Name: Private Norm Macdonald Stand-Up Show (Omaha, Nebraska)
Uploaded: 2021-10-06T09:47:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Private Norm Macdonald Stand-Up Show (Omaha, Nebraska)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Private Norm Macdonald Stand-Up Show (Omaha, Nebraska)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-06. Transcript available.

Private Norm Macdonald Stand-Up Show (Omaha, Nebraska)

Right now, it is my pleasure to introduce a very funny man.
All right, let's calm down, calm down.
He's still just a regular guy.
Kick back, relax, and enjoy this evening's very special entertainment.
Known for his dry wit, the Saturday Night Live weekend update commentator,
and for his movies, Dirty Work and Screwed, and The Norm Show.
Please, a wonderful Omaha welcome for Norm MacDonald.
Hey, Brian.
Hey, guys. What's up, man?
Hi.
Yeah, man. It's live. It's Saturday night.
You guys have a bunch of twinkly things.
They didn't tell me everything before I got out here.
They didn't tell me that there would be twinkling things.
But I can deal with it.
But no, listen.
I was...
It harkened me back listening to the beautiful speaking, like, you know,
because I remember
that, you know, it's 8 o'clock, and do you know where your children's at and
stuff?
And it harkened back to me, because a half hour earlier, I was saying the same
thing.
When I was in the restaurant, I was like, "7:30, man, anybody know where my
pork chop is?"
You ever try to get a pork chop at this joint?
You ever try to get a pork chop at this joint?
I mean, do you always like pork?
You don't like pork?
Call yourself Americans?
Now, listen.
I'll tell you something.
I'll tell you something about this restaurant.
And I don't know about in here, if you get special stuff, but where I was
eating, I asked for
a Coca-Cola, because that's my favorite drink, you know?
I go, "Hey, man, can I have a Coca-Cola?"
And they say, "We don't got that.
We got Pepsi-Cola."
I was like, "Oh."
And this is a new thing that's happening, I've noticed, across the country.
I'd like to get to the bottom of it, because Coca-Cola is a delicious drink.
And oftentimes, you go to a town, you go, "Hey, man, where do I go to get a
Coke?"
And they're like, "Yeah, not here, fella."
You know?
They have their towns that Pepsi is somehow, even though Coke, and people, see,
they think
in their minds, they think that if your favorite drink in the entire world is
Coca-Cola, then
your second favorite drink will be Pepsi-Cola, which is flawed reasoning.
Actually, if your first favorite drink is Coca-Cola, your least favorite drink
is Pepsi-Cola.
That's how it works.
And you can tell they're kind of ashamed of you.
You got a Coke?
They're like, "No, Pepsi."
They'll give you a lot of that.
"Is that okay?"
So you go, "No, I don't want that.
What else you got?
You got any other soda?"
And then, when they got the Pepsi, they always have these weird other sodas.
They're like, "Oh, yeah.
We got different.
We got...
You like root beer?
We got that."
And you're like, "Well, I'm not eight.
I don't know."
I don't know.
I...
We got Diet Pepsi.
What the...
Why are you even asking me that?
I just said...
We got Sierra Mist.
Oh, I'm glad, man.
I'm glad you brought that up.
I was going to ask, but I didn't dare, you know, because every time I go, they
don't
have it.
But that's my favorite drink.
You know, you go to a restaurant, you go, "Hey, here's the whitefish.
What do you want with that?"
Give me...
You got any Sierra Mist?
Give me that.
What?
No Sierra Mist?
What kind of hen house horseshit is this?
Trying to run a joint here?
What kind of business?
Honey, get your coat.
I'll get the car.
I'll bring the car around.
You get your coat.
No Sierra Mist.
Can you believe these characters?
Kind of a...
Kind of a...
But no, I had a pork.
I had a nice, delicious piece of pork.
Pork, a pork chop, you know?
Pork.
I don't know.
I don't think it's that good for you, but I like it.
I'm pretty sure it's not good for you because it's a pig.
But I like it.
Anything with a snout, I don't think you're supposed to eat.
I think that may be in the scriptures.
I'm not sure, but I recall something about that.
My doctor has me on a snoutless diet right now.
He says I gotta exercise every day, aerobics and latissimus dorsi, all that
shit, you know?
Get my back and everything, and then no snouts.
But no, my friend, let me tell you something.
My friend, who is a vegetarian, she's a girl, you know, like all vegetarians
are.
And you don't mean a lot of dudes, you know?
But anyway, she was talking to me about the vegetarianism stuff, right?
Now, have you ever had this experience where you think something's right your
whole life, you know?
And then in a moment, in a flash, you realize you've been wrong about
everything you've ever believed ever.
Not everything, but that one thing.
By the way, have you ever wake up and you realize you've been wrong about
everything in your entire life?
That's not a good day then, you may as well.
May as well go down to the rope store and buy yourself a length of rope.
Then go down to the stool store, get yourself a nice stool.
