Name: Long Distance Laugh Fest (Ep 328)
Uploaded: 2025-02-13T20:26:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Long Distance Laugh Fest (Ep 328)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Long Distance Laugh Fest (Ep 328)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-13. Transcript available.

Long Distance Laugh Fest (Ep 328)

You look marvelous, boss.
I like having fun. I like to laugh.
I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun. Yes, I like to laugh.
I like having fun to meet people who laugh.
Good morning!
Tim Heidecker coming to you live from Asheville, North Carolina,
right here backstage at the Orange Peel Club.
You can find us here tonight, the very good band and DJ Doug Pound.
This is an exciting experience for you to be watching
if you're in Asheville, knowing how close I am.
In fact, I'm inviting you, if you're in Asheville,
come on down to the side of the stage this afternoon
if you want to pop in.
I will alert JP.
The code is...
CHUBBY CHUCKER.
Come on down.
If I get up, Steven, you're looking for Doug?
Sure, it's good.
That way.
Steven, you want to say hello to everybody?
If you don't get any haters showing up.
Steven, nice to meet you.
There he is.
A lot of people have been complimenting you, Steven,
on the wonderful service you provide.
Steven here is the merch manager.
I like what JP called you, the merch manager?
Merch manager.
Merch manager.
Steven Merchant.
customer associate.
If you're looking to purchase merchandise on the tour, you'll be speaking with
Steven.
Okay.
Mr. Personality.
Right through that door.
Hello.
I'm Johnny Cash.
We're going to introduce my co-host, Vic, soon.
But first, in the green room is DJ Doug Pound.
Only 25 feet away from me.
Come on in.
It's locked.
Yeah, you can go in.
Hold on.
It's locked?
Sorry about that.
No problem.
Come on in.
Thank you, Steven.
Great show.
Great show so far.
Good horning.
Perfect timing for my horning.
Vic can hit me with a horn.
I got no drops here.
Let me see what I got for you.
Thank you, Steven.
That work for you, Doug?
I couldn't hit that damn thing, but I trust it.
It's there.
So, Doug is backstage in the green room.
I'm out here in the main space backstage.
And Vic Berger, in a lot of ways, is in the studio.
I am here.
I'm soggy wet.
What's up, everybody?
What's going on?
Is there weather happening in Los Angeles?
It's really depressing.
Yeah, it's very rainy today.
And my glasses were all sick and wet when I walked in.
They were sick and wet.
I almost slipped on my ass coming in here.
Is there that big giant pond happening between the street?
Yeah, it's dangerous.
Very dangerous.
Big pond in the street.
Thank God we don't have any.
No, please don't tell me that.
The river just running through the studio.
We're bundled up, fighting the rain.
Is it cold?
No, it's actually warm.
Yeah, it's hot in here too, yeah.
It's very hot in here today.
Was the heat on last time or something?
I don't know.
Well, I'm so relieved this morning.
We woke up in Asheville and after a good solid, I'd say, three weeks of nothing
but cold, wind, rain, snow.
The sun is finally shining here.
Even yesterday in Durham, North Carolina, it was bitter cold in the '40s with
rain, Vic.
Rain, rain, rain.
And our drummer Josh said the night before, and I'll never forget it, because
the night before was in Washington, D.C., and it was snowing.
Snowing badly.
And he said, well, it looks like it was going to be rain in Durham tomorrow.
And he said, well, at least it's not snow.
But let me say something, Vic.
I'll tell you this.
I would have preferred snow to the rain.
Yeah.
I get that.
I totally get that.
You get that?
I feel you, bro.
Snow is dry.
Uh-huh.
Snow is dry.
It is.
But I was out finally.
The stressful part for me would be trying to find a bathroom in the snow or in
the rain.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm like, how is that going this year?
That's the first thing I would ever do when I wake up.
It happened this morning.
The worst one for me so far, and none of them have been terrible, but in
Washington, D.C., I was, we were parked behind the black cat.
Is it the black cat or the black hat?
I keep forgetting.
Wasn't it cat's cradle?
No.
Black cat.
Oh, legendary venue.
Yes.
And we were back, so I get up in the morning, and I have to go, and we're in
this alley, and this is a disgusting alley, ladies and gentlemen.
This is full of, there's like dead rats on the street.
Did you see the giant rats, Tim?
Why'd that, Doug, did that come in from you?
Did you, can you hear me?
Where'd that, yeah, where'd that flush come in from?
That was live.
That was a real turd from Doug.
That was not me.
Stop!
That's Doug shitting in the green room.
Who recorded that?
Who made that drop?
Why does that exist?
It's from the Farrelly Brothers Library.
No, so just let me finish this.
Can I just finish this, please?
Okay, but this was just going to be an aside in the middle of your story about
the snow and the rats.
Go ahead.
You don't hear about the rats.
Well, they had these big, beautiful rats in the alley behind the venue in DC,
and they're like cute.
They're hopping like bunnies through the snow.
Yeah, it's true.
They were cute.
There were like, well, this was at night when the snow had fallen, and there
was this, you know, it was now kind of beautiful in the back alley because it
was all white, snow laden.
And they're just like, I counted at least seven or eight rats scurrying between
like the backstage and where our bus was.
And yes, you could see them in stark relief against the beautiful snow laden
alleyway.
Chipper little guys.
One of them got on the bus.
I got them in my bunk.
No.
I didn't want to tell you.
I'm surprised they weren't holed up in Ellie's bunk with all her yarn and lol.
She's knitting.
All her brown tones.
There's JP coming by to say hi.
Aw, there he is.
Bye bye.
But--
Tim, imagine how nice the bus would be if there was no female on there.
There would be all these candles everywhere.
There'd be so much space.
Tripping over the tampons left and right.
Oh, guys.
Come on.
