Name: Piff the Magic Dragon (Episode 311)
Uploaded: 2024-09-26T22:47:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Piff the Magic Dragon (Episode 311)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Piff the Magic Dragon (Episode 311)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-26. Transcript available.

Piff the Magic Dragon (Episode 311)

I like having fun, I like to laugh, I like to meet people who can make me laugh,
I like
having fun, yes I like to laugh, I like having fun, I like to laugh, I like to
laugh, I like
good morning everybody!
This is a pre-recorded message from Tim Heidecker, I'm not here today, but I'm
here to tell
you that today's episode of Office Hours is live! I recorded this a few days
ago and
we're plotting it in through the magic of green screen and CGI, I wish I could
be
there with you guys today, but I am off on another job as it sometimes is, but
apparently we've got a great show happening today, we've got Piff the Magic
Dragon is here, and that's it!
To prove to you that I am not live, I'll be reading to you the date, the
official date, all
right Vic?
The date of the calendar is Wednesday, September 25th.
Welcome to the future.
That's today's date.
Yeah, no you're live.
Oh I'm live.
You're here, you're, you're, this is Thursday for you, okay, and I'm back in
Wednesday.
Right Doug?
You're following this?
Good horning!
He doesn't listen to me.
You're so cray cray.
You don't listen to me.
Let's see, and of course Vic Berger.
Hello everybody!
That's it?
Yeah, well I remember the hello everybody, that used to be my old thing, but no
I'm doing
hello everybody.
But then you took the sit.
I'm combining the two.
Okay.
Just having a little fun guys.
Just shut the fuck up.
Um, let's see how good this technology is, because this is incredible, I feel
like we're bending
space and time here a little bit, this technology that I'm doing this on a
Wednesday and you guys
are live.
What do you got, you got some kind of slap back?
We're getting slap back.
Always got slap back.
What the hell is going on?
Who's live?
Who's got their YouTube?
Don't worry about it, it's over.
Let's move on.
Do it, don't worry about it.
Do it.
Well the thing is, I load it up, and then when it starts I can't, you can't
mute it before
it starts.
You gotta mute another thing.
Who's here?
But look, the little man wants to go to the parade.
Who's here?
Everybody's here.
No.
Brett Stevens is here.
Oh, we're here.
Brett Stevens is here.
Oh, come on.
We're here.
We almost have full Brett Stevens here, because we do have the New York Times
here.
Brett Stevens is here.
The New York Times is doing a huge profile on me, and therefore office hours
gets lumped
into the mix, and they're observing us, documenting us.
Brian over here.
I'm gonna just acknowledge that you're in the room.
Photographer.
I forgot your name.
Michael.
I never got your name at all.
Jason.
Tim, they took a lot of pictures of us.
Of Doug and I.
Yes, they did.
It was a lot.
Good thing you wear your M.A.S.H.
uniform today.
It's not even October, Vic.
Halloween's about more than a month away.
Oh, I celebrate Halloween every day of the year.
We got the Halloween decorations up already.
Can you believe that?
No, you don't.
What?
We convinced it, but the kids insisted that we put up the skeletons and the
witches
and the ghosts.
Johnny, if you came to our house, you'd be freaked out.
You'd be flipping out.
You'd be shivering.
Your bones would be trembling.
You'd see.
Matt, let's take a quick--
You'd see this.
Hmm?
You'd see this.
You'd see this.
This is what you'd see every day.
Spectre haunting us.
Haunting us.
They've just announced, Disney just announced, they're adding Charlie Rose to
their house.
Charlie Rose to the Haunted Mansion ride.
As you turn the left corner, he comes out and spooks you.
Brett Stevens is here.
Does he show up when you're in that car and you see him next to you?
Yeah, he's sitting on top of you.
You were goofing around.
I think you were going to ask for a Zoomer?
Is that what it was?
Yeah, I was going to ask for a Zoomer.
Quick plugs, a few quick, quick, quick, quick plugs.
We've got Slipping Away Tour.
All tickets are on sale now, folks.
We did that stupid presale and codes.
What are you, Kington from Decker?
You've got to know these codes.
Here's the code.
