Name: Bill Maher Calls the Hotline (Episode 293)
Uploaded: 2024-04-18T23:22:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Maher Calls the Hotline (Episode 293)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Maher Calls the Hotline (Episode 293)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-18. Transcript available.

Bill Maher Calls the Hotline (Episode 293)

I like having fun.
I like to laugh.
I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun.
Yes, I like to laugh.
I like having fun.
Okey-dokey, everybody.
Okey-dokey.
Wow. Hello, everybody.
Yeah, this is bizarre.
This is -- it's all, like, distorted.
This is what happens when you start at, uh,
10 o'clock or whatever time it is.
11 o'clock.
Hey!
Ooh, good God, Luke.
It's not you, my friend.
Oh, boy!
Can we get a sip of water?
Good morning, everybody.
Tim Heidecker here.
I'm having a major audio malfunction.
I think we should probably get me some new headphones anyway
because -- or maybe this has something to do with this?
Oh, wait a minute.
Hang on.
Tupac Shakur.
Whoa.
Tupac Shakur.
That's on.
Good morning.
Yes.
Total -- yeah, let's switch it out.
Let's switch it out because I can't do the show like this.
Doug, can you say hello?
Good horning!
Wow.
Oh, my God.
I may as well say, "What's up, everybody?"
Whoa, I just stored the mic.
"What's up, everybody?"
Whoa.
I got a drop here.
I want to premiere again.
Oh, that's the best -- that's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
One, two, one, two.
Take another sip, Vic.
All right.
Let's just relax.
Every time we think we've got it figured out, we discover new nooks and crannies
of failure.
But that's okay.
That's okay, everybody.
Sex and gas.
The smell of sex and gas.
God, we were just sitting around having a blast.
Sex and gas.
And, you know, suddenly all hell breaks loose.
Sex and gas.
Well, welcome, everybody, to another episode of Office Hours Live here Thursday
morning on April 18th of the year 2024.
Hello.
My name is Tim Heidecker.
You might recognize me from Ant-Man 2.
And Tim and Eric.
Awesome show.
Great job.
And what else?
Bridesmaids I was in.
And I was in --
Bedroom stories.
Bedtime stories.
Mr. Tim Heidecker.
And recording artist.
And podcast host.
And podcast guest.
Tim Fest.
Why don't you just say artist, Tim.
Just say artist.
Artists.
Then you don't have to tell everybody all the --
This is confusing.
Everything you do.
It is a mess.
You don't understand what you're talking about.
Who am I doing there, do you think?
You don't understand what you're talking about.
Kind of sounds like a Dylan kind of situation.
I'm talking about Dylan.
It's a spray in my mouth.
All right.
All right.
Well, Doug, we've welcomed.
Vic was welcomed.
Our guest, Kate Berlant, will be arriving in the second half of the show.
It's been a whole thing this morning.
We're going to find out what the hell's going on with Kate.
So stick around.
Worshiping Satan is a witch.
Well, that's a little --
You stinking witch.
Hey, no.
Come on.
She's going to be listening.
Lord knows she's listening now and turning her car around.
Thank you.
You make a good point.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
But we've got lots planned for you today.
Last week, we teased Vic's new guy.
We didn't get to it because last week's show was so filled up, full on.
Busy show.
Overdone.
Overcooked.
Just like my meal last night at the --
Matt and I had a family dinner last night.
You know, Matt and I are basically family at this point.
Hello, food fans.
Hello, man.
Chosen family.
Our chosen family.
All due respect to our blood relatives.
We don't care.
What was overcooked?
Well, we went to this Hollywood institution called The Smokehouse.
And it's not a bong shop.
Hell no.
No, it's an old classic institution.
And on the surface, this place just looks like it's a hit.
I've been there before, and it's like your classic '40s, '50s, you know, dimly
lit steakhouse.
Banquettes all over.
With all kinds of pictures of Humphrey Bogart and whatnot all over the place.
And it's my kind of joint.
No more.
I said to Millie, 'cause Millie's with us, I said, "This is like a classic
joint."
She's like, "What does that mean?"
I go, "You know, like a classic joint."
