Name: Jay Weingarten | Office Hours with Tim Heidecker (Episode 264)
Uploaded: 2023-11-23T18:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Weingarten | Office Hours with Tim Heidecker (Episode 264)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Weingarten | Office Hours with Tim Heidecker (Episode 264)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-23. Transcript available.

Jay Weingarten | Office Hours with Tim Heidecker (Episode 264)

Well, the funny thing that I used to say, and we used to say this in the clubs
a lot,
that what is a comedian and a drug dealer have in common?
What's that?
They both crack each other up.
I said, you know, who's hot right now?
Who's coming up?
And so your name came up, and we're happy to have you down here.
Can I get you something to drink?
Can I make you something?
This is tequila.
This is Milagro.
I'll just drink with it.
So you drink.
Yes.
You're not one of these pussies who doesn't, you can't have a drink.
That's correct.
Ice?
Oh, yeah, please.
The lime?
Sure.
Yeah, whatever you recommend here, this is, I'm excited to be here.
Yeah, this is a good opportunity for me.
Well, listen, I mean, nowadays, when I was, you know, coming up, it was all
about getting
on to certain talk shows that we won't mention.
Why won't you mention?
Well, because it's all a fucking joke.
It's all a rat race.
What I'm saying is now a young guy like you needs to do this kind of shit,
needs to do these
kind of shows, this kind of loose format, because it's a lot easier to get a
fucking vibe off
with somebody here than if I, if then, you know, putting you up on a mic and
having you do five
minutes of what you think is your best shit.
Okay.
It sounds like it would be basically the same.
Whether we were...
It's not the same.
And you're under the illusion.
Do you care if I fucking smoke or are you going to...
Hell no.
I don't think I'm the kind of guy who cares about this stuff.
Do you want to smoke?
I mean, listen, there's a clove cigarettes.
I'll try it.
I'll try it.
Yeah.
And, uh...
I'll try that stuff.
Finally, some fucking balls on, on somebody here.
So, you're like, um, a millennial comedian, right?
One second.
Uh...
Fucking guy hasn't smoked before.
Yes.
I was born between the years of 1980 and 2000.
You hold this in or no?
You can.
I do.
Okay.
Yeah, because I'm looking...
I'll...
I pick comedians' brains, like older guys, you know?
Oh, right, right, right, right, right.
Well, that's smart.
So, that's the kind of question I would ask.
I'd say, oh, do you hold this in or in how long?
I follow up.
Well, I mean, listen.
The whole thing with your generation,
it feels like you have to, like, tiptoe around so many subjects.
Like, you can't really...
Like, you probably...
I mean, my guess is you probably can't...
I don't know what you believe.
I don't know what your point of view is on fucking anything.
So, you haven't seen anything.
I haven't seen shit.
But that's okay.
I mean, the point I'm saying is,
and I bet even if I did,
I wouldn't get a sense of the way you really think
because I'm guessing that you're...
That because of your age
and because of the climate we're in
and the environment we're in,
that you don't necessarily feel safe speaking your mind.
It is what it is.
Like, I can't change the fact that when I was born,
I was born in 1976.
Right?
That makes me Gen X.
Right.
Right?
So, you come in with a whole different set of values,
a different set of perspectives
that I can or cannot,
depending on what they are,
connect with.
So, you'll watch my stuff.
I used to have a fucking ashtray in here
and the fucking cleaning lady got rid of it.
You can use this shit.
She got rid of it?
Well, I don't know.
She was probably in the fucking dishwasher.
Speaking of which,
I have a Miele range, right?
A range?
Like a stove?
An oven and a stove.
Okay.
A fucking range.
Okay.
And got this sucker 6,000 bucks three years ago.
Digital display on the fucker craps out.
It says, you know,
it's just a bunch of numbers and backwards
like if someone took a hammer to it, right?
Right.
Bring the guy over
and fucking 1,200 bucks to fix the display.
