Name: Norm Macdonald Live @ Lumiere Casino, St Louis (6/6/15 9pm Late Show)
Uploaded: 2021-10-03T02:46:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live @ Lumiere Casino, St Louis (6/6/15 9pm Late Show)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live @ Lumiere Casino, St Louis (6/6/15 9pm Late Show)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-03. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live @ Lumiere Casino, St Louis (6/6/15 9pm Late Show)

I go back a long way back up in Canada 30 years ago so obviously he did way
better than I did but you've seen him on Saturday Night Live you see him on
movies ladies and gentlemen please welcome Norm Macdonald
he was the guy who there were people talking behind us
he was just standing right there five seconds or ten seconds ago
you guys very religious how many people are conservative versus liberal here
very
conservative oh yeah let's fight about it
you ever have a nightmare and you wake up and things are even worse
you gotta look for the moment though that's I remember my my my mother sat us
down when we were kids said kids your father has Alzheimer's and we were like
mom you tell us this every day
what else is he still in the middle is he there
he's here ladies and gentlemen I feel like I've been here before you ever get
deja vu
ladies and gentlemen please welcome Norm Macdonald
you're okay you're all right you're okay that's fantasy there that's fantasy
there that's fantasy there that's damn damn
I got a cold or something but fuck it man I'll get through it
if fucking Serena Williams get through it I can get through it
but I might have something
I'm already hear that I'm an old man when you get something you go god damn
that might be something
you know when you're a kid you get something you go this is nothing
you know when you get something you go that might be something you go god damn
I think that might be something
hey do you guys have any clean ice bathers
yeah I like swallowing I don't know if that's good
but if you got anybody back there
you got like a box of the Kleenex or something
oh god damn
get old you know it's different you're young
you know what I mean
young people think about a child
when they're you're so when you're fuck four or something like that
you can fucking lose a tooth and another tooth will come
you know what the fuck
and now if you lose a tooth you know me I drink super for a while
but you know when you're older listen I've seen more sunsets than I'm going to
see let's be honest
you get older you get worried you're young you don't think about this shit
but some of you guys you know about my I'm two score and eleven
I'm 51 but I like to sound like a rumbly
but I'm at the age that I worry about shit that's all I'm saying
like I spend a lot of my day going my left arm feels weird
any time my left arm
oh thank you very much sir
you're a good man
give a hand give a hand give a hand just a good hand
yeah yeah now I think it's really so gross doing this too
it's like I'm gonna whack off at any point
but yeah I worry about my left arm
you know cause the thing is that you get certain things
what do you call things, symptoms
that um so like if you get real indigestion
that could be a symptom of a giant heart attack
or it could be a symptom of indigestion
so you know you could end up at the hospital, you know farting
or something like that
or dead at your place
because you didn't want to look bad
in front of the doc
I'm a little bit of a
people used to think I was a hypochondriac
thing is if you if the doctor pegs you as a hypochondriac
then he thinks nothing can happen
he thinks you're fucking invulnerable
but I get stupid though
like one time I had a pap smear
I guess I'm a little bit
I guess I'm a little bit
but um
but um
I thought that wasn't the show
I probably should have tried a big mistake
to bring out the kleenex
and try to draw us focus
but yeah
but yeah
so
you get old
and you get uh
afraid
I've realized that now
that I'm old
I'm not that old
but I'll get older
hopefully
when I was a kid
when I was a kid
all my friends and me
we'd go
we don't want to do heroin
we're not going
and then we had this thing
we'll do heroin
when we're 80
that's what we all said
back when we were young
but little did we realize
when you get 80
you fucking ain't gonna do no heroin
you're afraid of everything
because my grandpa was 80
you know
he's sitting in his chair
hey grandpa
why don't we walk
down the street to the store
no why
there's a wind
I went out yesterday
in the wind
and look at my arm
getting fucking bruised
you got bruised in the wind
I'm not doing heroin
I've decided
the big story of course
is the
Caitlyn
Caitlyn
man that's a hot piece of ass
what's he doing
I remember 1976
I'm not old
and I remember
when he won
because I'm from Quebec
he won the
decathlon
world's greatest athlete
now
that would have been
a good time
to come out
when they gave him
the gold medal
and go
by the way
I'm a lady
the world's greatest
athlete's a lady
that would have been
very good
for the feminist movement
now
when you're 60
65 years old
is there really
that much difference
between a
a 65-year-old man
and a 65-year-old woman
and a 65-year-old man
I'm not sure
the benefit
it's funny though
if you could just say
you're a woman
because that's all I have to do
there's no blood test
or anything
they just have to take your word
for it
you don't have to cut off your cock
or nothing
you say I'm a lady
and they have to believe in you
or they're bigots
so I was thinking
I would not want to be a lady
however there isn't one instance
in which I would become a lady
if I ever went to jail
like if they ever caught me
for a crime
that I committed in the past
like I don't want to tell you
about my past too much
but one time I
I guess technically I'm guilty of manslaughter
and only technically
because I slaughtered a man
and I was like
it started
this and stuff
you know
and then I ended up
like god damn
I slaughtered that
I gotta run
you know
I ran away
so don't
don't spread that around
so let's say
they catch me
some guy
go
hey that's
some motherfucker
you know
he's watching tv
or something
that's
that motherfucker
that slaughtered
my best friend
if I did
I would
