Name: Norm Macdonald Live in Washington DC (3/21/19)
Uploaded: 2021-10-03T10:18:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Washington DC (3/21/19)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Washington DC (3/21/19)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-03. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live in Washington DC (3/21/19)

Our next guest, Norm and I go back a long way. We started around the same time
up in Canada and obviously he's doing way better.
But, you know, I remember one of the first times I ever saw him on stage, like
he was brilliant right from the very, very beginning. Amazing.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Norm MacDonald.
What Norm does is he goes to the bathroom right before I go out.
So it's me again.
It's like sex is over and you're still here.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Everything's good.
Everything's good.
Everything's good.
Steve is right.
If somebody's waiting for a show, I go, um, um, um, goddammit, my cock is full
of piss.
I go, I don't want to go out for an hour and my cock is full of piss.
I go, I don't want to go out for a show.
I don't want to go out for a show.
I don't want to go out for a show.
I don't want to go out for a show.
I don't want to go out for a show.
I don't want to go out for a show.
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I don't want to go out for a show.
I don't want to go out for a show.
I don't want to go out for a show.
I don't want to go out for a show.
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I feel like I'll say, "Yeah, he had the right idea."
No question about that.
I came here a lot from Las Vegas, Nevada.
This place is irrational.
You know what I mean?
It's such an irrational place.
That's what's odd about it.
So I was on that elevator.
I'm going to slow down a little later.
Everybody probably thinks I'm on coke.
Because I am on cocaine.
So I don't blame you for thinking I'm on coke.
I don't know if you've ever caught a whole...
Like you just hear a snippet of a conversation, man.
It gives you a whole, you know, what's happened, what's going on.
You know what I mean?
A great deal goes on.
But you're just hearing a little tiny snippet.
So I was on this...
I'll give you an example.
Like one time, I was wagging past two homeless guys.
One homeless guy says to the other homeless guy, he goes,
"What in the fuck did you ever play goalie for the Montreal Canadiens?"
And I was like, I know.
He'd had enough of this horse shit.
You know, he wasn't going to stand for it.
You ever have guys that just lie?
You ever know guys like that?
They just fucking...
What do you call them?
Congenital or not congenital?
They can't help themselves.
They're pathological liars.
And everybody's been wanting to...
You know, they say things so fucking outrageous.
And then you're embarrassed.
They should be embarrassed.
You're embarrassed.
You know?
Because you have to go...
You can agree with them.
And so one time I was washing dishes.
I had a job washing dishes at the Old Spaghetti Factory,
which was fun.
It's a great restaurant if you like Old Spaghetti.
So...
Especially from a factory.
You know, I like from a factory?
Oh, my God.
So I'm washing dishes.
The guy next to me is washing dishes.
And I say to him, "Hey."
I was a Tobacco guy in Canada.
So I said, "Hey, Springsteen, Bruce Springsteen,
came to Toronto on the weekend."
And this guy goes, "Yeah, I partied with him."
And I'm like, "Oh, yeah."
And he goes, "You can ask my brother."
That's his fucking thing, you know?
Like, now I'm gonna phone his family member.
You know what I mean?
Like, what the fuck?
I'm just a guy washing dishes.
I'm like, "Yeah."
And listen, man.
Is this Tony's brother?
Hey, man.
I wash dishes with him.
He washes dishes, and I wash dishes beside him.
And he just wanted to confirm some outlandish fucking horse shit.
And he told me that you're the guy.
Anyway, none of this has anything to do with anything.
It's not that anything ever will.
But what does that fucking tell me?
Oh, yeah.
It's like a snippet of conversation, right?
So I'm in the elevator in the casino in Las Vegas, and I'm going down to the
floor.
Now, in Las Vegas, people go to Las Vegas all the time, and they go there with
systems.
You know?
They're gonna break the bank.
They're gonna beat the casino, you know?
And sometimes, these systems actually don't work at all.
I believe that I, just by a snippet of conversation, was witnessing the unravel
of the system.
Because there was a guy, and what I presume was his wife, and they were
standing there.
And the guy turns to what I presume was his wife, and he says to her, he says,
"I don't give a fuck what I said. Give me the money."
Like that.
I said, "I don't want to do this."
He had a system that wasn't working out, and he was calling out.
He was gonna change the system to taking off the rest of his money and betting
it on red.
And then winning that, and then returning to the system.
I bet on red.
This, again, shows the rationality of gambling.
I went to the floor, you know, the pits they got, and I walked by the roulette
table.
I put $200 on black, and it rolled, and the silver number landed on red.
And then I said, "Fuck, I almost picked that."
And everyone understood.
They're like, "Yeah, you can't overthink it."
If you know anything about the game of roulette, you go to the first instinct.
Everybody says, "They're lucky in casinos."
I was like, "What the fuck? Come on, who the fuck's lucky?"
When it's lucky, and they're like, "I'm really lucky."
And then they're really stupid girls with big tits.
You're like, "Oh, you're lucky?"
I wonder how that happened.
You say it won, but the other, wait, the other didn't come out loud.
That one's a fucking puzzler.
Hey, what about this?
Their crazy slogan, you know, every city has a slogan, so their slogan is,
"Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."
And other places, you know, we'll have like, like, you know, if it's Atlanta,
Georgia,
their city slogan is like, "Hey, you like peaches?"
We have nice baskets of peaches, and you're happy, you know?
Virginians for lovers, you know, things like that.
But in Vegas, it's like, "Hey, listen."
And it's not actually real.
It's not like you can kill someone in Vegas and hit the road, you know?
They'll find you, they'll bring you back, they'll arrest you,
they'll fingerprint you, they'll cuff you, you know?
They'll, uh, put you in front of a jury of your peers.
I was trying to think, "What's the real mean? What do you really mean?"
You know?
I said, "What does that really mean?" You know?
"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?"
So I thought about it for a long time, I pondered, I ruminated, you know?
And finally, I come up with this, this is what it really means.
You can go to Las Vegas, have sex with a prostitute, and she won't tell your
wife back home where you live.
That's the very discreet, the, uh, Las Vegas prostitutes.
Not like those small, tab, blabbermouth whores and that kind of mess, you know?
That's fuckin' gossipy.
Down in the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over there, half of it.
You're Angus McGregor's wife, oh my god, small world.
He took a shit on me last night.
Exchanged her cash.
Small world.
Hey.
It's funny people say small world, but they almost, they almost never say it.
It's almost never applicable because it's not true.
You know what I mean?
It's like you meet a guy, you're in Paris or some fuckin' thing.
You go, "Hey, I'm from Madison, Wisconsin."
"Hey, I'm from Madison, Wisconsin."
"Oh, small world, but it doesn't have an M."
You know?
It's usually like, "Uh, hey, uh, I'm from Madison, Wisconsin."
"What about you?"
"I'm from here, France."
Wow, that's a fuckin' big world, man.
A giant globe we live on.
Large, big, very large.
People hardly have to come in contact with each other as it happens.
And I took an airplane here.
It was scary because there was turbulence, you know?
And I don't know if you like turbulence.
So the front lights turbulence on the plane, what kind of question is that?
I'm a retardant.
I gotta get myself together.
Nobody likes turbulence on planes, of course.
I get afraid.
I get scared, you know what I mean?
I get skeered.
I try to do the best that I can.
Like, I, um, oh, here's the thing.
I listen, I do