Name: Norm Macdonald Stand Up 2016 - Portland, Helium Comedy Club
Uploaded: 2021-10-01T07:31:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up 2016 - Portland, Helium Comedy Club' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up 2016 - Portland, Helium Comedy Club' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-01. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Stand Up 2016 - Portland, Helium Comedy Club

Don't mess in hell, Netflix. You guys know the fuck he is. Give it up. Norm MacDonald,
everyone!
I believe it.
It's hilarious, cool.
It's the best thing I have here for Ed.
Oh, my God.
It's awesome. Hey, listen. This is what happened. I'm going to hear it.
Let's try and get everything figured out. All right.
I'm centering myself here.
So, I come to Portland, right?
Now, the driver picks me up, okay?
And from the airport, he's driving me to the hotel, and he says,
"Now, listen. This didn't happen this trip."
I come to Portland to understand. This happened two trips ago.
But I should have just said, I probably should have just said it happened this
trip, you know?
Then I feel somebody go, "Hey, wait a second. I was here two trips ago."
So, but it was the only funny thing they ever happened to be here.
I'm going to have to do it again.
I'll tell you that in a second, right?
But it has to do with this. This is what the driver said.
And this is what I've noticed it. I've noticed this time in Portland more than
two trips ago.
I've noticed that, like, there would be a store, right?
A place of business, and on the door it says, "We allow, we welcome everyone,
you know?
Black people, white people, trans, you know, gay people, it doesn't matter.
We welcome your business."
Which I thought, it's sort of courageous, you know, here in 1954.
You may as well say, "We, we, we observe the law."
Well, if you'd like to, you know, it was our choice, you know.
And then, if you have nothing on your door, people are like, "That's racist."
There's a lot of people in, and look at the door.
And the guy's fucking a page, he's like, "Alright, alright."
But this is what happened two times ago when I was in Portland when I came.
And it's sort of the same kind of theme, because the driver picks me up, right?
And he's driving me into the hotel, and he says, he goes, "I'll tell you
something about Portland.
There's no racism."
But I was like, now I just quote, "Racism, you know, it doesn't exist. It's
universal, right?"
It's every, "Oh, no, not in Portland."
I'm like, "Alright, whatever."
He's like, "No racism."
Now, I'm driving to the airport, I'm looking out of the windows of the car, and
I see no black people.
So I happen to say to the driver, because he's being so, you know, I go, you
know, he was talking about how nobody's racist, but, you know, it's not that
hard to not be racist.
There's no black people in the entire city, there's no black people in the
entire city, you know, you're a single black person.
And then the guy says to me, he says, "We got our share."
And I don't know, I don't know what it is about driving a car for a living.
But if you think you're racist, or you are, every cabbie I've ever had, racist.
Because I used to live way far away from where I would go, you know.
It's called the suburbs, you know, and that's where my parents were.
So when I was a kid, I would always party, and then I'd have to get home, and I'd
have to go through all this wilderness to get to my parents' place.
And so I'd have to take a cab, and every time the cabbie was a racist.
And I'd be like 20 miles of the guy's racism, you know.
And then, you know, you'd go, "What do I do?"
Like, you probably, you should tell the guy, "Look, you're wrong."
But I don't know, I just want to get home.
I'm half drunk, I don't want to be on crossfire with this guy.
I don't want to be on crossfire with this guy.
I just want to get home.
So I agree with whatever he says, which is not good.
Because that makes it more racist.
Like, I guess everybody thinks the same thing.
But I just want to get home.
I don't say anything, but I just agree.
Which isn't bad, I guess, you know.
But at the end of the drive, I'm like, "Yes, you have the right idea.
Please, stop it."
What about when the guys with races, you don't even know what race it is?
Like, you know what's that?
You know what the trouble of this country is?
I'm like, "Is it some people?"
I'm like, "Is it some people?"
I don't know.
I was just guessing.
He goes, "Yeah, it's some people."
But people isn't anyway, because it's the goddamn brindle heads.
I don't know how to match or anything, you know.
And I remember I looked it up that night, brindle, and I couldn't even make any
-- there was no such thing.
So I've always wondered -- because maybe it's right, maybe that is the problem.
What about guys when they act like they're not racist, like so much so that it's
a little suspicious?
Like, you ever hear those guys?
They're like, "I don't care if a guy's black or white or yellow or green."
They're like, "Green?"
You don't care if a guy's green?
There's such a thing.
Such a thing as being too progressive, you know what I mean?
To be green is where I cry.
Shoot on sight, you see something like that.
Clearly a person, you know what I mean?
Like, you shoot him or he dematerializes you.
Your gun has a bullet, his gun dematerializes you.
Dematerialization would be a cool way -- and that'd be a good way to die if
they could just dematerialize you instantly.
You know what I mean?
But it's hard to do.
Because I'll try to think of death penalty, what the best death penalty would
be.
Because death penalty is -- you guys don't have the death penalty here in
Oregon.
I don't have it in California.
I don't have it in California.
I don't like the death penalty.
I'm against the death penalty.
Because I feel, I don't know, I feel, you know, I don't like it.
I just -- it doesn't really matter what I feel.
But I do notice this.
Even though it's like sometimes the death penalty, you think, it never seems to
match the crime.
You know what I mean?
Like, sometimes it doesn't.
The guy killed the president.
That guy should be killed.
You know?
He killed the president.
