Name: Eric Wareheim, Madi Diaz (Ep 318)
Uploaded: 2024-11-14T22:29:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eric Wareheim, Madi Diaz (Ep 318)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eric Wareheim, Madi Diaz (Ep 318)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-14. Transcript available.

Eric Wareheim, Madi Diaz (Ep 318)

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I like having fun.
I like to laugh.
I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun.
Yes, I like to laugh.
I like having fun.
Good morning, everybody.
It's Tim Heidecker here joining you on Thursday, November.
14th, 10 a.m. on the Pacific Coast.
It is a little brisk out there, but quite sunny.
It's going to be a warm day.
We just know it will be.
I'm happy to be back again here on Thursday.
We are a couple weeks away from Turkey Day, and then we're into the holidays,
so we're all happy about that.
I do have a zit in the inside of my nose.
Guys, you ever get one of those?
I have one right now, too.
You do not.
I swear to God, I do.
It hurts?
Does it hurt?
Yeah, it hurts like hell.
I got to get it out.
It keeps coming back.
You got to pinch on this weird angle.
I know.
I've been doing it all morning, all night.
I wake up.
It really woke me up last night.
I thought it was my nose hairs or some shit.
I've been plucking all my fucking nose hairs out.
It must be a venereal disease.
It is.
It is.
You had your nose up my ass just a couple nights ago,
but we got a lot going on on the show today.
We've got, we're going to be acknowledging the,
I keep saying 30th, but it's truly the 20th anniversary
of my first television show, and we'll do a full count.
Let me just see, because I got a late-breaking message here.
Is that the first time you're on TV, Tim?
It's a maybe.
What's this?
Oh, I see, I see.
Yeah, I just replied.
Matt, take over if I need to, if there's any more information I need to provide.
First time I was on TV?
Yeah, what was the first time you saw yourself on TV?
Well, I do have to think about the time when I was just a boy,
when I appeared in a commercial for my father,
my family's Ford dealership, kicking the tires.
That's cool.
Family affair.
So technically, no.
Anyway, let's be, what else we got?
We're going to acknowledge that.
Do we have that commercial?
Can we find that?
I had it on some, I did grab it at some point.
I feel like your mom sent it like years ago.
My mom would not have sent it.
Speaking of my mom, I got some info on her.
Go home to mommy.
That's some dirt.
Yeah, she texted me all excited.
Well, let me, let me, let me just.
Yeah, we're getting ahead of everything here.
Let me say what we have planned for today.
We've got Grammy-nominated Matty Diaz coming in to play a tune and talk.
Matty's a tremendous talent.
It's you.
And someone I've become friendly with.
We have some stories to tell about, we were both at Americana Fest in Nashville
just a couple
of weeks ago, maybe a month now.
Doug's got a game planned for us, but I feel it's a rude thing for me to do to
even bring
up his name without introducing him.
So let me introduce the great DJ, Doug Pound, one of the pioneers of comedy.
Good.
Horning.
Ah, the Middle Eastern tones in there.
And then, of course, you don't get this fellow without DJ.
Sort of the, what do you call that?
The protege.
I don't know.
I think there's a lineage there.
And I think since we are going to be talking about the past and legacies and
anniversaries,
we do acknowledge that, that there is great.
And Vic is the first to admit it.
And I just like to look forward.
That's what I like to do.
Right.
But you must acknowledge your influences.
Of course.
And it couldn't be clearer than it's coming from DJ, Doug Pound.
And I'll do one of these.
Doug is so resentful.
I know.
What sip, everybody?
Whenever, okay.
Should I keep going down this stupid tangent?
Yeah, keep going.
It's not fun.
And it's totally fictitious.
It's not fun.
The sour grapes that Doug has towards Vic, people talk about me and Vic always
coming close
to blows.
But the truth is, off camera, the resentment in sour grapes.
I don't think you know what sour grapes means.
People like sour grapes sometimes.
They make good wine.
They make great wine.
Check with Eric if he's around.
The best wine comes from sour grapes.
Bye-bye.
And the always unpleasant and unhappy Captain Carlin is here.
Fuck you very much.
Stand in the bed!
No, my mom, I'll get this out of the way.
My mom very excitedly told us that she said, going to see Kelly and Mark this
morning with
my friend.
Is that Regis?
The old Regis?
Rip us that?
I didn't realize I had to look, I had to clarify some more from her.
It's Kelly Ripa and I guess her husband who they have a talk show.
That's really funny.
9 a.m.
On every morning.
And so my mom's out near Palm Springs.
So they were live from Palm Springs on this golf course.
And she had a great time.
The husband's a hunk.
But it was funny.
We all happened to be home.
I think the kids, it was a veterans day.
So the kids were off and my mom wrote and said, we're on this, you know, they
taped it the
day before and they're like, we're on, we're on live, you know, and you might
see us.
So we turned it on to see if we could see my mom in the big, huge audience.
I should send you the clip, Matt.
I forgot to send it to you.
But my daughter, Millie and Charlie, they're kind of watching it and they
couldn't believe
that this was a TV show.
It was so boring.
They had some actress from Abbott Elementary on talking about the show and they're
like,
what the hell is this?
Who are these people?
Why does anyone give a shit?
It was weird to see like, have you ever watched those shows lately?
It's really like an alternate universe going on there.
She better not have.
Anyway.
Plank.
I also want to mention, I had mentioned this abduction that happened over the
week, or last
week.
Oh.
Possibly from an extraterrestrial source or interdimensional.
That's, I've been doing some research and it appears, it could be interdimensional.
It doesn't have to be from a different planet.
It could be a different dimension.
We don't know.
Don't have the data on that.
But, so I was abducted pretty clearly.
