Name: Norm Macdonald Live In Las Vegas (10/5/2019)
Uploaded: 2021-10-03T05:43:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Las Vegas (10/5/2019)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Las Vegas (10/5/2019)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-03. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live In Las Vegas (10/5/2019)

I deposited a 300, but I clearly have written down that I deposited a 350.
Good luck with that, Jack.
Who wants to see the main event?
Please welcome to the stage one of the great gentlemen I've ever known, Norman
Gene MacDonald.
It would have been really depressing if you hadn't gone through that last night.
Hey, guys, how you feeling?
You all right?
Everything cool?
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
I flew in.
Fucking having this thing with going from L.A. to...
Anybody from L.A.?
Anybody go to L.A., Vegas?
Yeah, it sucks.
That motherfucking flight, because there's a lot of turbulence, you know?
And so I flew for a long time, and there was these turbulence that scared the
fuck of me.
So I said, from now on, I'm not going to ever fly.
Just drive.
I don't drive, but just get driven, you know?
So I get a buddy of mine to drive me from L.A. to Vegas, which is the most
dangerous fucking thing of all time.
So you're driving, and, you know, it's six hours, and you're behind a fucking
truckload of trembling logs in front of you, and the fucking thing's rearing,
because the guy's been having to wait 19 hours.
And you've got to go, I hope I fucking survive this pass, you know?
And then, but here's the most frightening fucking part for any of you who have
ever driven that.
You know when you're driving, and then you see tire marks going into the desert?
And there's never any coming out of the fucking desert.
There's a desert full of motherfuckers.
You said it.
You said it.
Yeah, remember?
Yeah, damn.
Three percent goddamn outside.
Oh, it still works.
Luckily, it's a, um, it's a, what's called an extra-long cigarette.
King size.
King size.
So, anyways, I love being in Vegas because I'm a fucking degenerate gambler,
and, uh...
Cocksuckers are so evil, they pay me in chips.
Cocksuckers are so evil, they pay me in one chip.
I was on the elevator.
You ever hear, like, just a snippet of a conversation, and it tells you
everything you need to know,
just from that one little snippet, you know?
Like, for instance, I'll give you an example.
Like, one time I was walking beside these, uh, these two homeless guys around
the street,
and one homeless guy says to the other, he goes,
when the fuck were you ever a goaltender for the Montreal Canadiens?
You need to hurt no fucking horse shit.
That was the last straw.
But, anyways, uh, I'm in the elevator.
Now, here's the thing.
A lot of people go to Vegas, and they go, they come with a system.
You know, they're gonna break the bank.
They're gonna, they're gonna beat the casino, you know?
So, they figure out a system.
And, uh, believe it or not, some of these systems actually don't work at all.
So, what I think I saw, just, or heard, rather, from my little snippet,
was the unravel of a system.
Because I get in the elevator, and in the elevator is a man and a woman,
and a whole bunch of tension.
So, uh...
So then, the elevator starts going down, with the four of us.
And, uh...
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the man just snaps at the woman and goes, uh...
I don't give a fuck what I said.
Give me the money.
It's my money.
I work hard for that money.
So, I feel he was calling an audible on his system.
He was gonna change his system to betting whatever he had left on red.
And then return to the system.
I bet red.
That's what I did today.
It's not much of a story, really.
This is how irrational, though, you are as a gambler.
I go to the roulette table, right?
I put $200 on red.
The fucking thing spins, and the ball lands on black.
And I say,
Fuck, I almost picked this!
And everybody at the table understood.
They're like, oh, yeah, you can't overthink it.
You know, you know anything about the game of roulette.
It's funny when you're in the middle of the night writing down, and then I
double it, and then I triple it when I lose, and then I lose again.
But I do love Las Vegas.
I did fly, it was a lot of turbulence, it's this little thing called Jet Suite,
if you guys ever want to fly.
It goes from Burbank to fucking L.A., Vegas, I mean.
It costs 120 bucks, it's a private jet, it's 120 bucks, I mean, it's not like
super fancy, but 30 people, and 120 bucks.
Why am I telling you this?
I don't know.
This is more informational than a joke, but then I get a little scared on those
little fucking airplanes,
because when little airplanes crash, they don't even, they make the newspaper.
They're so common that they don't even fucking, it's like on the scroll, like
underneath.
Now, when the big jets go down, here's a little trick with the big jets, if you
get on one of these big airplanes,
always sit in the emergency exit room, because you get a lot of extra leg room.
And all you have to do to get to sit in those seats is lie.
And so the stewardess will come up to you, or knockouts, I'm sorry, they're
flight attendants.
You've got to be very careful with words.
But I'm from a different time.
You know, when I was young, if you were a flight attendant and you were a lady,
we called you a stewardess.
And if you were a flight attendant and you were a man, we called you a, you
know, a steward.
You motherfuckers, man, I should, I should walk off this stage in disgust.
Un-fucking-believable.
What's hard with words, you know, I mean, I mean, everybody can be anything
nowadays, you know.
And I remember when my kid was little, you know, I told him, I said, you can be
anything you want, Dylan.
And he said, I want to be seven feet.
And I said, ah, let me rephrase that.
You can be one of five things.
But yeah, now you can be anything you want, man.
Now when I was a kid, when I was young, I remember one time, I went up to my
dad, right?
And I said, dad, I think I'm a little girl.
And he said, he said to me, he said, I thought you had a cock.
And I was like, oh yeah, you got to be that.
But I only say that.
I only say that to show how hateful we were back then.
