Name: Customer Appreciation Day (Ep 239)
Uploaded: 2023-02-17T07:13:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Customer Appreciation Day (Ep 239)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Customer Appreciation Day (Ep 239)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-17. Transcript available.

Customer Appreciation Day (Ep 239)

Music playing
Music playing
Music playing
Cha-cha
It's not pot, it's a clove cigarette
I like having fun
I like to laugh
I like to meet people
Who can make me laugh
I like having fun
Yes, I like to laugh
Epic
Good morning
Good morning, everybody
It is February 6th, 2023
Coming to you live from Glendale, California
Tim Heidecker here, Office Hours Live
Cold is a witch's little tit
Oh, and I never liked that phrase
I don't get it
It's the first thing that came to me
Colder than a moose's ass
Generally, in the winter
And I don't know what it is, folks
And I feel like people are gonna be saying to me
How dare you
You're living in Southern California
I'm up here in Muskogee
Saskatchewan
You are not the fire
And how could you dare complain about the weather
When it is minus 10 degrees
Or you're living in Brooklyn
You think you're so cool
You're going down there for your cafe latte
Your oat milk fucking bullshit
Blue bottle diarrhea
And it's 10 degrees
Catching that east river wind
Right, man?
Oh, it's worse
And you're shivering
That's why we left
It is, truthfully
Getting a cold spell
And the difference is
Now sit down
This fucking
Infrastructure here
Ain't built for it
I got no insulation
My windows are this thin
And then when you put the heat on
It blows hot air up your ass
She is a super duper duper
Okay
I went to dinner last night
And everybody's outside
Sitting at dinner
With a heat lamp over me
Burnt singeing my hair
Meanwhile, my fingertips
Are getting frostbit
Feet are cold
And I just want it to end
And now you're going to hear me
Complaining when it come
Come July
And it's hot as a shitbird
Hot as a little wet
Wet, wet, white
Bird shit
Is it still hot out there?
Out there?
That's the weather report
And I know the guys agree with me
Am I right?
Doug said it
I have them on record say
I think this is the coldest winter
We've ever had down here in California
Yeah, we didn't come here for this cold
Hell no
Is that sun hot or what?
I'll play guess who I had dinner with
Last night
Today
Throughout the show
You can call in with your guesses
Today's
It's an exciting one
I think you're going to be
Excited to hear who I dined with
Mano y mano
Excuse me
Bob Dylan
Mano y mano
Wonderful
Just a wonderful dinner together
Me and one man
Your dad was in town?
Throw me your best guesses
And I will answer when I feel like it
I should welcome Doug Lussenhop to the show
He's one of the guests we have
Good horning
One of the members of the Trinity
And Victor Berger the fourth
What's up everybody?
Hooster
Producer Matthew
Hello
Captain Carlin
Hello everyone
And everybody else
I'll take a guess
We haven't talked to
I'm going to bring
If we get Sam the intern on mic
We have a new intern
I don't think we've acknowledged her
Hello
Hello
Are you there?
Yeah
And on camera
Oh good
In the studio
In the control room
Yeah, we can hear you
Sam, where are you from?
I'm from Philly
Hell yeah
Sorry about them agles
Yeah, it's been rough
It was a tough
I'll give you my analysis
Sit down
There's been an attack
There's been an attack
That goddamn South Tower
Has been the hit fire
Fucking 747
Goddamn NAVAC
Flying another one
Into the Pentagon
He's got 69 eyes from Finland
In there
We've gathered to watch the Superbowl on Sunday
I was deep in recording sessions with a very good band
I said, you know what boys and girls
We're going to come over to my house
I'm going to have a Superbowl party
That's what we did
We said, we've done enough tracking for the day
We're going to head on over
Now we got Josh Adams in the band
Drum player
Drummer
Drumist
Great drummer
Maybe the greatest drummer I've ever worked with
Nice guy
Sweetheart
A true sweetheart
True sweetheart
You could not get any finer of a person
Boy, he's from Kansas City
All right
We've made a record in 72
3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 81, 83
Mr. Roboto
Okay
Babe
Lady, when you're with me, I'm smiling
And so I said, listen, Josh, here's the deal
Hey guys, Crypto Dad here again
Stop it
Jeez, we're just burning through everything
Well, I want to know who you ate dinner with
I know, we skipped around too much
Yeah, well, I'm telling you
You're going to have to throw in a guess
You already guessed, now you lost
I didn't even guess yet
It's not
Paul Rudd
No
Good guess
I would easily have dinner with him
He'd be honored
Have you ever had dinner with this person before?
