Name: Bobcat Goldthwait, Tom Kenny (Episode 299)
Uploaded: 2024-06-18T21:54:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobcat Goldthwait, Tom Kenny (Episode 299)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobcat Goldthwait, Tom Kenny (Episode 299)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-06-18. Transcript available.

Bobcat Goldthwait, Tom Kenny (Episode 299)

I like having fun. I like to laugh. I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun. Yes, I like to laugh. I like having fun to meet people who
can laugh.
Well, hello. Welcome to Office Hours Live. This is me, Bobcat Goldthwait. And
when our top dog, Tim, is away, the cats will play.
I didn't write that joke. I'm going to be here with my best friend since I was
six years old, Tom Kenny. But first, let's say hi to good morning to DJ Doug Pound.
Good horning. And let's see what's up with Vic Berger. What's up, everybody?
Yeah. So my first guest, I'm really nervous and awkward. That's so weird. But
my first guest I met at St. Matthew's in East Syracuse, New York.
Elementary school.
I was six. He was six, first grade. And I had made my teacher, a nun, was
crying. And I was this little fat kid. And I was dragged into Tom Kenny's class.
And the nun was like, I can't take him anymore. And I was left in your class.
And then you introduced yourself to me during lunch.
Yeah, that's kind of my origin story. I was bitten by a radioactive bobcat and
gained comedy powers. Can I get a banana?
Did you have a question? Did you have a nun in that other class?
Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. He had a, you know, it was a Catholic school.
So there was nuns all around.
So you went from nun to nun? We went from nun to nun. From zero to nun.
Was the second nun more accommodating to a bobcat?
I think she had a little more pity. There was only two of them. So there was no,
there wasn't a third nun for her to fob bobcat off on.
Yeah, there was no downward trickle. But, you know, it's weird. Like, nuns,
there's no nuns anymore.
No, they don't. Like, there's none nuns.
None nuns.
So when I would bring my kids back to Syracuse and I would talk to them about
our upbringing, they would go, you know, where are the nuns?
And I'm like, they're not here anymore.
Yeah.
You know, but they used to roam the countryside free. You know, it's like
buffalo, like bison.
Yeah.
And then they all got shot out of the trains, you know, that guy's going by and
train.
But no, they're not anymore.
So when I went back and did our high school graduation speech a couple of years
ago at our old high school, I was like, where's the convent?
This used to be the convent. And she said, now it's a band room.
So, yeah, nuns. I don't know what they've done with all the nuns, but they're
like unicorns.
If you see a nun, it's like a unicorn.
Well, they don't breed. That's the problem.
Yeah, they don't reproduce.
That's true.
They do not. But remember, all the nuns that we had were, they were from Hawaii.
And it was like their punishment. They had to live in central New York or
something.
But I remember you used to say that, because you used to say our nuns went to
the convent on wrestling scholarships.
Yeah.
Because they were all kind of obese.
Well, I wouldn't say obese, but they were like, oh, bruisers, you know, like
they were all scrapping.
Yeah.
Like these big island women.
One day in eighth grade, Tom and I would pass in the hall like prisoners.
And so we're passing in the hall and he goes, ask Sister Verna if she saw a
virgin get sacrificed in a volcano.
I go, okay, that sounds smart.
So I did.
And she, I got him.
You asked?
Yeah.
And she flipped out and she grabbed me by the neck and then went into Tom's
class and grabbed him and then beat us together like erasers.
Oh my God.
In the hallway.
Dust flying off us like pig pen and peanuts, you know.
But, but, but.
But we were laughing, I remember like.
Well, you know what's funny was, was because they were all from Hawaii.
So we would start these rumors and I would have kids ask them questions.
Like ask if they ever saw a virgin sacrifice in a volcano when they lived in
Hawaii because I hear that happens there.
And they would go, no, that never, what, who is starting these rumors?
And then Bob's class would come into her class and Bob would ask it.
And she'd go, wow, who is doing this?
