Name: Walter Masterson, Mikey Kampmann (Ep 317)
Uploaded: 2024-11-07T21:32:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Walter Masterson, Mikey Kampmann (Ep 317)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Walter Masterson, Mikey Kampmann (Ep 317)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-07. Transcript available.

Walter Masterson, Mikey Kampmann (Ep 317)

Hello, everybody.
I like having fun.
I like to laugh.
I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun.
Oh, my God.
Yes, I like to laugh.
I like having fun to meet you.
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
It's Tim Heidecker here with a little, I'll get right out in front of this, a
little.
You might have heard it the other night, Tuesday night, a little congestion.
I'll be honest with you.
Tremendous amount of congestion.
But health-wise, energy-wise, perfectly fine.
No fever or anything like that.
Energy's great.
Just snot in the nasal canal, ear canals.
But no infections.
Not tested for COVID.
So I have no clue if I either had COVID, have COVID, will.
I could be contagious.
We don't know.
But it doesn't matter.
We're back on Tuesday, on Wednesday.
Thursday, it is.
Thursday, it is.
For Office Hours Live here in Glendale, California, where it is Thursday,
November 7th.
The weather is crisp.
Luckily, the winds have calmed down.
Calmed down.
Yesterday, it was tremendously windy.
An angry wind.
An angry wind coming through the canyon up here.
We're happy to be here.
And I've got, of course, behind me.
By the way, I'm back to the microphone.
Because on Thursday, I can't get these days right.
Tuesday.
The other night, I was talking about how all numbers sound the same.
If you remember that.
Now, it's also true about days.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
This show just can't be about talking about numbers.
And, no, but Tuesday night, it was fun to be on mic because now I could do
stuff like this.
And I could rise above the waves of drops and callers.
So, it feels good.
I realized what I was missing.
The convenience of the lav was nice.
It wasn't even that convenient because I was very tied in.
I couldn't go anywhere.
So, we're going to go back to this style for now.
There's also talk of me going back to the seated position.
We're not really there yet.
There might be a world going into the future, looking into the future, where we
do a Maher,
a Leno scenario, where I start here with you and then retire to the chair for
this after 20 minutes.
I look in this way because I do have a guest in the studio.
We'll be introducing him in a moment after I introduce the great DJ Doug Pound.
Good morning, of course.
And over my left shoulder, yet to lay with a woman or a man.
I don't know how to tell my kids that.
Victor the Virgin Burger.
What's up, everybody?
Oh, I like coffee and I like tea.
Which is it this morning, coffee or tea?
I got both.
Copy that.
In one cup.
Coffee that.
Now, you think, is that a drink that people are making, a coffee-tea mix?
I don't hear about that.
Let's start it.
Yeah, why don't they make that?
Key.
People are loving the introduction of a new state from Tuesday night.
I introduced two new states.
Dunkey.
And what was the other one?
Minor.
No, Junior.
I'd like to see a new map.
So all my artists out there make me a new map.
Junior.
Was that what it was, Doug?
It was Junior.
That's up in the North.
That's up in New England.
And Dunkey is between Virginia and North Carolina.
A very thin strip.
No, not Donkey.
Oh, oh.
Dunkey.
Anyways, my guest in the studio, it's been a while since we've had him around,
but he's
definitely an old, an old man.
No, he's an old, an OG, as my daughter would say, to the podcast and to Friendship
itself.
Mikey Campman is here.
Representing the 215.
Westside.
No, I'm talking about the 215 area code with that t-shirt on.
Oh, Philly.
Hell yeah.
610, baby.
Philly, Philly.
610, 215.
It's great to be back here.
You don't live in Philadelphia, but you...
In spirit, hardly, but yeah, for sure.
You and Doug made a new Two Wet Crew video, which we were going to be premiering
during the
halftime show today, during the break.
Is that correct, Doug?
That's correct.
It's starring Dave England, and he's going to zoom in later, too, I think, to
discuss...
We'll discuss it after the...
What's next, Brad?
France?
Thank you.
Tim.
