Name: UNPLUGGED (Episode 308)
Uploaded: 2024-08-29T17:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'UNPLUGGED (Episode 308)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'UNPLUGGED (Episode 308)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-29. Transcript available.

UNPLUGGED (Episode 308)

the funny thing about doing this is who the hell knows where the world's at
well this is airing
well let's just hope nothing what if there's been a nuclear attack well then
they probably won't
air this well no they could listen to this and escape their miserable miserable
reality of the
burning well if you are underground right now yeah we hope that you are safe
and don't forget
those iodine pills stay alive everybody stay alive how convenient you like bestiality
good morning everybody it's tim heidecker here office hours what is the actual
date today i know what the
actual date is right now but we are let's see if we can fly into the future august
no no 29
confirm that yes that makes a lot of sense it is august 6th is what it would be
no it would be
actually october uh august 29th oh it's gonna be next week that's right we're
doing a little pre-tape
i'm like all my cards are on the table here all right here's what we're doing
we're doing a little
bit of whoa hey look at this suddenly i'm doing this guy nice who's this like
you know what we've been
doing this show live you know it's hard to do it sometimes when i'm on the road
you know i'm doing
this for free so don't break my balls yeah so you know this and that turns out
that we're doing this
a little pre-tape show the world ain't all sunshine so it's in reality the past
but
in the present as you're watching it now it's 20 august 29th you're fucked all
right folks and i'm
sitting down and i'm in the still in a new way it doesn't feel good it doesn't
feel right it feels
off i can but i can look at my boys but they're not looking at me because they're
looking at their
drops they don't care about a computer good morning look at me look at me if
you want to look at me
look at me
yes wow i just got ahead of it before you would be perfectly satisfied to hit
his horn drop and get
out of here is that why you do this show i couldn't wait to get to my horn and
then you press the
buttons and then you you check out huh no i'm gonna be present i'm gonna be
talking to you you know we're
gonna talk to vic we're gonna talk to tim i'm gonna be and i'm gonna have my
horns yeah and we
it's a weird experience isn't it because we are not live we're not we're
basically everybody i've
not introduced you don't don't let me don't make me pull a greg turkington on
you but
that's the truth we are recording this taped in front of a live studio audience
we hope somebody hit
record yes we can't know for sure even captain carlin has refused to
participate in this activity he's
been replaced in a very big way i mean the thing is you're you i'm you're
usually facing away from
me so i don't feel like there's nothing to look at anyway you know but now
there is i see you there
ass cheeks or something now i get the eyeballs yeah nice well your wish has
come true i know this is
what i wanted the whole time that's it uh we won't be sticking with this though
because i don't feel
comfortable at all sitting here do you feel when you're sitting you're more you
have less energy
energy yes i'm not i don't have when i'm standing there's a there's a it feels
like a little
hot poker on my ass yeah but anyway we're gonna just it'll be fun we did this a
couple weeks we did
this last month when i was in new york we i was on zoom which i like that
experience i think it was
longer than a month ago though wasn't it yeah it was longer than a month ago
but that doesn't matter
we don't need to get into detail but we do have a lot of uh we we solicited
phone calls voicemails
videos from the audience so we're going to take some of those they've got
sometimes that might be a
better way they get focused we've curated them they provide the content you
know uh and we are
still reeling from yesterday we we from our show yesterday last week if you
will we they don't listen
to be honest with them i did yesterday i did yeah but you uh friday it's friday
we did the show
yesterday with schwartzman and uh i think we broke new ground if you if you
want to be if you want to
hear my honest thoughts i think we broke new ground with the tim's guided bad
trip which is in the
second half of the show so it was really available for patrons only but plus it's
all mine the you know
sometimes on this show there you you it happens in real time you go this is
this is cooking yeah this is
going to be a legendary moment of the show's history thank you that was a
legendary episode but today
we're going to have to top it we're going to top it we're going to top it no
big deal topping hold on
topping oh my gosh you had a bad day um but that was fun and uh with the big
charlie rose oh yeah
that i mean that's going to be i don't think we have that drop because that was
actually matt the great
former producer of the show captain carlin that was actually him triggering
brett stevens is here i wanted to tweet i don't tweet anymore i wanted to tweet
who's here i wanted
to get everybody tweeting tweeting at me brett stevens who's here all right so
why don't we do this now can
you get it like what does it take to get what does it take for you to get it
for me right it's probably
on that computer somewhere i'll figure it out what who was he talking to in the
thing brett stevens
brett stevens let's see how the sausage is made folks let's get the brett stevens
did we ever figure
out what charlie did to get canceled i don't remember uh something about a bathrobe
and brett stevens is
here brett stevens is thank you where did you get that stevens is here very
first thing in the oh i know
that's what's beautiful about nice um let's take a call let's move things along
let's enjoy our time
together tgif for us but for you it's still thursday yeah we can start with a
video message from
uh melissa saputo oh geez look at this the who's got her own uh director's
chair and i think for context