Hello?
She said, "What do you mean joint?"
I go, "Like a place."
Come on.
Learn.
Learn from your elders.
I like cucumbers.
On the way back, we were driving the other friend's kid, and we were getting
ready to leave.
What did you think of it?
And she just went like that.
Oh.
Birthday girl.
Well, listen.
They could do a little better on the food.
The service is not so great.
Alrighty then.
Is it smoky in there?
Everyone's smoking cigars.
You have to smoke cigars.
I have a bone pick, actually.
A specific one, and this seems to happen to me a lot in restaurants.
I'm having my meal.
Every two minutes, the waiter is like reaching over me.
Fill up the water and everything.
Get a glass and take my plate away.
Too much service.
I don't want you touching me.
Is it one of those places where you take one sip and they run over and they
fill up that last half of it?
Until you want something, then they disappear.
I like keeping my cup warm or icy cold.
And my fillet looked like a hockey cup.
Well, I was smart because I got the chopped sirloin steak, which is just a...
I used to get this as a kid.
It's just a hamburger.
Yeah.
It's like a bunch of hamburger.
With some mushrooms and onions.
Alright.
Alright.
Thank you, guys.
Fake meat.
Well, uh...
I like veggie burgers.
I like quesadilla.
All right, Paul.
Quesadilla.
How about Paul taking center stage at the Jimmy Buffett premiere?
Jimmy Buffett premiere.
Jimmy Buffett.
Yeah, really.
Well, tribute, I guess.
Tribute, yeah.
That was very funny.
You had everybody you can imagine up there.
Even Judd Apatow starts it off.
Oh, my God.
What's going on?
Judd Apatow.
Let me see if I can guess who was up there.
Or remember.
Yeah, go ahead.
I got...
I'm picturing Judd Apatow, Harrison Ford, I think Jackson Brown.
Yeah.
I think, well, definitely Paul McCartney.
Dave Grohl must have been lurking around there somewhere.
Pitbull was at the end of the line.
Yeah, that was amazing.
Pitbull.
There was some dude that looked like Jimmy Buffett, too.
And John Bon Jovi, of course.
Oh, Joe.
What is this for?
Jimmy Buffett.
But Mac, it has to be the center of attention.
Yeah, let's see.
You want to see how many you got, or you got more?
Well, now that I can see it, it's not quite fair.
I'm with John.
But I think the Eagles were up there.
I wouldn't be able to handle Paul.
Judd Apatow was at the Jimmy Buffett.
Jimmy Buffett.
There he is.
Jack Johnson.
Let's give him a margarita, you know, so, because of his song.
Oh, that's what's going on.
Yeah, there's Glenn.
John McEnroe.
John.
Don Henley.
Oh, and you know what her, what's her name?
Oh, what's his, yeah, McEnroe.
What's the woman that's always with Joni Mitchell these days?
Brandi Carlyle.
She's everywhere.
She's like the harbinger of death.
Who is this?
There's gotta be multiple Brandi Carlyles out there.
Wait, Belinda Carlyle?
No, Brandi Carlyle.
I don't know who that is.
Christopher Guest.
Is he really?
No, it just looks like him.
No, it's McEnroe.
Oh, John McEnroe is up there?
And Jimmy Buffett himself.
The corpse of Jimmy Buffett is on stage in the background.
McEnroe should have done air guitar on a tennis record.
He does like actually play, he does play music.
Really?
Yeah.
I bet we can find a clip of him from this.
He's married to Patti Smythe.
I tried my best with Jimmy Buffett.
You know, like I don't want to be a hater.
But yeah, there's Jackson.
You got Woody.
Is that, that's Harrelson, right?
I go, yeah, Woody's there, Woody Harrelson.
Woody Allen came out at some point.
Jesus.
I didn't realize that he passed away.
He just kept walking.
I don't, incidentally, I don't drink.
But it's down at Jimmy's Margaritaville.
You know, not my thing.
Anyhow.
I do a very good sandwich.
So I'll take a bagel, I'll cut it in three.
So then the bottom layer, I put Marmite on.
I'll put a little bit of lettuce.
Because I'm going to put hummus on.