It's getting ridiculous.
Nice.
I said my energy was good.
It's a little shaky this morning.
I think I got abducted again last night.
Who have you been getting abducted by?
Fucking greys.
Aliens.
No.
Yeah.
Seriously.
The greys got you.
Yeah, I did.
This happened a couple weeks ago.
Quiet.
This happened a couple weeks ago.
They're laying in bed, dead asleep.
And then, next thing I know, I'm floating.
Floating up into the sky.
I'm like, what the hell?
Cut to me on an operating table.
Probes going in my nose.
And in my ass.
And this greys on top of me.
Going to town on my ass.
And?
Next...
Then I wake up.
Like, I wake up.
I'm in my bed.
I'm like, what the hell was that blood on my sheets?
And that was a couple weeks ago.
I didn't tell anybody.
And wouldn't you know it, last night, same damn thing happened.
And this time, I feel like I should get out in front of it.
Talk to Neighborhood Watch about it.
Could be...
You're gonna get it next door.
Well, I'm looking, because I don't...
My neighbor has that ring cam.
So, I wrote him.
I said, can I get a copy of your ring cam from last night?
I want to see what the hell's going on.
I want to see that greys ring cam.
Smashing your hole.
No, but I'm sick of it.
I'm just sick of...
What's that?
Grey's fucking abducting me, ramming me all night.
I can't get...
I don't know.
Got a healthy sex life, it sounds like.
I don't know if it's...
I wouldn't qualify it as sex.
Tim, did you see that Tucker Carlson was mauled by a demon?
I did see that.
I was gonna bring that up in the last show.
I think there's a lot of paranormal stuff going on here.
Yeah, it could have been a demon.
I don't know.
It might have been a demon.
These guys look like the classic UFO pilots that you see with the big head and
the big black eyes.
They're scary, man.
I see them come in my room.
I go, here we go again.
As someone who's known you for a long time, I find it incredible for you to be
having these experiences and talking so openly about it.
I mean, this is the kind of shit you would have made fun of us for talking
about.
Well, I'm a believer now.
Like Mickey Dolenz would sing, I'm a believer.
I couldn't see her if I tried.
I couldn't see her if I tried.
What is it?
Vic?
Lyrics?
And I saw her face.
Whoops.
Saw her face.
What about?
We should do a parody there.
I'm a believer.
Unless then I saw their faces.
No doubt in my mind.
I'm abducted.
I've been probed.
I've been probed.
I believe it.
It's terrible what happened to me.
Then you could do like the last UFO to Romulus or where are they from in space?
Romulus.
Nebula.
Or Nibiru.
Now, if you've been molested by aliens like I have in the middle of the night,
call in today.
I've made out with aliens.
Copy.
A three-way kiss with aliens.
They have tongues?
Yeah.
Wow.
Hell yeah.
They don't have a genital though, right?
Just a big old mound.
Yeah.
Three mound.
It tucks away.
All right.
Let's go through the show.
Obviously, Mikey's here to provide mirth and entertainment.
We will talk about the election a little bit with Walter Masterson.
People might have seen his work on Tic Tac and Instagram.
He's one of these.
Huh?
Odd couple as well?
Not Walter Matthau.
I'd love to get his take on the election.
Get him back from heaven.
Wow.
Without getting into his voice.
Wow.
How would you?
Yeah, well, you're known for your impressions.
Oh, big time.
Yeah.
There you go, Vic.
Oh, I don't know about...
This is my Walter Matthau impression.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Shut up now.
Hey, quiet.
I'm doing it.
This is my Walter Matthau impression.
Okay.
Now I voted for Donald Trump.
Huh?
Because I'm aggrieved.
Something like that.
Netflix is calling right now about getting me a special.
Can you do that Matthau for us?
People are demanding more Matthau on Netflix.
That's for sure.
That's HBO.
Clown.
But Walter Matthau is...
Masterson.
Masterson is...
He's one of these guys that goes up to people with the microphone.
Everyone's got those little microphones that's like a...
Subway ticket?
