I'm telling you, you need to Google.
- Oh, good Lord.
- So did you feel you were being disrespectful
or you were just having fun with some of the crucifixes
and stuff like that?
- I don't even know what you, I mean,
we did maybe two jokes about that.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Don't you think the Catholic Church went a little too far?
More so than my cartoon.
- All right, listen, a couple of jokes.
I know this is a morning show.
You can't bring up all those crimes.
- You know what?
Technically, they just sort of kept moving them around.
You know, like those killer whales at SeaWorld
after it kills a trainer,
they'll then move it up to Seattle.
They don't give them their background.
- All right, I'm not totally following it,
but I don't think I want to.
- You know what I'm talking about.
It's a morning show.
I understand.
- Yeah, it's time for me.
- Is this in Boston, where do you live now?
- I live in Los Angeles.
- Oh, that's where you're out now in Los Angeles?
- It's a frightening place to live.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Dollar crashing,
the city technically has no water supply, you know?
- That sounds like a lot of fun, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, the zombies are coming, so.
I've been thinking about getting a gun.
- Oh my God, ridiculous.
- I know people don't like it, but you gotta,
what am I supposed to make a, get a windmill, right?
You start growing zucchini?
- And then what, all I'm doing is just growing that
for the strongest guy in the block, you know?
- Oh, your zucchini.
- No, I'm serious.
I've been going to gun stores, and I have,
and these rednecks are all telling me the same thing,
'cause I didn't grow up with guns,
so they're just going, all right, you never had a gun,
you want to get yourself a shotgun.
It's got a great spread.
That's what they keep saying, it's got a great spread.
You don't even gotta aim.
You got a prong, you just sorta whip around.
- I'm sitting there, I'm like,
"Dude, I just want to shoot the guy.
I don't have to do, like, a bunch of drywall work,
and, like, reframe my diploma, so, I don't know."
- Are you with your girlfriend living in LA?
- Yes, I am.
I'm technically married,
but I'm married how, like, I want to be married.
- Yeah.
- Which is, I don't sign that behind the music contract,
where, you know, everything works out
until it doesn't work out.
- And that's what he had.
- Yeah.
No, you see, Sugar Shea Mosey,
one of the greatest boxes of all time,
he's losing his championship belt in a divorce.
- Oh, that's awesome.
- Losing, yeah, it's like you're trying to break a man.
Why does she want those?
Right?
- She's trying to break a man.
- They go with their shoes.
No, and I love how, when you get a divorce,
all of a sudden it costs, like, 50 grand a month
to give a kid Froot Loops, right?
- Besides, I'm telling you.
There is an epidemic of gold digging whores in this country.
And it is just not being addressed on any level.
- What are you talking about?
- What do you mean, what am I talking about?
Every guy out there is just getting, nobody's safe.
- Oh my God.
- Nobody's safe.
Football players, actors, politicians.
- You are crazy.
- You are crazy.
- Nobody's safe.
- And they never get called whores!
Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid is still called the maid.
In the story, she knew his wife on a first name basis,
hooked up with this dude in their bed,
and is still called the maid.
Why didn't she bang him?
- Why?
- Because of that 1987 flat top he's still rocking, right?
You don't think it's because of that kindergarten cop money
he's got laying around the home?
I'm not, and listen, I'm not condoning what the man did,
but you know, there just needs to be,
guys need to be educated.
There's nothing out there to help a guy handle
becoming rich and famous for that, that,
that platoon of whores that's gonna come over the hill.
Like, like Braveheart.
Faces hanging, skirt on, just running out there.
- Platoon of whores.
- Yes, there's nothing out there.
No, it's like guys never learn
how to keep themselves in check.
Society does it for you.
- Yeah.
- Just women aren't gonna bang you
'cause you drive the forklift at Home Depot, right?
Despite the fact that you wanna bang all of 'em,
they're not gonna do it.
So you didn't keep yourself in check,
the forklift job did, right?
Then all of a sudden you hit a lot in the lottery,
you know?
- Yeah.
- And then you can just give in to all of that.
Like, I don't, I'm so sick of all these trolls
coming on TV, judging these great men.
These great men, all these guys.
Anytime one of these guys gets caught for screwing around,
these guys come waddling out of their cubicles
with their jowls.
They're absolutely reprehensible behavior.
- Like, they have any idea what it's like
to be tempted at that level, you know?
- Yeah.
- As you walk over to your Ford Focus,
are you really beating these women off of you?
All those people who judge Tiger Woods?
How many people are here at golf?
When was the last time you walked off the 18th hole
and there was a busload of Scandinavian women
waiting to hump your brains out?
You were like, "Sorry, ladies."
You know?
And like I said...
- Thank you.
- You guys, Bill Burr is his name.
- Awesome.
- Enjoy him while you can get him.
- That's right.
- You know, I was reading a little bit about you
and it says that you have a tendency
to kind of go with your first thought.
- Yeah.
- Because reading makes you sleepy.
- That's right.
My first thought is this is the best week to be here,
the week before the Super Bowl.
- That is so true.
- Before all the whores fly in, you know?
- Yeah.
- I just want to get out.
- Wow.
- Before that, but it's true.
This is lik