Name: Michael Ian Black, Tim Bernardes, Bill Maher & Richard Dreyfus (Ep 250)
Uploaded: 2023-05-19T06:28:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michael Ian Black, Tim Bernardes, Bill Maher & Richard Dreyfus (Ep 250)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michael Ian Black, Tim Bernardes, Bill Maher & Richard Dreyfus (Ep 250)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-19. Transcript available.

Michael Ian Black, Tim Bernardes, Bill Maher & Richard Dreyfus (Ep 250)

God save the king!
God save the king for the king!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
Now I'm getting excited!
Turnin' me on!
Turnin' me on!
There!
There!
There!
There!
I like having fun!
I like to laugh!
I like to meet people!
I like having fun!
I like to laugh!
I like to meet people!
I like to laugh!
I like to meet people who can make me laugh!
I like having fun!
Bye, everybody!
Good morning!
Good morning, everybody!
Sorry, my mood just drastically dropped!
My mood dropped from a four to a two!
Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen?
From a four to a two!
I was already on the edge!
Now what?
Literally!
But you're on a four out of how many?
Yeah, out of ten!
Below average beginning for me!
Not a good start to the show!
As the titles are rolling!
I get this message from Matt!
As the beginning of the show begins!
Oh, sorry!
I won't be able to do your teleprompter today!
Sorry!
We'll try!
We'll try!
He's gonna try!
Look at this!
He's doing it right now!
In fact, what I'm saying right now is in the teleprompter!
The whole show now is telepromptered!
Everything I say has been pre-written by a team of writers!
Non-WGA writers!
Scabs!
Not scabs!
Just young writers and AI!
The show is completely written!
We could probably AI the shit out of this show!
I mean, it's basically very similar!
A lot of trends that keep things going the whole...
We repeat stories a lot, too!
Yeah!
So that...
What I'm looking at is the fake ad, which will happen later in the show!
Very distracting to try to recreate it!
Size, though!
Size is not gonna be workable!
It's not workable at all!
It needs to go up 10%, which is where my mood will go!
How about this?
That's way too small!
Look at...
Would you be listening...
Would you still watch this show at this point?
I don't know!
I'm already zoned out here!
Would you be out?
I'm just looking through my files here!
Could you imagine?
We ask people to pay for this?
Like, why...
Why?
That should be the topic today!
Why do you listen to this show?
Yeah, why do you still...
Why?
Listen!
Why do you come back?
Let's get a caller and find out!
Let's take a Zoomer and find out...
Why?
Why?
What the hell do you think you're doing?
What the hell is your problem?
Monique?
Why?
For all audience members...
The question is why?
Why?
Why?
Um...
You guys bring joy to my life!
Every Thursday!
Or whenever...
Whatever day of the week you're on!
Is that true?
Aw, thank you!
Yeah!
Thank you!
Stop it!
Thank you!
Dick!
That's the longest...
That's a long drop!
It was really...
Really dropping there!
I would say there's an inverse relationship between Tim's misery and the
audience's joy perhaps!
Yeah, I think so!
Are you taking pleasure in my pain?
Yeah, that makes sense!
Monique?
Yes!
Yes!
I'm sorry!
My...
My pain amuses you!
Yes!
Maran!
You're just so comical about it!
I'm sorry!
Well I try to put a positive spin!
You know what I saw the other day?
Somebody tagged me!
God damn it!
They tagged me in...
What is it?
Insane Johnny or whatever?
It's like one of these meme accounts?
Insane Johnny rules, by the way!
That's fine!
Well, they took a picture of me with a promo shot.
If you look it up on Instagram, you'll see it.
It's me with a big giant suit on and it says David Byrne under it.
It's like, whatever.
It's pretty innocuous.
It's fine.
I mean, great!
Love the exposure!
But...
Down...
And everyone's...
The comments are nice.
And somebody tagged me.
That's why I see it.
So...
Big, bing, bing.
Nice, bing, bing.
Oh, they're making odd cinema references.
Bing, bing, bing.
Bing, bing, bing.
And then someone goes, Tim is one of the most un...
Has to be one of the most unlikable people ever.
Monique, how's that?
