Name: Taylor Williamson, Joanna Sternberg, Karen Kwak (Episode 287)
Uploaded: 2024-02-29T23:16:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Taylor Williamson, Joanna Sternberg, Karen Kwak (Episode 287)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Taylor Williamson, Joanna Sternberg, Karen Kwak (Episode 287)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-29. Transcript available.

Taylor Williamson, Joanna Sternberg, Karen Kwak (Episode 287)

It sure smells good!
I like having fun, I like to laugh, I like to meet people who can...
Good morning everybody!
Welcome to the show!
Office Hours Live is live!
February 20, what?
February 20, huh?
February 20, what?
You don't get this every year folks, it is leap day, mark it on your calendars.
How exciting, we're going to talk about it all during the show,
it's all I want to talk about is what is it?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Behind me an empty chair, oh, behind me Rosie the dog.
Doug's still down under.
But we got a special video from Doug coming in today that I just, I was...
You know what I wrote to Doug? This is just a, this is a tease.
He sent a video, I said, "Bud, this is masterful."
Doug!
I wasn't fucking kidding.
I haven't seen it yet, are you serious?
I'm serious, I don't think he's included me.
He did, you just don't, you miss half the shit we send.
Doug, Doug, Doug.
But Victor, speaking of the burger boys here, Victor Burger, the burger meister.
What, oh here.
What sip everybody?
The bad news is...
Oh good, let's start with the bad news folks.
I sat down and the oat milk is bad.
It is?
The little pieces of, yeah.
I didn't know oat milk went bad.
Went bad, so I'm going to drink it anyway.
Are you going to be vomiting from your...
From my asshole?
Probably.
Probably.
Captain Carlin is here, and we have Taylor Williamson in the house.
I usually do that as a Taylor Williamson in the house.
That's my attitude today.
I love it.
Hi.
Good to see you.
Thank you for having me.
When you told me, I said, "May I come on your show?"
And you were like, "Yes, how about February 29th?"
I was like, "Is this like when the angels win the pennant kind of thing?"
Yeah.
You know, like...
Right, not gonna, like maybe not.
Yeah, when pigs fly.
Yeah.
Maybe, I don't think you knew that February 29th was coming up, so...
Yeah, we got caught in...
I got caught in my own trap.
Whatever, we're going to make it work.
I'm not really a fan.
I don't really know your work.
Can I tell you, I'm just so...
I'm such a fan, and I just want to say, like, not to get too sincere.
I'm political, but like, it's nice to be somewhere where I can be myself.
And like, all these like, woke, liberal podcasts out there.
Oh, I see.
And like, I have to like, watch what I say and bite my tongue and pretend I
agree with them.
But here, I can just be me.
Yeah, do what you need to do.
So, thank you.
Thank you.
The truth is, I am an admirer of yours.
And we met last spring...
Thank you.
At the Big Slick.
At the Big Slick softball, which I always talk about on the show.
It's one of a great, great weekends of my life.
It's like summer camp for adults.
What was your connection with that?
Are you from Kansas City?
No, I have no connection.
I went...
This is my second year.
I'm a repeat.
It's not a repeat.
Do you think I'll get back, invite it back?
Did they invite you yet?
They already booked my hotel, bro.
It seems a little far off, but...
No, go ahead.
No, I got to go two years ago.
I was...
Amazing actress Ginger Gonzaga was going, and I was a plus one.
And then I'm just a plus one guy, you know?
Really?
And then they're like, hey, we need...
Would you like to...
They looked me up.
I don't know.
And then they're like, do you want to come perform for 6,000 people at the T-Mobile
Center
for this charity event and raising lots of money for these wonderful kids in
the hospital?
And I was like, yeah, I could do that.
Yeah.
So that was so cool.
And the best part is because they have a baseball game and all this stuff.
Softball game.
Excuse me, softball.
And I didn't have to play the first year because I was just a plus one last
minute.
Right, right.
And they didn't have a jersey for me.
I was like, oh, man.
And then...
You didn't want to play?
