Name: Daniel Tosh's Happy Thoughts but text-to-speech (low quality shitpost)
Uploaded: 2018-03-20T02:07:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Daniel Tosh's Happy Thoughts but text-to-speech (low quality shitpost)' from Norm and Other Stuff on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Daniel Tosh's Happy Thoughts but text-to-speech (low quality shitpost)' from Norm and Other Stuff on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-20. Transcript available.

Daniel Tosh's Happy Thoughts but text-to-speech (low quality shitpost)

Thank you. San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you. For
clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. Oh, San Francisco. Yes. Oh. My
third favorite city to do comedy in. Huh? That's not bad, right? Top 10.
Congratulations.
Oh, more about fucking per square foot than in any place in the world. That's
you guys. That's you. Put that on your postcards. San Francisco, more about
fucking per square foot. Miss you. All right. If I offend anybody tonight, I
apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not gonna guess what your personal line
of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It's how I know I still have
one.
All right. I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country except
for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty. That's horseshit. It should be
the other way around. They should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah. Then it
finally would be a jury of one's own peers. It's not a stereotype if it's
always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke is called Latinos are
criminals. That's just the title.
It doesn't. It doesn't mean anything. Sometimes before I walk on stage, my
girlfriend might say, have a good show. Break a leg. This is what she said to
me a few weeks ago right before I walked on stage. She goes, hey, you ever
worry about getting shot when you're out there? I'm like, what the hell is
wrong with you? She followed it with, you should move around more.
Uh, you should go back to reading your vampire books. I should move around more?
As if a sniper would get frustrated. Like, I can't keep up. He lives.
A lot of times, people complain that their significant other takes too long to
get ready to go out at night. I've never had that complaint. And I think it's
because I never want to go anywhere. So I could care less how long it takes her
to get ready. That's just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends
pretending that I don't want to kill myself. Yeah.
She'll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, oh, my
goodness.
You are so patient.
And I'll be like, for what?
You look disgusting.
Right?
Yeah.
Now she's crying.
Whatever.
I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's not like she's gonna break up with me.
She's ten years younger.
She's one opinion away from being replaced.
I can say that.
I have a television show.
Yeah.
The power in our household has shifted dramatically.
Now, if you're following me on Twitter, you know I had diarrhea today.
Am I using that website properly?
Sometimes I like to sit on the toilet in reverse.
We're listening.
It's nice, right?
You can turn around.
You can lean on the tank.
I'm gonna be here for a while.
Yeah, the people that are clapping right now, they're the ones like, okay, all
kidding aside,
he is a genius.
No, no, no, no.
It's the simplicity.
I've been sitting on that thing my whole life.
You're telling me I could turn around, have a bowl of cereal, yeah?
Set the alarm ten minutes later.
All right, nobody should eat while on the toilet.
But I'm lactose intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of puffins
with whole
milk.
That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Somebody emailed me, and they're like, hey, dipshit witch, for the record, is a
wonderful
subject line if you ever want me to read your emails.
Oh, let's see what this nice fan has to say.
You had me at hello.
They're like, you know you have to take your pants completely off to sit on the
toilet backwards?
Touché.
All right, so I don't research.
It's a pre-shower shit, agreed?
Can we move on, sticklers to every joke detail.
You ever have a post-shower shit?
Oh, might as well go back to bed and start your whole day over.
Things are wrong.
That's not the order of events.
There's a glitch in the matrix.
This world's not real.
Mom.
Wipe me.
I recently started flat ironing my ball hair.
Come on, ladies.
You know how it is.
If you have curly hair, you just want straight hair.
So now when people see my balls, it's like, oh, my goodness.
That looks really, really good.
Isn't that damaging to the hair?
And I'm like, yeah, but what are you gonna do?
I wish Victoria Beckham would knock it off with all the cute DOS.
I can't keep up.
My balls still have the 06 posh.
Remember that little trendy little cut?
Posh spice.
Looks like my testicles.
Okay.
Am I the only person that hopes David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt?
I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before
one of them's out of their prime.
Can you imagine those two men together making love?
Oh.
If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the
thought of those two men together this has nothing to do with your homophobic
sexual preference.
At that level, it's art, you monkey, okay?
You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.
Can you imagine if they had a child?
Pilcro on Pilcro was that Simba?
What the fuck?
Was that Simba?
That's the Beckham pit kid.
That's Pitcom?
The most beautiful child the world has ever seen.
Picture baby Jesus with better ABS.
That's a good looking baby.
If they had a baby Abercrombie store, they'd hire him to work the front door,
right?
Just stand in there shirtless, propped up.
He can't stand yet.
Just lean in against the wall.
Big poster, big poster of himself just standing in little tight pampers.
And you'd walk in, and you'd be like, I don't want to say this, but I want to
fuck that baby.
Oh, man.
Do I want to fuck that baby?
If I had three wishes, two of them would be to fuck that baby and one would be
for more wishes.
Well, you can't do that.
Then I want to fuck the baby a third time.
I would like to use all three wishes banging that baby.
Go ahead, dumb people.
Be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.
Oh, I'd love to read your email.
