Name: Norm Macdonald Live In Portland - 7/15/2017
Uploaded: 2021-10-02T04:50:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Portland - 7/15/2017' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Portland - 7/15/2017' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-02. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live In Portland - 7/15/2017

Biggest special on Netflix right now, if you haven't seen it, you know it from
dozens of movies, Saturday Night Live, Norm MacDonald, everyone, Norm MacDonald.
Hey, I'm Chris B. I love Portland. I've been here a lot of times. I love it. I
love it. I love it.
I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.
I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.
And I know it's like everybody's white. I say to the driver, it's not that hard
to be a liberal when there's no black people.
And then the driver goes, he goes, we got our share.
I was in Las Vegas. I came from here from Las Vegas to Nevada when I went to
Florida.
And I was not my... I actually said this, and it kind of shocked me after,
immediately after.
And I went to... I went down... Oh, first I went down in the elevator, and
there was a guy...
You know people come to Las Vegas, and they have systems. They come up with a
system.
And sometimes, the system doesn't work out.
And I believe I witnessed a broken system.
There was a guy in the elevator with his wife, and the guy turns to his wife
and was like,
"I don't give a fuck what I said. Give me the money."
But this is what I did.
I went to the roulette table, and...
You know how roulette works?
I don't know how roulette works.
And so, uh, I bet, uh...
I don't know anything, but I was just walking by...
So I put $200 on red, right?
And it lands on black, and I go, "Ah! Fuck! I almost picked that!"
First instinct, I gotta stop over-thinking this.
I'm having bikes to leave.
I'm having bikes to leave.
I'm having bikes to leave.
Because, three weeks ago, I was like, sneezed into the bike.
And then I went on, and I had to go to bed for 10 days.
And then I went on, and I had to go to bed for 10 days.
I was like, "I'm very weak."
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I don't understand this medical.
I'm trying to go to bed for 10 days.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I'm very weak.
I don't understand this medical.
I'm trying to get...
He taught me at any point in my life I was more virus than hosts.
He's a cruel guy, this guy.
He's a dumb cat.
This is my brother.
He put a...
He said, "I'm going to work on my weight."
He's like, "Don't worry, you know.
I'm going to just get a hold of you."
He's like, "I'll check."
He goes, "I'm going to open your mouth and say oink."
I'm like, "Come on!"
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
That's not happening.
I don't like GP.
My doctor's like, let's say I got a foot.
My foot hurts or some shit.
I don't understand why I got to go to a doctor on my foot hurts.
Then he goes, "I'm going to send you to a foot doctor."
I'm like, "Yeah."
I'm like, "Yeah."
I'm like, "Yeah."
I'll just pay Henry and Eddie $80 on the way out.
I'll pay Henry and Eddie.
But I'm never, if anything has come from it, just a regular doctor checking me
like that.
He's like, "Man, I'm a bit of a hypochondriac."
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac.
Oh my gosh.
Now I'm going to hit your knee with a hammer.
From the old days.
The curtains and the guys.
And they still do it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
Why?
You hit your knee with a hammer.
You're like, ah!
I don't know if I can explain it.
I'm like, excellence!
I don't know if I can explain it to you.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it to you.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
I don't know if I can explain it.
Yes, students, I am the doctor.
It's the head of all of you guys.
Listen.
Today is the day we pick specialties.
I don't know if there's so many of us.
Wonderful locations.
What about, hey, what about
a heart doctor, huh?
What about that?
You'll hold like a man's beating hearty.
A heart!
Synonymous with soul and mind.
The heart!
Here you hold it.
What God's like.
What do you want, Stevenson?
I was wondering,
I was thinking about that heart thing.
I was thinking maybe I'd take that.
Do I get to look up a guy's asshole?
What?
Brain surgeon.
What about that?
How about that?
The brain surgeon.
What is it, Stevenson?
What is it, Stevenson?
No.
The brain surgeon thing.
I was thinking about that.
Now, let me ask you a question.
Asshole!
You know, like, goes up your ass and you're so afraid, you know? And then as
soon as he does it, you go, I'm good, isn't it? I mean, I loved it, but I wasn't
that bad.
You're right. Did you ever have a call? I don't know anything about it. I like
to not know about any of these things, but it takes away the history.
I don't know what you tell me about it. I don't know how it actually works.
It'd be hard to have sex of any kind if you didn't have the actual sex.
I'll tell you this because I'm not married at Easter, and there comes a time,
and you're, first of all, I got married, I didn't know this, God shows up.
Like, I thought that was a lady, like, you know, dressed with these of them.
You go there, and then the guy goes, "By the way, you know God shows up to this,
right?" I'm like, "Oh."
And then, the guy's like, "Do you promise to take care of her in sickness and
in health?" I go, "Sickness?"
Oh, that's never occurred again. It's all right to you, that's it.
You promise you will love her forever. Here's the problem with that question. I
can't predict the future.
I can't predict the future. I can't predict the future. I can't predict the
future. There's extremely deep in California. I promise.
I can't predict the future. I can't predict the future. I can't predict the
future. I can't predict the future.
You know, the thing about that, that's a two-hole. At some point, you know,
like with Caitlyn Jenner.
I think it's amazing what Caitlyn Jenner did, you know. First of all, she won
the decathlon in 1970.
But the world's greatest athlete was a lady. It was astonishing.
But nobody knew at the time, but now she didn't lie at all the time.
But then, when she won the thing, that's when she should have said, "I'm a lady."
You know what they did? That gold medal in her number of choosing tits.
At that point, she said, "I'm a lady." People go, "God damn!"
If that would have helped, they all had to eat the cheese.
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