Name: Dave England, DJ Douggpound, Bonnie McKee, Danger Ehren (Episode 262)
Uploaded: 2023-08-03T22:15:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave England, DJ Douggpound, Bonnie McKee, Danger Ehren (Episode 262)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave England, DJ Douggpound, Bonnie McKee, Danger Ehren (Episode 262)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-03. Transcript available.

Dave England, DJ Douggpound, Bonnie McKee, Danger Ehren (Episode 262)

My name is Doug, yeah, and my name is Dave, we're the hosts of Office Hour, we're
the hosts of Ukraine, we like to skateboard, cause we're real bad boys,
with Jim and Vick are on tour, we're gonna play with our toys, we're not like
Dylan, we don't like Batman, and the Beatles are me, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug,
Doug, we're the coolest hosts.
All right, hello, here we are, we are here, Office Hours Live!
Wait, was that a fart?
And of course!
This song is still going, is this still going?
Is this our song?
I don't even know about the ending.
I have to say, it's a hit.
Good morning!
Good morning!
And good corning!
Good morning!
Well, this is Office Hours Live with my co-host Dave England.
Yeah!
How's it going, Dave?
Super duper good, pretty pumped to be here.
We are the coolest hosts.
It's so true!
That the show's ever had.
Yeah.
And we also have Fart Simpson over here.
Hey, everybody!
Hit Liza Media!
Okay.
Good morning!
Now, what does Tim do at this point?
Tim?
Just start to rip them?
Tim who?
I don't give a shit.
Tim's on tour, and Tim and Vic are on tour.
I thought they died.
Oh, they're coming back?
Yeah.
Yeah, this is just a one-off situation.
I thought this is my new job.
This is just a one-off.
Come on!
Yeah, sorry about that.
Oh, we also have Bonnie McKee is coming in later.
She's going to perform.
Yeah.
We have some interesting surprise Zoomers and callers lined up.
Yes, we do.
Yep.
In fact, I think the first one's already here.
Let's talk to a Zoomer.
Let's get the show started.
Because today, this is a talk show where we talk to Zoomers.
What do we got?
Let's see him.
Aaron, are you there?
Aaron?
Danger, Aaron?
Wait, Danger, Aaron?
Could be.
Is he there?
Hello, everyone?
Hey, Aaron.
Can we see you?
Oh, there he is.
Hey.
Yeah, he's in outer space.
Let me just come back to Earth here.
Hold on.
Oh, hi.
Yeah, Danger.
Is this thing working?
Wow, that tooth is working.
What is in there?
A black diamond?
Right?
Is that a black diamond in there?
That's a black diamond.
Yeah.
And what do you do with that black diamond?
I ripped it out.
Bam's, you know, Lamborghini.
Ripped my face off.
But now that you have it, what do you do?
I've seen you do something with that black diamond.
I cut glass with it.
He cuts glass.
That's what he does.
Parlor trick.
Aaron, you look really...
I'm going to change from space.
I'm going to come back to Earth.
Can you hear me, Aaron?
Yes, I can.
How you doing?
I'm Doug.
We actually met at a Portlandia wrap party like 10 years ago.
Do you remember Doug?
Or something like that.
I'm going to go surf now.
You don't remember me.
Which wrap party was that?
I don't know.
It was in Portland.
Do you live in Portland?
He's making it up.
I do.
He's lying.
Do you guys mind if I just chill on the beach here for a moment?
I mind.
Look at that.
Surf looks pretty good over there.
This is called office hours.
What are you guys up to?
How come there's so many people here?
Is everyone here just hearing everything?
Yeah.
And seeing, too.
Aaron, I have a question for you.
Yeah, Doug.
Shoot it.
I saw Dave.
He wrote a pogo stick onto your testicles.
Testicles.
Yeah.
Now, did you want...
Dave says you were begging him to do that for several days.
Is that true?
It is true.
And Dave said he didn't want to do it.
But he was the only person I trusted to do it.
Because, basically, if he doesn't land on that cuff, that I, you know, it goes
through my body, basically.
He'll spear right through me.