Or, if that doesn't work,
3,000 to replace that whole unit.
In other words,
they have to bring the whole thing out,
take the whole thing out,
and replace it.
So, my point is,
the shit that they sell now,
even though they're putting
a top-line price tag on it,
six grand for a goddamn range,
three years later,
the fucking digital display goes out.
It's a bigger,
for example,
do you have a car?
Yes.
I live in Los Angeles.
Is the Pope Catholic?
You've heard me say that.
That's fucking funny.
You don't know any of my stuff, I guess.
No, I guess not.
But I want to get to know you,
and that's why you're here.
So,
what kind of car do you have?
I am currently driving a Volkswagen.
See,
now there's a fucking car.
That's a German car.
And they knew how to make cars.
But you know the backstory
with that shit.
Of course.
My last name is
a city in Germany.
Yeah,
you smoke these.
I'm smoking them right now.
I don't know,
do you need a pair of glasses?
Because I'm obviously smoking
That was actually a decent joke right there.
Do I need a pair?
Because I am feeling
a little insecure right now.
Well, you shouldn't, man.
This is like,
you know,
first of all,
as a comedian,
you should have thicker skin.
See,
this is what drives me crazy.
And it's sort of a,
it's endemic of your generation.
Endemic?
Endemic.
Endemic.
Look it up.
You have now three times
I've asked you
for one of your jokes.
And instead of telling me
one of your jokes,
you sidestep
and tell me some,
you know,
you go into your own
personal psychology bullshit.
No, I asked you
to set me out properly,
which was,
you were supposed to mention
grocery stores or food.
Okay.
Let's do it that way.
You're an interesting guy.
I mean,
you know,
you're a generation,
I think,
and mine,
and I'm not,
listen,
I'm not just going
to throw this all on you.
I mean,
what's happening now
is with Instacart
and Amazon
and Postmates
and Uber,
people aren't going
to the fucking grocery store.
You know,
I mean,
it's just not happening.
So,
where,
how do you even work
in grocery store material?
Does anybody
even fucking relate to it?
Yes,
there's a significant market
of individuals
who go to grocery stores still.
Then,
tell me about your,
tell me about your experiences
at grocery stores.
Okay,
I'll just hop in.
I was at the grocery store
the other day,
and,
common,
everyone should relate.
Okay?
And,
I saw a guy
and he was buying
just one grape,
right?
Just one grape.
Okay.
What?
Bullshit.
No,
I just,
I'm a guy.
That wasn't it.
No,
well,
I know,
but I'm stopping you
because I don't tolerate it.
This is insane.
No,
it's not.
And I'm trying
to help you here
because that didn't happen.
You,
first of all,
you know comedians
will lie,
right?
A fucking course.
Yes,
I mean,
that's part of the game,
but,
so you have to sell it better
because it's just
too hard to swallow
and that's actually
a funny joke
when it comes to grapes,
too hard to swallow,
but,
It's actually not
that hard to swallow.
Swallow a fucking grape.
I want to see it.
It depends on the size
of the grape.
I would just pick
one of the smaller
bunch.
I've been doing this
30 years.
I'm trying to tell you something.
You,
you have to present
a premise
that somebody
is going to believe
for the joke to work.
So,
one grape,
you see a fucking guy
buy one grape.
Yes.
Go ahead.
Where?
Ralph's?
Yes.
See,
get specific.
I was at Ralph's.
Now,
if people at home
don't know what Ralph's is,
Ralph's is a supermarket
in Los Angeles
and I'm sure elsewhere
outside of,
in the California area.
You know,
you might want to think
about making it
more universal.
You could say something
like,
I was in Safeway.
There's a lot more Safeways,
but let's do Ralph's.
Okay.
I was at Ralph's
and I saw somebody
who was trying to buy
just one grape.
one grape,
I thought.
Who does that?
You know,
why go through the hassle
of buying one grape?
