Name: Norm Macdonald Interview 2010 (93.3 - Arizona)
Uploaded: 2021-10-03T23:18:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Interview 2010 (93.3 - Arizona)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Interview 2010 (93.3 - Arizona)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-03. Transcript available.

For the show at the Tempe Improv, Norm Macdonald!
Alright, Norm Macdonald!
How you doing?
What's going on, baby?
Hey, we're just doing a little radio show here.
Yeah, let's do radio and talk about the local news.
Do you want to do that?
Yeah, I see tigers in the news.
I'm just looking at the TV.
Is he real local?
You tell me the local news.
I'll tell you the local news.
A guy from Tempe, from ASU,
who won Big Brother 12.
Did you watch Big Brother at all or no?
Big Brother?
I watched the first nine seasons were excellent.
Then I felt it slipped.
It's slipping.
I feel it slipping.
What happened?
The year Barry won.
You know the guy's name?
Yeah, you don't remember Barry.
No, I don't.
I don't even remember who won the Super Bowl four years ago.
I see these reality shows and they go,
"Next, tonight, watch what happens
when Harry tries to get across the rope.
I'd rather watch a real sport
where I know the rules."
Then they go,
"The guy was a good player.
You've got to give that to him."
Like there was a game.
He goes, "He was good because he'd lie
behind other people's back."
He was a good player.
He turned out he didn't like him in the first place.
They found that out come voting dead.
I have Lou Diamond Phillips here for you today, by the way.
Or the kid from Independence Day.
Lou Diamond Phillips.
Hippie down.
Lou Diamond Phillips lost a lady to another lady.
Remember that story?
That's right.
He did.
His wife left him for a woman.
His wife left him for a woman.
Probably better than leaving you for a guy
because they left you for a guy.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, they're measuring you up.
What do they have that you don't?
You can't say that about a lady.
Right.
What does she have that I don't?
Oh, I guess everything.
Everything that's good that you like.
Okay, well I understand.
Have you ever had a threesome?
No.
No.
All those years on SNL and everything.
I've had a twosome.
Yeah.
Me and another lady and then I
talk her into letting me lie down on top of her.
She agrees.
That's a good name.
Anyways.
I've had a lot of onesomes.
That's what I'm having right now.
I just moved here.
I just whooped you watch.
I'm counting everything.
Even if I hadn't been in a relationship,
my onesomes are more than my twosomes.
My threesomes never have.
Anything more than that is life.
You know, if you have five or six people,
you spend most of your life not trying to have five or six people around you,
let alone in your bedroom.
Whatever.
I just peaked inside the brain of Norm MacDonald.
No, this is what it's like.
I don't want a whole bunch of people.
I figure if I was with five women,
it would just be like being with one super heavy lady.
I wouldn't care for it too much.
All right.
Norm MacDonald, the 10 p.m. problem.
A guy was buried at sea.
I don't know where you want to be buried.
A guy was buried at sea?
Right.
But he floated.
And he wouldn't sink.
I didn't know what to do.
And the body just kind of floated away.
That's a great story.
It's a great story.
I'm a slow news day.
Well, burying at sea, the problem is...
Slow news day.
The problem with burying at sea is the ocean,
when you try to shovel it,
it never seems to get a hole going.
It's very hard to get a hole going.
That's my shit, burying at sea joke.
It was funny.
But I always have it in my back pocket.
I thought about being buried at sea
because I thought it would be a cool way.
Because people go like,
"Oh, how could you be, you know, whatever,
burned or something,"
or whatever they decide to kill you.
You know, it's much more weird to go,
"How can you bury you under the ground?"
And then it's crazy if stuff happens
and you're a monster, you know.
You turn into a skeleton monster.
So, I was thinking of Burial at Sea
because they throw you over
and a whole bunch of sharks
all attack you and eat you.
Uh-huh.
But you don't care because you're dead.
Right.
Well, they got to eat too, right?
But it's super dramatic.
You know, it looks dramatic
if you film it and stuff.
You go, "This is the last shot of Dad.
He was fighting sharks.
He was dead."
That would look much better than just a guy.
They tell you with sharks,
if you punch them in the nose,
that's a good thing.
Yeah.
There was a guy that wrestled a shark in Florida.
Yeah.
The surfer.
He wrestled him?
Yeah.
Well, I guess that's what I'd do, too.
Would you give up?
You'd do something.
You'd just immediately give up.
You'd probably wrestle them unsuccessfully.
Until you got them in a headlock.
I realized their razor-sharp teeth is while you were headlocking.
It's the other face.
Here's the thing.
They tell you on these, like I'll say, if you're in a, if a bear comes out, you
know,
pretend, don't be scared.
You know, just pretend to be dead.
Lie down.
Like, it's ever easy to pretend you'd be dead anyway.
Yeah?
But if a bear is sniffing you, a hungry bear, you're supposed to be such a
method actor that
would pretend to be sleeping or dead and relaxed.
So, of course, you'd be shivering and shaking and defecating.
You'd better sense that.
It's always on the brighter side.
You'll never see a bear ever.
That's always the good ending of that story.
With a shark.
I think that's not true, though.
Every time you always hear a bear, like, running in the city and, like,
attacking people.
So, what if that happens?
You'd never hear that story.
No, listen.
Every city has its bear problems.
All right, what are we going to do about this bear problem?
Enough is enough.
I heard you outside saying something about you had to be hypnotized to quit
smoking.
You still smoke?
No, I said that I didn't get hypnotized because a guy told me, I got hypnotized
and it worked.
And I said, I would rather have free will.
I would rather, I'd rather not go, I, uh, I'm very susceptible.
That's the good thing.
That's what I found out about myself.
A guy can just tell me.
And I want to smoke, but I don't because the other guy told me.
Then I would be terrified to go through life.
So, I don't like being, I wouldn't want to be hypnotized.
I don't think it's real.
I'd rather make my own decisions.
Yeah, I don't think it's real either.
I don't think it's real either.
I don't know.
And I was mentioning that when I was young, I saw Ravine the Impossiblist.
He made people, uh, one person think he was a chicken.
Another person think he spoke Martian.
Anyway, so I saw the guy afterwards and, uh, he was the chicken.
And I remember because I was in the audience, my brother, I was 14, he was
running around.
He was, uh, pecking.
He was pecking a lot.
And, like, acting like a chicken.
So, I saw him after the show, and we were in the parking lot.
And I said, "Hey, that's a guy after my brother, you know?"
So, I said to the guy, "What did it feel like being a chicken?"
Like the guy hypnotizing him being a chicken.
And he goes, "It was cool!"
And then I'm thinking about it, I was like, if it was real, you go, "Hey, how's
that, man?"
When you thought you were a chicken, you go, "I don't know, I thought it was a
chicken.
I gotta go home, think about this."
And then he would go into therapy, obviously.
Because he had a psychotic break from the world for 10 minutes when he was
convinced he was a chicken.
You'd start thinking about everything differently immediately.
You wouldn't go, "That was cool!"
Oh, yeah.
Norm MacDonald!
Thank you, Norm, for stopping by the Tempe Improv.
Well, that was fun, man.