Name: Ty Segall, Doug's Parents (Episode 288)
Uploaded: 2024-03-07T23:15:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ty Segall, Doug's Parents (Episode 288)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ty Segall, Doug's Parents (Episode 288)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-07. Transcript available.

Ty Segall, Doug's Parents (Episode 288)

- It's showtime.
- I like having fun, I like to laugh.
I like to meet--
- Good morning, everybody!
Welcome to the program we call Office Hours Live.
It is Tim Heidecker here.
It is March 7th, 10:00 a.m. on the West Coast,
coming to you live from beautiful, crisp, sunny and wet.
Something can be sunny and wet.
That's a riddle we'll play today.
What is that?
What is that?
Pretty simple.
- Sunny and wet.
- Sunny and wet.
- So there's gonna be a rainbow.
- It rained, ED, past tense.
So we had tremendous rain yesterday,
and now we have beautiful sunshine,
and it is a glorious part of the world to live in.
So grateful and blessed to share my morning with you.
I'm welcoming back to the Office Hours studio
who is the number one man in the world.
My friend, and one of the great gentlemen,
one of the great creative minds of our generation.
He is turning 58 tomorrow.
- Uh, one.
- 51.
Is that a 51?
- 51, 51.
- It's not far off.
Imagine you 60.
We shouldn't be celebrating anything.
- I know, you don't like your birthday.
But listen, DJ Doug Pound in the house, back from down under.
- Good morning.
- Woo!
- And now you're fresh back.
- Oh.
- Fresh back.
- Yes, sir.
- How are you feeling?
- It's great to be back.
- Yeah.
And it was a good trip?
- It was a great trip.
I got you guys some presents.
- I will open them with voracious excitement.
- Well, there's nothing to open, but.
- No?
Okay.
Do you want to present them now,
or should I introduce the show and get into it?
Well, stick around for presents from Doug.
- Presents anytime.
It's a lot of presents.
I don't think he's left since last week.
I think he's still here.
- You brought a change of clothes.
Are you living down here now?
- No, it's the same thing I wore last week.
What sip, everybody?
- Override your sipping.
- Yes.
- Captain Carlin is here and in the studio.
What's your new thing?
- I just said, "Hello."
- Oh, I knew I had to do it fast.
- Your new thing should be in the studio with us.
Later, we're gonna have Ty Siegel.
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing.
- Sing it again.
- Done again.
- Done again, again, again, again, again, again.
- No, much to my chagrin, Pauline Lusenhoff is here.
- Hi.
- No, we love Pauline.
Doug's mummy, 58 years, sorry, 51 years ago.
- Oh, 51, 51.
- You were deep in labor.
- Oh, he was a big baby.
- He's ready to get up.
- Oh my God.
- Big baby baby.
- Why am I, my audio just got much louder.
Am I losing it?
Call in if you think I'm losing it.
- Vic Berger the Third, Vic Berger the Third is on Zoom.
Vic Berger the Third, am I losing it?
That's the question for the day.
- Let's check in with him.
Can you unmute?
- Definitely.
- All right, thank you very much.
We'll check in with you later.
- It's only a, it's only a single thing.
- What the hell is going on with his connection?
Get him out of here.
- Get a new microphone.
Come on.
- All right, bye-bye.
- High quality operation here.
- We'll check in with you later.
Wait, that's not him, that's something else.
- Oh, that's not him.
- It's not him, no.
- Oh, we'll mute him immediately.
- Oh my God.
- What's going on, dad?
- It was like Mr. Berger, you gotta fix your audio.
Something's going on.
- Go out and get a new computer.
- Crazy sounds.
- That was, there were like cockroaches in my ear.
It was like a locust invasion in my inner ear.
It's the last time I check in with your dad.
And by the way, Gary, by the way, look at me on PDB podcast.
- I know.
- By the way, did I talk about that last week?
- No.
- Did I not?
- I did.
- Oh, you did.
- By the way, by the way, I'll do that PDB.
By the way, Gary Lussenhoff is here.
Gary Lussenhoff, Vic's dad, I mean Doug's dad.