I felt you went over the line a bit when you theoretically wanted to fornicate
with a mythical child.
Heads up, Mormons, this joke's gonna sting.
Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your
spam file.
Let's not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to
be like,
Oh, yeah.
That's not true.
Uh, that didn't happen.
I don't know why they're wearing their pajamas under their clothes.
I assume their God wants them to be comfy.
The Mormon church spent $20 million last year in the state of California making
sure queers
didn't legally get married successfully, I might add.
So I guess we're not as liberal as we all thought.
And this is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of
gay marriage becoming legal.
Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's gonna let him into
heaven.
Okay?
So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up
at the pearly gates just going,
Yeah.
You're not getting in here, faggots.
Do you remember the commercials they ran?
It was a little girl that came running home from school, uh, and, uh, she'd be
like,
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
The teacher said when I get older I can marry a princess if I want to.
And they're like, what are you gonna do when your kid says that?
And every parent in California is like, whoa, we're gonna have to talk to our
kids?
Sorry, queers.
Nope.
Yeah.
That's Esperanza's job.
So I wanna hire the same little girl to do commercials for me in the state of
Utah,
and I want her to come running home and be like,
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, how come you're nine years older than me?
Yeah.
Because we learn math, and this doesn't add up.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy she's calling out to all of her mothers.
And they start coming out of the cabinets in their little house on the prairie
outfits trying to explain how open-minded they really are.
Compared to who, the Amish?
Am I the only person that blames global warming entirely on the Amish?
Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this
great technology?
Every time I wanna cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at
the Amish and I'm like,
Ho, ho, fuck that.
Fill it up.
Fill it up.
No, no.
I'm not gonna ride around in a buggy.
It's bad enough I have a four-cylinder.
But I would like a fireless fireplace.
I don't know how you did it, Amish.
Apparently, you partnered up with the Wiccans because that is magical.
You know the economies in the toilet when the Amish can afford full-page ads in
every paper.
Apparently, butter is recession-proof.
Does anyone in here know what I'm even talking about at this point?
The Amish, they make this fireplace that doesn't plug in.
There's no fire, but it's pumping out heat.
I assume there's a hamster in there losing his mind.
It's no snee, but it's a great product.
Yeah, somebody bought me a snee as a joke gift.
Ha, the joke's on you.
I enjoy it.
Yeah.
Ha.
I toss and turn at night.
Finally, a blanket that's like,
Noo, I'm gonna keep you warm.
It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full Nelson.
The perfect pressure.
What upset me about the gift is that all I received, was one sage green snee,
when, in fact, I know it comes with two snees and two book lights.
Those are $20 values.
Where the hell is the rest of my gift?
Yeah.
You have until Christmas, or I'm coming to your house and ripping three-fourths
of your fat head off your wall.
Not Big Ben.
Yeah.
Ben shouldn't be in the bathroom with anyone.
Speaking of quarterbacks, uh, Brett Favre I love that everybody give him so
much grief to retire.
Brett Favre should retire.
Are you out of your mind?
He makes $12 million a year to play a game.
Yeah, I'm gonna keep playing.
Hey, Brett, the whole world thinks you should retire.
You said $12 million, right?
Yeah, they can go fuck themselves.
I would never quit, are you kidding me?
What about in four years?
He's not good enough to be a starter, but he could be a backup in the NFL.
Do you know what that pays?
About $4 to $5 million.
Uh, yep, I'm gonna do that.
How about 10 years?
Not good enough to be a backup.
But he could be on the practice squad.
Do you know what that pays?
About $850,000.
Uh, yep, I'm gonna do that as well.
I'll play forever.
It'd make the game more enjoyable if people weren't allowed to retire.
Athletes don't wanna quit either.
See some 70-year-old return a punt, like, oh.
He gets hit, he explodes, he dies on the field with some honor.
Yeah.
And sports needs steroids.
It does.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, baseball, certainly.
Baseball's a strike away from being soccer.
Yeah.
And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America.
See, our country already has entertainment, so watching people chase a ball for
four hours
to end 0-0 is not enjoyable unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half
of Europe dies.
Baseball.
Nobody wants to watch a pitching battle either.
Let's hit the ball deep.
Don't worry about your records either.
For every superstar that has done steroids, a billion AA boys have juiced up,
so the playing field is plenty even.
We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bond's name, sure, as soon as we put one
next to Babe Ruth's name.
Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play?
Excuse me?
Where is that asterisk?
Why don't people talk about that?
Oh.
I'd love to know how many homers the Babe would have hit had Cece been throwing
him 92-mile-an-hour sliders.
Yeah.
Maybe the fat boy would have put the cigar down and quit pointing at Jose been
allowed to swim 90 miles to throw him a junk ball.
Don't worry if you don't follow.
90 miles is the distance from Key West to Cuba, Jose's a stereotypical name for
a Latino ball player, and a junk ball's an impossible pitch to hit yard any
place except for the new Yankee Stadium, which is a joke.
The point.
Is the record books might look a little different had our country not been
founded by racists.
That's all.
And I love that in 2010, you're still not allowed to shit on the founding
fathers.
Why not?
Screw them.
They were a bunch of racist fucking pigs with a handful of good ideas.
I just h