Name: Kumail Nanjiani, Uwade (Episode 340)
Uploaded: 2025-05-15T19:20:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kumail Nanjiani, Uwade (Episode 340)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kumail Nanjiani, Uwade (Episode 340)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-15. Transcript available.

Kumail Nanjiani, Uwade (Episode 340)

I'm a DJ.
I like having fun.
I like to laugh.
I like to meet people.
We're going to be changing lives.
Good morning, everybody.
It's the Zoo Crew.
The Zoo Crew.
And we got DJ Doug Pound.
Oh.
I know.
I'm going right into it.
We have no time to waste.
Good morning.
And VB4, Vic the Virgin.
What's up, everybody?
It's Masturbate in May.
Is that what I read in the news, Vic?
You're a big part of your morning, right?
Your morning routine in the shower.
We're doing Masturbate in May.
Everyone follows through.
Oh, we're going to get dirty today.
We're going to do a fully nude show from the bottom down.
We talked about this at our Wednesday meeting.
We've dropped trowel.
Vic is, of course, not wearing pants as usual.
As usual.
And Doug is now not wearing pants for the first time in the show,
but is wearing a diaper.
Get your boners ready.
Your car has a noisemaker built into it that sounds like a horn.
There you go.
And it is Thursday, May 15th.
The weather is beautiful out here in Glendale, California.
Sunshiny day.
It is May, the end of May, and it's terrific to be here.
Baseball season is underway.
It has been.
Baseball season has been in season now for about a month or two.
Maybe two.
We're talking to Captain Carlin, who's got his nude dog with him as well.
She is nude from the waist down.
Check it out.
Hey!
And we have a very, a huge guest.
Maybe our biggest movie star we've ever had on the show.
I mean, we have to look back.
I mean, well, I take that back because we've had huge movie stars.
We've had Harrison Ford on the show several times.
And Kirk Douglas and Mike.
Mike Douglas, the talk show host, not the actor.
Michael Douglas, the actor, has been on the show.
I'm trying to introduce him!
But I do like Mike Douglas.
Has he been?
Yeah, eating oysters.
Let's take a look at those.
D-U-M-M-Y, period.
Mike Douglas is my most exciting celebrity sighting.
Tell us about him.
Kumail is here.
Hi, thanks for having me.
I saw him.
Well, because you don't expect to run into Michael Douglas.
Mike L. Douglas.
Mike, the very Mike L. Douglas.
We were, I forget where we were.
We were like in some, Emily and I were like, just went away for a weekend
somewhere close
to California.
And there was like a steak place.
They were like, so we went there and they had like pictures of like-
Close, let me just picture, sorry to interrupt.
I'm going to interrupt you.
No, no, no, please.
Close to California.
The story works better.
Some kind of steak place.
Yeah.
Are we up in wine country?
Sort of around there.
I think by Santa Barbara.
I don't actually remember.
We went to this place and they had pictures of like, it was like old school
Hollywood.
They had pictures of Humphrey Bogart up everywhere.
And we were like, oh my God, how long has this place been around?
It was like 97, they said.
And right next to us was Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones and a whole
other people
we didn't know.
Well, I don't, we should do that.
We should show this because it's always good to check in on Michael's Instagram.
Do you want to show this?
I know it's, I'm sorry.
You're probably doing your best to find this as soon as it came.
We hate to do repeats on the show, but it feels like you probably haven't seen
this.
Maybe you have.
This is Michael Douglas enjoying some oysters.
Let me eat my fucking food, bitch.
Oh my God.
Okay.
I'm the biggest oyster I have ever seen.
Oh my God.
That's how he got cancer, right?
There's more, isn't there?
Yes.
There's another lick, I think.
There's another lick, Narek.
Come on, no one wants to see that.
It's still morning in many places.
That's how he eats steak, dude.
He puts it in his mouth, spits it back out.
It's a little lick.
I want to just start the show.
