Name: Norm Macdonald Live in Toronto (April 2009)
Uploaded: 2021-10-01T19:11:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Toronto (April 2009)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Toronto (April 2009)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-01. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live in Toronto (April 2009)

That's very kind and very sweet and very nice because I had a partner in
Toronto actually about 20 minutes ago.
I went far back. It was a long time.
So, coming back is cool and stuff.
Earlier a guy was showing me this YouTube of Billy Bob and coincidentally I
know Billy Bob because I love country music and stuff.
I said I watched the interview and he was saying crazy shit but the one thing
that he said that wasn't crazy was the mashed potatoes thing.
That was the true thing to say.
We know as Canadians we are reserved for American Americans. We know that.
Like the biggest country music star that ever existed in Canada, Stomp and Tom
Connors.
Dan had two songs about potatoes.
We know that.
We are reaching great and we are so happy.
The other kind of crazy shit is the monster magazines and shit.
I like country music. I like it all the time.
I don't know what I mean, it just means, you know, you understand, I mean, but
now you see country music and you guys don't know, because that was the whole
time, your country music.
Because it was fucking cool. Now, I saw a video of a man wearing a white suit
on a cloud, and then a lady in a white, you know, what the fuck? I don't know
what that is, but it's not country.
Country all about booze.
They, uh, since I am such a, I mean, I don't need to know.
I will say this.
I'm not a homophobic. People think sometimes I'm a homophobic. Oh, he's homophobic.
This is a homophobic. Just because, just because, I, listen, I have no problem
with kids. I'm going to do whatever they want.
But just, don't put my face on my face. That's the only thing. You know, like,
I, uh, joined a gym there, in L.A., I want to work in my, uh, my, uh...
The point is this. I don't like the locker room. Because when I go to a gym, my
abs, the lardons, and this dorset, all that shit.
I want to work on that. See? The last thing I want to do is go into that
goddamn locker room, you know, and see some guy's, you know, hot, shiny,
beautiful guy.
That's what I want to do.
I want to do a workout. That makes me homophobic. That makes me homophobic.
I want to go on the treadmill and walk, and, uh, walk, and, uh, walk, and I
tread, I tread, I tread on the treadmill until my heart rate goes up two and a
half times in the thing.
A third of an hour. That's why I'm there. That's why I'm there. That's why I'm
there. Do you understand what I'm saying?
That's why I'm at the gym. I am not at the gym.
I'm going to go in that goddamn locker room, and, uh, you know, hide behind the
locker and stare at a guy's beautiful ass.
I'm drinking two of those red-hot balls.
I don't get time. First of all, I'm a busy guy.
I can't spend 30, 40 minutes, but I'm still in a nice big box.
That's not for me.
I can't do whatever the buggy wants.
I have a lot of people there to do Nats.
Nats. I go on, I have Pilates.
Nats, Pilates.
And I do things with them.
I push.
And I do Nats.
I do all kinds of shit.
You've got to work everything.
You've got to, because the, this part here, the quad, that actually, uh, helps
the, and the abs help, and everything.
That's why I go to the gym.
And it's very important.
Fitness is probably one of the most important things.
A sound body makes your sound mind.
But, what I don't want to do.
But I'm Mr. Homer Colby.
Hey, Brokeback Mountain.
Remember Brokeback Mountain?
Now, I love Westerns.
That's my favorite genre.
Kind of like a Western for me, you know?
But Brokeback Mountain, I'll tell you something.
If that wasn't the goddamn Western.
A Western is a genre that has certain rules that must be strictly adhered to.
And Brokeback Mountain, you can't just put a couple of, like, hats on the guys
and call it Western.
A Western is the sheriff.
The guy's coming back.
He got out of jail.
He's on his way.
The sheriff is scared, but he's the sheriff.
And the townsfolk, well, maybe they'll be behind, I don't know.
Albert, a blacksmith, he put a horse and wagon on back.
Just in case, he said, you know?
There's no shame to a sheriff, he says.
And then you go, what's going to happen?
You know, what's going to happen?
That's a Western, you know?
You know, what a Western is not.
It's two super hot guys.
Fuckin' it.
That's not a Western.
You know, when I see a Western, you see, you know, John Wayne.
That's the prototypical Western, you know?
Pick it up, Liberty.
That's a Western.
That's a Western.
I'll pick it up.
People shootin' each other over a piece of meat.
That's a Western.
I'm your huckleberry.
That's a Western.
But what is not a Western, is a close-up of a beautiful, shiny, hot red, hot
cat, person, and beautiful asshole.
And when Westerns come to the big screen, that's why I was so excited about Brokeback
Men.
They hardly ever come to the big screen because they say, you know, Western's
dead, Western's never dead.
They always come back, you know what I'm saying, always, and that's why I
always, whenever it's in the theater, I like watching Westerns in the theater,
and a guy with a black hat, he's standing, he's bowling about 40 yards from the
guy with a white hat there.
But one guy is not going to be after, you know, smoke clears only one man
standing, you know that.
So you go, come on, Sheriff, come on, that's what I like to be.
I like to be at the back of the theater.
Come on, Sheriff, come on, man.
Last thing I want to be at the back of the theater, fucking whacking out the
shit.
Jizz all over his fucking fucking shit.
Cubs of jizz all over his head.
And that man's a freak.
I like to talk about homofobia, you guys, more than a fucking freak.
You should be in a job, the fucking job.
You guys, a guy can be so insecure about his sexuality.
But just the fact that I jizzed all over his face.
I'm just having these questions, you know what I mean?
I think we all know that Frank is a little bit.
Artie rules.
Artie, yeah, he's a good guy.
You talking about Artie, though?