folks saputo was a big uh she was a clipper that people call these people the
clippers in the show
they take uh stuff from the show uh by the way i just saw this morning yeah uh
we i went on a screed
against this big-headed graham linehine oh man by the way and that got clipped
out by some somebody and
it's big on youtube right now oh no yeah but i think it's somebody that was
like happy about the screed
right right okay positive but then there's all sorts of people going at it they're
going to take
comments oh he dug his own grave anyway oh wow let's hear and melissa saputo
apparently so she clipped
out the show for us very big fan and apparently she got fired okay her job she'll
talk a little okay
good we'll find out from melissa saputo get the update from her
hello tim heidecker and office hours live checking in here uh just wanted to
check in
and apologize for lacking on my meme game as of late i recently got fired from
my job so i've been
taking some time to just step outside and touch grass um funny story about that
actually in a lovely
office hours live patron decided to share my last appearance with my employer
and for whatever
reason they weren't big fans this job sucks anyways enough about me so i've got
a couple of questions
for you guys uh first of all have you ever been fired have you ever had to fire
anybody last question
is are you looking to hire an editor and or an accountant or is anybody you
know trying to hire one
i'm on the market baby all right anyways thank you guys peace and love
uh yes all right meme meme away good i love you've been fired let's start with
you
are you running this show now doug geez that you came in hard wow it's kind of
fun though yeah
i'm on the dirt on you have i been fired absolutely yeah yeah well a number of
times let's say i would
say two notable times both done with great respect it was not it was nothing
like get the
out of here yeah yeah it was an honest conversation that wasn't the fit wasn't
correct did you still
use that on your uh resume resume do i have a resume you know this is my trump
we should make resumes
i haven't had a resume trump's resume in 20 years i think oh my god resume see
it wasn't it wasn't
like you f'd up and they had to now the first one is uh right out of college i
was the assistant
prop master on a movie oh okay show up his stuff right away yeah i went to
school for it i went to
school for film so he didn't have any cool stories like that and then uh out of
this out of the
assistant prop master job i got a job as that prop master master of props for a
movie called jesus's
son oh that i love that movie yeah with jack black yeah and uh uh dennis leary
weaver dennis leary
right i don't know uh the other guy that was in it was the guy from uh almost
famous
uh billy the kid no no the crude up billy crude that movie's good i remember
loving that movie billy
crude today i saw it back in the day anyways i didn't meet any of those people
because
about two weeks into the process i was asked to step aside because uh it was a
period piece it was like a
70s drug movie this was before google and this was before cell phones and stuff
so i was like driving
around philly i was living in philly picking up 80s trying to buy trying to buy
like 70s props like
but like a lot of drug stuff like needles and and i couldn't do it i couldn't
figure it out i didn't
have the experience didn't have the experience uh i didn't know what to do what
do you mean needles
like like like hypodermic yeah you suck i couldn't find them you i couldn't get
needles i tried calling
places they're like no we don't give those away talk to your druggie buddies
yeah and then i was of
course well i think i told this story that was fired from roseanne i thought
there's a grocery shopping
uh from the conners yeah oh yeah yeah i remember that yes oh it wasn't fired
though they went a
different route fired i mean i had the job then i didn't anyway i've been fired
uh many times
let's see one time i worked at tcby yogurt got it you know this yogurt place
coming in that battery well and they said i was in high school and they were
like you can have as much
yogurt as you want so my buddies would come in and i would fill up oh all the
sprinkles giant tubs
for everybody sure and i got shopped do you know what it's called when you get
shopped no secret
shopper comes yes yes secret shopper came in and ratted me out they said you
mean it's somebody from
corporate somebody from corporate acted like a customer and they're seeing what
i'm doing here you
go friends it's not even corporate they they hire people off craigslist to come
in and you do a secret
shopper and then you write a review so it happened and then either way i find
out hey so
uh we found out you're giving away yogurt to all your friends and i said well
you said i could have
as much yogurt as i want they said for you right now then they still let you go
so i was out and then
one time i had an internship in college at a post-production house in chicago
that i think is
still there optimist easy with the names we love we love optimus actually did
great post work
oh okay oh somebody's you got a person my audio engineer luke has got a problem
with my my pen he
hates asmr but but vick's coughing is okay okay i gotta call it doesn't do
anything it doesn't do anything
anyway i had this internship yeah and you know it's a get get coffee for the
editors kind of job you
know and i stayed late to learn avid and uh they were like we have a big christmas
party and all our
clients are coming and do you want to work and it was of course i worked for
free you know and they're
like you could make some money at the coat check all you got to do is keep
track of their coats oh boy
and they had free booze uh oh you got plastered i kind of got drunk i was
drinking heineken all night
nice and i lost one coat i was looking everywhere that's that's not your fault
yeah i mean it is but
they they didn't exactly fire me but they were going to hire me and then they
they didn't like you
know you kind of screwed up that kind of shows that you're not reliable but
thank god i didn't want
to work