Name: Tim Releases the Epstein List (Episode 349)
Uploaded: 2025-07-24T19:34:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Releases the Epstein List (Episode 349)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Releases the Epstein List (Episode 349)' from Office Hours Live with Tim Heidecker on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-24. Transcript available.

Tim Releases the Epstein List (Episode 349)

I like having fun. I like to laugh. I like to meet people who can make me laugh.
I like having fun. Yes, I like to laugh. I like having fun to meet people who
laugh.
Oh, I'm back. Back in the New York groove. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Office Hours Live. It is Thursday, July 24th, 10.03 a.m. right now. And I am
back in my rightful spot. I am so happy to be back.
I just want to say, apparently we got the news in, I got the news in Monday
that last week's episode is the lowest rated, least liked episode of Office Hours
since we began this so long ago.
And it's a shame, really. It is a shame. Excuse me. Who's rating these things?
It's the Nielsen's and many others. Leslie Nielsen's report came out.
Ricky Nielsen.
And people were very unhappy with it. Very unhappy with the guest host. And my
message is, Paul, shear some sheets and shear some sheep, I should say.
Bullshit right there.
Shear some sheep instead of trying to usurp my leadership here.
And everybody's relieved. I talked to a lot of the audience, a lot of the fans.
We all got together last night at Lincoln Brews.
Sausage and beer place in Atwater here. I had a little meetup last night. 250
people showed up. It was unannounced. So that was cool.
Who is smoking here?
You mean Lincoln Hops?
Lincoln Hops. Yeah. What did I say? Lincoln Brews?
Anyways.
You're not the Pope, bro.
People were on their knees begging me to return as the host of the show. And I've
acquiesced.
Hello?
Hi, sir.
And we have breaking news today. Breaking news.
Hold on.
A lot of news, actually, in a lot of ways. No guests today. We are just all
about the audience today. We are all about the Trinity.
We're going to focus on your calls. And this is when we lose everybody. But
hopefully, they'll be interesting.
And catch up. Let's catch up. Let's get to know each other again.
But we will have breaking news in a few minutes. Let me introduce my guys.
The original guys. You know this movie, Bad Guys 2, is coming out cartoon.
Oh, yeah.
And these are the original Bad Guys right here.
You know who's in that?
UTF is coming to an end.
Oh!
We had a great run. And now, basically, it's time.
It's time.
It's time.
I got a beef with him already. Starting off back in the United States. Beef
with Mark Maron.
Texted him the other day. No reply.
Oh, my God.
A full no reply.
Would you text him back in the States?
Private with the contents of the text do not concern you.
What'd you text him? Are you DTF? Question mark?
Didn't show up at the meeting last night.
You up at 11.
Can I introduce you or not? You up.
You want to be introduced?
Stop!
Hi, sir.
You see this clip of Alex Jones? He was on Tim Dillon. I saw this clip.
Stop it!
He's, like, smoking a cigarette. Have you seen the clip of Alex Jones smoking a
cigarette?
Oh, my God.
But it looked like... You've got to find this. It looks like it's the first
time he's ever smoked a cigarette.
He's holding it all weird.
He loves smoking.
DJ Doug Pound!
Good morning.
Let's get some quick taps.
Quick taps for Hulkster.
The Hulk Hogan passed quicker.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
What the hell, Vic?
Start higher.
Start higher.
All right.
There it is.
Oh, terrible.
Terrible news.
One of the great wrestlers.
One of the great pretend wrestlers in American history.
I'm certainly a big part of my childhood, I'm sure.
Matt?
Well, I was a Hulkamaniac.
Hello.
Why do I have...
Oh, yeah, I was a Hulkamaniac.
I had the headband.
You were?
Yeah.
Really?
Big Hulkamaniac.
I had the little rubber toy.
I bought his oil.
DJ Ziknerger's behind me.
Oh, I am here.
What's up, everybody?
Oh.
Well, we're not in Kansas anymore.
Well, no.
Apparently, there's a whole hour-long documentary about them on YouTube.
I haven't watched it yet.
Wow.
It's waking up.
Captain Carlin, good to be with you, as always.