Now my dad was not completely hateful.
You know, he fought Hitler.
People are complicated.
He had his good side.
He fought Hitler.
But he had his evil side, where he thought having a cock had something to do
with being a boy.
I mean, it's hard for us to even fathom such an idea today.
Back then, we were hateful.
Now, you know what?
My friend told me, he goes, you got to get woke.
You know?
Because I did not woke.
But why is it I have to believe, fucking, just because some person believes
some fucking shit.
You know what I mean?
I was talking to this lady, fucking, it was a man, whatever the fuck it was.
It was a man.
But it was clearly a lady.
So, the man says to me, because I'm Christian, the man says to me, how can you
believe in an invisible man in the sky?
I go, well, I believe you're a fucking man.
Ain't that far a fucking jump?
Shouldn't she have to believe what I say?
How dare you say, Jesus Christ?
How dare you, you fucking ignorant?
Anyways, that's the old me.
I got my woke jokes.
I wrote them on my magic phone.
I just started today.
But nothing funnier than woke jokes.
Nobody gets hurt.
Nobody laughs.
God damn it, where are my fucking excellent woke jokes?
Fuck you, I can't turn my god damn, you know that, whatever.
I have notes on my magic phone and I write them down.
Maybe I can just remember it off the top of my head.
Here it is.
First of all, with woke jokes, you gotta remember one thing.
They're not funny.
But they're important.
And they're said with a great deal of either anger or, you know.
So here it is.
Hey!
Listen, I don't know what's happening to us as Americans,
but there's some things that are happening that are wrong.
And not who we are as Americans.
Now, you take the southern border.
And what's happening at the southern border?
Well, that is not who we are as America.
You know, you may not know this,
but there at the southern border right now,
today, there are children as young as two or three years old
that are being separated from the people that bought them from the parents.
Or the cartel or whatever.
And the kid gets through,
and then the cartel guy can't get through.
And a deal's a deal.
That's not who we are as Americans.
Ripped from the arms.
I don't think they do that every time, by the way.
You know what journalists use is to say,
and then they take the...
And now it's like,
I rip!
Is that a baby in your arms?
I'm like, rip that baby out,
and then we'll throw it over there.
Is that actually what any retard believes happens?
Oh, that's another thing I'm not supposed to say.
I got in trouble, I said retard.
But anyway, I got in trouble for everything.
Like, I said retard, man.
So, anyway, I got this reviewer guy all mad at me.
He said, fucking Norm said retard.
He goes, and the reviewer said,
I mean, this just shows how stupid Norm is.
And then I said to myself,
hey, what about the stupid people?
It's not their fault.
They're stupid.
This guy's insulting.
I'm fucking all stupid people.
I guess you're allowed to insult stupid people.
Unless they're real stupid,
and they're retards.
I don't get it.
You tell me the rules,
and I'll do my best.
And context means something.
Right?
Apparently not.
Like, I remember when I said retard in my act,
because I remember the joke.
And here was the context.
You tell me if this makes any difference.
The context of me using the word retard was,
I love retards.
Is that hate speech?
Can that possibly be defined as hate speech?
I'll tell you a precise thing I said.
I said that because of the reason is I do love retards.
And I also, I use the word retard because it's just,
I know what it means.
It means arrested in your development,
sometimes retarded.
Stop, slow down, you know?
I could say down syndrome, but then I'd be worried people think I'm a fucking
doctor or something.
And they'd want me to hit their knee with a hammer or something.
I don't got time for that.
By the way, why do they still do that?
What the fuck?
We're retarded, aren't we?
Like, you go to a doctor and he goes,
okay, I'm going to hit your knee with a hammer now.
You're like, okay, excellent.
Good idea.
Then he hits your knee with a hammer.
You're like, ah, my knee!
And he's like, excellent.
He writes it down if he's a favorite.
He's like, that's exactly how you're supposed to react when struck on the knee
by a hammer.
Good, good.
You're not paralyzed.
That's good.
We can check that one.
But anyway, so that's why I don't say down syndrome.
I say retarded.
So, I love retards.
And this is the reason.
I had a retard that lived three, three, I live in an apartment.
So three apartments away from me, there was this retard.
He was, I think he was like 22 years old, lived with his parents.
And I was trying to become his friend, and his parents wanted nothing to do
with that.
For obvious reasons.
Because we live in this cynical world where, I didn't want to fuck him.
What I wanted is, I thought some of his happiness would wear off.
Because see, retards are happy.
That's why I envy them so much.
That's why I love them.
I mean, god damn, if there was like an injection of retard juice I could take,
I'll take it in a second.
Because it's happiness.
That's all we want, right?
What do we want other than to be happy?
And how often are we happy?
You know?
Once or twice.
I mean, not in your life, but you know.
Like, I'm happy when I wake up.
I think it's because that's when there's all the hope.
You know what I mean?
I think that's when I'm happy.
As I wake up, I'm like, ah, god damn.
I'm glad I bought that Tempur-Pedic pillow.
God damn, that was the best purchase of my life.
But then, that doesn't last long because the light comes in and then, you know,
kind of your life comes in and gets all over you like a fucking spider web or
something.
You're like, yeah, what the fuck?
What the fuck happened to me?
Well, you ever look in the mirror?
I'm not talking physically.
I mean, like, like, late at night or something.
You have you turn the light on, you look in the mirror, you go, ah!
What became of me?
I used to be a nice fella.
And at that point, I'd like to have a retarded friend.
And he'd go, hey, I like bananas.
I go, yeah, me too.
God 