By the way, he's here from Colorado.
Colorado's interesting right now 'cause they've got,
they just, the Supreme Court overturned.
By the way, they had the right to make that case.
Am I right?
But the Supreme Court, I don't know who this is.
I don't know who this is anymore.
- I'm not in jail.
- Your court had it right, and then these dipshits.
- Do you want me to jump on camera
and talk about my favorite candidates?
- Oh my God, a lunatic.
Play that, find that clip of that mental midget
having a synapse break this Trump
that Paulie and Lussenhoff have.
- I have it, you wanna get into it?
You wanna get into it?
- We got it.
- You wanna watch it?
- Listen to this, listen to this guy.
- The Arabian Russia will repeat it.
- Oh shit, it's not working.
- It worked, he's the one that's not working.
- Oh, she can't hear, she can't hear anything
'cause you're refusing to put headphones on.
- I don't even know what that last one said.
- I don't know when you're gonna start the show.
- Oh, the show's, no, it was my video.
- Oh, now I can hear it.
- That was Vic, yeah, I have the video.
- Okay, I got it.
- Listen to this guy, you ready?
Here we go.
- He said that Saudi Arabia and Russia
will repeat it, ah.
- What's that?
And when in the history of--
- It's a mental catastrophe.
- When in the history of--
- Saudi Arabia and Russia
will repeat it, ah.
- Yeah, he's not doing well.
And whoever, this guy would be the first candidate
that has gotta play like John Williams'
Star Wars music under his speech.
- Ah.
- Like what's all that about?
- It's always music going.
- Crazy, it's crazy times, folks.
Bad, bad stuff.
But anyway, Pauline is here to promote her children's book.
- Yeah.
- YMCA.
- And what else?
Let me get a couple of orders of business.
- Why don't you give it to me?
- Oh, let's, yeah, let's,
at least look at this book here a second.
Pass it along, pass it.
- Okay.
- Tim, can you pass that over?
- No, no, we're not doing the book right now, okay?
- No.
- It's okay.
- I'll do the book now and we'll get it over with.
- Okay.
- The boy, the boy at Wells,
this is not one of these Jeffrey Epstein kind of things,
is it?
- No, no, no, no.
- The boy at Wells,
this is some perverted stuff here, Pauline.
- No, it isn't!
- The boy at Wells next to the sea.
- Next the sea, there's no two.
- Next the sea.
- It's a town in England.
- This is a typo?
- No, no.
- The boy at Wells next the sea.
- Okay.
- You, Doug, are you okay with this?
We're having fun here.
Here, here's your book.
- Thank you.
- And we're gonna have everybody
that belongs to the Office Hours community
go ahead and pick this book up.
Can you get it on Amazon?
- You can get it on Amazon, yeah.
- Read us the first page.
- Okay, all right.
- This is your first children's book.
- My first, I have another one coming out.
Okay, so this, oh gosh, where is it?
Which chapter?
- I said just the first page.
- Okay, just the first page.
- So chapter one.
- Okay, chapter one, look at the camera's not on me.
I wanna know why.
- Don't worry about what's on the camera.
- There I am.
- You let Wes worry about it.
- Yeah, don't look at that screen.
That screen doesn't reflect what's going on.
- Okay, ready?
Archie Watch lives in England,
a very pretty town called Wells next the sea.
The town was on the north-
- Well, it's next to the sea though, right?
- Oh.
- And was very busy from June.
- All right.
- My starring moment.
- All right, I apologize.
- Okay, it was a very busy town from June to September
when the weather was suitable for renting caravans
and visiting the beach.
- Very nice.
- The beach had small cabins the local people built
to stay in while they were at the beach.
Visitors from Europe and America would spend summer holidays
renting cabins or caravans,
which were like RVs near the beach.
So I won't read any more because you're cutting me off anyway.
- No, no, that's what we call in the business a tease.
Now people are gonna be like,
I gotta buy that book to figure out how this all wraps up.
- Okay, okay.
- No, no, so look up Pauline.
We'll put a link.
- Put a link, yeah, it's on Amazon.