Great to have you back, Tim.
Thank you.
It was a disaster without you.
No, I'm just kidding.
Thank you, Paul.
Of course, I'm joking.
Everyone thinks...
Worm nerd.
Everyone gets it.
I know the audience gets it, but I want to thank Paul Scheer for stepping in.
And Natalie Palamedes.
Mm-hmm.
And Chad Damianni.
Damianni.
I watched.
People were very upset.
I could see that they were worried that I was going to be upset with the
conduct in this room.
With the disgusting...
Yeah.
What do you think?
Who do you think I am?
I know.
Exactly.
I loved it.
I was lying in bed because I had been working this job.
And I believe Rock and Roll Gary called in that day, too.
And happy birthday to Rock and Roll Gary.
Great to hear from him again.
You're lying in bed, yeah?
I was lying in bed and didn't know that Gary was that old.
I think that's a big surprise.
But I had been shooting...
I've been doing this movie and we're shooting nights.
You ever shoot nights?
You ever work nights?
Do I have any night owls out there?
I'm working 6 p.m. till 6 a.m.
Get home...
It's weird.
It's a weird vibe to get home at 7 and get cozy in your bed and try to go to
sleep.
So I woke up at like noon, turned on my office hours, just like many of you.
And there I was watching my show, falling apart in a great way.
Wake your punk ass up.
But I thought it was terrific.
Natalie Palamides, I was doing these shows in London, you know?
Mm-hmm.
At this beautiful theater, the Soho Theater in Wathamstow.
It was a big theater.
And that Natalie Palamides, she had that place packed for like two weeks.
Yeah.
Thank you for your concern.
Thank you.
Doing weird.
But I want to get to this because I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility
right now.
And responsibility for my show and for you guys, always I do.
But I was handed something late last night.
Knock on the door.
Uh-oh.
Knock on the door.
And it was like midnight and I got up and I thought, who the hell is there?
Opportunity knocks.
And it was a dude in a...
It was a dude in a...
It was a dude in a...
It was a dude in a trench coat.
Huh?
Huh?
Trench coat and...
And the light was such that I couldn't make out his face at all.
It was full silhouette.
And he hands me this envelope.
I am the one who knocks.
And he goes, I trust you will know what to do with this.
I go, what?
I am the one who knocks.
Yeah.
Wait, say it.
How did he talk again?
I trust you will know what to do with this.
Who is that?
And he walked down the steps.
It's kind of a Walter White or a Yoda.
A little bit of Yoda.
Yoda.
It's Yoda kind of getting in there.
Yoda would be...
I trust?
He sounded like this.
I trust you know what to do with this.
Yoda after puberty.
He gave me this envelope.
And they're right on the thing.
You can see this.
I have it right here.
Epstein list.
Oh, my God.
Top secret.
This is marked top secret by the...
Oh, shit.
Wait, what is...
You got the list.
And this is...
Everyone's talking about this.
If you've been following the news, Mark Epstein or John Epstein...
What's his name?
John Epstein?
Jeffrey Epstein.
He's got a brother, too.
Jeffrey...
Jeffrey the giraffe from Toys R Us, right?
What's the deal with Jeffrey's?
You got Jeffrey Dahmer, then you had Jeffrey Epstein.
I like their brother's bagels.
Oh, that's Einstein.
That's Einstein.
Then, of course, his grandfather managed the Beatles, Brian Epstein.
Yeah.
But anyway, I have not opened this yet, but this is the list everyone's talking...
Apparently, this is the list that could bring down the world's elites, right?
We've been hearing about this Epstein list and all the files and the documents.
Well, here it is, ladies and gentlemen.
And now, I want you guys to be okay with this because I think we're at risk by
the government,
by the deep state.
If the deep state...
The deep state doesn't want this list out.
Maybe we shouldn't put it out.
It might get canceled.
They'll cancel us.
I don't know.
I'd just say tear it up and throw it away.
Just no doubt.
I want to know.
I'm so curious.
Burn it.
What do you think, Doug?
Matt, what do you think?
Should we go for it?
No, I don't want to get canceled.