Oh, horrific question
Thank you
Dinner
Horrific question
I've never had dinner one-on-one
I don't know if I've had dinner collectively
Potentially not
Okay
I think I definitely had breakfast with other people
Is this guy a professional race car driver?
No
All right, but back to the Eagles
Josh is from Kansas City
There are a couple other people that were rooting for Kansas City
I said, come on over
We're not going to judge
We're going to have fun
So it was a nice gathering
Boom
Listen
I thought the game was exciting as hell
Sure
I thought
The last two minutes were a very weird deflating
And Vic was there
He can attest to this
Oh, I loved it
Yeah, yeah
And he was supporting our eggles
Sure
As much as I could
Yeah
I think there were
You know
As we all know
There were a couple minutes towards the end there
Where it just felt like
It's too bad
This isn't the way the game should be played
You know
But
I don't know
What do you mean
They weren't playing it right?
Hitting it with a baseball bat or what?
There was a flag
That was a holding call
It was a legitimate call
But it really took the game into a place
Where it was just like
Well, it's basically over
Epic
And then you just
There's no
It's all anticlimactic
It's like two minutes of nothing
And
It was what it was
But everybody played well
Congrats
And I give everybody
And my buddy
My buddy Travis Kelsey
Of the Kansas City
If you haven't seen the show
Moonbase 8
He appears
Very funny thing
That clip
He spoke
It was a beautiful clip
I sent it to John and Fred
Yeah
He was on a podcast
And he spoke about
His podcast
Just for participating
What's that?
Yeah
It's his own podcast
With his brother
And he spoke highly
He was a guest star
On the first episode
Of Moonbase 8
One clarification
He was kind of
Self-depreciatingly
Talking about
What's the name of the podcast?
You don't know
Oh boy
Yeah
Doesn't matter
New Heights
New Heights
And he was saying
Oh man
I was a terrible actor
And I was
I couldn't believe
I was working with these guys
And they were so good
And they were improvising
And having so much fun
And I was like
Struggling to just do one line
He was laughing about it
But then he said
I kind of feel like
They wrote me out
In real time
Because in the episode
He dies at the end of the episode
Spoiler
And he was
I think he might have been joking
But he was saying
Well
They must have realized
How bad I was
And wrote me out
And I was like
No, no, no
That was all the plan
You know
The plan was
It's not like
We're making it up
On the spot
Travis
Come on, Travis
I am, man
Bring me in
Is that who you had
Breakfast with?
Breakfast?
Wait, is that who you had dinner with?
What do you say breakfast for?
I don't know
What are you doing breakfast
When I clearly said dinner?
I mix them up
Back to Sam
Our intern
Sam
Jeremy Renner
Our last intern
Whose name was Olivia
Did a wonderful job
Of providing us
With breaking news updates
I'm going to ask
The same of you today
I need you on the news desk
I got it
Up yours
Woke moralists
Up yours
So anything coming in?
Because, you know
We keep missing these
Breaking news updates
Sure
Not right now
But I'll be on the lookout
Thank you
Shout out to Temple
Temple University
Hooty who
Thank you
We've got you
As a guest
Let's bring in a guest
So no guests today
We've just got a nice
Casual hang
And
They're the guests
They're the guests
You gotta provide
Fun anecdotes
Chris
Chris will be our first guest today
What an absolute honor
Thank you so much
For letting me
Oh, sorry
Hey hon
What should we put on our walls?
What kind of art?
How about a painting of a stool?
Why?
I don't know
That's what the home goods had
Why do they always react
By moving?
