Name: Mike Mitchell (Episode 271)
Uploaded: 2023-10-12T22:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mike Mitchell (Episode 271)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mike Mitchell (Episode 271)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-12. Transcript available.

Mike Mitchell (Episode 271)

I like having fun, I like to lie.
I'm nervous, I got stage fright.
I don't think I can do this anymore.
Suddenly I used to have so much confidence.
What do you mean now is the time? We're live.
I can't go in there and just make shit up for two hours.
I got nothing to good morning, everybody.
It's Tim Heidecker. I'm shaking like a leaf.
I'm going to get this out of the way.
I am super, super nervous to be on TV.
And I don't know where it came from.
I got stage fright. I got YouTube fright.
I'm clamming up. I've got the jitters.
I'm going to shit my pants. I can feel it coming.
Vic, what do I do? Why did this happen?
I used to be so comfortable.
If you shit your pants, just let it go and then you'll feel better.
I'm shaking like a leaf.
Oh yeah, you don't want to do that.
I'm nervous. I got stage fright.
I'm at a loss for words.
What do I do? What do I say?
How do I do this?
Where's my script?
You know, I come in here. I'm flying.
I'm flying blindfolded here.
I got nothing to say. I got nothing to say. I didn't do my work.
Oh, fuck. Speaking of shit in his pants.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
God damn it.
God damn dog just took a crap in my studio here.
Oh, my God.
What is this?
Oh, it's so tan.
It's tan.
You wouldn't believe how khaki that shit is.
It's the khakiest shit I've ever seen.
I got a question.
Why does he bring the dog every week?
That's a great question.
Oh, man.
You know what I mean?
Why do I?
Because she'll do that at my house.
I could be upstairs in my own home, lying on the ground.
Smells.
No!
It's really sick.
What's the matter with her?
Oh, it smells bad.
It's so nasty.
I've never smelled shit like that before, so I don't know what.
She must have ate something weird.
She must have ate something weird.
Why?
Tell me why.
All right.
I was trying to start the show with a little fake chaos.
Why?
Because, obviously, I'm not nervous.
I couldn't be more.
Come on.
I'm snug as a bug in a rug.
But why?
And now here we have actual chaos, and that's the beauty of the show.
You never know what's going to happen because we're alive.
By Jack Nicholson.
And I lost it.
So, Tim, you were just telling...
Sorry, Jack.
Sorry, Scooter.
All right.
What are you doing?
Well, you were just saying that you don't...
Who did the city?
You don't prepare at all.
That's true.
I don't...
We do a little meeting...
I mean, you'd look up...
You'd take a...
Browse his IMDB for a second, or a guest.
Yeah.
Or do you look at his wiki?
I did a little bit of research.
Do you look at his wiki feet?
No.
Is wiki feet a real thing?
I think so.
All right.
Let's just start the show proper because I'm so happy to have...
We've got lots of announcements, and then we'll talk to our guest, Mike
Mitchell.
I love talking about bowel movements.
And I love...
I think one of the unique things about this show, one of the great things about
this show...
A, we're live.
B, our guests are here.
Our guests are here from the beginning.
We're not with these lame-o 11:30 talk shows.
Thank God those are back.
We missed them.
We missed their humor.
Our guests sit here and endure the opening monologue and our opening moments of
the show.
Sit there and enjoy yourself.
Because what are you going to do?
Sit in the green room?
I don't have a green room.
Well, do it live!
BOWIE.
BOWIE.
So I'll quickly acknowledge, because some people feel it's awkward.
But Mike, you're here.
I'm here.
And I'm looking at you.
Yeah, thank you for having me.
Just happy to be here, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm very happy to be here.
It's funny because you were...
The things you were saying about shaking and shitting, the dog didn't.
I know, suddenly I became the dog.
The dog became me.
The dog felt my energy.
And the dog was like, I didn't know it was a bit.
I didn't know he was goofing around.
Yeah, now the dog's very chill.
You're right.
It's like one of those movies where I become the animal.
It's like Freaky Friday or something.
Oh, remember that movie we watched where Busey turns into the dog?
