Name: Jamie Loftus (Ep 240)
Uploaded: 2023-02-24T07:07:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jamie Loftus (Ep 240)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jamie Loftus (Ep 240)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-24. Transcript available.

Jamie Loftus  (Ep 240)

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I don't have the discipline. I know what's best for you. I get it. Let me plug
this into my keyboard. Okay. Okay. I'll cover you. I'm losing. Good morning.
Put everything away. Put everything away. Yeah, but you're not going to meddle
with that so much because it's not in your, it's not on your body. Right. You're
not holding it. I don't know why you want to sabotage the show. I don't know
why.
You're such animus. Yeah, I kind of did. Such animus towards the show that we
do together. We are partners in. The sabotage. We are, we are Walmart. Okay.
Let me welcome Doug Lussenhop who's been a very good boy this morning. Yeah.
Doug, you, uh, you've discovered a new feature on
your drop machine. I can't believe it took this long, but now we're going to
open up the jams. Watch how my life is going to become more miserable.
Okay, cool. So it now is a true sampler situation. Yeah, I know. I can really
jam on it. You're playing it like a keyboard. I love you.
Looking forward to more of that business. And Mr. Victor Berger on the keyboard.
Let's sip everybody.
I'm still not used to this dumb, uh, mouthpiece. Yeah, we aren't either. I don't
like it. There's a mic right next to my mouth.
Well, you're the one that, wait, you're the one that wanted it. I need
something hanging. I know. I know what. We get a boom operator.
Yes. And they stand there. And they follow you around and they boom. This guy
over here.
Yeah, that's a good idea. I love Doug. I love, like, he's, and he's just, he
doesn't complain. He doesn't, and he's got that microphone on his face and it's
not a problem.
No, it's true. I know. He's an angel. I got an angel over my right shoulder and
a devil.
Oh, I want to be a devil. You can be devilish, believe me.
Oh, be a nice devil.
You've been a treat lately. He comes with ideas. He comes with bits.
And I wish we had some, I wish I had a producer.
I wish I had a producer who could get Vic in line.
Wow.
Smack him around.
Wow.
Smack the back of his head, would you?
I think I'm in it.
I don't touch.
Yeah, I wouldn't have touch.
It's fired.
I was going to show you, I'm trying to find the spot.
It's fired.
You know, Vic and I went on the best show this week.
Oh, yeah.
And I wanted to show you a Vic's mic position.
Oh, my God.
I was watching it. I was watching it live.
Yeah.
And that mic was like drooping.
It was drooping down a lot.
Yeah.
More than usual.
Yeah.
I think they set me up.
Yeah.
Can you talk about your, by the way, your hat is...
Oh, it's a mess anymore.
That's where the mic was.
These are extra large bucket hats?
These are extra large, so I have to like...
Yeah, because I ordered them when I had more hair, and they fit then, but now
they don't.
So I take a safety pin.
It's so stupid.
It makes the back look extra weird.
It looks weird.
Should I just take the safety pin out?
Just let it be big, and let's see how it is.
Like, it doesn't matter.
All right, let me take it out.
I like the hats.
I also think your hair looks fine without the hat.
Thank you.
That's nice of you to say.
Is it any different?
It's better.
Is it better?
Yeah, because it's not crimped.
It's not crimped.
Yeah, because I don't see the back of my head when I look in the mirror or
anything, so I don't know.
Take it to the tailor.
Yeah.
Get it hemmed.
Yeah, get it hemmed.
Get my hat hemmed.
Get my tailored hat.
Whatever.
This was like a $5 hat.
It's not worth it.
If anybody has a good bucket hat, please mail it to me.
I need a good bucket hat.
I need a haircut, but I'm out of options now.
I don't know who to go to anymore.
I forgot.
I have a card.
Let's see if I still have a card for somebody who cut my hair decently, but I
think I've lost the card.
You know, it's just, I can't get anything going.
I can't get anything normal to happen in my life.
Like, just like, oh, I'll just, oh, is your haircuts on Tuesday?
Just the normal thing I normally do.
No, it's like, it's like life is like starting over every month.
It's like full start over.
Oh, I don't know.
It's not this.
Go to Vick's guy.
Yeah, right.
He has no idea.
I don't even know what this is.
What you want him to do?
Bowling.
This bowling card for video games.
It's just, I don't know what I have in here.
I don't, I, you know, I don't know.
Oh, this is, what are those called when you get the sonogram or whatever?
My new baby.
We're having a new, we're having a third kid.
Wait, what?
What?
Just kidding.
My new baby.
Not with my original wife.
It's a new woman.
No, your original wife.
No.
We're still together, but I'm having another baby with another woman.
That's fine.
It was not planned.
Nothing, nothing's planned anymore.
I just got into a little, I had a one night stand with this woman.
Very nice.
And we were not careful, whatever.
Your wife is very understanding?
She's not pleased.
She's not happy about it.
Okay.
But I said, hon, I think the right thing to do is for me to be a dad again, be
a father for this new person that's coming.
And so we're going to have another child.
And you're going to move the new woman in?
She lives in Davenport.
Davenport, Iowa.
Yeah.
How did you meet her?
How did you meet her?
I was doing a conference.
I remember you flew there for some mysterious reason.
It was a conference.
Yeah, I was doing a conference on biodiversity, which I've been studying and
learning more and more about.
And it was a very, she's also a scientist.
Are you playing, are you, are you doing a show at the pro, the pro abortion
thing?
Pro abortion.
Pro abortion show.
Prohibition.
Pro abortion.
Aren't you really doing it at the lodge room?
Tonight, yes.
I'll be doing, I'm doing a fucking another show.
God damn it.
You should bring your mistress along.
