Name: Tim Sits Down! (Episode 312)
Uploaded: 2024-10-04T06:21:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Sits Down! (Episode 312)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Sits Down! (Episode 312)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-04. Transcript available.

Tim Sits Down! (Episode 312)

I like having fun. I like to laugh. I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun. Yes, I like to laugh. I like having fun.
Good evening, everybody. Good evening. That's right. It is 5 o'clock p.m. and I
am P.M. Essen.
What? It's 5 p.m. I'm P.M. Essen. On the west coast here. I know it for a lot
of people living on the east coast. You're looking at 8 o'clock.
The world ain't on sunshine and red coast. No, who would it be time for? It
wouldn't be time for cheers. Wheel of Fortune.
No, Wheel of Fortune is 7, buddy. 7.30 actually. You got Jeopardy then Wheel of
Fortune.
Thursday night, 8 o'clock. No, it's got to be Cosby.
Oh, Seinfeld. The adult, the more highbrow shows, you're talking 9 o'clock. I'm
looking for 8 p.m. shows.
Nick at Night. Family Matters. Mork and Mindy. 8 o'clock, Mork and Mindy. Here
we are.
And we're happy to be here. I've got DJ Doug Pound here.
Good evening.
And Victor Berger. Ships the horn, mateys.
Captain. What are you trying to do? Trying to be Matt Carlin back there with
that hat?
There's a new captain in town, folks.
Where did you get? Because you were on an airplane.
That was a nice horn.
And did you get that from the pilot?
I just took it off his head and ran off at the end. But no, I mean, I just am
excited about flying.
Did you get it at the airport?
No, I didn't. I got it at a fancy store for $40 today.
Fancy store.
Well, I'm in a slightly different position.
Per my doctor's instructions, I talked to my doctor. I said, I got to do office
hours.
I got to do it. He goes, well, tell me a little bit about it. Because he had
never heard of it.
You know who he likes is Dave Chappelle, his doctor.
Oh, my God.
I was like, well, good thing I'm not going in for having my balls cut off.
But I almost did get my balls cut off.
One little miss and that could happen.
But he said, what's the deal? This is a normal podcast, so I should be fine
because you would be seated.
Why would you be standing?
I go, hold the phone, Doc. You don't understand this podcast. It's a special
podcast where I stand.
I don't get it. I mean, I really don't get what the world is going on.
I said, no, no, no.
I stand at attention.
I ripped open my wounds.
I'm bleeding out, Matt.
Shit.
This is a mess.
Is there a doctor in the house?
I'm bleeding out.
You have a doctor in there, Wes? You got any forceps?
Now, it pays to pay.
It pays to play.
It pays to pay because patrons knew this was coming down the pike.
I told you not to do that.
I was straight forward with them on the weekend during my Saturday blog.
I wrote openly and honestly about my medical struggles, but if you're just one
of these casual
listeners who come on here and comment dumb shit, go stick your head in the
toilet.
God bless you.
I wish some of these people would stick their head in the toilet, these commenters.
I'm going to speak about them in a minute.
You're a crumb creep.
You might enjoy it.
They're shitheads.
They're shitheads.
Yeah.
Happy New Year to you, Matt.
Rosh Hashanah Tovah, my friend.
Rosh Hashanah Tovah and Yom Kippur.
And Yom Kippur.
Not Yom Kippur yet.
What's at Rosh Hashanah?
It's Rosh Hashanah the New Year.
How about you get on NSYNC with us?
January 1st is the best.
We have New Year's Eve, and then we have New Year's Day.
New Year's Eve, you toast with Ryan Seacrest and Jake Tapper.
Tim, let's take Matt down.
It's 5784 right now.
Let's take Matt to our church, and he can meet our priest.
I mean, he's a great guy.
I'll convert if you guys want me to.
Yeah, I think we have to talk about that, Matt.
I'll get a Russell Brand-style Christian.
What do you have against Russell Brand, that you're not going to accept the
word of Christ?
If I can be baptized as fast as he was, I'm in.
