Name: Jerry Seinfeld in Night of Too Many Stars 2006
Uploaded: 2021-08-12T21:51:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jerry Seinfeld in Night of Too Many Stars 2006' from Norm and Other Stuff on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jerry Seinfeld in Night of Too Many Stars 2006' from Norm and Other Stuff on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-12. Transcript available.

Yes! Oh my god!
Thank you.
I can't believe I'm here either.
This is so exciting, so nice to see you here.
Thank you for being here, thank me for being here.
As you know, most of you live around here, I live around here, I like living
around here.
I was thinking about getting a new cell phone,
but I can't face another one of those manuals this big and 75 pages long.
I just can't go through the manual.
The phone culture has become a very paranoid one, it seems to me.
The guy was putting in a new phone the other day in my house.
The guy said, "You want Star 69? Call her ID. Call her ID block!"
Whoa, whoa, take it easy, dude.
Remember years ago the phone would ring, people would say things like,
"I'll get it."
What happened to that?
Now the phone rings, people go, "Nobody more!"
"Who the hell is this?"
"It better not be who I think it is!"
Star 69, that's where it all started.
Star 69 seems to me to be the first phone feature that they gave us,
a little hostile to the calling party.
Somebody calls to hang up, "Star 69, get them! You can get them now! Get them!"
"Get who? For what? What did they do?"
"Nice try, creep."
"Oh, I know all about your little call."
And 69, that's the number they picked for this thing, by the way.
Can someone explain to me how that slipped through an entire organization?
So there's not one person working at the phone company that went to junior high
school,
that's what that means?
I mean, if you worked at the phone company, wouldn't you have walked in that
room?
69, that's the number you guys have come up with here, are you kidding me?
We're the phone company, we can pick any number we want, 68, 70.
No, you want me to announce to the whole country, we've got a new feature
coming out.
69, everybody!
I can't wait to hear what you've got for three-way calling.
Now, the cell phone, I have nothing negative to say about the cell phone, by
the way.
I think it's a fantastic, convenient, handy, wonderful thing.
One thing I don't get about the cell phone, why is there this little panic
freak-out when it rings?
It's just a phone.
But every time you're in a group of people,
"Is that my phone? Is that your phone? Whose phone is that?"
"That's Funky Town! That's my ring! I've got to get that!"
"I've got to make a move to a town that's right for me! That's my phone!"
What are we getting so excited about?
It's just another call. We've all received thousands of calls in our lives.
And you all know by now that there are no important calls.
Now you know the call's not important? They're calling you.
What two things do you say after every phone call of your life?
Who was that? Nobody! What'd they want? Nothing!
One thing I've noticed with the cell phone, we have much less interest in the
people that are actually with us.
Their value seems to be dropping quite dramatically.
Some people kinda wanna let you know that.
You know the people that take their phone out and put it in the middle of the
table?
What is this? The "You're not the only option that I have?" person, you know.
I've got text message, video, email, internet.
If you want my full attention, I suggest you go out on the street and call me
on this phone.
I like the battery dying moment too on the cell phone.
You know when your battery dies, you feel like your whole body's running out of
power.
You go, "Hey, I gotta recharge. I can't stay out here."
The call comes in, "Listen, I don't know how much time I have.
I left the house with two bars. I don't know what I was thinking."
Technology was supposed to make us seem smarter.
Why does it do the opposite?
Why is every person on every phone machine still telling you to wait for the
beep?
Wait for the beep?
It's the 21st goddamn century, folks.
I think we're all up to speed on the beep.
The Maasai tribesmen of the African plain know about the beep.
They don't leave a message till they hear, "Mamale, mamale, mamale! Beep!"
Why aren't people still telling you to leave your name and number on phone
machines?
Are those necessary instructions?
Anyone getting messages like, "This is a woman. Goodbye."
Is that happening?
Or, "He's dead. Call me back."
Who was that?
Email, of course, is the lowest form of human communication.
Email is, "I don't want to see your face. I don't want to hear your voice."
If I could downgrade this relationship any further, if I had a bottle with a
note, a smoke signal, a pigeon that knew where he was going.
If I could hit a button and end this relationship, I'd do it right now.
That's what email is.
Every email I get, I feel like somebody's saying to me,
"Obviously, I could have called you."
I chose not to because I decided I only want to hear my half of the
conversation.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for supporting this.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you.