We started the show, but I want to begin the show with a couple of plugs, get
them out of
the way.
This has nothing to do with you, but we will talk about your touring.
You've been back in the stand-up comedy world.
I want to ask you about that because I don't know why the hell do you want to
do it.
Once you, I heard a funny story.
What a good question.
About, I won't say who it is, but let's just say it's a very, it's a famous
person.
A stand-up?
Well, it's a stand-up.
Oh.
Somebody who used to do stand-up comedy who does no longer do it.
Eddie Murphy.
Jeremy Renner.
No.
Somebody of our generation, I would say.
This is so exciting.
And they were doing some, they just got a part in a big movie.
It was kind of supposed to be a breakout thing.
Didn't actually turn into that, but we could guess on this, but I don't know.
I don't have any friendship with this person, but they're like, thank God I got
this thing.
I don't have to do this stand-up shit anymore.
And they were like, I thought you liked, I mean, I thought this is fun for you.
Like, what?
I don't get it.
Do you want to guess who it is?
Okay.
What was it?
I mean, it's hard to know.
Like, what was a big movie that didn't do well?
Oh, actually, it's not a case of not doing well.
It's that their part was diminished.
It was not a big part for them.
Who is it?
I don't know if I want to tell you.
Mindy Kaling.
Okay.
Come on.
Mindy Kaling.
It's R.
Did you hear me?
Yes.
Okay.
I don't think the audience heard that.
Good.
It was Todd Berry.
He couldn't wait.
He really mumbled that.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know what I'm going to tell you, Mindy Kaling.
I do want to tell you about some friends of ours, though, that have some
exciting things
coming up.
The great, of course, you've got to be a big fan of Kyle Mooney.
Love Kyle Mooney.
I actually...
How happy we are for him.
I actually started to text him today, and I forgot, because I saw his movie,
and I love
his album.
I think it's so...
Okay, wait a minute.
You did something very strange there.
You just said, I saw his movie.
And I loved his movie, too.
And I loved his album.
I had a Kyle Mooney week, where I was like, I saw the movie, because I've been
meaning
to see it, and I loved it.
And then I saw the video that he made promoting his album, like, you get to see
the real me,
whatever.
And I was like, Emily, you have to watch this video.
I love that.
And then you're going to listen to this album.
We need to be sharing our friends' work more, I think, to each other and with
each other,
and then letting them know how much we appreciate it.
I decided a few years ago that if I liked something that somebody did, I was
going to let
them know.
And I've never heard from you in, I don't know how many years.
Well, I'll get your number today.
That sounds like a plan.
You didn't like it.
But I've been a fan of Kyle Mooney's for a long time.
I would say we're not friends.
I'm friends with Beck.
I love him.
When we run into each other, we have a great time.
He does not think the same of you, but go ahead.
That's fine.
I don't like it.
I'm in a quiet taste.
His movie's so good, and his album's so good.
Well, I'm in the movie.
Do you know that?
Yeah, the movie's great.
Do you know that?
I'm coming in hot, and I take it.
I apologize.
But no, I just, this is not, no one asked me to do this, but he's going on tour,
and I
thought that's cool to mention because we like, like I said, we like to support
our friends.
The other thing is, you probably know, well, I'm sure you know Brendan Walsh,
too.
Remember?
You go back with Brendan Walsh a little bit?
Yeah, of course.
I just did, he's got a podcast that I think is so great that I did it the other
day, and
I didn't know it was going to be great, but it's called Off the Records, and
him and Sean
O'Connor, I think, Sean O'Connor listened to old stand-up comedy records and
just talked
about it.
Oh, wow.
I love Sean O'Connor, too.
Yeah, and these guys were, and we did, I get the crickets for that?
Sorry, sorry.
I didn't even do the crickets.
Just having fun with Brendan.
You hear this?
Just having fun with Brendan.
Just going somewhere.
I want to piss Brendan off.
Okay.
You've been down.
Those are for Brendan.
Yeah, yeah, not for you.