Kennedy or, you know, that war blew up and think he should be killed.
But most of the time these death penalty kids are such a small -- you know,
they took lives.
But for such pointless fucking -- they weren't thinking, you know?
He's always like -- a guy goes like -- he's driving down the street and then he
stops at a filling station.
And he shoots two people, execution style.
And then he steals, you know, $35 from the till and a jar of cashew nuts or
something, you know?
Japanese TV.
And then he's driving there in the car.
And he's all happy.
He's like, "Ah-ha!
I'm going to hit it for the first time ever!"
Pull into this bar and brag about it to everybody.
So they all get caught.
Otherwise, they'd never get caught ever.
They'd have to brag it to everybody.
So, then they go to -- they get the death penalty.
And, uh, that's tough, you know?
Imagine if you're charged and they go out there, you're guilty.
Everybody knows you're guilty, you know?
There's no -- then it's time for the penalty phase.
And the judge has to decide what you get.
Life or death?
Yeah.
The opposites.
Polar opposites.
Direct opposites.
I don't like saying polar.
I shouldn't stop saying that again.
I don't know why, but I was thinking about one day, polar opposites, right?
And then you go, "Wait a minute.
The North Pole and the South Pole, they're pretty fucking similar."
And that was exactly the only way.
That was exactly the only way.
But anyway, that's not good.
But the life or death, sometimes the guy's over for life.
He's like, "Geez, I'll let you get some life," you know?
And what about those guys that go, "You get 35 straight life sentences."
And they say, "Oh, I don't know why."
I don't know why, but I was thinking about one day.
Polar opposites, right?
And then you go, "Wait a minute.
The North Pole and the South Pole, they're pretty fucking similar."
I don't know why, but I was thinking about one day.
Polar opposites, right?
And then you go, "Wait a minute.
The North Pole and the South Pole, they're pretty fucking similar."
And that was exactly the only way.
But anyway, that's not good.
But the life or death, so first the guy's over for life.
It's like, "Geez, I'll let you get some life," you know?
And what about those guys that go, "You get 35 straight life sentences."
You get a crux.
You're like, "That doesn't seem fair."
You get a crux.
Yep.
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
Yep.
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
You want a crux?
Yeah.
You want a crux?
And listen, here's the deal. I got some bad news. Good news and bad news. Here's
the bad news. It turns out we're going to kill you. We'll get it. We'll just go
out and say it. Here's the good news. Do you like steak? Do you like ribeye
steak? Because there's this restaurant down by the death house. My God. There's
ribeye steak there. It's amazing.
I bring my wife's mother's birthday. We take her down to the death house steak.
She loves it. Every time it's her birthday, we take her down there. She loves
the cheesecake. She says that the cheesecake is to...
It's a good cheesecake. It's a good cheesecake. It's a good cheesecake. So go
away. Go away. And then the guy goes away.
And then he lives in a little place. He gets to wear his free world clothes.
But he lives in a little room. Very small. And it's just him and nothing else.
Just him. And his regrets.
He gets to wear his free world clothes. And he gets to wear his free world
clothes. Which I guess is like all of us. You know what else we get?
But this is more condensed. You know what I mean? This is more like...
You know, basically it's just a guy going, "God damn. I don't even like cashews
that much." What was I thinking?
There's a little rash, I have to admit, now that I look back, I've been nice.
Three or five dollars, that can go that far. I look, kept, and learned.
Then, you have your last day. And then all your relatives come to visit you in
your little, you know, little room.
And that's not fun. You know, you think Thanksgiving's not a lot of fun.
Imagine your fucking family all in your little, you know.
And you're like, "Oh, who are you again?" "Oh yeah, my uncle, yeah. What's
going on with you?"
And he's like, "Well, the kids are taking piano lessons." "I don't give a fuck
about it."
We only talk about me tonight.
They're killing me tomorrow. In a hot chair.
That's what I was trying to get to.
Because when they came out, in a hot chair.
Because they should have just dematerialized the guy.
So there's a lot of different ways that they use.
But one, that was the most popular for a long time, and still is around, the
hot chair.
The electric hot chair.
Hot chair.
Now, who the fuck got this out?
I mean, that's the other thing I've got.
Look, man, this guy's a human garbage.
The way he killed all those people.
You know, he's got to die, you know.
He has to extinguish his life.
But how?
Anybody got any ideas?
Yes, Fred.
What about a hot chair?
Okay, listen, man.
Are you talking about a chair that's hot?
Like after your uncle gets up?
Did you see that?
That's hot.
I'm not hotter than that.
I don't catch you, Fred.
Hotter, I'm saying.
It's so hot, it plugs into the wall, and then it gets hot, the chair.
And then you're sitting in it, and you start getting hot.
But very, very hot.
So hot, that your inner start boiling and everything, and like your viscera
begins to liquefy, and then, you know, 20 minutes later, we're going to see it
bubbling out your head, your brain.
Excellent, Fred.
Well, we can stop now.
We don't need any more.
If only people were more like Fred.
With his ideas.
Maybe we can get...
So then you've got to walk a mile with a sad-faced pastor.
You don't want a sad-faced pastor.
You don't want a sad-faced pastor.
You don't want a sad-faced pastor.
Why don't they give him a whore or something?
It's a hardened criminal.
What does he want with a sad-faced pastor?
Then he has to walk a mile.
I don't know wh