Because the energy of a pogo stick bounces off whatever it, you know, springs
off.
So, I was afraid that it would actually go through my body.
So, he was really concerned about it.
And, of course, I was.
But he was, like, I think he's the most talented of being able to do stupid
tricks and pooping.
So, I put those two together and I decided it was Dave that was going to do it.
And, sure enough, you know, the first time he did it, it barely caught just the
edge of the cup.
Yeah, I missed once.
Yeah, he missed once.
And that, like, bruised for about a month and a half.
And then, on the second attempt, he really nailed it and it ruptured my right
testicle.
So, it exploded my dick.
Boing, boing, boing.
Anyways, I should have been naked and shit on you afterwards.
Yeah, so, not only is Dave really good at pooping, but he's also good at
exploding dicks.
And why did you want him to do that?
Because, so, here's the story.
Yeah, why did you want me to do that?
I mean, you begged him for days and he said no.
Yeah, I was like, no way.
And then, finally, he caved, right?
Yeah, Dave really cares about me.
You know?
We're good friends.
We go back.
He doesn't want to rip my dick off.
Yeah, I don't want to live with myself after that.
I'm the one who just completely dismantled his whole package down there.
So, basically, here's how it goes.
Down is we start filming.
COVID happens.
We take a break.
We come back.
Francis Ngannou punches me in the nuts.
I'm like, I've had three broken necks.
I've had 12 knee surgeries.
I've destroyed my body.
So, the one thing that's still good on me is my penis and my balls.
Can you say penis?
Is that how you say it here on this podcast?
Yeah, you're fine.
You can't say balls, though.
You can't say balls?
Okay.
Penis and intestines.
Nards.
Nards.
Sorry.
So, I was like, well, those are still good.
So, let's just exploit those.
And during the time that COVID happened, I impregnated my lady.
And so, we were having a baby.
But I didn't tell anybody because I didn't want them to know that I was already
having a baby
because I figured they would just, like, put firecrackers on my cock and just
blow it up.
So, I kept that a secret.
But because of that, I decided to write a whole bunch of ideas for cup tests
and the hockey, all those ideas were my ideas.
And when I got to the pogo stick idea, everyone was like, dude, that's nuts.
Literally nuts.
And so, that was how that came out.
And then, about three weeks before we were done filming, I told everybody I was
having a baby.
And that's why I was, like, basically just destroying my day.
You were mad at your balls for making a baby.
Yeah.
So, instead of getting a vasectomy, it's cheaper than a vasectomy.
Never again!
It was half punishment, half medical procedure.
Yeah.
For sure.
Just like my tooth ripping out, you know.
Which, by the way, it broke my face all the way to my eyeball.
What happened there?
When I ripped my tooth out, it cracked my face all the way.
Because, come to find out, the roof of your mouth is the thinnest bone in your
body.
I'm a scientist.
Hey, you know, if I would have completely exploded your ball to where it was
gone,
you could have got a black diamond ball to replace it.
Just like your tooth.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
I could have done that.
But then, no one would ever see it.
Oh, they'd see it.
Because you'd be getting it out all the time.
How would you see it?
It's in my scrotum sack.
Balls.
It's like light up.
Aaron, can I ask?
Oh, there we go.
We should have done a light up testicle.
I was going to do it.
I went to the doctor.
They made the whole plan, and then it got squashed by the studio.
Oh, yeah.
You told me that you were going to try to put a little light thing so that when
you squeezed
your nuts.
It was going to be music activated.
So when music played, my nut was supposed to flash different colors to the beat.
But then at the very last second, I literally, I went and met with the doctor.
We made the plan and everything.
And then right before, like two days before we were supposed to film it, the
studio was
like, no way.
You could have called it disco dick.
I like how you don't even, like, dick and balls to you are the same thing.
You're like...
Of course they are.
What's the difference?
One's synderical, and the other one's like a sphere.
You have two.
I only have the one, but...
You have one, and...
I would have had two when one of them was going to light up.
So how are they not different?
Because you only have one now because you blew yours up a long time ago.
But yet, you still have four kids, and you can still pee.
So how is it any different?