That's okay.
Well, we did, I'm going to get so much shit for this because he just, he chose
the record
that we listened to, and we listened to the first Adam Sandler record, and I'll
be honest
with everybody, I'm never, I try not to be insincere or try not to be, you know,
a bullshitter,
I was never a fan of Adam Sandler.
It wasn't for me.
I didn't hate, I think he's a great actor, but I never liked that, that thing.
I never did.
What do you want me to do?
And I, it was right, sorry, are you, this is another probably good friend of
yours.
He's not a good friend of mine, but I do know him.
Yeah, of course.
But, and so if you've, have you ever heard his first album?
It's like him and Spade and everybody like in the studio.
They're all going to laugh at you?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's a classic.
Yeah, but it's, I, it did not, it was.
It did not work for you?
No, it continued to not work for me.
And I, it definitely felt like if you were a 13 year old boy, that, and it hit
at the
right, right moment for you, it would, it was like major.
What did Brendan and Sean think of it?
They, they liked it.
They had a better memory of it.
Like they had, I did, it just, I just wasn't something I had growing up, you
know?
So, but I was diplomatic and I was polite about it.
It was just like, I was honest too.
I was like, I don't, this isn't for me.
Yeah.
Did you get to the longest pee?
You know what?
I realized what it was.
The longest pee.
Yeah, that was okay.
Yeah, see?
But I realized it's, he's got it very, especially back then, a very, very Jerry
Lewis energy.
Uh, and you don't like Jerry Lewis energy.
No.
I don't like Jerry Lewis energy.
Do you?
I was, when I was a kid, I loved Jerry Lewis energy.
I mean, I.
You like Jerry Lewis energy.
I, yes.
Jerry Lewis, not so much.
But yeah, I loved, I mean, I watched so many of his movies.
Do you remember one called Cinderfella?
Mm-hmm.
I don't know that one.
Where he's Cinderella, but a guy.
I mean, I was, I loved Jerry.
I haven't seen him in a long time.
I love his work when he's doing the call in, what's it called?
That thing?
Uh, oh, the telethon.
Yeah.
You see the one where he did.
I like when he gets really angry.
I love his.
Do you know the clown one?
The one that was like.
The day the clown cried, his Holocaust movie.
I would pay five figures to watch that movie.
That's the, uh, the Holy Grail or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The Rosetta Stone.
They said, I thought that when he passed that we would be able to get to it.
But how have we not gotten to it?
I know.
It's gotta get out there.
It's out there somewhere.
I bet it's gonna be a disappointment.
Probably.
People will be like, it's actually all right.
It's not that bad.
Oh, so it's not leaked yet.
It's still.
No, it's not.
It's still unavailable.
Gary Lewis is keeping it in the archives.
That's Cinderella?
Yeah.
There's Cinderella.
I remember that.
He's very good at that thing.
See, I think it worked best when he had Dean Martin there.
Have you ever seen those really old, like early, early Dean Martin and Jerry
Lewis where Jerry
Lewis is so young and he's just like a full, like bouncing off the wall.
And he had that Dean Martin to kind of like, it was this, yeah, just like the
adult in the room.
Yeah.
And a nice little balance.
But when it's just Jerry.
I saw him.
I like just Jerry.
I saw him years ago with Neil Hamburger, Greg, and a few other people.
We went to go see him live, Jerry Lewis.
Jerry Lewis live?
Yeah.
What?
And it's very near the end.
And his show was the worst thing you could ever imagine.
What was it?
What was the show?
It was like at La Marada.
It was like Orange County somewhere in some performing arts center.
He comes out and he does like very racist material.
Like what?
Do a whole thing.
I'll tell you the one.
Yeah.
Please don't clip this out of context.
Okay.
I love all people.
And this is Jerry, not me.
Definitely do it in the Jerry voice so we can be sure that it's not you.
Responsibility and you're part of it.
I mean, the problem is you're going to laugh at this joke