No.
Hmm.
I'm with, like, a pretty lady.
I don't want her to watch me hit a ball, you know?
Yeah.
I would try to hit a ball.
Athletics is not my strength.
Okay.
It was terrifying.
So then this year, they brought me back and they asked, do you want to play
baseball?
And, like, Ridley Ingevic's the catcher and you're...
It's like you and Patrick Mahomes is there.
Yeah.
Like, I don't want to do it.
I don't want to do it.
Like, you're a real athlete.
I'm a real athlete.
What are you talking about?
I'm not a real athlete.
It was just fun to put on, you know, strap on a suit.
Is that what you'd say?
Strap on a suit, yes.
Get in a uniform and get out on a Major League Baseball field and the stakes
were so low.
First of all, there was about 30, like, I would say there's about literally 20
people on the field.
Like, so it's like, it was not a real game.
But did you go out on the, did you play?
I hit the ball.
Yeah.
All I cared about was hitting the ball.
Mm-hmm.
But it's one of the things like, why am I sharing?
And no one remembers or knows.
But why am I telling you on this major show?
But I hit the ball.
Major show.
I hit the ball.
And then I fell because I didn't tie my shoes.
You did?
Well, can I tell you, like, respectfully, Jake Tapper fell before I fell.
And I was like, oh, I'm not going to be the worst guy.
Yeah, yeah.
And then he fell.
Then I fell, too.
But I was like, well, Jake Tapper.
Jake Tapper fell.
Playing baseball with Jake Tapper.
Softball, I'm sorry.
Anyways, you are a stand-up comedian.
That is your trade.
I do stand-up comedy for the people.
And you, what did you, you won America's Got Talent?
I got runner-up on America's Got Talent.
Wow.
Thank you.
Who is hosting?
Nick Cannon.
No.
My friend Nick Cannon.
I mean, no, who are the judges?
Howard Stern, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, and Mel B. Scary Spice.
Wow.
And they all loved you.
The four greatest comedy minds of our time, you know.
They know.
Do you know what it's like to be?
Did you ever then go do Stern?
No.
No, I'm very, I wish, I did like, the whole team was really good to me, but I
never got
to do it.
I would like to.
I've been talking to him about it.
Okay.
We'll see what happens.
Proof is in the pudding.
It's been 10 years and we're going to figure it out.
Howie was a big fan of yours.
Howie was very sweet to me.
Heidi Klum was very kind to me.
At first, she didn't like me.
You know, the Germans, they're not known for their sense of humor.
I don't know.
Maybe they, I don't know if that's true.
They have a dark sense of humor.
Do they?
The Holocaust was a big old goof.
Is that true?
No.
All right.
Well, let me just, let me start the show.
Hey, Vic, get that sound better.
Let me start the show.
Good morning, everybody.
We have Joanna Sternberg.
Did I say that right?
Yes.
Correct.
I'm nervous about my pronunciation.
Correct.
I liked it.
Maybe that's how she should say it, if that's not how she said it.
They, just keep that in mind.
Excuse me.
That's how they should say it.
They should say it.
Joanna Sternberg.
I like that pronunciation.
Sternberg.
Yeah.
Joanna Sternberg.
We'll be singing a song.
And I'm doing a little, this is a little selfish of me.
But the other day I was talking to some dads in the Glendale area.
And dad one was telling me about a woman running for city council here named
Karen Kwok.
And I said, let's get her on the show.
Let's get her on so I can become more influential in Glendale.
Yeah.
Be seen as a kingmaker, power broker.
Yes.
Okay.
Where are you, you're up in where, Sherman Oaks?
Sir, what, are we doxing me now, sir?
Yeah, what is your...
Do you want me to tell everyone your address?
Where's your address?
No, no, no, don't, don't.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
I will do it.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
Say something nice about me.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
You're a very funny guy.
Plug my special.
Your special is taped at the Comedy Store.
Live.
It's called Taylor Williamson Live at the Comedy Store on YouTube.
But it's not live when you watch it.
