Name: Maria Bamford, Scott Marvel Cassidy (Episode 286)
Uploaded: 2024-02-22T22:53:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Maria Bamford, Scott Marvel Cassidy (Episode 286)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Maria Bamford, Scott Marvel Cassidy (Episode 286)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-22. Transcript available.

Maria Bamford, Scott Marvel Cassidy (Episode 286)

I like having fun. I like to laugh. I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun. Yes, I like to laugh.
Hello, good morning. Am I on? Oh, sex sounds. Oh, uh-oh, I'm back. That's right,
ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Office Hours Live.
It's Masturbate-o-la-la-la-la. February 22 in the year 2024. If you're watching
us in the future, this is going to be a good year. I can feel it. It feels like
things are going in our way, as they say. Like the zombies might say, this will
be our year. Took a long time to come.
What does he say? Took a long time to come? Oh, gross.
We finally have a kid. Mm-hmm. Well, I'm back. Doug is, of course, we know the
rule. Doug turned into a dog.
Finally, the dog pound prophecy has happened. How are you today, dog?
Now, Doug is down under with the Eric-Andre explosion. Is that what it's called?
The Eric-Andre explosion doing shows down there.
Down under. Fun.
And who's that disembodied voice? Where is that voice? It's not a sample. It is
not a drop.
It is the one and only, the legendary.
The one, the one of the most top requested guests I believe we've ever, that
exists in our community here. And I'll introduce Vic real quick.
Okay.
It is not Vic. It is Vic Berger, the fourth here, having some yellow submarine
coffee.
Let's sip, everybody.
Eww. No, no. The guest you hear, and we will now see her. The guest is the
great Maria Bamford.
Where is the camera? There she is. Hi. Right here. Tally lights here. Tally
lights here.
Nice, nice, nice. Look at you. Pretty lady.
Live in the flesh. Thank you so much for having us. And me and my husband,
Scott.
Oh, well, I want to also say your husband, Scott. Scott Marvel Cassidy, is that
what we're calling him?
Yes, yes.
What is this middle, middle thing?
My Uncle Marvel, famous doctor in World War II, operated on Tojo.
What are you saying to me?
Tojo was the, some kind of Japanese imperial.
The emperor?
No, he was the head of the armies.
He was like Eisenhower.
Yes.
And he tried to commit seppuku.
Yeah.
And so my uncle stitched him back together.
Are you serious?
So he could stay on trial and they could hang him.
Oh.
So you want to own that name?
Well, no, no.
I didn't know about that until after he died.
It was in the newspaper about how he did this.
We're like, what?
Can I ask what seppuku is?
That's where he's...
I thought that was Harry Carey, isn't it?
Isn't it the same thing?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Harry Carey, the announcer.
I love that.
It is good to be back, folks.
Matt Carlin back there.
Did we ever reveal your last name?
Have we done that before?
It's rare.
He's related to George Carlin.
Really?
No.
The AI George Carlin.
Yeah.
No, no relation.
Have you seen that AI George Carlin?
I didn't see...
I heard a lot of kerfuffle about, a lot of text feeds.
How much are you on the pulse of things?
Yeah, not.
Not at all?
Not at all.
I mean, I think I just can't, you know?
Yeah, I imagine you've got to regulate the amount of information you receive.
I've got a lot of reading to do.
I've got a lot of skimming.
I need to skim a lot of depressing poet biographies.
That's what I like.
I like that.
You skim the depressing poet biographies.
You get to the really depressing part.
Oh my God, when did they get cirrhosis?
That's when I want to dive in.
And somehow they kept going.
I want to do a book.
I have this idea for a book.
Maybe we could, I don't know.
I don't want to suggest a collab.
Okay.
You are a New York Times bestselling author, by the way.
Oh, yes, right.
I want to know what that means in numbers.
Right.
It's a very good question.
I do not know the specifics on that.
And I think it is a crown that thousands of people wear.
So just let's take the prestige down and not.