Oh, do I get anything?
Do I get like a discount?
Nah, it's just a code.
Just more crap you've got to deal with.
Well, now you go directly to the link and buy the ticket, and then you get the
ticket to the show.
And that's going to be the terrific, very good band, Neil Hamburger, DJ Doug Pound
in certain markets.
The pounding.
Brett Stevens is here.
You won't really believe this.
Then I have a plug.
Jalfa Sauer's merch plug.
Okay.
You see them on the screen there.
Support the show.
Oh, these were sold out.
So you didn't do a second one.
We're selling out certain sizes, so we're doing another pre-order.
Thanks for all the support.
Can I do a quick plug?
The first run we did was of eight shirts.
We did eight shirts.
And now we're thinking we're going to do 12 shirts and see if those sell.
Still trying to get those Phil Braun shirts off the site.
It's not working.
Let me do a plug real quick.
Tomorrow I'm in Denton, Texas at Policon, and next Friday I'm at Oberlin
College, but those tickets are open to the public.
The pounding.
Open to the public.
The pounding.
Let me do a plug real quick. Tomorrow I'm in Denton, Texas at Policon. And next
Friday I'm at Oberlin College. But those tickets are open to the public.
The pounding.
Open to the public.
The pounding.
Like you don't have to be a student.
Oh, you don't have to be a student.
I get it. I get it. Okay. We get that.
Oh.
So rude.
Unbelievable.
People think I'm rude, but it's you guys who are rude.
I'm doing my own drops on my own thing.
Oh, you did? You did that one?
Yeah.
Creative.
Nice.
That's it for the show. Thanks. And I'm so sorry to Piff the Magic Dragon. We
did not have time to get to you today. There's been so much to get to.
All right. We have time for one Zoomer. So let's get to the Zooms and then we'll
get out of here.
All right. Matt Civelli. First and last caller of the day. Go ahead.
Hey, guys. How's it going?
Great to be here.
Great to be here.
Great to be here.
Love y'all.
I have a poem for you guys that I wrote.
And I was just wondering if it's a quick one.
Don't worry. It won't take long.
It's not some kind of Milton epic poem.
Some kind of Dante crap.
No.
It's not as dark.
It's, you know, peace and love with everything.
But I need the help of Doug or Vic for the end of it with a drop if possible.
Yeah.
Glad to be here.
All right.
I don't know.
I don't know how to work.
Just because I say a drop doesn't mean that a minute, four minutes later, you
have to go track it down.
Well, it's because it's glad to be here.
And it's such great to be here.
And it wouldn't show up.
All right.
Continue, sir.
It's a thank you, Tim.
It's a thank you, Tim drop that I need.
And it'll be at the end.
Do you want Nancy Pelosi saying it?
Or who do you want to say it?
Is it Trump?
Thank you, Tim.
Thank you, Tim.
Yeah, that's Trump.
That's, thank you, Tim.
That's Alex Jones.
Yeah, the Trump one.
Thank you, Tim.
I have two.
Oh, okay, okay.
So which one do you want?
The Trump one?
Sure.
Great.
Thank you, Tim.
Okay, you guys ready?
Vic's on it.
Okay.
I guess I'll just pause and then you can do it at the end.
Sure.
Sounds good.
Anyway, here we go.
It's called Office Hours Live.
Good horning and what's it?
Office Hours Live is such a trip.
Doug and Vic's drops to the tops.
And Tim's wit is the shit.
Captain Carlin and the crew, Office Hours is nothing without you.
The guests, the music, Tim's impressions, the trump-hating sessions.
Make us all cheer, kill our fear, smile for a while, and laugh with a tear.
Let's not forget City of the Day and Doug's jingles.
Just thinking of it gives me the tingles.
Office Hours makes our world less grim.
What else can I say except?
Thank you, Tim.
Oh, beautiful.
That's the headline in the New York Times, the whole poem.
They're going to go with the whole poem as the headline.
It would be the longest headline of all time.
Yes.
Thank you, guys.
That was awesome.
Great poems, man.
I'd love to read more of your poems.
I got a bunch.
Are you published?
They're kind of teenage angsty, though, still, even though I'm 44.