I'm a little worried about him, but, you know, he's doing all right with me.
But, you know, everybody got their demons to fight, you know what I mean?
And in Artie's case, this had heroin and alcohol stuff.
Everybody, though, you know.
Hey, what about me?
I got demons.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you the demons I'm fighting.
Maybe I'm not, like anything Artie's.
I have literal demons.
Sam and Ralph.
Sam ain't so bad.
He shoves bucketfuls of coal out my ass.
But this Frank guy was, God damn it, isn't he, Frank?
He has one of these trinets.
You know, he's a fucking frog, you know?
He's a fucking trinet.
And they're honest, pretending they know the devil.
They don't know the devil.
They don't know the devil.
Oh, these guys are real long-run demons.
They don't know the devil.
Yeah, what can I do?
He's a good Christian.
Get thee behind me, sing.
Get thee behind me in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.
In Nazarene.
I'm a follower of the Nazarene.
Any Christians?
Yeah?
I'm a follower of the Nazarene.
Everybody was Christian.
You don't even have to ask.
Does everybody be Christian?
Nowadays, I tell people I'm Christian,
and I think they think I'm telling them I'm a retard.
But that's the way it goes.
It goes as it ebbs and flows.
I know a guy.
You mean, you know this guy?
You know Bill Maher?
The comedian Bill Maher?
He thinks I'm a fucking retard.
And he can't, he made a movie, you know, about religion and stuff.
But he can't.
You know, I'm talking about four.
He's a nightclub guy, you know, like me.
Are we talking about this?
That's what we do for a living.
And so I was talking about four years ago.
He said, hey, man, I'm making a movie.
So I said, oh, what's it about?
I said, do you go to the moon?
And then when you get there,
is everybody there is a woman?
He's like, no, no.
I said, oh.
I said, this is a movie where I beg you.
Maybe you're a kid who never grew up, you know.
And you're like, but your father, he has a big business and stuff.
And you guys, you have to take over the business.
You know, good.
You know, is that kind of a captain?
He's like, no.
I'm like, well, what the fuck's your mother?
He's like, oh, my movie is that I prove God does not exist.
So I said, come on.
It's perfect.
What better movie for a nightclub comic to make?
Apparently, Bill Maher, you know, when he had time there,
apart from his smoking pot and being with whores on the table,
he was an amateur theologian, ain't he?
And figured out the question that's plagued mankind.
Who knows?
Nobody knows.
This is the thing.
This is why I tell you the reason I believe.
This is the reason.
It's because you've got to look at the evidence.
You know, that's what you have to look at.
Now, so you go, hey, what's the evidence that God exists?
Zero.
But then you've got to say, what's the evidence that God does not exist?
Zero.
None.
So, now you're in a fucking pickle.
Plus, one of them for sure is true.
All you can do at this point is hazard a wild kiss.
That's all it's left.
Evidence is non-existent on both sides.
So, what I do, just like when I'm shopping, I look at both sides.
I go, what you got?
And I go, I got, my thing is, when you die, you go up on a cow, play a harp.
I go, god damn, I like to play a harp.
How about you?
They put you in the earth and they put some dirt on you.
I'm going to die this guy for saying, what about you?
You got anything else of yours?
Yes, your loved ones love you to meet you when you die.
Don't kill him.
Yeah.
And your dog.
What, Berkey?
You want to use a kid?
Is that what Berkey?
Yeah, Berkey will be there.
Holy man, I love Berkey.
Hey, is Berkey going to be there when you're back?
Nah, just dirt.
That's all you do it?
I'm going with this guy.
All right.
Also, I would not put that in your pamphlets.
I guess that's why you don't see an atheist, like, on the side of the street,
like,
yeah, nothing means anything.
I'm just going to sit or die.
But I understand, because people, I think with Bill Meyer, you can't see the
forest for the trees.
He's, man, he gets all confused about God, and he starts talking about people.
You know, people, they'll do anything.
Like, so a priest will fuck that kid.
They love fucking people.
They don't have nothing to do with God.
That's just a guy, God.
You don't have to do a black thing, and then you've got a white thing over here.
You don't think for a second God is telling him to do that.
No.
God doesn't care for that.
I don't care for that.
I think God is much nicer to come up every day.
But I think that's what's going to do with Christianity, you know?
Like evangelists, some people, you know, I don't really align myself with any
evangelists,
but I've got a pastor where I live, and he does good work, and he's a good man,
you know?
But evangelists, I don't like them, you know?
Because, man, sometimes I see them, it doesn't even seem to be about the Bible.
I see them, they'll be just standing in front of a building or something, going,
Hey, uh, you got 20 bucks?
I'm building something, you'll run out of money.
Bigger than a guy, oh, God, man, you know how things are.
Overruns and stuff, you know?
20 bucks or 10 bucks.
Basically panhandlers.
It's a very well-spoken, very good speaker.
Five bucks.
Five bucks.
Seriously?
I think I could divide by two.
Up to five bucks, then it gets tricky.
Then it's not such an exponential wizard.
Anyways, I got, like, a little bit of, you know, I still, listen, man, I'm not,
I'm not saying I'm fishing, I'm not saying I'm better than him, but this, first
of all,
the worst thing about being Christian is you got to try to talk other people
into being Christian, and, uh, that's not my fucking, I would, I'd rather be up
in heaven playing a harp watching somebody getting raped by the devil.
I think it would be more fun to see my friends being raped by the devil.
I don't think they're running through it, and so, uh, after a while, people
stop inviting me to parties.
That's what happens when I do.
So, I kind of, I'm a lapsed Christian in that way, and then I don't realize I
do what I should do, which is, you know, blow up abortion clinics.
That's what happens when I do. So, I kind o