What was that who's who?
You okay?
Oh, I think I put in my.
Oh, these earbuds are not meant for human beings.
Your wonderful producer tried to explain to me the proper way to put them on.
Right.
Oh, I know.
And then I refused.
And I said, oh, I am within the myth of Sisyphus.
I'm the rock.
If you are trying to push me up a hill, I will not.
You don't have.
You're not claiming to have syphilis.
I won't do whatever you want me to do.
I'm so sorry.
These may fall out.
Well, my question.
You've got a book out that is rocketed up to the top spot.
I think of all books.
I don't read.
But I want to do a book.
I don't know where.
With the Koran.
I don't know where we go with this.
But all I have is the title.
But the title is LOL Poetry.
Oh, okay.
And it's poetry that just makes you laugh.
Funny poetry.
In my teepee.
Yes, there can be some of that.
In my teepee.
What?
But you are.
We're going to laugh today.
I hope you don't mind.
We're going to have fun.
It's good.
Scott, but you two have collaborated on some graphic novel.
Yes.
Yes.
It's called Hogbook and Laser Eyes, which that is coming out on Fantagraphics
in April.
Okay.
It is based on our internet names.
My internet OkCupid title was Hogbook.
You were on these apps?
Of course.
Of course.
My God.
How else is he supposed to meet people and get a clear picture of what they
want?
You know, oh, I am a single person looking for a polyquad.
Yeah, so I searched within five miles of my house.
I didn't want to date anybody within five miles.
And then I put my title as Hogbook because I thought those words are funny
together.
Only one person responded to that ad, and that person is sitting right here
with us today.
What a creep.
Have you determined that he's a full creep?
You're like, I'm actively searching for creeps.
Now, are you, let me ask you this.
Are you a fan of Miss Bamford?
Well, it was interesting.
Or knew her, knew who she was?
My friend Drew Elliott, I, Drew Elliott.
All right, so your friend Drew Elliott, what, and what, did he use a pen or ink?
He had sent me, he had sent me a clip of her.
I'm back!
I'm back!
With comedy!
He sent me a clip of her with Steve Bruhl from your show.
Get out.
Yeah, and he was like, oh, yeah.
Am I pretty, the am I pretty bit, which is pretty fucking great.
Yeah.
If I must say.
And then I was like, oh my God, yes, awesome.
And so.
Yeah, and the delightful thing about it, Scott wasn't worried about, some
people get weird
about show business.
They go, oh, what are you?
I've seen some of your, are you going to be talking about yourself all the time?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
That's what makes the money come in.
Yeah.
You're a fan of yourself.
Well, of course.
I'm my own biggest fan.
Yeah, yeah.
I've got to be pumped.
You think you're great.
I mean, because.
Why would you do it if you, like.
Yeah, what?
Yeah, like, how else is anyone else going to hire me?
And then also, my current affirmation for work is, how is it my fault they
hired me?
That's a great one.
Right.
Can I tell you?
That is a great one.
I think about that all the time because I've just been.
There it is.
Look how, by the way, look how great this is.
I mean, you don't see this kind of comedy anymore.
No, this is good.
The woke mob has made it impossible.
I just hope this Shane Gillis gets a chance to stretch out on SNL.
You know, I just, I hope they don't clamp him down.
It's just.
You can never be woke enough.
That's the problem.
But it is, oh yeah, this Shane Gillis, by the way, you know, they fired him
from, they
hired him from, this is how I understand the story.
Are we still talking about this?
Well, the only reason we are.
Jesus Christ.
It's because he's hosting Saturday Night Live.
The full circle's happening.
No.
That's very funny.
And my question is, isn't it a cool move, isn't it a cool move to be like, nah,
fuck
you, I'm going to, I don't need to do that, your show, your shitty show.
Yeah.
Like, that's what I, I mean, who knows what I would have done, right?
I can't say.
Maybe I would have just caved like him and said, I'll do whatever you want.
Yeah.
As long as you'll accept me for who I am.
