Name: Norm Macdonald's 2nd Last Stand Up Show (March 7th 2020)
Uploaded: 2021-10-04T21:45:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's 2nd Last Stand Up Show (March 7th 2020)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's 2nd Last Stand Up Show (March 7th 2020)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-04. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald's 2nd Last Stand Up Show (March 7th 2020)

Hello?
You know, you grow up and it's funny you go through so many stages of life
I realize now that I'm an old man, you know?
When you're young, you go, "Oh man, you know what made me happy?"
Get a girl, you know, some hot girl or something
and lie down on top of her, you know?
And then you get older and you go, "You know what, my child, man, one of my
child
that's made me happy, my child just grows up and has a good life and some of
that."
And then you go, "You know what made me happy?
Not getting the coronavirus in time.
In the next four or five days."
Just give me a couple of weeks, a couple of months, you know, I've been happy
with that.
I'm driving here, man. I'm going back here. I'm moving back.
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
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I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
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I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
I'm going to go, "Woo!"
You know, here's the thing, man.
When you get old, you get fucking scared of dying.
I'm not kidding you.
That's all you can think about.
Like, every day, I check out the status of my left arm.
That's about all I know about doctors.
Like, if my left arm feels weird,
that means I'm going to have a massive heart attack
five minutes from now.
And yet, if you phone 9-1-1 and go, "My arm feels weird.
They hang up."
So, who knows?
I don't fucking know.
I know.
I go to doctors.
You know, I like doctors.
People think I'm like a hypochondriac.
You know, doctors...
I think doctors are a small group.
They talk to each other.
And then, word got out that it's a hypochondriac.
Because I do go to doctors.
I have one time...
I know where it started.
I got a pad to smear once.
And, uh, what the fuck?
Who cares?
You guys smeared my pad.
It wasn't a doctor.
It wasn't a doctor.
It was a guy.
I met in Chinatown.
China.
I gotta stop saying China.
Even though, as far as racial evidence goes,
I feel "Chinaman" is probably the least offensive ever.
Man from China.
It's hard to get that fucking worked up.
It's hard to get it worked up about anything
now that we're all gonna die in two weeks.
Who gives a fuck anymore about LGBT?
Woo!
I didn't even care about the coronavirus two weeks ago.
But, when I was in China, it was funny.
You know, people get outraged.
I'm outraged.
I'm like, fuck, I wish I could be.
Like, what is that guy?
You're a grown person.
You think I'm gonna be offended by anything some fucking dude says?
Goddamn, I want to shoot the fucking blood and bones in New York City.
I ate 58 yesterday.
People say, "Why ain't you 35?"
I said, "Well, if you just need my nice round number."
Now, that's not true.
I ate 58.
This is my...
My stomach has become distended
by the deadly virus coursing through my hands.
I don't...
Listen, I don't pretend to understand medical gobbleding here,
but...
This doctor today told me I'm more virus than host.
What does that mean?
What does that even mean?
What is that?
I'm getting ready.
I got...
I'm buying spam and shit.
I got a whole bunch of canned carrots.
But it goes beyond that.
You got to really prepare.
You got to...
I got a room and it's got a lock on it.
You got the spam and firearms.
Got a lot of shotguns and shit.
And I'll put a fucking hole through my son's belly.
I don't give a shit.
I think I'm straight down to it.
I suddenly realized what I really care about.
Only me.
So anyway, go find your own spam.
If anything happens, I don't give a name of me.
I don't give a name of me.