Boop, you know.
I truly didn't know what a virgin was at that time.
I was just like, I go, I'd be like, did you see, in toss, in the vol, can you,
line?
Line.
Did you see a virgin get tossed in a volcano?
Did you see a virgin get tossed in a volcano?
Did you see olive oil get turned to, yeah.
So the most trouble we ever, not ever got into, but I remember the thing that I
thought was so mild that they went nuts for was when we were in the world.
We were in high school and we put up those nun wrestling posters.
It was Sisters of St. Francis against Sisters of St. Joseph's, no holds barred.
Yeah, we made like these fake looking, or fake but real looking wrestling
posters.
Yeah, yeah, cage matches.
Publicizing like a wrestling match because we were all into, you know,
wrestling and stuff like that.
And, yeah, nun wrestling today in the gym, you know.
And, yeah.
For some reason, maybe they were wrestling in the band room.
Now, Bob, you were saying that the Hawaiian nuns got sent to East Syracuse, New
York.
Yeah, for punishment.
For punishment.
But, actually, if you've been assigned to the leper colony on Molokai.
That's true.
East Syracuse seems like a vacation.
Sure, sure.
Even if it's winter 10 months of the year.
Sure, sure.
It's a vacation.
I mean, sometimes people would lose their legs and arms from frostbite, but it
wasn't from leprosy.
Exactly.
A little different.
Shakes it up a little bit.
They'd have a couple of Jenny Cream ales and fall asleep in a pile of snow.
All right, so I haven't seen Tom's...
Have I seen you since I got married?
No, but you're also clean-shaven now.
I haven't seen a clean-shaven bobcat in a little while.
I know.
This is like, when you see me like this, it usually means I'm going to court.
This screams, not guilty, Your Honor.
Yeah, respectable citizen.
My client is trying to turn his life around.
He's trying.
I had a court appearance during the pandemic, and I said to the attorney, I go,
how'd I look?
And he goes, you looked like you were on the Duck Dynasty.
Because I would have thrown the...
He's like, I would have thrown the book at you.
So, yeah, so I got married a few months ago.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I know.
If I wasn't wired to a bunch of stuff, I'd hug you.
I hug you on the way in.
Yeah, or get a toaster.
You didn't get invited to the wedding?
No, I didn't get the invite.
No.
The only people that went to the wedding was my daughter and her girlfriend.
I was...
It's a long story.
I heard there were ducks invited.
Yeah, ducks, yeah.
I have four ducks.
Sid and Nancy were in the wedding.
You kind of have a duck dynasty of your own.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I do.
You know Laverne and Shirley, I'm having a lot of problems with them.
They're like in heat.
And I brought...
I swear to God, here in Glendale, I brought it to the veterinarian.
She goes, you have...
This is a toxic lesbian relationship.
Because they keep pulling each other's feathers out.
Wait, let me ask you this.
Is one of them male?
Only Sid.
There's Sid and Nancy.
Because I heard that ducks don't exactly have consensual sex.
Oh, right?
Yeah, exactly.
Are they raping each other or what?
I have a question.
If one of them's male, would it be a lesbian relationship?
No.
Or are those a different breed or something?
Yeah.
No, they're Sid and Nancy.
Laverne and Shirley are the ones that are being very aggressive.
I have to separate them.
But then they love each other when I put them in different pens.
They crush their faces up against the other pen.
Oh, man.
If it was a movie, they'd be showing their breasts and they pressed against the
glass.
They cannot not be together.
It's like Orange is the new duck.
Yeah.
The orange duck.
Can you neuter ducks?
I'll have the orange duck.
Can you do that?
Like, can you neuter them and get them chill out?
No, you can't.
I looked into that.
You can, but the SPCA gets really bugged out.
The duck doesn't like it.
Yeah, Peter doesn't like it.
You can pretty much neuter anything.
I could do you, Vic.
Yeah, exactly.
Bring in the steak knife.