How'd that stick with you?
Will you please like me?
That's terribly cruel.
I'm sorry that people are rude on the internet like that.
Yes.
Well, thank you, Monique, for clearing up...
You like me?
...why you watch the show.
And I'm gonna take your word for it.
You're welcome.
Where are you calling from, by the way?
Uh, I'm in Hereford, Arizona.
Hereford?
A town of...
10,000 people.
Hereford?
Hereford, yes.
You know...
This...
What is this, uh...
What is this?
Some...
Some...
Some settler comes over there.
He wants to start an Ivy League school.
He's like, "Let's call his Hereford!
Hereford!
Hereford!
I want the...
Hereford!"
What about Hisford, huh?
What about us?
Oh, it's...
It's spelled here.
H-E-R-E.
Hereford.
Hereford.
Hereford?
Yeah.
Or...
I think there's one in England.
That's right.
Well, that's where I was going, by the way.
Yeah.
Hereford.
That's gotta be it.
I don't know the origin at all.
All right.
Well, we have...
Thank you so much.
Let me begin the show.
How did Nixon call his...
Thank you.
Okay.
Hereford.
Hereford.
Hereford.
That's good, Vic.
Thank you.
There's the insane...
Let's find that post.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Let's find the comment.
It does have a burn.
That's what they do.
Yeah.
Oh, I don't mind.
No, no, no, no.
Deeply unlikable.
Step back.
Josh Adams loves this stuff.
What does he say?
He submits to this.
Tim is a deeply unlikable human being.
Oh, my goodness.
I don't like that.
I mean...
But you were defended.
Hot piss on the tip of my lips.
Yeah, come on.
Someone else said.
Well...
Oh, speaking of which, we should show that.
Our...
My friend Ellie, my bass player.
Our bass player, Vic.
My bass player.
I know.
My woman bass player.
Female bass player.
Female bass player.
Female bass player.
Female bass player.
Female bass player.
She was at this weird hippie convention.
Or, no, it was like a festival.
Oh, it was Coachella, wasn't it?
No, it wasn't Coachella.
Bonnaroo.
I don't know.
No, it was just up in Northern California.
Male and...
And...
Up about three in the morning or whatever it was.
Middle of the night, there's some impromptu Yellow River Boys concert going on
up there.
You have it, Matt?
Can we play that?
I never got any video.
Oh, my.
I want to clean my piss up.
Vic has it.
Can you get it over to Matt?
Yeah, I'll get it to Matt here.
Hang on.
It's in there.
Andy drank his own piss.
No, no, no, no.
Don't bother her.
I got it.
How dare you?
I got it.
Here it comes.
But anyway...
Wait, that's not it.
You'll see it.
Copy the wrong...
Thanks for the...
I copied the wrong...
Can I start the show?
Chopped an emoji by accident.
First of all, I want to welcome Doug...
We're not live.
Oh, no.
Shut up.
Hey, I want to welcome Doug to the show.
Good horning.
And...
Hidey-ho.
All right.
Got that out of the way.
A couple of...
We got a big show today, by the way.
Let's start the show.
Ba-da-ba-ba-da.
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da.
Wee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Calling in.
Zooming in.
Whoa.
Wow.
Zooming in.
Zooming in.
Imagine Johnny Carson dealing with Zoom.
Here's Johnny.
Vic, you hear this?
Michael Ian Black will be Zooming in from Italy.
Italy.
Italy.
And we're gonna find out what he is doing there.
We don't know.
Black and Black!
I hit the sack!
Oh, boy.
Aren't you excited?
My entire life right now is about owning the libs.
That's it.
That's right.
Blue Blackwater, keep on rolling.
Boy, it's a premises.
And then Tim Bernardes.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
Tim Bernardes, another Tim that I happen to respect.
And I'll tell you what, we were warming up with him.
We're gonna do a special little song at the end of the show today.
But he, this kid, Maron, all the way from Brazil.
The talent coming out of him, me, oh, my.
We're gonna, you're not gonna wanna miss a second of this.
But I wanna start.
First of all, I want a little public service announcement here.
Our friend over at Christian Nightmares got his,
this is the second time this has happened, folks.
