Name: Worst Travel Day Ever!!
Uploaded: 2023-05-16T12:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Worst Travel Day Ever!!' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Worst Travel Day Ever!!' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-16. Transcript available.

If you'll indulge me, I would just like to spend the next few minutes speaking
of my terrible day yesterday.
Folks, I travel a lot for my work.
I walk up to clear, and I try to be, I'm not like some, get out of my way, I'm
clear, you know.
I'm like, hi, I think I have clear, I have clear.
I think I have clear.
I think I have clear.
I think I'm good.
That's where you start.
And I can see, like, they have this little booth where you scan, they scan your
eyes, you know.
This woman looks at me like, huh?
Like, what?
And she goes, you gotta go this way.
And she gives me this card.
I got this big card like I'm at an auction.
It says clear on it, right?
And there's these two guys, two young TSA monster men.
Right away, their energy is so negative and so awful.
And God bless them, because, you know, it's gotta suck.
Toxic masculinity.
The one TSA guy goes, this is your lane, right?
So I turn, and I start walking.
And he goes, oh, whoa, whoa, where are you going?
Where are you going?
I go, I thought you wanted me to go this way.
He goes, no, no, you didn't listen.
I said, wait here.
Yeah, you have to listen, dude.
Like, real angry at me.
And like, condesc, like a bully.
You got bullied.
And then, so me and this other woman, another person, the person that was
behind me, are supposed to walk together to the next, to the end of this little
area.
I get to the end.
There's another TSA guy there.
He goes, you're supposed to walk with her.
I go, I don't care.
Like, I don't care.
I'm clear, dude.
I don't care.
I'm clear.
You saw my eyeballs.
Like, I'm not blowing up any planes.
Then what happened?
We have to keep our country gate, Pippin.
I get through.
A little minor incursion.
I'm walking through.
Luckily, because of clear, I don't take my shoes off.
I don't take my laptop out of my bag.
Like, what's that do for anybody?
You better take your laptop out of your bag.
Oh, shit.
I foiled.
I got to get out of here.
That was my whole plan.
My bomb was in my laptop.
I'm confusing you by keeping it in the bag.
Then.
You're not going to believe this one.
Uh-oh.
I go get something to eat.
Get some breakfast.
I got this French place at the Newark airport.
It looks like a brasserie.
It's one of these places where you got to scan and then do your whole order on
your phone.
Learn.
I've got to get a new app and everything.
Oh, that's the worst.
Actually, that's the worst.
Oh, yeah.
And now I'm like, where's this going?
It's going to go into the...
It's going to go into, like, customer service in Indonesia.
And they're going to, like, send a message to the waitress.
It's a mess.
So, I order an Eggs Benedict.
Why the fuck not?
30 minutes later, Eggs Benedict comes out.
Dry!
No hollandaise sauce!
Anywhere to be found!
A couple of white poached fuckers looking at me.
Was the yolk wet or was it hardened?
It was perfectly cooked poached egg.
How do you forget the hollandaise?
How are you going to bring that...
How are you going to be in that kitchen going to pick that order up?
Ding, ding!
All right.
Oh, here they are, the Eggs Benedict.
White as a ghost.