Yeah.
And he's working to bring Bud Light back for Anheuser-Busch, the biggest drug
dealer in the
country.
But it's like, I think the cool, if I'm Shane Gillis, I'm like, hey, guess what?
You're not going to believe this.
I got an offer to host SNL.
You know what, guys?
Go fuck yourself.
You had your chance.
That's kind of the cool alpha move, isn't it?
That would have been cool, too.
I don't, I mean.
Have you ever hosted SNL?
Oh, my God, no.
And I'm, I would never be in that, I am, yeah, I am certainly not famous.
You would say no?
I am not famous enough, nor would I be talented enough, nor do I have the
energy level.
I'm on antipsychotics.
No, no, no, no.
This is real talk.
Real talk.
I sleep, what is it, 11 hours a night?
And I have about a four-hour window.
Two of the hours are going to be taken up today with this.
And then I got to fall over in a heap.
Yeah, so what do you do when you fall over in a heap?
Is it full sleep, or is it just kind of staring at the wall?
Yeah, staring at the wall.
Sometimes I, I, yes, I love Netflix.
I do enjoy watching the shows, Dr. Pimple Popper.
Oh, man.
What, it's so satisfying.
Somebody's getting health care.
Somebody in our country is getting a full follow-through with a medical
professional who is pleasant and very well-trained.
Oh, so you're looking at it from that angle.
Oh, my God.
Right.
And you see somebody who has gone and tried to get help for decades.
Right.
And they come in with this massive growth and go, please?
And then she goes, oh.
And then she takes care of it over the series of, you know, six visits to
wherever she is in Upland, California.
She pays for the flight.
I believe it's Southwest.
And then you have a denouement of someone with a light scar along their hairline,
and they can finally go and do country line dancing or whatever it is they've
been, you know.
Where are these pimples and boils and things coming from?
Everywhere.
And my dad was a dermatologist as well.
Oh, okay.
This is a particular interest here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, there's so much.
I don't know where they come from, but it's not from what most people think,
which is evil.
It's just genetic or skin conditions.
Do you know what?
I'm so concerned about your ears.
Are you, what can we do to assist?
Are you okay?
You can take them out.
Isn't it kind of fun to have the constant anxiety of watching me?
Wait, I saw a video that just went up on YouTube, and we've got to get this
show on the road here.
We've got a lot to get to.
This isn't the show?
This is, yeah, we're going to start in a few minutes.
Oh, my God.
Scott, I got you.
This is prank of the year.
We are online.
Could I click ask about skin and stuff, like boils?
Yes.
Do you want me to remove a peniculated lesion?
I can do that.
I have a thing.
All you need is dental floss.
Cheese tumors.
You ever hear of these cheese tumors?
Yes, yes.
What is the deal with that?
Cheese tumors, and they're called that.
That's when it's called, let me see.
Hold on if I can bring it up in my brain.
It's a, that's not a lymphoma.
That is what's called a, oh, sebaceous cyst.
Oh, okay.
So that's if somebody slaps you on the back, and sometimes they can burst, and
then it's a lot of smelly old.
And they stink.
Yeah, it smells like cheese.
Yeah.
I can show you some time.
That's when she has to remove the sack entirely.
I mean, because that's going to grow back.
No, I fucking love that show.
Scott will not watch it.
No.
I'm not watching that show.
To be honest with you, got all the best.
I watched a lot of those pimple poppers, and then I started getting ones where
they're removing like beetles and little snakes from people's ears.
Oh, little snakes.
So don't, don't, don't, don't, don't follow the, yeah.
I am interested.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Yeah.
It's just, it's just, you feel like something's being attended to.
Yeah.
Which so often in life, it's just like, oh, we're just going to have to wait
and see, you know, especially with medical problems.
It's like, oh, well, you can't, you can't get a referral.
You've got to learn to live with this.
Yeah.
Learn to live with it.
Oh, is it painful?
You know, what's scary to me is when you hear t