We don't need that kind of energy.
No.
Well, it's so nice to have her because there are candles and there's tea being
made and everything.
I'm just kidding.
But can I just finish my story about evacuating my bowels in the state, in our
country's, and in a lot of ways, our country's capital.
A really beautiful--
Yeah.
What's going to soon become a very beautiful city.
With many monuments.
No.
I got out of the alley with all the-- so there were dead rats.
They were like squashed rats, you know, like just--
Yeah.
And then, so I wasn't feeling too good about that.
And then, I didn't look on my phone.
I just thought, as soon as I got to the corner, I could tell I was in like a
gentrified-y neighborhood.
Lots of-- like there was like a Crate and Barrel and a Melville and these kind
of stores, you know.
And I go, I'll just take a left.
I'm going to hit a coffee shop in a block.
No problem.
I'd put money on that.
But it was one of those deals where it was just everything but a coffee shop,
folks.
Everything but.
And not-- nobody offering toilets.
But three blocks later, but again, it was cold and miserable out.
Three or-- good three or four blocks, I found a coffee shop.
And there, the bowels were evacuated.
Did you buy a coffee shop?
Did you buy coffee or just use their toilet?
I did.
It was a bad coffee, I have to tell you.
I think I'm just talking like Trump from now on in my life.
I just have to tell you, you know.
I can't help it.
Tim, I think you should have went to--
You should have went to Crate and Barrel because you could have pooped in a
crate or a barrel.
But you know what I did?
I like to find the nice-- I like a nice-- a really nice bathroom, you know.
So I find the fanciest restaurant nearby.
And I'll place an order.
And then I'll go, sorry, I have to go to the bathroom.
And then I use their wonderful bathroom.
And then when the food comes out, I'll say, it tastes terrible.
I'm not paying for it and I leave.
Oh.
That's what I do.
Well, you should--
You should get in trouble for doing things like that.
It's not nice.
Stealing, technically.
This morning, I went to a place here in Asheville down the street called Blackbird.
It was a very good southern breakfast.
I got some grits and I got some--
Put your guitar down.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
I'm sorry.
Yes, that's right.
Yes, Blackbird.
But listen to this.
So as you can tell, or I've spoken about on the Patreon, I've been sick.
I've been dealing with this cold, this cough, whatever you want to call it, flu.
I don't know what it is.
Sick.
Everyone-- it's the winter.
What am I supposed to do?
It's inevitable.
And so I've been coughing and all this stuff.
But, you know, been able to do the show, no problem, because I'm a professional
and I just am so good at what I do.
But this morning at Blackbird-- that should have gotten a laugh, by the way.
But you guys might have already checked out.
I was looking through my drops.
We're coughing.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
Well--
I got to be more--
I went into the--
This Blackbird place was a nice looking restaurant.
And I got some grits and eggs and a biscuit.
And it was like, you know, classic southern kind of spot.
Beautiful spot.
And there's only about four other people in there.
And there's this couple in there, this woman.
She was dry coughing the whole time I'm in there.
She's like sitting there going, ah! Ah! Ah!
What the fuck?
And I decided to have a nice breakfast there.
I was like, I'm going to use your bathroom, but I will have breakfast.
Here.
Thank you.
Coffee.
Fucking orange juice.
Sit there.
Have a nice little quiet breakfast.
Have a little fucking, a little me time.
And this bitch is in there going, ah! Ah!
I was like, what the fuck is your problem?
Why don't you get the hell out of here?
Cover your mouth.
I am great.
Well, that sounds like my, sounds like my Lunar New Year experience I had.
Oh, yeah.
Tell your Lunar New Year experience.
This is good.
This is rich.
Well, the night before in Philly, I was on stage and I was, I accidentally hit
my sampler that my mic is going through and it went to full volume and I got
hit with the loudest sound in my right ear.
Cause this, this, the monitor was there and my, and I damaged my ear.
It sounded like a broken vocoder going through like a muff pedal.
Oh no.
On my right side.
Yeah.
Every sound.
And it was terrifying.
So like, I was like in shock and I realized, I know where the, I just know
where this story's going.
I love it.
Well, I was thinking like at the moment, do I just call off the, my set and go
to the ER.
But then I thought then the, the show would be weird for Tim.
He'd be like awkwardly.
Okay.
And now we're going to have fun now.
So I had to fake it and just finished my set.
And I somehow got an earplug into my ear.
Anyway.
Um, the next day, I mean that the, the distortion went away, luckily, and I'm
probably not too deaf now, but the next day I'm like, I'm going to go to a, I
went to this a vegan restaurant and I was like the only one there.
It was awesome.
And then while I'm sitting there waiting for my food, this like team of dragon
dancers with drums and symbols, they're clanging everywhere.
And they're like doing a dance right in front of my table.
And it was like an extended long lunar new year's performance.
And then they went away.
And then another whole crew of dragon dancers came in.
No.
So I picked the wrong spot for that.
Were there other people in the restaurant?
There must've been.
Uh, there was, it was, when I got there, there was maybe one other, uh, table
of people.
But then, you know, you should have just said, no, no, thank you.
No, no, leave now.
Please leave.
Covering your.
I was sitting there watching it like this.
Uh, that's hell so much more hell to report on, but let's take a call.
We have a, uh, we have a bone picker on the zoom, which is rare.
Oh, willing to show their face.
I hope I'll be able to see these people.
Uh, yeah, you will be.
Okay.
Should be.
Ben F.
You got a bone pick.
Yes.
Uh, in fact, I have two bones to pick.
Is this the right guy on the screen?
Oh yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
I got a bone to pick with you.
Why don't you center up?
Never.
No.
Sorry.
This is just the way it's going to be.
We get it.
You have free stuff.
Yeah.
I wanted to, I have a bone to pick with you.
Um, I w