Oh, yeah.
Quimby.
Quimby.
What's his name?
Gary Busey.
Quimby.
It's got Q in it.
Quincy.
Quimby.
I think it's Quimby.
I'll tell you, this movie sucks.
This is 2001 or something like that.
In fact, we--
We watched it and they had a big screening and then it was like so bad.
It wasn't even that great to clown on.
It's not even worth it.
You ever see Hyder in the house?
All right.
Can we start the show, please?
Oh, my God.
Let's not go through--what are we, Red Letter Media?
I'm talking about movies who I love and had dinner with or lunch with in
Milwaukee,
so I don't think I don't know who--that they love me and I love them and we
communicate.
Okay?
I'm talking to Red Letter Media.
I'm talking to Doughboys.
I'm talking to 'em all!
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to Office Hours Live.
I'm your host, Tim Heidecker.
With me is back from tour, DJ Doug Pound.
Good.
Oh, shit.
I forgot my morning.
Let's retoot.
Let's do a two.
Hold on.
I'll be good.
Take two.
I'm ready to go.
Good morning, everybody.
Welcome to the show.
It's Tim Heidecker.
We're watching Office Hours Live. It is Thursday, October 12th, 2023. We're
coming to you live from Glendale, California. And it is overcast out. With me
is DJ Doug Powell.
Good horning.
And.
Are we still live?
Yeah. All my shit fell down. Victor Berger with me. Victor, communicate with me,
would you?
Hello, everybody.
My mouse went everywhere. Where'd my mouse go? There she blows.
I had so much issues with these mouses. Oh, that's what it is. That's why it
fell, because of the cord.
And last week he was our human capo. This week, my goodness, the rise of Joseph.
What's your last name, Joseph?
Rodriguez.
Say that again?
Rodriguez.
Are you on the mic?
He's not on mic. It's Rodriguez, he says.
Oh, yeah. You got to press the button.
Rodriguez.
No, hold it down.
Hold it down when you.
It's on Rodriguez.
There it is.
Hallelujah!
Yes. So that's how you communicate. You have to hold the button down, because
we prefer Matt to be off mic, I guess.
I guess. In general. He's always talking to himself. Oh, that was good.
The rise of Joseph Rodriguez in the Office Hours universe. Is there, I'm
hearing a slapback, too. Oh, no. Is that just coming from the, from the control
room?
Is anybody out there hearing a slapback? Oh, I'm not hearing it. No. You're not
hearing it? Are you hearing it? I'm not hearing it. Okay, this.
Is that door fully closed?
Maybe you guys can just turn it down in there a little bit. It's like you're
blast.
They're just, they're really enjoying it.
5.1 experience in there.
Those guys are like the Maxell commercial in the...
You like that. You boys, look at that. I'm going to get over there and tickle
you.
I know.
I'm going to get over there and tickle you.
I mean, that's a big part of what I'm doing.
That's what I'm doing.
Those tapes, those Maxell tapes.
I'm going to get over there and tickle you.
I know.
I'm going to get over there and tickle you.
I mean, that's a big part of what I'm doing.
Those tapes, those Maxell tapes with that dude.
Long hair.
What is my life?
What is my purpose in life?
It is to tickle these guys with my humor.
I don't care if none of you like it.
My purpose on this planet is to tickle you.
Mm-hmm.
So Joseph Rodriguez is here in Matt's stead
because our pal Matt, my little pal, producer Matt, Captain Carlin...
Is the captain of the...
Was called upon, and we talked about it on the show, called upon for jury duty.
And was picked to be a jurist in a murder trial.
I wonder if they were like...
In a murder trial!
Can we get your opinion on the film Tar?
Yeah, that would be funny.
Because they figure out...
The defense team's like, "Oh yeah, we'll take them."
You know what I mean?
I don't know if this is public knowledge, but...
Now, I've known Matt for many years, and Matt is a great friend, but he...
Last year, him and his wife watched Tar and declared it to be a stinker.
A shitty movie.
And I go, "Hmm..."
I'm gonna watch.
And I loved it!