Good on Russell Brand for memorizing the Our Father so quickly.
I'm sure he had to do it all the time with all his terrible movies.
Amen, amen.
He probably had to do it a lot in the confessional booth with all those sins.
Oh, boy, I'd love to see how worn in his rosary beads are already.
He's probably just rounded, rounded like river stones.
Is Russell Brand back there with this whip going like,
Oh, Lord, Father, forgive me.
I've been a little bad boy.
Oh, dear.
I don't even want to tell you all about it.
I've been, I've taken my little wiggly diggly and put it all over the place,
yeah?
Man, that guy can really come up with words quickly.
Are you plugged in there, Matt?
That was in the room, not in the ear.
Hey, by the way, by the way, I'm warning you with peace and love.
Check your sound.
Yeah, that's the third time this is happening.
No, it was one, it was one sound.
Listen up.
But what I'm telling you is two things.
Is it coming in now?
Jesus Christ.
There it is.
Jesus Christ.
There was one whip sound.
I've been baptized.
Jesus Christ.
Don't play that because let me tell you something.
Uh-oh.
We're in, we're, we're in trouble.
No, it's true.
What, this article?
Whitsack is on our asses.
What's it called?
SeaTac?
SeaTac.
SeaTac.
They're the competitor to ASCAP.
Anti-Devo.
I gotta fix something.
I thought it was BMI and ASCAP.
Now we got a new one?
So listen, folks.
People don't know what we're talking about.
We're talking about the European Music Publishing Company, which is probably a
good company.
They're probably protecting their, our rights.
They're both international.
Huh?
They're both international.
Thank you.
But the point is, they could not come to an agreement with this YouTube.
And now, all their deals are thrown out.
And now if we dare play Whip It or, you know, boy, do I want to play some Garth
Brooks music.
Boy, do I want to play some Rolling Stones.
All that shit is getting blocked.
So you guys have to be on your best behavior.
And don't play a bunch of shit.
Because then Matt's got to go in there and edit it out.
It's a big pain in the ass.
We did get the rights to a lot of circus music is a good name.
We did?
Don't worry.
I'm clown, calliope stuff.
I hate to bring us back, but this was the Russell Brand photo we really needed
to see.
Have you seen this one?
Wow.
The dog.
Is that him on the right?
Yeah, he's on the right.
Wow.
Why don't they just put swim trunks on?
Why do they got to be in their whitey tights?
Or just get naked.
Who cares?
And the guy being baptized is wearing a full wetsuit?
You go get naked and get your pictures taken.
Well, I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing any of it.
I like how there's a cat watching you.
Yeah, exactly.
It's a dog.
It's a dog.
It could be a cat.
It could be the Felix the...
That's a very cat-looking dog.
And the pages in that Bible are going to be soaked in a minute.
You know what I mean?
Here's how you can see it's the dog.
Who's the guy on the left?
A UFC fighter?
Looks like Joe in the middle.
Joe Rogan in the middle.
That's Rogan.
The pages on Russell's Bible are sticking together like an old Playboy.
You think he's jacking off to the Bible?
All these guys do that.
Anyway, I don't want to talk about that guy.
I'm going to come on you like nobody's ever come on you before, just you or not.
Well, there's lots going on right now.
We have no guests, by the way.
Let me get the business out of the way, right, Matt?
Yeah.
A couple of things to talk about business-wise.
Let's see here.
We have...
We're raising money for our friends down in North Carolina.
I'm Johnny Cash.
Hello, I'm Johnny Cash.
Yes, because this has been terrible for Asheville and Western...
Have you heard from Duncan Trussell?
He lives in Austin, I think.
Of course.
He had to go down to Austin to kiss the ring.
I thought he was in Asheville.
He was there for a while.
Joe Rogan said, no, no, no, you come down here.
He's like, yes, sir, okay, I'll do whatever you want.
God bless him.
I hope he's happy.
In Austin, where it's 125 degrees half the year.
Bats everywhere.
Imagine dealing with all those bats.
