Name: Dana Carvey and Norm Macdonald Impersonate Mickey and Andy Rooney
Uploaded: 2021-09-10T11:53:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dana Carvey and Norm Macdonald Impersonate Mickey and Andy Rooney' from Norm and Other Stuff on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dana Carvey and Norm Macdonald Impersonate Mickey and Andy Rooney' from Norm and Other Stuff on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-10. Transcript available.

I was the number one star in the world.
And then he would say, literally, you hear me?
Bang.
The world.
I'm just glad I like girls.
Hi, what are you up to next now?
Oh, well, would you ever need an old fella on it?
Great.
But I've been in the business a long time.
It can't just be the two of us.
I'm 87 years experienced.
I don't like to say old.
I'm experienced.
And then I'm running for president.
You're like, oh, yeah, that's funny.
No, I am.
What do you think?
I'm going to find her and fuck her in the brown.
Ava Gardner, I'll fuck her in the brown.
What's the correct response to, I shit you not?
Thank you for shitting me not.
Why do you have to ask someone, are you shitting me?
Clearly, if they were, you'd know it.
You'd be covered in fecal matter.
Why, if something goes wrong, do they say you're up shit creek without a paddle?
Where is shit creek?
Why would someone go there?
And why wouldn't you bring a paddle for crying out of life?
Why does the expression, does a bear shit in the woods, substitute for the word
yes?
You say to your friend, do you go to the store, and instead of saying yes, they'll
say, does a bear shit in the woods?
Bears don't only shit in woods.
Polar bears might shit on ice or in water.
An overworked circus bear might shit his pants while riding a unicycle.
An overworked circus bear would know when to go to the bathroom.
He wouldn't have opposing thumbs to get off his little tuxedo.
His handler would be out having a cigarette with the clown.
These are things I think of in the night.
People ask me, Andy, do you hear voices in your head?
And I always say, does a bear shit in the woods?
It seems everyone is doing drugs nowadays.
I suppose one of the worst drugs is heroin.
Or, as they call it in the street, junk.
I don't know why they call heroin junk.
I mean, it's not because it's cheap, or something you'd want to throw away.
But when you think about it, we all do drugs in one form or another.
For instance, I like to drink coffee.
I know it's bad for me, but I enjoy it.
Sometimes I'll have five or six cups a day.
And coffee contains a drug called caffeine.
So, I guess you could say that I'm a drug addict.
Because every day, I do a drug called caffeine.
And also peyote.
Some people do drugs without even knowing they're doing drugs.
At last year's Christmas party, I put four rufinols into Leslie Stahl's eggnog.
Then, dragged her up here to my office, ate a handful of peyote,
And we had a little party of our own.
The next day, she remembered none of it.
So, it was all just harmless fun, really.
When someone thinks too highly of themselves,
We say, that fellow has a big head.
I remember one time, in the midst of a three-week peyote binge,
I looked over at Morley Safer,
And his head was 40 feet wide.
I don't know if they have a drug that can cure that.
Perhaps 300 cc's of pure adrenaline
Shot into the underside of his balls.