And so did the Academy.
And so did many critics.
So did I.
And so did Doug.
I swear to God, there's an open channel here.
Luke?
But you're hearing something, right?
Someone's phone?
Oh, I know what it is.
Hello, hello.
Oh, I found it!
Oh, shit.
It's the old headphones plugged in.
Oh, such a relief.
I hope that didn't affect you or the show or anything.
No.
You didn't find it distracting.
Not at all.
So Matt...
So when we say...
And this has now become a shorthand for Matt's questionable judgment.
We'll say tar... that's a tar take.
That's a tar take.
No, it's not fair because, of course, tar is a... maybe perhaps a... did you
see tar?
I saw tar.
Did you like it?
I did, yeah.
Yeah.
It's a normal reaction.
It's long.
My mom didn't like tar.
Yeah.
I questioned her judgment as well.
My mom didn't like tar.
I'm in the same club.
Yeah.
But it's kind of like...
You gotta be a little sophisticated to like tar.
Yeah.
You gotta be kind of...
My mom loved glass onion, didn't like tar.
Right.
That was her breakdown.
Yeah.
She really liked glass onion.
So...
Anyway.
Well, I think what Doug's point is, is that...
The defense is looking for a bad...
For bad judgment of someone's character, not really understanding the evidence...
That they're maybe looking for...
Oh, sorry Matt.
Matt's usually right on the money with stuff.
Oh my heavens.
Oh dear.
All right.
Let's take a call or I wanna say hello.
Fucking bonafide moral.
Listen, we're here to bring joy and laughter and fun.
And that's why we got Mike here.
And you brought fruit.
I brought fruit.
Let's just get that over with.
I just wanna...
I wanna...
I just wanna bring it up.
I'm sorry about it.
Can people...
I don't know if people can see the fruit.
I brought...
I brought fruit.
In L.A.
I want you a fruit cart in L.A.
Because...
You're hungry.
And they say, gotta get a taco.
I think that's the underrated secret.
With tahini.
It's the best.
And I don't know you get that everywhere else.
Maybe you do.
Do you get that in...
Dallas?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
Not in Chicago.
I did mango and pineapple and I did tahini.
Yep.
And I got a little chamoy.
What's chamoy?
Chamoy is kind of like that red liquid.
I don't know what it is.
Oh yeah.
But it's kind of a sweet...
And then they got the Yicama in there.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, you really customize it.
There's only two flavors going on.
I want mango and pineapple.
I don't love the orange in there.
Because it gets a little chewy with all the pulp and all the...
Oh yeah.
I'll never do that.
I don't need the orange.
I like the coconut.
Coconut's okay, yeah.
Cucumber is the best in it.
The best?
I don't like that orange melon.
Yeah, take the skin off it.
That's what I just said.
The orange.
Yeah, the orange is nice.
No, you said orange orange.
Yeah.
It's called...
Oh yeah.
What are those called though?
Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Cantaloupe.
Cantaloupe.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, we don't need those anymore.
I don't care about...
I mean, cantaloupe's gotta be like one in a million melons.
That's good.
I get some fresh ones though.
Generally, you're getting shitty cantaloupe.
It's just filler.
It's filler melon.
No one's going for that.
But where do they get...
Because all the fruit carts in LA, they all have the same cart, the same style.
Where are they getting this fruit from?
The guy told me he got good...
He was like, I got good...
What did I say?
There's pineapple.
Mango and pineapple.
He was like, I got great mango today.
And then he cut off a little piece.
Oh nice.
Some of it's like really good.
Yeah.
And then he squeezes lime into it.
That's why the lime on top is.
Downtown, there's like where all the trains come in.
Oh yeah.
There's like the big fruit market there.
Oh yeah.
That's probably where, yeah.
That's where it's all grown.
Yeah.
Right by the train track.
I like food.
They got orchards.
Orchards galore.
All right.
Well, let me do this, Mike.
Let's move on from the fruit.
Bam!
Okay.
Can I eat it?
Of course.
Okay.
I felt rude eating it, but I...
We love the sounds of people.
The audience writes in th