Name: Norm Macdonald Live In St Louis - Sept 23, 2019
Uploaded: 2021-09-30T00:57:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In St Louis - Sept 23, 2019' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In St Louis - Sept 23, 2019' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-30. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live In St Louis - Sept 23, 2019

I've got a clap for the city of Indy Fiat.
We've got a clap for the city of Indy Fiat.
We've got some problems, alright?
We've got some problems, alright?
Goddamn, huh?
I love you too.
It's nice to say.
It's not alright, because that's why there was a delay.
Is that alright, you guys?
Anyways, we've been taking a bus.
I've never been on a tour bus, right?
I took an airplane from Las Vegas, like, last gig I did, right?
And scared of being banned.
And I said, "Fuck it, I'm going to get it."
And so we got a tour bus, and we're on a tour bus, way more scary.
Like, on an airplane, you know, you don't have to almost die 30 times.
But, you're driving a big fucking truck of trembling wives right in front of
you.
You know, being held together by a piece of twine.
And you're like, what the fuck?
It's breathing, you know, that guy's been on fucking methamphetamine.
Eight to five straight hours.
So every time you pass, you're like, "Oh, thank God."
And like, if you're driving a car, right?
And you say, you pass another big accident, right?
And all you do is go, "God damn, are you late for work with me?"
But you never think, "Hey, if I got up two minutes earlier, that would be me."
Yeah.
You never think I got up two minutes later.
Let's say you're on an airplane, and you're flying.
And you look over, and there's another airplane crashed into a mountain.
And they're like, "God damn, they don't remember me late for you."
I don't know.
Oh, there's even a picture of my cock up here in the front.
I can send you one, you don't have to.
Dick pics.
Whoever thought that was a fucking good idea.
What guy came up with that idea?
Well, surely it wasn't a lady's idea, I know.
Ladies do not like to see pictures of guys' problems. Some girls pretend to,
but...
Here's the thing, like, let's say you're in a bar, right, and a lady pulls out
and shows her chest every time, "Whoa, what's happening?"
Now... Sharon, did you hear what's going on here next to me? The guy just
pulled out his car. You might miss it.
Ridiculous. Ridiculous. That should not be chewing gum. It just ain't
professional, you know what I'm saying?
But, anyways, flying an airplane was so scary. I was in Las Vegas, there was a
lot of turbulence, shall I add?
And I play Vegas a lot, 'cause they love me there. I'm a degenerate gambler.
I'm kind of insulting, you know, like big chips. Baby chips, too. You know, you're
like, "Where's my money?"
"Here you go." "One chip?" And they break it down. Goddamn. Yeah, you just take
that chip, you put it in the machine, you pull it, you win. That's a lot of
money.
When I was in Las Vegas, I bumped into, uh, I saw two people in the elevator,
and I don't know if you've ever had this, but it's where you can just hear a
glimpse, not hear a glimpse.
You hear a snippet of a conversation. Then you can, uh, infer the rest of the
conversation from just a little, you know? And that's what I think I've heard,
because, I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about.
One time I was walking down the street, there was two homeless guys, right?
They were just sitting there. And all of a sudden, out of the blue, one
homeless guy says to the other, he goes, "Where in the fuck were you ever a goaltender
for the Montreal Canadiens?"
So, you gotta know, this guy is worse, dude. But I heard a little stupid of a
conversation, and what I think it was, you know, a lot of people go to Las
Vegas, or any casino, even here, and they have an idea, they have to put
together a system. You know? They get a system. They figure out a system. A way
to break the bank. A way to beat the house. A system. And, uh, actually, a lot
of these systems, you know?
Actually, a lot of these systems actually don't work at all. What I think I saw,
or heard, was a snippet of a conversation that told me that I was witnessing
the unravel of a system.
Because I got on the elevator, it was just me, a lady, and a man. And a tension.
Insane tension. And, uh, he says, "Oh, intense, because of the tension."
And then, out of the blue, the man says to the lady, he goes, "I don't give a
fuck when I say, give me your money!"
I remember a car that everybody has a client of the inside. He'll make me just
come like an audible. On the system. He was changing the system to, "I'm gonna
bet everything on red." And it would win. We'll go back to the original system.
I bet on red. I bet on red. I went to, this is how we crash, Paul. A gambling
magazine. I go down. I put $200 on red. The roulette thing spins around. The
little silver ball goes around. I bet $200 on red. It lands on black. And then
I say, "Fuck! I almost picked that!"
Everybody at the table understood. They're all like, "Oh, god, god damn!" You
gotta go there. If you know anything about a game of roulette, you know. You
can't overthink it.
It's very funny. You gotta, uh, Vegas, uh, it makes me laugh. I've done this
joke before, but fuck it, I'll do it again.
They have, uh, a slogan for the city of Las Vegas. As many cities do. Like, you
know, Atlanta will have a... Mostly they're nice, though. You know, Atlanta, uh,
Haiti.
I like the peaches. I don't know what they do. I should do some research on
something.
But you know what I'm saying. Maryland, uh, uh, a place where men like to lay
down on top of a lady. You know what I'm saying?
But, but, but, Las Vegas is the weirdest one of all because it says what
happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Very shady, you know what I mean?
You know, you know, it may as well just be a guy, but...
You know, it may as well just be a guy, but...
You know, it may as well just be a guy, but...
How far is that going?
I guess you know, the show's not going well when you hear it.
You hear a guy's speakerphone.
You know, the craft stable, but...
You know, the craft stable, but...
Anyways, take a small plane, get triggered, you'll assess the point, got very
funny.
And, uh, I, this is what I do on an airplane.
