Name: Non-Emergency Broadcast (Ep 323)
Uploaded: 2025-01-11T03:47:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Non-Emergency Broadcast (Ep 323)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Non-Emergency Broadcast (Ep 323)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-11. Transcript available.

Non-Emergency Broadcast (Ep 323)

I like having fun. I like to laugh. I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun. Yes, I like to laugh. I like having fun to meet people who
laugh.
Good evening, everybody!
From Cathedral City, California, I'm coming to you live from a hotel to a hotel
room.
I'm joined by Matt Carlin, also in a hotel, Captain Carlin.
But I bring you up first. Why? Because you're closest to me in proximity.
But we do have the whole trinity here. DJ Doug Pound coming in from where, DJ?
Good horning.
California.
I am marked safe.
Should I go full under interrogation?
So are you the interrogator or the being interrogated?
I'm interrogating. No, I'm being interrogated for the fires.
That's a lot.
Or should I turn it off? Let me give you an A, B here, and then I'll get to Vic.
I think on, but face the other way. On, but it's on, but away.
It's a spill.
There, there. Like, yes.
There it is.
I think that's called spill. Look at that spill.
Anyway, then Vic Berger, the fourth here, coming in from downtown.
Let's go down.
Let's go down.
Oh my God.
And now let's go down.
I wrote the greatest song today, Vic.
Oh yeah?
Listen to this song. You're going to love it. I just started singing it today.
Let's see if this works.
Downtown parking, downtown parking, downtown parking, downtown parking,
downtown parking, downtown parking.
Right? Can you hear that?
Yeah, yeah.
That's a hit.
That's a groove.
Downtown parking, downtown parking, downtown parking, downtown parking,
downtown parking.
I like it.
When I go downtown, I like to park, downtown parking, right?
I don't know.
What?
Were you parking at the time? Were you going downtown?
Are you kidding? Were we parking or not? We were parking in Palm Springs,
downtown parking.
Free parking.
Did you see the Maryland, the big Maryland statue where her skirt's blown up
and everything? See that thing?
No, I'm not. My wife doesn't let me see that. She makes me cross the other side
of the street.
Close your eyes.
Did you ever see there's like an old 1930s grocery store museum?
No.
Right on the main strip there.
You go in there, you see like where all the old, you know, tins of flour and
brill cream and crap and all that stuff.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
The dads were very interested in the 1930s general store. The kids, not so much.
No.
Right.
We're going to do our show today as much as best we can. We were so excited
last week to jump back in and after a very long, boring time off, it was very
exciting to meet on Tuesday to go through our plan and then come back on
Thursday.
But shit happens. Shit happens, folks. There's nothing we can do. We tried. We
were, it just, well, we'll go through it. How do we, how do we do the show,
Matt? We should say hi to somebody, anybody, just to make sure we're
broadcasting out there. Then I'll give you my whole saga.
What do you have for me?
Yeah, let's talk to Stenson. Stenson, you gloved up? You ready?
I'm gloved up, guys.
Stenson, where are you calling from?
I'm calling from Knoxville, Tennessee.
Hell yeah.
This is your old, this is your old boy from the jewelry television. I'm out
here scraping the snow off of the satellite dishes. Got to get those signals
out, baby.
Oh, man.
From the what television?
From home shopping.
Oh, right. Okay.
Oh, my God.
The home shopping guy, yeah.
Didn't you put those in the dishwasher?
Yeah, we tried, but they're too dang big.
I want to say my heart goes out to all you guys out there.
I really, I mean, yeah, that's, I got some of these friends out there.
Okay, fine.
Let's shut you up.
I want to see the scraping.
Wait, come back.
Let's see the scraping.
Let's see the scraping.
Tennessee turd. Who is that? Tennessee turd. What the fuck, man?
I thought you were a direct, I thought you were a director down there.
Dude, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a. Don't talk so we can see him scrape.
Wait, Tennessee boy talked.
Yeah, I'm here. I'm here.
I'm scraping. I'm scraping, baby.
I'm scraping.
I'm scraping, baby.
You seem to be doing too much, though.
It's not doing anything, bro.
Oh, well, it's going to be better.
I can't really tell what's going on.
They're white. The dishes are white.
The satellite dishes, they're white.
And snow, you know, doesn't really show up too well.
All right.
Well, Stenson, thank you for your kind words.
Yeah, I love you guys.
All right.
Yeah, see you later.
It looked good on YouTube.
We can see it clearly.
It's pretty crazy.
Like, it's snowing in Nashville, right?
Yeah, it's insane.
Yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong.
Two to three inches of snow or five inches of snow isn't big of a deal.
But out here in Knoxville, I mean, we shut down, man.
It's insane.
I forgot to mention, Vic, you're looking terrific.
Yeah, Vic, you look great.
Thanks, guys.
It means a lot.
You made a big choice.
Can you talk about your choice?
Yeah, I've just been growing it over the holidays, and it's just coming in
really nicely here.
I've been growing my eyebrows out a little bit.
And I think I'm going to keep it.
What happens normally?
You shave your eyebrows?
You keep your eyebrows trim?
I normally do.
I do the whoopee.
I do the whoopee thing and pick it, and it goes.
But no, I just like, yeah, I just been, I dyed my eyebrows is what I did,
actually.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Well, let's see.
What happened first?
Let's go back.
Are you going to take them through your fire story?
Yeah.
Is that fair to do?
I think so.
There's some general interest there.
General interest.
I'll try to make it quick.
But, you know, it's fairly harrowing.
I was, let's see, Monday, Monday, the winds came, folks.
I know you've, this is sort of the prequel to the disaster.