But so the thing is that the ducks, I got Sid, and I was afraid that he would
be too randy
with Nancy all the time.
So I got Laverne and Shirley.
But the thing is, Sid doesn't know how it works.
Like, swear to God, like, I was fucking these.
He'll be standing sideways on Nancy, and she's like, can you get them off me?
Kind of like you when you didn't know what virgin meant.
Yeah.
Are they the same, like, breed?
Yeah.
Well, if you want to ask.
Like, what kind of ducks are they?
Well, Sid and Nancy are silver apple yards, and they are from Wales, and they
look a lot
like they're from the Mallard family.
And Laverne and Shirley are Welsh harlequins, and they're also from Wales.
I got, and they don't fly, and I also, oh, by the way, I bought.
Oh, Bob, wait a minute.
When you say they're from Wales, you don't mean that a duck and a whale, like a
great white,
a blue whale, made it.
Yeah.
Those would be some really big ducks.
They're huge, huge ducks.
So I got, I brought.
We get eggs and baleen.
I've got, I've got, I brought, like, I've got over a half a dozen eggs in here
for you
guys.
Oh, my gosh.
You really have, you brought duck eggs.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I don't know why I keep bringing up different ones.
Geez, this one's so much different than the other ones.
This is like show and tell.
What did you bring for science class, Mr. Goldwick?
So, I have, yeah.
How long are we supposed to sit on them?
Horton hears a who or whatever.
Horton hatches the egg.
I spat on them like they were a big surprise.
Like, you guys are going to go nuts.
I was like, I'll bring them.
I'll sneak in some duck eggs and then they'll go apeshit.
Now, I don't know if your mother was like this.
You know, we grew up when our parents knew each other.
You know, Syracuse, East Syracuse is a small place.
But my mom was crazy for duck eggs.
Like, that was a big treat.
Oh, yeah.
Was your mom like that?
Like, eggs were good.
But if you could bring home duck eggs from the regional farmer's market, that
was like
a score.
Oh, duck eggs.
Yeah.
It was like, and people, they jones, when I was back in Illinois, people would
show up
like Kazerinsky and be like, hey, man, hey, good to see you.
You got any eggs?
Like, they were...
How are they?
Are they tastier?
They're very tasty.
I'm a vegan.
You don't get this body putting shit into it.
But I, we have...
Me too, so I don't know if I'll be...
Yeah, so...
But you don't eat your own duck's eggs?
No, plus that would be weird.
So Kazerinsky tries it, he's only into you for the duck eggs?
He's like, hey, dude, hey, nice to see you and everything.
How's the layin'?
Is anybody in heat besides me for eggs?
It's like that one friend you have that is always after you after you go to the
dentist.
Hey, did you take all the painkillers?
Yeah, yeah.
You got any leftover?
You got any goose eggs?
So, so I got married.
I, I reunited with my gal.
Because it's understood.
Yeah, with Pollyanna Mack.
We had lived together 10 years ago.
Both had different relationships.
And now we were single again.
Actually, and, and, um, and then we got married.
I mean, you know, she had wanted kids years ago.
And I would have been too old, you know what I mean?
It's like graduation.
There's my dad and the rascal.
So, um, I...
I don't get around, I don't get around.
Can't you just go straight to grandpa?
Yeah, I know.
I didn't want to be that because my, my, my old, my daughter, she, you know,
was raised here.
And they would be like...
Oh, look.
There's a little something on the screen.
I would be in, I would be in...
Who's in the middle?
Oh, yeah.
That's Pollyanna and I.
Oh, wow.
She looks like a mouse.
She looks like a mouse.
Oh, that's Pollyanna next to the mouse.
I'm like, wow, Bob's into furries.
Bob has a, Bob has a furry fixation.
Yeah.
A lot of confidence.
I, you know, you know...
I'm not judging.
I know.
I know.
But Tommy, you know I don't high-five, right?
I've never high-fived.
Yes, I did know that.
I stopped to the point where it drives people get upset tha