I don't want to have to pay Trump $300 million.
Let's get a caller on to see what we should do.
Matt, let's get a Zoomer on to see what we should do with this list, the Epstein
list.
Right.
And I'm nervous.
Jeez, my knees are shaking.
All right.
James Gentile, tell us what to do.
That's all I need.
Release the list.
Say again?
Release it.
Hey, could you turn the TV?
We're getting feedback from your screen there.
It's confusing.
You don't like it?
No, it's actually fun.
It works.
It's actually...
Everyone should be doing this when they call in.
I hate to say it, but it's kind of a Carson down.
Look at that.
Yeah.
Carson, let's go to the control room.
Let's go to a split screen.
Can we get Carson?
Where is it?
There you go.
Yeah, I'm seeing double.
Look at that.
I'm seeing double.
I'm trying out the mustache, so I guess now I'm a Carson duck.
And apologies, guys.
I have Luke cleaning out my ducts.
So, my ducts.
Once he sets his levels, he's going under the house to clear out the air
conditioning units.
That's why he's masked up.
Luke, what are you doing?
Get down from there.
You're going to hurt yourself, damn it.
All right.
This show is...
We've already gone off the rails.
Oh, my God.
He fell down.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I missed it.
Oh, no.
You all right?
Is he okay?
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, shit.
I was not looking.
Wow.
I was watching.
Is he all right?
No, he's done.
He fell on my stare that I made.
Oh, yeah.
Back right into the...
Oh, my God.
Get back to work, Luke.
Yeah.
Carson, get back to the show.
Stop.
Give him CPR, Carson, or something.
Hold on.
I don't know why...
Okay, there you are.
Hey, so you think I should release this?
Yeah.
Unless you're in it.
You've got...
Well, I don't know.
I haven't looked...
I haven't seen the list.
Let me get inside when I pay back.
I think you should release it, yeah.
Where are you calling from?
Philly.
Philly.
Okay.
And you have no stake in this?
You don't have any...
You're not tied to the federal government in any kind of way?
I don't think so.
There's been an attack.
The goddamn South Tower has been...
All right.
Well, lookit.
Here's what we're going to do.
I'm making an executive decision.
Vic, Doug, Matt.
Yeah.
I'm going to be opening this and providing...
And we're going to just...
You know what?
It's on the Pandora's box.
Rip the Band-Aid off.
Let's just...
Let's just get to it.
Jesus Christ.
Here we go.
And by the way, take a step.
If you're watching the show, send this to Vinny down at PBD headquarters.
He's been dying for this.
Maybe he'll join our show.
I know.
He's ready to flip.
Have you been watching him?
He likes comedy.
By the way...
We're finally catching up to him.
I'd have him right here every day.
Yeah.
Imagine I'd be riling him up.
Getting him all red.
Purple face.
He'd have his own chair just to get ready.
Put him in like a...
Like restraint.
No, no, no.
You said that's what you said.
It's sealed.
Look at that.
They did a pretty good job with that.
They sealed it pretty good.
This is sealed.
I prefer one of those waxen kind of little stamps.
He's like, shit.
Did you rip the list?
What happened?
No, I'm just nervous.
Don't you have a letter opener?
Look at my hands.
My name's in there.
Don't read it.
Look at my hands.
I'm going to read what's ever on there, Matt.
Come hell or high water.
Ah, shit.
Here we go.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, no.
Here we go.
Ah, man.
My name's Kev, and this is my wife, Ben.
Okay.
What I'm just talking...
If you guys are listening, I've just opened the Epstein list.
Marked top secret by the United States government.
But what's your name, though?
It looks like there's some kind of blue three-by-five card in here.
Oh, man.
Whatever it is, it's not long.
Short list.
Oh, it's the short list.
All right.
All right.
I've got to get my glasses out for this, ladies and gentlemen.
That'd be a good list.
Now, let me just...
I'm not looking at this yet.
It's July 24th, 10, 16 a.m. of the Pacific Coast.
I am a healthy, happy man.
I have no suicidal ideation.
Ideation.
I have a family.
Hello?
So if you went missing...
Exactly.
If you died, you...
Exactly.