But the winds came through, the saddest wind.
By the way, this might take a while because there are going to be some sidetracks
here.
Doug?
Guess what?
Doug and I both liked A Complete Unknown.
The Dillon movie was very good.
Wow.
Big thumbs up.
We were not expecting this.
We were, we were, I was taken by surprise.
Um, anyway, so the winds come in and, you know, you guys might be able to tell
from some of our pictures we take in the backyard and stuff.
There are, there are just big hundred year old oak trees all around my house,
on top of my house and growing under my house.
The roots go under my house.
The roots go under my house and, um, it's a lot of trees.
A hundred year old, they should run for president.
Easy.
Hey man, I told you, this year, by the way, big announcement, show's no longer
political.
We don't talk about politics.
It's enough.
There's enough shows out there sticking with, uh, sticking with politics.
Let's stick to Dillon and Beatles.
Yeah.
And so the winds start whipping and they've whipped before and we're kind of
used to it, but this was something else.
This was scary shit.
This was like very, uh, just whipping hard, hitting the sides of the house.
It was, they'd come in, big gusts would come in, trees would kind of go halfway
over.
And so we're kind of spooked the whole day.
And then I think that night there was a little bit of chatter online about a
fire on the west side.
And then there was a little chatter about, uh, Altadena.
Maybe there's something going like at night.
It felt like, Ooh, this is, this is not a good recipe for, uh, the next, for
that night.
It was looking kind of edgy.
Now at the same time, my old man, Rich Heidecker, Mr. Absolutely was flying in
with his girlfriend to visit me and the kids.
Monday night.
And so he's checking in with me and I said, well, listen, it's just very windy
here.
Just so you know, it's, it's going to be a very windy visit.
Um, and he calls me from, from, uh, Salt Lake city where they were changing and
where he says, yeah, we're on time.
I said, it's very windy out there.
I don't like the thought of this plane flying around in this wind, you know, uh,
it seems a little, little dangerous, but so the plane, it was so windy that
they had to divert from, to, to LAX.
He was supposed to land in Burbank, it's a whole other airport and all this
stuff.
He said it was the worst landing of a plane he's ever been on.
It was terrifying.
He gets in at like midnight to my house.
We wait up and, and let him in and say, geez, you know, look at the, this big
branch had come down and it was just leaves and debris all over the place.
And we're like, you know, just so you know, there's a fire starting up ahead
and we, we, we doubt there's going to be anything, but you might want to just
know that there's a potential chance of evacuation and all that stuff.
I pack a bag folks that has like three pairs of underwear, three pairs of socks,
three pairs of, uh, three pairs of t-shirts and, and that's it.
Like real lazy, like didn't pack a charger.
I didn't, I didn't, I just threw like very, like, we're not going to be leaving
kind of packing job.
Marilyn, my wife packed a lot more.
She packed old stuff, you know,
Get gift certificates, you know, a lot of gifts for tip, all the gift
certificates that we never redeemed are at a big Applebee's gift certificate.
Um, but that was it.
We said, all right, let's go to bed.
We go to bed.
Let's hope the winds die down five in the morning.
We get this like, we, we, we, we, we alert on the phone, evacuate now.
Evacuate now.
Yeah, it was that.
It was like shot out of bed.
We totally take that seriously.
We fucking get the kids up.
Kids were already like freaked out the night before.
Cause this sort of talk about it.
Like, Hey, just so you know, we have to pack a bag because there might be
something going on.
This is my son.
Charlie was like, does this mean we're not going to be able to live in our
house anymore?
You know, it was like that kind of shows.
Like, Ooh, this is kind of heavy.
Like, no, everything's going to be fine.
They just like to be very careful about these kinds of things.
So we get in, uh, the car very quickly, way too quickly because I, there's
nobody else in my neighborhood that was, it was out.
It was like pitch black, nobody out.
But, um, and I just did, I didn't bring a chart.
I didn't bring sunglasses.
I didn't bring a hat.
My usual cap was nowhere to be found.
It was just really poorly, poorly planned, but we go outside of our house and a
huge tree had come down right to the right.
We were able to get out, but our neighbors up, uh, the hill would be blocked.
Oh, um, yeah, which I don't care about them.
I mean, yeah, it's really most, it's all about me getting out as fast as I can.
Of course, no, but I didn't know we didn't, we couldn't move it and we couldn't
like, and there was, it was only like three or four houses up there.
Um, and I said, let's just get down the hill and then we can call, we can call
them and, you know, see if they're not, if they're home, maybe they, or, and
then we, worst case, we can call 911 and get a fire, you know, get somebody up
there.
So, and that's what happened.
Could they had gone like the opposite way around?
No, no, it was a dead end up there.
Yeah.
Dead end.
Um, but it was a major tree.
It's not like, I like, I don't know.
I was like, I don't have a chainsaw.
That's, that would have been the only, it would probably be like an hour of
work up there.
Anyways, they got out.
They, they got, the crew went up there and like took care of it very quickly.
Um, but we get down to the bottom of the hill, go to this parking lot and you
start seeing cars coming down and you're like, okay, this is actually, you know,
you're hoping like this is a drill.
This is not real, but it was very, it was real.
It was an actual evacuation order.
Um, and it wasn't like a warning, Tim.
So it was like, it was not a warning.
It said, leave now.
What are they, what do you do if you don't though?
What if people just stay?
What happens?
Well, that's, that happens all the time.
I think you're technically in violation of Matt.
Do you have an answer for that?
You need to know.
I believe you.
I don't, I think you can get fined, but you know, you see it all the time.
You see some guy with a hose spraying his roof.
And that's true.
It's not going to go doo