Name: "Back in the Saddle" (Episode 280)
Uploaded: 2024-01-12T22:30:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Back in the Saddle" (Episode 280)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Back in the Saddle" (Episode 280)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-12. Transcript available.

"Back in the Saddle" (Episode 280)

I like having fun. I like to laugh. I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun. Yes, I like to laugh. I like having fun with me.
Good morning, everybody. Welcome back. Welcome back to me and to you.
Thank you for coming back. We're back in the year 2024. Can you believe it,
Doug?
It's the year 2024. Good horny. Sounds like science fiction to me. Sounds like
a bit of science fiction.
Sounds like little Isaac Asimov. That sounds like something Isaac Asimov would
have said.
We're just... How are we in 2024? That sounds like some Isaac Asimov stuff.
Well, we are back. And let me just say one thing. We've got a lot to cover.
You should send a quick message to the people of 3024.
All right. Stand by.
This is a quick message from Tim Heidecker to the people of the year 3024.
This is a thousand years in the future I'm recording this message. Let me start.
Let me do that at the end of the show, Doug, okay?
Okay.
I don't want to get... I feel like I'm getting off my train of thought already
this morning.
I want to address what you're looking at, what you're seeing. And then we're
going to talk about what happened yesterday.
And then we'll try to have fun today and take your Zooms. We have no guests.
We're going to have fun. We are going to have fun. There is... Who's this an
impression of? There is no try.
Yoga. Yoga.
Could be yoga or it could be Ernie or all those puppets. They all sound the
same to me.
Similar sounds.
Similar voices.
Similar voices.
I don't know how.
You want me to mix this up, Jim? You want to mix the voices? Nah, just do your
usual puppet voice for that.
Just do it. Do the Oz voice.
Hey, Oz, what are you thinking of for Yoda?
How about... How about this?
Sure.
It's so clearly a puppet in the first, like, three movies.
You can see his fingers, like, through the rubber.
And then all of a sudden, he's perfect CGI.
I wish you'd sound like this.
That's the power of the Jedi.
Yeah.
He should have a real little voice.
Maybe he does. I don't know. Maybe I'm only remembering him as Burt from Burt.
They need to do his voiceover.
I'm in a swamp.
I'm old.
Rainbow Connection.
Tim, what are you going to do?
I'm going to teach you to count.
Wait, you're not Countula? What is it? Count?
No, the Count.
The Count.
No, you're Yoda. Remember, Frank?
Remember, you're a Jedi in the swamp.
Oh, yes. I'm sorry.
Take two.
I don't know.
I'm looking at this Zoom.
Nobody's laughing.
What's the matter with you people?
Some people are laughing.
Maybe they're powerful.
Maybe they're offended.
What was I saying?
Oh, so,
just to address the mise-en-scene,
as our film school attendees and graduates know,
that's the set dressing, if you will, what you see.
We had a big office hours studio overhaul that took place over the break.
That was not finished in time.
And I'm looking over to Captain Carlin,
who can maybe address that quickly with an apology, or a statement, or any kind
of...
Not my fault.
Pass the buck.
Well, we put Vic in charge of the whole operation.
Right.
Where's your heart now?
I forgot about it.
Where's your heart now?
It feels weird on my head.
It feels...
I have a bizarre shake there.
Don't deflect.
Don't change the subject.
Yeah, I know.
So we have...
It's dangerous.
Obviously, it's in the process of happening.
But never do...
First of all, never do any kind of project.
Yeah.
Ever.
Never do a renovation.
Never do...
Add an addition.
Never redo your bathroom.
Anything like that.
Just leave everything as it is.
Doesn't matter.
Tim, I couldn't agree more.
I just had some people trimming my tree.
Uh-huh.
I guess you gotta do that sometimes.
Like downstairs?
Like your privacy?
Yeah.
Cleaning up those pubes?
Yeah.
When people are at your house making that noise, it's just...
Sure.
Just leave it.