When I get on an airplane, and this is a little tip for you.
I always pay the, the emergency exit rule.
Because, you get a lot more lane rule.
And all you have to do to get that seat is lot.
Pretty good deal.
The, uh...
You know, the stewardess is up to you.
You got the stewardess, but...
Flight attendant.
Let him hear words.
I'm an old man.
When I was young, if you were a flight attendant and you were a female, we'd
call you a stewardess.
You know?
And if you were a flight attendant and you were a male, we would call you a...
Whatever, you know?
Wait, I'm not smiling.
I'm a vulgar motherfucker.
I should walk out of here and rage.
Up rage.
I don't know what to talk about now, but...
Maybe a little intersection there.
But, uh...
The person comes and they tell you.
They say...
"Listen.
If the plane happens to crash, uh...
Would you mind, uh...
Letting everyone else out before you?"
Just go over the door.
And then I go...
"Yes!"
I'd like to do that.
I, uh...
Funny thing.
And I'm just going to ask you if I could do that.
I'm hungry.
I'm too bad.
I could realize I'd be kicking my own...
Daddy, I'm full of life.
I've been on a TV.
Jesus.
Oh, they had another one.
I've never heard this before.
When they're saying their announcements.
I guess I don't listen or something, but there's one.
They go, "If the oxygen mask drops down, make sure you put it on your own face
before you put it on the face of your little child."
And I was like, "God damn, that was my plan.
You have to clap."
But, uh...
Here's the thing.
They just say these things to make you feel okay.
You know, because...
The plane comes down.
Like...
You know what they just say?
"Hey, by the way, you know the seat you're sitting on?"
You probably just think of it as a seat.
The fact is...
It's a seat, but also...
A boat.
You know what you're not there?
How about that?
You ever hear a fucking, uh...
Hey, uh...
It's me, the newsman.
Listen.
A plane crashed into the Pacific Ocean.
Hey?
Don't worry about it.
Everybody's floating around.
They are just a plane.
What is that?
Don't worry.
There's a plane crashing.
It's a plane crash.
I've seen this all the time.
Pictures.
You never see anything.
You never see bodies or anything.
And that's the thing.
It's a plane crash.
They bring cameras.
They just put up the cameras on.
It's a plane crash.
I've seen this all the time.
Pictures.
You never see anything.
You never see bodies or anything.
And that's because everybody's vaporized.
All they find is a plane load of stuff.
You never see bodies or anything.
And that's because everybody's vaporized.
All they find is a plane load of stuff.
You never see bodies or anything.
And that's because everybody's vaporized.
All they find is a plane load of stuff.
You never see bodies or anything.
And that's because everybody's vaporized.
All they find is a plane load of stuff.
You never see bodies or anything.
You never see bodies or anything.
And that's because everybody's vaporized.
of stuff. Ashes, ashes, stuff to stuff. So, they get on the plane, love fucking
stuff. Now, then the loved ones of the victims, they want the remains. That's a
nice way. They're saying stuff. So, that's what they want because that gives
them some closure, you understand?
They're like a mother's home. She's like, I can't even get a decent night's
sleep. All I can think of is Bobby and his last few hours. If only I could see
a bunch of his remains.
Man, I'd have a good night's sleep. Put this all behind me. And it's not like
you're going to get your actual, you know, they don't want to play and go, look,
a lot of silver, blonde hair.
Put a little, like, good old friend or something. Didn't you find a snag over
there? They'd reconstruct them. I'm not doing any of that. That's pretty
serious.
All they do is they find IT cards. Look at this. A fella named Norm Macdonald.
It says here he's 190 pounds. Okay, shovel up. 190 pounds of stuff.
It's an internal day. But I had Norm on the side of that one. Sarah to his
mother. She's been kept trying to see it. So, then my mother gets the bag, "Excellent!"
Now, that was Norm. Geez, I don't remember Norm having three eyeballs. I guess
none of us really knew him.
But ultimately unknowable ones in the apartment. Amen?
Only time you survive an airplane crash. This is God's single joke. Only time
he won't kill you is when you crash into the Andes.
And then God is like, "Ah, let's not kill these motherfuckers." Great yet.
Look at the last 60 days of a moral crisis.
Moral crisis of capitalism. Which, by the way, I am completely against. I don't
know how you guys feel.
I spend most of my time lecturing. And not you. I'm having to use this as a
soapbox. This is my stand.
And also, you guys who are adults, your views on cannibalism are a fix.
I go for the kids.
I go across this great continent, you know, except for Mexico type one there.
I go there. And I say, I go there. And I talk to the kids. And I tell them,
cannibalism is not cool.
You may think eating a guy in a fucking PE is going to make you real cool.
You're not going to lie to me. You're not going to lie to you. You will be at
the top of the school.
I need a guy. But, you've got to think of the future.
I'm not hiring you on SNL 20 years from now.
I'm not hiring you on SNL 20 years from now.
Yeah, I'm looking at this guy here for her.
Oh, my God almighty.
The problem is when facing the crisis of whether or not to eat a fellow human
being.
It takes time.
And they think about it.
Think about it. The days turn into weeks and weeks.
You know, time works. I don't have to explain everything.
But the point of it is, by the time they've made their minds up, their minds
are gone.
That's why the ravening hunger has turned them into animals.
And they're not able to think right.
They should have thought about it before.
Like, I'm the kind of person that I'm ready for every eventuality.
You know what I mean?
If I'm in an airplane, I don't care where I'm going.
It doesn't even have to be the Andes.
I'm just flying in an airplane.
And there's a little turbulence.
I'll go, "I'm eating that fucker in 14