Oh, Jesus.
He got his account on Instagram.
Suspended.
Banned.
Because all he does is he finds these lunatics out there.
Oh, Jesus.
He takes the little clips of them and puts it up for our amusement.
Oh.
And as a public service.
I can't believe this.
To show how wacky things have gotten over there with the Christian right.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian.
Oh.
These people are bananas.
Oh, my goodness.
But they've got the new, a new account going.
Oh, I'm telling you.
And it's Christian underscore.
Love the underscore.
That helps.
It gives a little visual space.
God bless the inventor of the underscore.
Christian underscore nightmares.
Hallelujah.
And he's got all kinds of things going on.
Christ.
Let liberty reign.
All kinds of talent going up there.
Amen.
Amen.
You know, I'm working my way through this Hitler book or this Nazi book.
Oh, the seasons they do change.
This guy was wacko.
This Hitler.
He was nuts.
What a, what a deranged guy he turned out to be.
This.
Turned out to me.
I'll tell you.
I'll tell you really what.
What's up with this guy now?
What did he do?
Well, Hitler.
I didn't know so much of this stuff.
But I wanted to share just this one little nugget I got from the book.
This is the rise and fall of the Third Reich.
Uh-huh.
Doug.
Yeah?
Steve Reich?
No.
Oh.
This is about, I don't know, two years, maybe 1942 or so.
It's about, it's, this, the period of time I'm talking about here is when he
decides to
invade the Soviet Union.
Big mistake.
They get all the way in.
They get about 20 miles outside of Moscow.
Then winter sets in.
Guess what?
They're not ready for the fucking, they're not ready for the winter.
These dimwits, these numskulls.
They doped.
They didn't bring winter clothes, Vic.
Mm-hmm.
And so they freeze.
These guys are like dropping like flies, these German soldiers.
Dropping like flies.
Bunch of dips.
Yeah.
Probably my like, probably my great-grandfather or something.
Yeah, I know.
No, but the funniest part, yeah, the funniest, not the funniest part, but talk
about,
talk about the height of derangement, this Hitler.
You know what he does?
You know what he does, Doug?
What does he do?
He passes this pronouncement, this law, this basic, this decree, which I should
be doing,
honestly.
And he says, I alone will decide who lives or dies in my country.
Forget laws.
He goes, he is the arbiter of whether, like, he basically has made this
decision as the head of-
Someone's gotta say it.
Someone's gotta decide.
He says, my decision supersedes all laws for whether you, as a citizen of
Germany, live or die.
That, him.
And then, you know, I'll see that when things are going sour with the Russian
army.
Dude goes, you know who's in charge of the army now?
Me.
I'm the, I'm like, I'm like the, there's like a person that's like the head of
the army.
You know, you've got a president, then he's got the various-
Yeah, he's got the, yeah.
Head of the navy, head of the army.
He's like, no, I'm the head of the navy.
I'm the head of the army now, too.
I'm the president.
I'm the president.
Hello.
What a bananas character this guy turned out to be.
He sounds like a real sauerkraut.
Yeah.
But the big news today.
I don't want to make light of Hitler.
God forbid we do that.
But, I mean, just a total, um, ends up being a total loser.
When, when you look at it from the macro vision.
Hey, there he is.
I got dug in the mirror, by the way.
I love it.
I forgot about that mirror.
I got a mirror here now.
I can look right at him.
That is crazy.
It's kind of weird, actually.
Like, he flopped.
I'm just looking at you.
He flopped.
Doug, nobody's flopped like this Hitler.
I gotta take a picture of him.
Nobody's flopped like him.
And we were, we, we look out.
We have to keep our eye out for future Hitlers.
Because he did a tremendous amount of damage with the concentration camps.
And he ruined a mustache.
Like, I like that they call it a chaplet stack.
I don't like that hacky angle you took.
Oh, it's beautiful.
I love it.
I love that mustache.
I mean, that's amazing to completely ruin a very simple facial hair.
You know what I mean?
Like, I could do that.
That's something I could actually grow.
That kind of thing.
But.
You can't.
Can't we?
Why do we let, why do we let the bad guy win?
It's true.
Let's grow the stashes in so