I've sold two so far, so I bought one and--
- Rocketing up the--
- Archie's mom.
- Who's fulfilling these?
Yeah, who's fulfilling these orders?
- Who's filling the orders?
- Who's fulfilling the orders, in other words?
- Amazon, I guess.
- Are there like storage of those?
Do they print them on the go as they go?
- She printed 10,000 of them, see?
- Oh, wow.
- I think they print them on the go, yeah.
- I'm just kidding.
- Okay, well let me get a couple of orders
of business out of the way.
Pauline, enjoy yourself, and anything you need,
you let me know.
- Should I go now?
- No, no, you can stay.
- I can stay, okay.
- And Gary, if you have any thoughts
from a directorial standpoint,
or a producerial standpoint, please chime in.
- He can't hear you.
- Yes, I can.
- Oh, he can.
- I can always hear you talk.
- Oh, gee, easy now, Lockhorns.
- Yeah.
- You know, the fucking Lockhorns are at it again.
-
- Now listen.
Now listen.
Remember when I used to do that?
Now hear, now hear this.
This weekend, big weekend, obviously,
the On Cinema Oscar special, 11.
This is coming Sunday night.
I want to make very clear something.
This was a nightmare this week.
Yeah, you got your deck of cards hat, merch on.
The Oscars, these bastards, these rats,
moved up the Oscars.
Because they know when no one's watching,
and the only people that are watching
are, God bless it, the geriatric crowd.
And they gotta go to bed by nine o'clock, so.
- Well, we recorded.
- And that goes for me, too, by the way.
- You mean they're making them early or not?
- You're not watching the woke Oscars anyways, are you?
- No, I'm not.
- But, anyways, folks.
This caused panic on our world,
because we always do it at a certain time.
Anyways, we're going, there was a little debate
within the On Cinema community.
I'm not gonna name names, but I said no,
this has gotta be synced with the Oscars,
so just put it in your calendars.
On Cinema Oscar special, 11, begins at, what?
7:00 p.m. Eastern, I think.
But just look, just make sure you're making a note
of what we are putting out there.
If you're going to the, and Alamo's doing a screening,
and all these theaters out there,
my hometown is doing a screening, live screening,
just make sure you check your times.
I don't want people telling me,
I didn't know it was gonna be early.
- Is it when the red carpet happens, or is it--
- It's when the Oscars begin.
- The exact time. - Jimmy Kimmel comes out there
and starts zinging them.
- Oh, there we go.
- It's zing time.
- 4:00 p.m. this year.
- 4:00 p.m. Pacific, Matt.
- Pacific, 7:00 p.m. Eastern.
- And Central, who knows?
- That would be five.
- Yeah, that's point one.
And most of the show will be about numbers,
by the way, so get your drops ready.
The other thing I want to mention is Timfest
in Portland, Oregon is up next weekend.
So we're doing an Oscar special this weekend,
Timfest next weekend, okay?
- And those set times are very important to make note of,
and I know we're speaking to a small sample of our crowd.
- It's not about number ones in the city.
- But I want to just really quickly announce
that if you're a VIP,
and you can still upgrade to VIP, by the way.
- It's about number fours.
- Those doors open at 1:00 p.m.
The VIP will be like from two to three around there.
- One, two, three, two.
- Three p.m. is general doors, folks.
Four p.m. office hours.
And then we have an hour, here's the thing to know.
Matt, you should explain this better.
- I'm gonna take a siesta, then you go on.
- You need to take, we need to take a break.
So we'll do office hours, good 90 minutes of this show.
Then we'll do an hour break.
You want to go and get something to eat,
you'll wear a little wristband, you come back.
If you want to bring a hoagie,
bring a hoagie and sit there.
I don't know, I'm worried about people dying of starvation.
- Crack beer if you're in Portland.
- Then you come back, come back after the hour
for Neil Hamburger, and then The Very Good Band.
Day two's the same deal, except we got On Cinema
starting at four o'clock, and then there's The Break,
and then there's DJ Doug Pound.
- How long am I doing?
- Ten, five minutes at most.
I can't have you do more than five, Doug.
- All right, I can do five.
- It