But especially don't try to do it over the holidays, of course.
There was all kinds of like...
People disappear.
But you know what they say.
If you want to do it right, do it yourself.
That's...
Well, you guys did offer to just kind of
do it.
But it was decided to bring in somebody else.
It's a little above our pay grade.
What we're ending up doing is going to be good stuff.
Yes.
Yeah.
You'll see.
It's going to be bad.
It's going to be good.
It's already better.
It feels...
It feels very good in here.
It feels bigger.
Ellen did it wonderful.
We cleaned up these.
It's nice and clean.
Look at this.
Wait till you see it next week, though.
Holy moly.
So then I will just go quickly through...
And so yesterday, we were all set to come in.
And we...
Matt said, "Hey, why don't you guys come in a little early?"
Which was nice.
We came down to the garage a little early so that the guys could set up their
stuff.
And everybody's...
Wes is out here in the studio showing us the new lights and how everything's
going to work.
And we're all happy to see each other.
I haven't seen you in a while.
I haven't seen you in a while.
We're all in very good spirits.
Hand habits arrived so they could get set up and hear some beautiful music.
Get that ready.
And as we're standing in this room, let's do a simulation.
Wait, wait.
It was right when Matt walks in, though.
Well, Matt said that's a good point.
Matt...
Matt comes in, proud as a peacock.
He knows that we...
Say that again.
Captain Matt here.
Good morning.
We're going to introduce you to our worm farm.
Okay.
So that's Matt's other podcast that he's going to talk about.
I'm going to go check that out.
He does a worm farm podcast.
As soon as he strides in, he comes on in so proud.
Aren't you happy?
Aren't you kidding?
And then, let's do a simulation.
Power goes out.
Now, I'll tell you, if you look at the weather in Glendale yesterday,
a lot of whipping winds.
Whipping winds up through the canyons.
But I'll tell you, we looked on the map.
The power was down for a couple of hours.
And it was just this little bubble.
We don't want to show the map, because that'll dox me.
We don't want to do that.
But it was just this little bubble.
A little red dot of where the power went out in Glendale.
And it was right on top of us.
So we kind of waited it out for about 20 minutes, 30 minutes.
And said, let's just push this till today.
So that's where we are.
So that wasn't the worst thing that happened.
Well, it was the worst thing.
But I was going to start this off more linearly.
In the morning, I went for a jog.
I've been running every morning.
Every morning, I get up and go for a jog.
Do you go outside for it?
No, I just run around the kitchen.
He runs in here.
You run in place.
You can do that.
No one runs in place.
They do.
You ever see a treadmill?
People run in place.
Well, yeah, you can.
I don't have a treadmill.
Oh, that's a treadmill.
You know I don't have a treadmill.
Or you could, I mean, right here in place.
You could do that.
I don't know.
It's cold out.
What time do you go?
I go at like 7:00.
That's early.
It's cold.
It is cold.
But I get my sweatshirt on.
I get it.
It feels good.
So anyways, about 10 minutes into my run yesterday,
I step on something.
And it feels like I step on a bottle cap or something.
That's like a little metallic thing.
I'm trying to work it off.
And it hadn't, it's not like bothered.
It's no pain.
I just feel this thing.
I stop running.
I look and I got a nail in my shoe, Doug.
Ooh.
A dang nail.
Just like a guy like this.
A nine inch nail?
No, thank God it wasn't.
It wasn't piercing my skin.
Oh.
It was just there though.
It was right at the tip.
Ready to go in.
Ready to go in.
And so I'm stopped and I'm trying to wedge this nail out
and I can't get it out.
I can't get the nail out.
All right?
So luckily, my wife was about to take the kids to school.
She came to, because I couldn't really walk with the shoe on
with the nail in.
Oh.
I mean, I could, but it was like,
you could feel that point was ready to go.
Ready to go in.
You couldn't pinch it out of there.
I tried.
Right.
I had to get home and use a tool.