Last time I was there, I visited Duncan.
He's got a nice place.
He's got a beautiful family.
Dusty, though, in Austin, right?
Real dusty.
Everybody's got to go down to Austin.
Kiss the ring.
Otherwise, what are you going to do?
Imagine being a baby.
But no, we're raising money for our friends and family out there in Asheville
and Western North Carolina.
I've got a song I put out today called Pumpkin Man, which I wrote with my son,
Charlie.
Recorded that before the surgery.
Finished it, thanks to my friend Eric Slick down in Nashville, who did some
drums on it.
That's on my band camp now.
With the proceeds.
Proceeds go to support in Nashville.
Not Nashville.
Asheville.
But now Office Hours is going to do a little giveaway.
Now, this, Matt, you want to explain the giveaway so I can catch my breath?
Yeah, this is big.
So all you got to do, donate wherever you want to an Asheville cause or, you
know, any Helene hurricane causes.
We have a link in the description there.
Don't donate it to, like, that Mark Robinson running for governor.
No.
That doesn't count.
It's got to be relief.
Hurricane relief.
And you could win a huge Office Hours prize packs.
It includes this McKellar Davis tote.
It's a beautiful tote.
I'm kind of sad to give that away.
It's got Bunny, vinyl.
That's big.
MJ Lenderman.
That's a big one right there.
That's a big one right there.
That's a hit record.
Hit record.
None of these are signed.
Delicate Steve.
I'll sign them if you like.
We got a Tim and Eric DVD.
This is a...
Vintage.
That's going...
You should have led with that.
But maybe you close with it.
I don't know what you do.
And some other great stuff.
Did you mention my book?
I wasn't paying attention.
Oh, yeah.
There's a great...
Vic wrote a book.
You should sign it.
I'll sign that.
I'll probably throw stuff in there from my shelf back there.
Anyways, you just basically donate to a good cause.
There's a couple we should give away, the names of these places.
But it'll be in the description or something.
You'll see.
It's on my band cam.
Send the receipt to where?
Office Hours.
Office Hours live at gmail.com.
There you go.
I want money.
Yeah.
And we'll take all that money and take a little bit off the top like Tim Kool
would do.
Yeah.
Somebody like that.
Some grifters out there would do.
Take our fair share for the hard work of putting that together.
That's just a handling fee.
No.
But we do want to help.
I mean, we have our friends Wednesday and MJ Lenderman.
I talked to Jake on text and he's in the thick of it.
His family and his band.
They have this other band I met down there in Nashville, the Dead Tongues.
Is that what they're called?
They're struggling.
They have to go back.
They're picking up supplies.
It's a mess.
It's terrible.
Anyways, what else do I have?
Oh, and our friend Matt Christman from Chapo Trap House.
Daddy.
Also recovering from illness.
Terrible illness.
Yeah, about a year ago.
About a year ago.
But here, and they just, him and his, it was a, everyone knows about this.
It was a terrible, scary situation.
He had just had a, or his wife was just about to have a baby.
It was like a week before a brand new baby.
And he suffered a very, very serious medical condition.
And, but they were working on this book, or he was working on a podcast about
the Spanish
Civil War.
And so what they're doing is they're taking it and they're putting it out as a
book
to help, to help Matt.
And, and to, to put out a good book.
Why not put out a good book?
Like Vic's Beach Boys book.
Just read my book.
You got a printing.
It's called, it's called, it's a lot of the same letters in it.
No Pasaran, Matt Christman's Spanish Civil War.
Get it at Chapo Trap House dot store.
Nice.
Orders are open for one month only.
If you order it, Vic will read the whole book.
Can I ask Chapo a question?
Why?
It's digital.
Just open it forever.
Well, they're printing it, a real book.
Thank you.
They sent you a PDF and me a PDF because we're VIPs.
Oh, I see.
I thought it was just an e-book.
No, it's an actual physical book.
Print it up.
Good.
Good.
If you're going to watch porn.
Get into it.
Now, should I, let's get after it.
Let's take a Zoomer and