We bring them up
And then they start moving
I know
I do that at all
My wife is working
So I got kicked out
Sorry
Sorry
Show me that
But quickly show me that stool painting
Okay
What are we saying with that?
Yeah, don't leave
Well, he went into the bunk bedroom
Shookley
Well, we
We don't have to be quiet
He's got headphones
You can't hear us
There's the stool
It almost looks like
It's a 3D
Is it an original?
Wait, it's
Oh, it's 3D
It's 3D?
Oh, the back is fake though
That's fucking 3D painting
I want you to get up on that stool
And sit up there
That looks like
That looks like a squatty potty
For an NBA player
There's a chicken too
Those are cool
Who makes those?
Some guy in Nicaragua, I believe
Okay
I forget the artist's name
The soundings
Where are you calling from?
The Netherlands
Of course
Wait, what?
Are you coming to my show
In Amsterdam?
Absolutely
Yeah, baby
Tickets on sale now
Amsterdam's getting pretty full
I think there's a few tickets left
But
UK is
There's still a few tickets left
Here and there
And Dublin
And Glasgow
We got timheidecker.com
Slash live
Seen
The two Tims
Very good band
And the no more bullshit experience
The show that took over America
Is now
Going across the pond
For your entertainment
And it'll cost you
I'm not doing these shows for free
Fuck you
Don't fall in a canal, Vic
Vic is not coming back from Europe
What?
Tim is coming across the pond, mates
I think you're
You're gonna get lost over there
Oh, I'm totally gonna
And then I'm gonna end up in a country
That doesn't speak English
Bad news
Wait, what about our caller here?
He's in a...
Bad news for Vic
Is we're ending the run in Amsterdam
So Vic will go wild in Amsterdam
Going to all those brothels
Oh, it's crazy
And getting weed
Uh-huh
I'm gonna try the weed
Getting different weeds
And then it's gonna be like
Ding, ding, Vic
Your car's here to take us to the airport
He's like
Throwing up
Yeah
I don't care
By that point
Do whatever you want
It's done, yeah
Get on the Eurorail
And head down to Italy
I might just never leave
I'm just gonna move in
Do you smoke cigars?
Amsterdam is great
Vic, we got a bunk bed
Oh, you got a bunk bed?
All right
Oh, my God
Look at that
How do you get up to that thing?
You have to step on the stool
Oh, there's a little
That ain't no bunk bed
That ain't no bunk bed
I like it
All right
Anything else?
Nice use of space
Would you recommend
Some fucking shit to do
In Amsterdam
That ain't just smoking weed?
If you haven't done
The touristic stuff
And Frank House's
Can't miss
Van Gogh Museum, obviously
Yeah, yeah
It's heavy
It's heavy
Rijks Museum is fantastic
You have a guess
On who I had dinner with
Last night
Matt Damon
That's correct
Vincent Van Gogh the fifth
No
All right
Anything else
You want to share with us?
Yeah, yeah
A couple questions
Actually
So
Has anyone
I have a whole list
So
Has anyone ever been
In a fist fight
Who won
And is violence
Ever the answer?
Good question
Very good question
Fist fight?
Never
In fifth grade
I had this kid
Who was kind of
My bully in a way
Or he would just
Pick on me
And get me in trouble
And stuff like that
He was like my rival
In a way
And some other kid
Bigger kid
Was picking on him
And I stood up
For him
You had to step in
I stepped in
Like hey
Come on man
Come on
I'm in fifth grade
Kid popped me in the face
The other guy
So he won?
He won
Well the other
Yeah
The guy won
I ran to the nurse
And cried
And missed like two blocks
Can I say one thing though?
I've never been in a fist fight
Because
I use my elbows
And my feet
And I take down my bow
I stop
I curb stop them
I do a roundhouse
And then I take them down
And I subdue the subject
When I played football
I used to get kicked out
All the time for fighting
I would just like
Really?
Yeah
Like I would hit
When you don't need
I don't know why
I would just get kicked off
Unnecessary roughness
Unnecessary
Yeah
I got kicked out
Like three games
For stuff like that
Sorry Gary
I just gotta announce something