But it's going to go through the hole.
You might get a little slice of cheese on there.
You might just have one slice of tomato on there.
Then you might have a little pickle or two.
Yeah.
I have audio from the end of the show.
You do?
Let's hear it.
Good night.
He called in from the limo.
He actually called in this morning.
He said this.
Office hours.
Uh-huh.
It's great.
Let's not have the spectacle.
Well, listen, if this is going to be,
the second half of the show will be patrons only.
So let me just get a plug here.
Patreon.com/officehourslive
to access Kate Berlant.
It's a little bit of a...
It wasn't planned,
but we're using it as a growth opportunity.
I actually don't have that much a problem with that.
And I want to say join for free
to watch the thing you want to watch
and then quit.
We don't even care.
We don't know.
We don't know what you do with your time.
I just want you to forget.
I have an announcement to make.
The announcement is this.
Next week will be some announcements.
There'll be some big announcements next week.
Saturday, Saturday.
And multiple areas of my creative life.
Let me put it that way.
Un-office-hours-related announcements.
Chucko, Chucko.
Okay, Chucko.
Give us a hint.
Hell no!
I just did.
Multiple announcements from different tiers of my growing tree.
Tiers of my tree.
Trying to think what it is.
Beef house coming back?
No.
Many people wish for that.
Oh, Tom goes to the mayor.
20th anniversary.
Oh, there it is.
That's a huge...
We're all going to get back together.
We're going to get Chris,
and we're going to get Chrysle.
Make one last episode.
And we're going to get Shpoo.
All right.
Let's take a call real quick.
Sure thing, yeah.
Let's talk to Jamie...
Echolstaffer?
Jamie Echolstaffer?
Echolstaffer?
That's my wife's name.
Yeah, right.
Another guy claiming to have a wife.
I don't know.
What else is there?
Wow.
What you got?
Just, again, hello to Tim and the DMV.
Love y'all so much.
Again, you just...
That's the first time I'm hearing this hello.
Oh.
Get your story straight, Jack.
I've used the DMV line before for Doug, Matt, and Vic.
But...
I like it.
Yeah, I just wanted to call and say hello.
And saw if you see that they're setting up Jeremy Allen White for Bruce Springsteen.
How you feel about that?
Setting up Jeremy Allen White for Bruce Springsteen.
I can speak on that.
From what I understand, this is a movie adaptation of the book, Deliver Me From
Nowhere, correct?
Sure.
Which I read last summer on tour.
It was fantastic.
It was a fantastic...
I highly recommend everyone go out and get that book because it's a great short
little story about creativity and the art of creating music and the pressures
of stardom.
And I don't know much about this Jeremy Allen White.
I've never watched The Bear.
Okay?
He's also in that wrestling movie.
The Bear!
What are they seeing?
The Iron Claw.
I didn't see that.
I saw it.
I guess who would y'all, the whole team, who would you like to play in a movie?
Who would I like to play in a movie?
You mean for ourself?
No.
Or for Bruce?
Who do you think we should get to?
No, let me explain what he's trying to get to this irrelevant question.
Thank you.
Who would I want to play in a movie?
So would I want to play Benjamin Franklin because now Michael Douglas is doing
that?
I tried to watch that show and because half of it's in French.
Some of these shows I want to just put on to nod off to.
I want to be able to shut my peepers.
Well, everyone complained that Napoleon was all in English.
So maybe they're like, well, we don't want to get that complaint.
That Napoleon movie was trash.
And did you see Brian Cox comes out and calls Joaquin Phoenix wacky?
It's true.
He made some statement about it.
I mean, I like Joaquin Phoenix, but it was a big miss.
You can't blame Joaquin for that.
You know what?
When you're playing Napoleon in the movie called Napoleon, you got to own some
of that.
I thought he did fine.
I thought it was weird.
It wasn't his performance.
You're like, you don't believe any of that shit happened though.
You're one of those Napoleon deniers.
Yeah, that didn't happen anyway.
It's fiction.
I have this belief system that history, modern history began in 1900.
There's nothing that happened.
What's this?
I'm getting texts from Vic during the show.
That's for