I love it, man.
You keep working on your poems, okay?
Is that your job?
Are you a full-time professional poet?
No.
Are you the poet laureate?
I'm currently unemployed.
I guess I could be.
All right.
Thank you.
We love poems.
We love poets.
Thank you so much.
I love you, Daddy.
Peace now.
Poems.
All right.
Let's introduce our special guest.
This is exciting.
From...
Give me some Tonight Show bed.
Give me a Tonight Show bed.
Because we've got...
This is showbiz times 10.
This is showbiz on steroids.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Glendale, California,
direct from Las Vegas,
where he performs nightly at the...
Flamingo.
Flamingo Hotel and Casino.
It's...
Hef the Magic Dragon!
Hello.
It's me, Piff the Magic Dragon.
Welcome.
So good to be...
Glad to be here.
Yep, it is.
And you came in from Vegas this morning?
I...
Yeah.
And I brought everything with me on my own.
Usually, I have a whole crew of yes men
who just turn up and they organize all this...
None of this may work.
All right.
Well, let's put it to the test right now.
What do you have for us?
Give us...
We'll do the interview later.
I want to start hot and give me something hot.
Hard.
You want to start hot?
Hot and hard.
All right.
How about Mr. Piffles,
the world's only magic performing chihuahua,
stuns you with a miracle.
Okay.
Are you ready for this guy?
Come over here, Tim.
Me?
I'm coming over here.
I'm in the show.
I'm actually in the show.
Bring your tiny little cables.
And hold him.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
You got him?
This isn't Rosie, is it?
What?
This is not Doug's dog...
I mean, Vic's dog, Rosie.
Yes, yes.
One day, you don't bring Rosie.
He's shivering.
He's a chihuahua.
That comes with a territory.
I can't believe it.
I'm in the show.
Any one of these cars, Tim.
Any one.
Okay.
Easy.
Easy.
You can look at them face up.
It's fine.
Anyone.
Anyone you want.
Which one?
This one?
Nine of hearts.
That's a good choice.
Do you have a pen?
I don't know.
Hang on.
Where did that come from?
My pocket.
Tim?
You're going to bring your big letters all over the front.
My name?
Yeah, or anything, really.
Just make it nice and big so we can see it.
All right.
Are we seeing this, guys?
I'll show it to a camera.
Matt, is this working on camera?
I can show it to every single person who's with eyes, who's watching.
There you go.
That's the card.
All right.
Anywhere back in the deck.
Put the card back in the deck.
Anywhere back in the deck.
Anywhere.
Anywhere you want.
Back in the deck.
Just anywhere.
Could be any.
Literally.
Yeah, I don't mind.
What?
There?
All right.
One more time for everyone's seats.
Got it?
I see it.
All right.
I'm going to mix up the cards.
You pay attention.
Can you focus?
Okay, sorry.
I'm going to mix up the cards.
One card is going to come up to the top.
All right.
One card.
This is not your card, right?
No, no, no.
But watch.
The dong just hits with his magic paw.
What the hell is going on?
How about that?
Come on.
It's not bad for a tiny five-pound chihuahua.
Look what she does again.
Folks, I'm not in on this.
And that happened right before my eyes.
I don't understand what happened.
Why is he shaking?
I think maybe he is troubled by you.
But keep going.
Tim, you got to cup his cup underneath there.
Yeah.
Hold him like a baby or something.
The dog was shivering when he came in.
It's not me.
Okay.
Watch.
Your card.
Into the middle.
Slowly, slowly, slowly.
Okay.
Can you just touch it?
Can you touch it?
Take a look.
Take a look.
Come on.
What?
Are you seeing this, Tom?
This has got to be the front page of the New York Times.
Yeah, let's do that as the headline.
Tiny dog shakes in arms of strangers.
Man bends space and time.
Now watch.
We're going to put a bend in the card.
Okay?
So now you can see it.
This way, if it comes up, you'll see it come up.
Watch.
You ready?
No, he just touches it.
Yeah.
How did that?
That just popped up to the top.
I don't want to touch it.
What the?
Wait, what?
I have to confess something.
Yeah.
I came in earlier and I signed a to