Yeah, it's always like that.
Big black things.
Big black squares that are Bluetooth.
Everyone's wearing them now.
Everyone's walking around with them.
Oh, the clip-on.
Yeah.
Everyone just cookie-cutter shit.
You know what I'm saying?
Well, not this guy.
I mean, I wouldn't want to throw him under the bus.
Oh, sorry.
He's coming on the show?
Yeah, he's the best.
No, he's the...
He goes up and talks.
He's one of these guys.
It's not...
We'll get into it with him.
I thought he had a very good post after the election that I took to heart.
We could talk to him about that.
Felt, you know, what are you going to do?
By the way, Vic...
This is the...
The good news is, of course, I think...
Sorry, Doug.
Go ahead.
I'm just saying Vic and I are really holding back on the Trump drops, as you
notice.
The show's been on for...
Well, actually, it's been on for quite a bit.
12 minutes.
12 minutes, yeah.
I think we've only had like three or four.
Yeah.
Well, there is talk.
Do we pull back from that?
I want to get into all that later, but...
We're moving on.
The bright side is...
It was quick.
It was...
There's no question...
Uh-oh.
Someone's on.
Tim Apple.
I know what happened.
Calm down.
It's this damn universal audio.
You're a crumb creep.
Fire!
Welcome to the future.
Love that shit is a buffer.
Hello.
Because you had a bad day.
You're taking one down.
You sing a sad song just to turn it around.
Ignore the call.
Ignore the call.
I just have to quit Zoom because the audio on my main computer here is so diseased.
I have this beautiful, very expensive universal audio interface, and it
randomly disconnects.
Imagine if I'm in here recording with Jim Keltner getting drum tracks for a new
album, and suddenly
it just disconnects.
Imagine that situation.
Computers!
I lost my train of thought, but the good news was it was quick, it was decisive,
it was
unanimous, basically.
Not unanimous, of course, but it was like, all right, well, this is where we
live.
This is the country we are a part of.
Snapshot.
It's a snapshot of the mood of the country.
Certainly lots of discussion out there about why that is, why that...
Go ahead, Mike.
Well, and then two wildfires started in California yesterday as a sort of, like,
cosmic response.
I don't think that's...
I think they...
I mean, it's related.
I don't believe that.
Yeah.
Well, this is someone who's getting probed by aliens at night.
I think it's all related.
I don't think so.
I mean, I was kidding about that, by the way, about the aliens and the probes.
I was doing a bit, a routine.
But I do like the way my...
I should always have a cold.
Doesn't my voice sound quite luxurious today, or is it annoying?
Sounds good to me.
I mean, I like hearing it.
You like a little bit of this.
Shows you're like a real person.
Velvet.
Let's take a call, Matt.
I can't see the Zooms.
Yeah, we got...
Sam has a topic, and let's hear what we have today.
Condolences to Sam Cedar, by the way.
His mother passed away on top of everything else and was speaking with him.
We called into their live show on Tuesday and had tremendous audio issues,
technical issues.
Shut up!
Not this guy.
I don't want to talk to this guy.
Why'd you bring this guy in?
He was just on Tuesday.
Was he?
Yeah.
He has no shirt.
There he is.
Anyways, Sam and I had a nice laugh about that.
He thought that it was intentional.
I was not, but it worked out anyway.
It was very funny.
Huh?
My knobs are a bit antiquated.
Let's hear what he's got to say.
He's here.
Sucky, sucky.
Lovey, lovey.
Mommy, mommy.
Oh, this is Sam.
I didn't recognize him with a shirt.
Yes, we can hear you.
Move to your left a little.
You're like...
Yeah, there you go.
Center yourself.
You want me to take the shirt off?
Huh?
No, we don't.
Can you soundproof your room a little?
Huh?
What is it that you need to say now that you've already...
You know, I just spoke to you two days ago.
Huh?
You're like my mom.
I only need to speak to you like every two weeks, okay?
I don't know.
Thanks for picking up mommy last night.
I had a really good time.
I was wondering, you know, my wi