It's all connected.
It's one thing.
You're right.
I give up, and you win, I lose.
Aaron, can I ask, what do you do these days now that, you know, the movie's out,
the...
You know, I'm just curious.
What are you up to?
What's a guy like you up to?
Chilling at the beach, it looks like.
Yeah, chilling at the beach, dogs.
Well, to be honest, I wake up, and I kind of have to, like, stretch for, like,
20 minutes
just to get out of bed because I'm pretty wrecked.
And then I chase my daughter around, she's two, and take her to school.
And then I go work on...
I own some real estate, so I do a lot of contracting right now.
Okay.
Kind of like Harrison Ford did before he started, you know, his career.
I'm just doing the opposite.
I did a career, now I'm a contractor.
It's stupid.
You're like Harrison Ford in reverse.
Yeah, I'm Harrison Ford in reverse.
Yeah, American Graffiti is, like, my jackass forever.
Hey, wait, didn't you invest a large sum of money in some kind of a beer?
Yeah, it's a beer made of yuzu fruit, beer and hard seltzer, himatoshi.
What's it called?
Himatoshi.
Himatoshi?
Himatoshi.
Himatoshi.
Yes, sister stiti.
Is it Japanese?
It's American, but it is Japanese.
It's kind of a thing.
Yuzu fruit is very much a Japanese fruit.
Mondainai.
Baka.
Makanji.
Okashi baka.
Skushkoosh.
All right.
Very good.
I think we've got to keep the show moving.
Oh, because we've got a lot of material to get to.
Are we going to?
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's keep asking me questions there, Doug.
I think he's starting to let you go.
I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go, Aaron.
Well, we don't have to.
No?
Oh, shit.
Aaron, you get to stay the whole time.
All right.
Two more minutes.
Two hours.
One more question.
Two hours.
Why don't we want to let another Zoomer come in and ask?
Yeah.
Why don't you?
Yeah.
Let's do that.
Let's kind of interact.
Wait.
How many surfboards do you have?
I own, I think, 42 surfboards right now.
Jesus.
Hoarder.
No, no, no.
I have a trip location.
You need them all.
He rides 42 at once.
Well, right now, I can't ride anything because I blew out my ACL again.
So, I can't stop for a year.
All right.
Let's bring in a Zoomer.
Let's get some questions that are different than ours.
Okay.
How do you get a Zoomer in here?
I don't do it.
Matt over there is going to do it.
Producer Matt's going to do it.
Tim.
Producer Matt.
Tim from Pennsylvania.
Not Tim Heidecker.
This is Tim Heidecker.
Yep.
You're on, Tim.
Tim from Pennsylvania.
Hi, guys.
Hi, everybody.
There he is.
Hey, Tim.
Hey, Tim.
How's the tour going?
What's that?
How's the tour going, T?
It's great.
I just want to ask, is my sound okay?
Because the bus air conditioning is on, and sometimes I can interfere with the
quality.
You sound amazing.
The pounding.
Sounds good.
Yeah, it sounds really, really, really, really, really good.
Sounds really, really, really, really good.
What's that behind?
Well, I'm in the tour bus, so right outside here is Canal Street in New Orleans.
Sweet.
Take your top off, dude.
There's Connor, the shorts, and JP Hassan.
Hi.
Hey, guys.
Hi, JP.
Nice to meet you.
Josh Adams, master drummer of the band.
We're just getting ready for the big show tonight.
What's it smell like in the bus?
Smells like space.
It smells like a space shuttle.
Wow.
It smells great.
I'll show you the food array, because that's what everyone wants to know about.
I don't know how much you can sneak some cookies.
Are those weak cookies?
Cheez-its.
Doug, I've got some peanut M&Ms here.
Bananas, chips, you know, a watermelon from about a week ago that I don't think
we're going to get to.
How does all that stuff stay there when you're driving?
Great question.
How does it stay there, Tim?
Do you have sticky stuff?
Yeah, do you glue it down?
We haven't tipped over yet.
We're basically going in a straight line on the hot ways.
You've got a good driver.
Yeah, we're not going down any mountain passes or anyt