She's not a mistress.
You can bring your guma.
She's not a mistress, okay?
She's a nice woman.
She's, you know, we are two consenting adults deciding to procreate.
I begged her to have an abortion.
So cute.
I begged her.
Like Herschel Walker.
Yeah.
You don't hear about that guy anymore.
I'm, that's because he lost.
I'm doing the lodge room tonight for a benefit.
Bro, bro's for Wade.
I don't know what the hell it's called.
Bro V. Wade.
Bro V. Wade.
It's just, you name it, who's going to be there.
Ted, Ted Danson.
Ted, Todd Danson.
Todd Bridges.
Fucking, but Doug Benson.
Doug Benson, great.
But Doug Benson.
I'm going to change my name to B-Doug.
B-Doug.
B and then apostrophe D.
B-Doug.
B-Doug.
Who else?
I don't know who else.
Brian Cranston.
Brian Cranston.
Cossain.
Crazy conspiracy.
The insane Cossain.
That's his new stage name.
I'm not a man.
I'm not just going to hear him, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
I'm here, I'm here.
I'm here, I'm here.
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
Anyways, it's going to be shitty out.
Don't go out.
What are you doing?
Don't get a drop in the rain.
It's going to be dangerous to go out.
We have to introduce our guest, I think.
Oh, shit.
Well, I don't hear that.
How come we don't hear it?
Sorry about that.
Thank you.
I don't know.
Has the audience been hearing that?
Honestly, I had no idea.
Why don't we hear that?
That's weird.
Hear what?
I had a haircut sound effect going, and it was like one of the 3D ones.
Oh, no.
Like all around.
Binaural.
So, yeah, yeah, a little ASMR.
All right, well, let me introduce our guest today.
God damn it.
She's here.
You've been hearing her giggle at our antics, and just commented a very big
word.
Just added a big word to the conversation.
Jamie, would you loft us up?
God bless you.
God bless you.
Loft us.
Jamie Loftus is here.
Returning champion.
So happy to be here.
I like Vic's Gwen Stefani mic.
I think it's fun.
Thank you.
I just want you to understand, I don't have a problem with it either, but for
him to complain
about it after it was something he wanted to do.
I know.
It was my choice.
I didn't have to do it again today.
You keep moving it away from your face when you sip coffee.
I keep hearing the inside of my mouth.
Remember when we had those, we were like raised up?
Yeah.
Vic had just buy these thousand dollar.
Yeah, that was a waste of money.
Sorry, everybody.
Well, you sound good.
Thanks.
You're on a lavalier.
Why don't we just get you a lavalier like me?
I'll take it.
There's a lot of mic diversity in the room.
Well, it makes for an unlistenable show.
Jamie Loftus is here and so much to get to with you.
You were on the show last year or so or something, but I was not.
I was, this was the show I was not here for the nine to five, but you have.
So it's the first time I'm meeting you.
Yeah.
It's exciting.
It is exciting.
You must have been a fan of mine for years.
It's well, yes.
Instantly goes about you.
Good conversation starter.
But Jamie, and this is a breaking news here.
Maybe it's not.
It's not.
No.
That's okay.
It ain't no breaking news.
This is old news, folks, but you should know this already.
Yeah.
This book, which you cannot get yet, that I have, called Raw Dog, is a porno
book.
This is an Anis Nin style.
Erotic fiction.
About my family, yeah.
Ooh.
Didn't she do that?
An Anis Nin?
I don't know how to say it.
Do you know who that is?
Yeah.
You know the name.
I think she wrote about her dad.
Ananias?
Ananias.
She was, her stuff is sexual in nature.
You see?
She wrote horny little books.
Horny books.
Yeah.
No, this is the naked truth about hot dogs.
This is a, well, it says uncorrected, advanced copy.
Not for sale.
This is the galley.
Very exciting.
When does it come out?
In May?
It comes out in May, yeah.
Perfect hot dog season.
That's what they tell me, yeah.
Is this the sort of secret history of hot dogs in the world?
Yeah, it's about, uh, summer I went on the road and I met a bunch of people who,
I like went
to small businesses, met hot dog people, met hot dog eaters, followed the weanermobile
around
for a while.
Uh, yeah, I just tried to learn everything about hot dogs.
What is the, uh, conclusion you reach?
Uh, they're pretty dangerous, but I like them.
They're pretty dangerous.
Yeah, well, you gotta, you gotta talk about meatpacking factories.
There's, like, sad sections.
True.
What are you, uh, what's his name?
The Jungle?
The author of The Jungle?
Give it to Upton Sinclair.
Upton Sinclair ass, yeah.
Fucking Upton Sinclair caused so much trouble.
I didn't need to just let people.
Who is this?
Why couldn't he just, like, give that fun?
You don't know who Upton Sinclair is?
Did you go to school?
Did you go to high school?
What was it?
The Jungle?
The Jungle!
Matt.
No, I don't know.
Come on.
Yeah, of course.
This is, like, the only thing you learn in English class in high school.
He blew the lid off, like, industry.
There you go.
Meatpacking.
Yeah, the meatpacking.
He made this, he wrote this very, uh, skin, it's skin-a-lating, skitt-a-lating?
Yeah.
A book about the state of meatpacking and how disgusting it was and how abusive
it was to
the employers, you've got to read it.
All right.
But it changed a lot of things in American culture.
It changed.
Teddy Roosevelt read it and goes, we've got to do something about this.
But that's not your goal to take down the pork meat and stuff, right?
Like, no?
No, I mean, or?
No, I mean, that's not really the goal, but there is a lot of bad stuff about
it in there
because it was, like, it's about the, like, meat industry around COVID and then,
like,
for the next year