It's been taped.
No.
Can I tell you the worst part is every time someone watches I have to run over
there and I have to tell
the jokes again.
It's terrible.
What were you gonna...
You were in here and you said, I'll save it for the show.
What was I gonna say?
Oh no, don't tell me you don't remember.
Oh no.
I don't remember.
Oh no.
Do you know what I learned though?
Did you know that speeding, if you speed, you don't get there faster?
I did learn that.
I know that.
Did you know that?
We're not, we're not here to learn.
I'm sorry.
We're here to have fun.
Speed limit, you'll get there the same time.
I don't believe it.
Where are you getting that?
From the Joe Rogan podcast?
Interesting.
What was I gonna say?
This shit is weird.
By the way, I saw him, by the way, I have to stop saying by the way.
By the way.
Because I listened to that, you know, that PDB podcast.
Oh sure.
Those guys are by the way in it.
Like, I want to do a super cut of by the way.
By the way.
They start every sentence.
By the way, Biden, his numbers aren't good.
By the way, Trump's coming in third now.
By the way, this COVID hoax is, by the way.
Their by the ways are out of control, Vic.
Ugh.
Maybe it's their catchphrase?
By the way.
No, no, seriously.
By the way.
You know what I love about this podcast world?
Oh, I know what I'm hearing.
I'm hearing something.
It's like, like yesterday.
You've been doing these podcasts.
I'm going for it.
I'm going for it.
You wrote me.
Excuse me?
Begging.
You wrote me begging.
Sir, do you want to give your address out?
Sir.
Would you like to give me out your address?
No, we can.
By the way.
As soon as you say the number four, I'm cutting.
I'm going to tell them.
You know he doesn't really live in Glendale.
He lives in Beverly Hills.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm going to tell them the truth.
This is one of those OnlyFans squatter mansions.
What are those?
Oh, yeah.
Have you heard that story?
No.
There are these mansions.
There are these mansions, of course, like all in the hills and in the west side
of Los Angeles, like big mansions.
Some of them are just empty.
And apparently there's one that's just been, you know, there are squatters
there and they're just like Instagram YouTubers and OnlyFans people and stuff
just live in there.
Did you see this story?
No.
I couldn't imagine it though.
Would I qualify to live there?
I have an Instagram and a YouTube.
I guess so.
Yeah.
Okay.
There you go.
OnlyFans squatter found a luxury Hotel Hill's mansion.
To leave the power on, I guess.
I don't know how it works, Vic.
Jenny's up there.
Wait, what were we talking about?
Well, so I was bragging that, like, so I'm putting myself out there doing these
podcasts.
I do, because I'm promoting my comedy special and I'm very grateful to get to
go on these.
But some of these, I'm like, like yours, sincerely, this is my favorite thing I
could get to do.
This and The View would be my two favorite things.
I mean that from my soul.
Okay.
And, but like.
You think you'd really, like, mesh with The View ladies?
I have contacted the executive producer on Twitter.
How many millions of people do you think do that as well?
I feel like.
I have this arts and crafts store on Etsy.
I think those ladies would love my brooches.
I feel like I'd vibe with Joy Behar.
I feel like we'd vibe.
And whoopee.
Whoopee would be too.
You know what?
Thank you.
I love that.
You know what's fun about Joy?
You know she's not Jewish.
Is that right?
She's Italian?
She's an Italian New Yorker.
Oh.
But she has their vibe.
Very similar identities.
And that's part of her charm.
Right.
Like you don't know what's going on, but it's fun for everybody.
As whoopee Goldberg Jewish.
That's the confusing one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I've heard she's not, and it's not her real name.
Okay.
But then if you Google it.
It's like a stage name?
Yeah, it's a stage name.
Yeah.
But if she asked you, would you shave your eyebrows like she does?
Would you?
You know what?
You'd look good with shaved eyebrows.
Can I say that?
How many people can do it?
If you asked me, I'd shave my eyebrows.
Okay.
If I didn't, I'll think about it.
Seems like you're asking me.