and I got sentenced
for manslaughter
and the judge said
anything you'd like to say
I go
yes
I'm the lady
and then
I would get to go
to ladies jail
where I would be
enormously popular
and I was like
I said
you know
on youtube
watched
what the
operation
they do
god damn
so she said
you wanna see it
I said
I'd rather see
a fucking
ISIS video
than that
the operation
is
in its infancy
let's say
so a lot
of the ladies
don't change
they just have
cocks
when I was
like when I was
young
I thought I was
a lady
and I said
to my dad
I go
hey dad
I have
a feeling
I'm a lady
I don't know
why
something's
something on a lady
and he's like
what about your
cock
I'm like
oh yeah
I forgot
I forgot
I have a
cock
that's how angry
we were back then
we thought dudes
were gonna do
with cocks
and ladies
were people
without cocks
but
turns out
that's a
that's not
true
that's just
nonsense
thinking
from the
I think that might be scurvy
I think that might be scurvy
I'm not going to be a scurvy doctor
that'd be a good guy
I've got scurvy girl
here are some oranges
I wrote some shit on a piece of paper
but now I can't read it
I write very badly
I gotta work on my penmanship
what the fuck that should say
oh it don't matter
but I do find it strange
that he would change
his sex at 65
because I
am 51
and my
you know
cock
hardly works
I don't know
you know
I don't know
how people
sexually
like it works
but it doesn't work
like when I was 20
right
it's a young
you know
having sex to me
is a young man's name
and uh
I don't want to be
an old man
you know
trying to do a young man's job
and I don't got that
big thing
to go to him
that's the past
the present is like
you know
I'm naked
and the lady is like
what's that
that's it
it's inflated a little bit
you notice
you don't notice
and then she tries to help
and it's like
you know
it's like
bendy
it's not good
it's not good at all
for anyone
it's cram
like I'm trying to cram
you know
it shouldn't be
an easy
natural
but it's a
yeah man's game
but it's not
it's not for a
pushy one-year-old
to dabble in
I'm going to retire
if I fuck it
I decided
it's just too
it's not fun
you know what I mean
like it'd be fun
if everybody was the same
sexually
like you know what I mean
like I'll tell you
I'm not fancy
like I got no
I just
find a lady
and then
I ask
I ask
if she says yes
I'll lie down on top of her
there's no like
there's no accessories
or odd requests
sometimes there is from the lady
and I hate it
like one time I was at the lady
and she's like
yeah I bet you're like
she's so beautiful
she goes
I bet you like rough sex
and I was like
that's a biggie
all of a sudden
I'm in a fucking wrestling match
I haven't heard enough
to get an erection
you know during tax season
and then I go over in a headlock
anyways whatever
one member is like
why
why do you rape me
I'm like
well you can't
consent
to that
maybe I'll sneak up
on your week
with a lot
if you really want it
but I don't want to rape you
but I have any sense
I want to lie down
on top of you
and it's pitch black
six fucking quilts
on top of us
and then return to real life
and not mention it anymore
I've never been into the fancy stuff
I don't know
people must have like
gradually
you know what I mean
you don't just all of a sudden go
you know
I only get off
by getting my balls
whittin'
I don't even start like that
so don't go to any like thing
because it's all
it's a slippery slope
girl try to put her finger near your eyes
like
ahhh
ahhh
I'm lying on top of you
that's it
I don't know what the future are also in me
it's like when you know
I don't
that's why I think couples should just quit
you know
just retire
because you can retire from anything else
you know
from your job
you go
fuck Abernathy
they ain't gonna tell me what to do no more
never give me nothing
that motherfucker
I mean
me and Daphne
we saved up a little money
and go
to uh
the Bahamas
and lie on a
uh
one of them hammocks
I don't even know what you don't understand
or like
I played league hockey
you know
up to last year
and then I was like
fuck it
these boys
they got you know
hard by
they're hitting me hard
outskate me
never used to be able to outskate me
but I ain't got the hardships no more
busted me up
you know
I locked four in 14
so I said
so I said
fuck it
time to hang up the tacky barriers
it's a sad day
but
everybody understood
but I don't know why
people are proud
of old people
fucking
say my grandmother
and grandpa
they're 85 years old
each
and they still have
a wonderful sex life
and I go
all right
well I never want to meet them
yes you're 85
I have a hard enough time
85
you're trying to get an erection
maintain an erection
you're 85 years old
how the hell do you do that
and you know
I'll tell you something
if you're trying to maintain an erection
when you're 85 years old
you know what does not help at all
85 year old lady
that's not going to help
you stand over there
trying to figure out something
at some point
at some point
you should just go
look
I'm retiring
I'd like to thank the eight ladies
and let me lay on top of them
it was nice of them
I appreciate it
but I'm going to take up bowling
and I always wanted to learn to bowl
so um
now Ruth and I
are going to
are going to
take our bowl
retain a little of our
dignity
nothing worse
than when
sex goes bad
and then
they're trying to
go to somebody
they go
why
you should spice it up
like a marriage counselor
you ever think of
spicing it up
go
what's that
what
yes
you should role play
you know
you ever try
that
you go
ah
ah
I guess
all right
and then you're like
okay
Ruth
here we go
I'll uh
I'll be a cowboy
and uh
you be uh
just anybody other than you
I'm trying to
try to get through
this
so I can pass
the way
against the
those bridge
and
Pictionary
those other things
in life
hockey
what's your team
oh of course
of course
a great team
a great team
I picked the blues
last year
and the year before
not my team
but I thought
they were
my team is
the canadians
god damn
this is
the last couple of years
that chance
big city rangers
took my goalie out
motherfuckers
two years
ago
anyways
nobody wants to
hear about that
but it means a lot
to me
I wish I
I wish
it was much
relevant
so
ah
but you guys
needed more
because you got
the riots
and I'll actually
damn my god