I think talking to some experts, it seems like that was, I was physically
removed from my
residence, taken to some kind of unit.
Any side effects?
Well, can I tell the story or not?
I'm teeing you up.
Now you're getting to see behind the curtain how the sausage is made.
No.
Well, the truth is I had, this weekend I had these terrible stomach pains.
That was what they were playing, but look what happened.
I got, this came out of my body this weekend.
I don't know if I can exactly get into the details.
I don't want to tell, I don't want to gross anybody out.
I don't want to say where, what part of my body this came out of.
But this is a very strict, and it smells really bad.
Did you smell this?
Did I make you smell this?
I don't know if I want to smell it.
I'm going to warn you, it smells really bad.
I just, I don't want to get right under it.
Holy shit.
It's like, really.
What do you mean it came out of your body?
It doesn't smell human-like.
Did the aliens give you that jar of.
No, I got the jar.
Smell sex and gas.
It smells good.
All right, pull it out.
Look at that.
Get it out of there.
It came right out of my, should I tell you what part of the body it came out of?
How did you bottle that up?
Because I think you're going to be grossed out if I tell you.
I'm going to get this back in.
I got to ask, how?
Oh, God, it's like, smell that.
No.
Ugh.
So, when did it come out?
And is it involved?
I told you, it came out this weekend.
So, how do you know it's alien-related?
How do I know it's alien?
I don't know.
I'm not saying.
You're just saying you were abducted, and then the next thing you know, that
came out.
That's correct.
That's all I know.
I'm just telling you the facts.
Whatever this is, I don't think it's from Earth.
You know what I mean?
Like, look at this.
Look at the structure.
Oh, my God.
You must have had to pull that thing out of you, though.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
I don't know what that is.
Oh, stink.
Wash your hands.
And it really smells on my hands like it leaves residue.
It smells, it smells.
Stinks.
It smells, you can smell the room, right, Matt?
Stinks.
Not good.
It smells like a dead animal.
Let me smell it again.
Ow!
That's awful.
You should stop smelling.
No, I'm good.
Put the lid on it.
Burn it out.
No!
Throw it out.
Burn it.
Light it up and get it out of here.
So this came out, and we should put this under a microscope and see if there's
what we could
determine what it's made out of.
It's alien DNA.
In fact, if anybody wants to do this, Wes, can you zoom in on the bottle here?
And then people can maybe analyze it at home.
Did it come out of the same hole that they went in?
Did that happen?
No, because they went in through my nose.
Oh.
Weird.
Which explains the zit.
But can you zoom in on that?
Maybe I didn't affect it, too.
That camera cannot.
Oh, it came out your nose.
Here, you want to put it in this one?
There you go.
That doesn't look like it should have come out of my body, right?
There you go.
All right.
So people can go in there and maybe analyze that.
I'd love to know what this is.
It stinks.
It really does stink.
Anybody have any thoughts on that?
I'm proud to say I stink.
I'm proud to say I'm proud to say I don't take showers.
I'm proud to say I don't do the war.
Do you have that clip of that Pete Hegsworth?
Hegsworth?
The guy that they nominated for Secretary of Defense.
He said that he doesn't wash his hands.
I heard that clip yesterday, yeah.
That went great.
Let's talk to somebody on Zoom, huh?
Huh?
Yeah, who's got a topic out there?
Any of you Zoom people?
No one's raising their hands.
No one's stunned about the substance that came out of my body.
Brandon Nicholson, can you speak or are you infirm?
Can you speak?
Looks like he's on the...
Tim, do you feel better now that that came out of your nose?
I feel relieved that it's out of my body.
It didn't come out of my nose, Doug.
Looks like he's on an IV.
Look at that.
You all right, Brandon?
I'm going to make it.
What happened, man?
You all right?
I'm fine.
What?
What's going on?
No, I'm fine.
I'm just chilling.
All right, cool.
I've been doing that a lot lately, chilling in bed, watching stuff on my laptop.
Yeah, me too.
I've got a...
I do have a broken back, but I'm okay.
What?
Jesus.
How'd you break your back?
I'm one of your local, one of your mailmen guys.
I've just been working too much.
You broke your back delivering the mail?
I guess, lifting packages from Amazon.
Oh, my God.
I don't...
Jesus.
Is it truly broken?
No, it's just a little fracture on my L5 process.
Oh, my God.
You're just amused as hell, aren't you?
Oh, yeah.
Boy, you got your router in a pretty prominent place, don't you?
Yeah.
Look at that, Vic.
That's a strong Wi-Fi signal.
That's aesthetically unpleasing, don't you?
It is.
I know.
Where do you see that as you enter your house?
Look at that, Matt.
That is a mess.
I thought it was an IV.
I don't know.
It's just a weird little...
It's like an old telephone copy.
We got to put it where the plugs are.
I know.
It's hard.
I still...
I looked in my living room the other night, and there's just a hornet's nest of
plugs and
stuff, like fairly prominent.
Like, we've been there 11 years now, and it just...
It looks like a college kid lives in our living room.
That's what I'm trying to fix right now in my downtime, is just making my house
look like
an adult lives there.
They really did such a good job when they designed all these things with the
routers and everything.
There's so...
No one thought about, like, making them look cool.
No.
Yeah.
Or, like, forget cool, like, not look like anything, or just...
You know how they have those cell towers now that look like trees?
Yeah.
They could do that with routers in your house, make it look like a cat.
And why does everything have to...
Why do these routers have to have, like, nine different LED lights going at
different rates?
Like, those lights?
And you can't tell what the hell they mean.
I have so many little pieces of black tape over so many things in my house to
cover these
lights that don't mean anything.
Then you got to reset it, and you got to go find a paperclip.
Oh, yeah.
That's the stupidest thing.
Where's my paperclip d