So what'd you do?
You run back on one foot?
I kind of hobbled back and then Marilyn, my wife,
picked me up and drove me back home.
So that's how the day began.
All right, Vic?
Yeah.
And then, so we have this disaster.
I was thinking, like, I thought she picked you up.
That's what went wrong.
No.
So then I had that, that happened to me.
Then the power goes out.
So I'm at home now with no power.
My phone's sort of ready to die on me and I got some work to do.
So I said, well, I'm going to go to this diner that I love in Eagle Rock called
Cindy's.
I love Cindy's.
That's the best.
They filmed Justin Timberlake.
Oh, yes.
And we filmed Check It Out There.
Trolls was there?
That's the very first, yeah, I was at that.
Wait, what do you mean?
They filmed what there?
The animated film Trolls?
No, the music video with Justin Timberlake.
They did not film that.
But so I go, I'm like, all right, well, you know what?
I'm going to make the best out of this situation.
I'm going to go down to Cindy's and have a little lunch and do some reading and
some work.
And I get to Cindy's closed for construction.
Ugh, that's bullshit.
And I just felt like the universe was taking a big old dump on me.
I like food.
But today's a new day and unfortunately-
Where'd you go or did you just give up?
Then I went to this other place called Taco Spot, which isn't as good.
I don't know that, but I had a chili relleno.
Gotta go to Gisados.
The other thing is Hand Habits was here, ready to go yesterday.
And then they agreed to come in today.
That was the agreement.
And then last night they contacted Matt and said,
"Out sick, out sick."
Ironically, Vic has some hand habits he'd like to address.
Right?
I can't.
I have very hairy hands.
Very hairy palms.
So that, but you know, in a way, and by the way,
we had another guest that we were very, that I had on the, on the line.
I was about to come in yesterday and they couldn't do it at the last minute.
So I was, anyways, it's a blessing because it's a soft launch into 2024, isn't
it, Matt?
It's a soft launch.
Very soft.
We're just easing our way back in.
And I just sometimes like a show that doesn't have all the razzle-dazzle.
We always come in hot regardless.
I'm not saying we're not coming in hot.
I'm just saying that it's nice to, I don't, I don't want to sit here and uh,
pretend to be interesting.
Pretend to be interested in some guests.
I want to hang out with my guys.
I'm not going to talk.
And the Zoomers.
Let's take a Zoomer real quick.
Then I have other promotional crap I want to talk about.
But we have a lot of, we have a lot of shit to show you.
A lot of drops that have been probably uh, filling up your inbox and dying to
get out.
Right.
Here's iPhone 7.
He's a regular.
I don't have too many.
Happy New Year, everyone.
All right, well you can pretend.
Pretend?
I've got a lot of research.
I mean, I have thousands of them.
Yeah, thank you.
You know.
I have too many of them.
iPhone 7.
Yeah, I mean, there's something to be said for that.
Hello.
Happy New Year, everyone.
Thanks for taking the call.
Okay, last day for Happy New Year talk, all right?
It's the damn 12th already.
I'm going to try to say Happy New Year until July 4th.
Yeah, you go for the first half of the year.
Six months in.
I thought it was the first time that you see someone since the New Year.
Well, yeah, but what if I don't see somebody until July 3rd?
Happy New Year.
How can we help you today?
Do you have something for me?
Yeah, yeah, kind of in the trend of the New Year stuff.
You know how fire departments will release like a calendar with everyone has
their shirts off.
Could we get something like that for office hours?
I don't think I've ever seen Tim with a shirt off.
You have never seen?
Have you ever seen any of my work?
Yeah, that's ridiculous.
Have you ever seen number one Hansi Man?
Oh my God, that's so bad.
Yeah.
I could see it all.
I don't think that's going to happen though, no.
What about full nude?
Yes.
We won't do shirtless, but we will do full nude.
Okay, thank you.
You can make your own.
Why don't you use AI and make a fully 