got the spam and uh firearms got a lot of shotguns and i'll put a hole through
my son's belly i don't
give a shit it comes right down to it i suddenly realized what i really care
about only me
so anyway go find your own spam if anything happens
i was in las vegas just before i came back in the old days
and i was a gambler i'm a degenerate gambler and in vegas they take you know
they take advantage of
me they all the panian chips i'm like come on guys sometimes one chip is a big
chip i like going to
casino because here's the thing i don't like fucking a squeezy vagus you know i
don't like
to lose my money to these motherfuckers you know corporations indian casinos i
like because i
feel like giving back for you know listen i cathodically murdered their people
what do you like
let's look it back it's way out of line you know what i mean when i talk about
it what was i think
that was it that's an error of rejection
anyways i'm i'm square they told me last week
square for a lot of you guys i did my share
oh lord god but i'll tell you this this is from the heart i don't have the
heart letter
cancer of the heart i heard you could get that wouldn't that be the worst
cancer of my heart what
i thought i would either die from cancer or heart not from both what the
but uh the number uh one the number one and two causes of death cancer and uh
heart disease that
was that was four days ago now they're tied for two and three distant second
and third
number one your brain stem will start to melt from the virus spinning around
that blood will shoot out of your ass followed by your liver which is your
biggest organ the
coronavirus attacks the liver and the liver hardens like a rock within two days
is that champagne
are you are you guys uh suffering
it's like drinking champagne that's where you know you have a drinking problem
drink champagne
what is it in the morning yeah some champagne
like those people i have a mimosa hold the orange juice
just a little orange juice on the side and just a picture of an orange
so anyways in vegas uh i realized something you know people go to vegas
sometimes right and they
got a system you know i mean a system they're going to bust the bank they're
going to beat the
casino on account they got a system and then i realized well this is what
happened i was in an
elevator right and i'm coming down the elevator there's a guy and a woman get
on the elevator man
and wife it turns out and suddenly in the middle of nowhere the guy blurts out
to the woman he goes
what the give me that money i tell you i don't give a fuck what i said just
give me the money
so i think that he was calling an audible on his system
my love theory it's irrational thing gambling though you know being addicted to
gambling
it's so weird i was thinking to myself what the is that
go god damn i need to lose more money i haven't lost money for two weeks i'm
starting to show them
my bank account getting big can't take it i tell you but here's how irrational
gambling is i went by a
roulette table man so i just walked by i put a hundred dollars down on on red
and the thing spins around
and the little silver ball lands on black and then i say i almost picked that
and everyone understood too that was the other guys at the table they're like
oh yeah you got it you can't uh
first
do you understand anything about the game of roulette
now i understand
here's something you don't want to do never work when you play a roulette right
i bet even and then if it
is zero i go hey even number double zero i don't know that's not a number but
zero i proved it to the guy
that was divisible by two
once you got a paper i prepared a proof
i gave it to the pit boss and grabbed me upstairs the guy put on a staple in my
arms
took an airplane from one of the days here's something here's a little tip for
you if you're flying
always pick and by the way i'm sorry i'm not shaven but i had to do this sandler
thing listen if
sandwood sandler says you know hey normie i spent your beers you got to do it
because then i get to
be in a movie for 10 seconds
so anyway look for that it's coming out a couple of years
it'll be me for 10 seconds
but anyways uh what i was going to say was pick the
exit row if you're in an airplane always pick the exit row because you can't
like an extra six
inches or a foot of labor and all you have to do to get the exit row is lie
what happens is the stewardess walks up
flight attendants
flight attendants a lot of different words okay words being different things
i come from another time
i started saying that i come from another time
usually it's people from the future thought like that but i'm from the past
i come from another time
i remember when i was a little boy i said to my dad i said hey dad i think i
might be a little girl he
but i only tell you that story to illustrate how hateful we were back then
my dad was hateful and now he wasn't all with all he wasn't pure hateful
because every you know every
coin has an offers right so he was good and he was bad he was loving and he was
hateful he was heroic you know what i'm saying
like he was he was old and happy he was in the mother second world war he
fought hitler
not very you know he had friends you know a fist fight with them and his
buddies and over there
they sorted out sorry what i'm trying to say is people are nuanced they all
know that they're both good
and bad so the good part of my dad is he he saved us off in the icy grip of a
mad Nazi rule
the hateful thing about my dad was his crazy theory
that having my car got something to do with being a boy
they didn't understand that kind of thinking
how can you have that thought
but back then they could think these bizarre
i don't believe believe in people that say this shit are progressive i'll tell
you what progressive
means the future right tell me something that not every other mother's tell
them
and then i'll call you progressive but you say lbgt you just memorize those
letters
if you're progressive like me i'm progres