Why not just try
to buy the bunch
and save yourself a trip?
Right.
Yeah,
I mean,
yeah,
that was it.
Well,
you know,
you've got the performance,
you've got the sort
of performative aspect of it.
Yeah,
I was leaning forward here.
Yeah,
and you're,
we're kind of going
through the process of,
we're experiencing it
through you.
So,
you actually did like that?
I don't think
it's a fucking funny joke.
You know,
you know,
when Kaufman
and people like that
were,
there's a condescending quality
to it,
you know,
because,
you know,
sometimes there's just
a simple joke,
right?
You know,
like,
you know,
like,
why did the sailboat
start doing drugs?
Why?
Peer pressure,
right?
I mean,
that,
you know,
you're not laughing?
No,
I mean,
I'm not laughing
because I've heard it
about a fucking million times,
but it's a funny joke
and it's,
it's not,
it doesn't require you
to have a fucking
PhD in metaphysics
or whatever
to get it,
you know?
Last time I checked,
grapes are just
a simple food product.
Right,
right,
but it's not about
the grapes,
man.
You know,
it's not about
the grapes.
It's about sort of
this like meta shit
where it's so not funny
that it becomes funny
or something.
Yeah,
it's so bad
that it's good.
Yeah,
which is,
there's no time
for that shit anymore.
But I want to understand
your generation.
Everything,
you know,
everything seems
impossible
for you to,
for your generation
and at the same time
you don't give a shit.
Is that fair?
Yeah,
I guess so.
I don't know.
Do you know
that there was a time
when there wasn't
a million channels
on TV
and that there was
a time when you,
you know,
you couldn't just
with a flick of an app
summon someone
to pick you up
and take you
wherever you wanted
to go like
you're a fucking
Roman emperor?
Yeah,
I've heard about
the past,
yes.
Do you know
that there was a time
when you couldn't just,
you had to literally
go into a room,
take a thing,
which is called a phone,
whatever's in your pocket
right now,
it's not a phone,
you take it off the wall,
press buttons
and wait
and hope to fucking hell
that the person
you're trying to call
happens to be
in the location
that you're calling.
And it drives me up
the fucking wall
to hear people
like you
and your generation,
not to put it,
not to specify you,
but to hear you bitch
and moan
and complain
about how the world
is coming to an end
because of the common cold
and that the ice caps
are melting
and that you,
that the person in charge
isn't who you,
the perfect person
and yet
you live
in this fantasy land
where the,
you know,
that if things
aren't exactly,
you're like the princess
and the fucking pea.
You know the princess
and the fucking pea
with the mattresses
and she's sleeping
on 20 fucking mattresses
and she can't sleep
because there's a pea
10 mattresses down.
Yeah, I know that.
Yeah, I know.
That's all I hear
from you people
and you better grow up
because that's not,
that's not how,
that's not how
the world works, friend.
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So where do you
like to do,
like are you doing
clubs,
are you doing
like alternative spaces
or like where do you,
where do people
come and see you?
Yeah, I tour,
I spend a lot
of time in clubs.
And how would you rate
the reaction you get
from the audience?
Does it reinforce
the idea
that you belong
in this field
or is it a struggle
and a challenge?
I would say
it depends,
yes.
Occasionally,
as I'm sure
you're aware,
some comedians
have off nights.
We can't be on
24-7.
Every comedian bombs
and there's no shame
in that.
And I don't,
yeah,
I shouldn't feel
like I have to
defend myself
for bombing.
You know,
this reminds me
of the cop,
right?
Going back
to the drugs thing,
the cop that
had one of those
bomb,
drug-sniffing dogs
and a guy goes,
the cop goes up
to a guy
and he says,
my dog says
that you're on drugs
and the guy says,
I'm on drugs,
you're the one
talking to the
fucking dog.
Right.
I mean,
you know,
that shit,
you drop that
on the mic
in one of these
clubs you're doing