Then you go over to the notepad store, you buy yourself a notepad.
Then you get a pen, you only really need four things.
It must be hard to write those notes.
You know what?
I'm supposed to write it on this little thing?
Everything that drove me to end my life?
I don't know where to start.
But anyway, so what was I talking about?
Oh yeah, pork.
No, because my friend who's a vegetarian, this girl, she was telling me, you
know,
we always argue because she's a vegetarian and I am not a vegetarian.
And so she has her opinions and I have my opinions.
And I realize that her opinions are actually stronger than my opinions.
Like she'll say to me, she goes, you can't eat, you know, animals because they're
God's creatures too.
You know what I mean?
And you shouldn't destroy another creature of our great God just so that you
could have a frivolous meal that would not be necessary.
You can't extinguish the life of a, you know, and then I go, I like pork.
That's my opinion.
That's not a good argument at all.
So anyways, the upshot of it is that people can change, thank God, you know,
through the glory of God, people can come to changes in life.
And I am now a vegetarian, so that's nice, you know.
Thank you very much.
I'm not a strict vegetarian.
I eat meat.
But I am a vegetarian, but not a strict one.
I only eat meat.
You know what I don't like is vegetables.
I can't eat those.
I can't, I can't stand eating vegetables.
So in the strictest term, you know, strictest use of the word, you know, strict,
I'm not a strict vegetarian.
But you know what she does, my friend that is a vegetarian?
She makes this thing every Thanksgiving.
I don't know if you've ever eaten this.
It's called a tofur, tofurky, tofu, it's a very, it's an unwieldy word.
No one likes to hear it.
But it's a, it's a turkey, but it's not really a turkey, you know.
Sounds like a turkey, because it's got a lot of the same letters.
But what they do is they take tofu, you see, and then they fashion it into the
countenance of a turkey, you know.
Which doesn't fool me.
And also, I don't understand why she does it on account of she's making it into
the thing that she doesn't want to eat in the first place.
You know, that seems, I would not do that, you know.
Like I, I'm against cannibalism, you know.
As you all know, as any of you know that follow me on the Google space, WW, I,
I have gone across this country with my anti-cannibal stance, you know.
Talking to people from one side of this great nation to the other.
Every year I put my toe on the Pacific and I travel this great land with my
anti-cannibal message, you know.
Mostly the young people.
I try to educate the young people.
You know, I go to the schools and I go, "Listen, listen.
You might think that you're going to be the cool guy because you, a dude friend
of yours, you know.
And maybe you will for a couple of years, you know? Maybe you'll be the big man
on campus.
"Oh, that's Jim. He ate a fella." But there's more to it than that.
You know, I use my time for... You know what I do? I do a lot of charity work
for things that people...
I don't like arguing with people, you know, when they have another opinion than
me.
So what I do is I pick very popular opinions, and then I work for those people.
Like, for instance, there was... You know the landmine big thing?
Princess Diana, one of the greatest people who ever lived, she was against landmines.
So, tragically, she died, you know, before her landmine crusade really got
rolling, you know?
And, of course, it was a terrible tragedy and everything like that.
And then she died, and I... So I am... Hey, how about this?
Remember when she died, and then Elton John wrote that song for her?
But it was the same song that he wrote for Marilyn Monroe?
That seems like kind of a jip.
But the king's like, "Hey, man, you wrote a song for my daughter?"
I don't know if there's a king.
"You wrote a song for Princess Diana?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, y'all ready?"
"She just died an hour ago."
"Yeah, I wrote it."
"I wrote it."
"And here it is."
"Oh, she lived her life like a candle in the wind."
"Wait a minute."
"It sounds like that song you wrote about Marilyn Monroe."
"Well, it's a little bit. Some of the same words."
"Why'd you do that?"
"Because they're similar when you think about it."
"Come on."
"Marilyn Monroe, she was taking crazy drugs and promiscuous, running around."
"Man, you know, you never knew if she was going to live or die."
"She was just living her life crazy like a candle in the wind, you know?"
"And Princess Di, she lived in a castle."
"But you know, they're sort of the same."
"They were blonde."
"I gotta go."
"But anyways."
"I forgot what I was going to say."
"Oh."
"That I am very against landmines."
"So I will go and I will make, you know, I'll go to protests, you know?"
"And I'll have a big sign that says, 'No more landmines.'"
"Because if you don't know about landmines,"
"Hey, you're educating me about stuff tonight."
"I'll educate you a little about landmines."
"You know, because there's many different causes, you know?"
"And landmines are terrible."
"What they are is, they put them underneath the earth, and then you step on
them and they blow you up."
"So I go there and I protest against them."
"And what's fun about it is, there's very few counter-protesters."
"You know, there's a couple of guys out there, but clearly these guys are in
the pocket of the, you know, big landmine companies in this country."
"I don't mean to get all Bill Maher on you or anything, but if you think that
the landmine companies in this country care about you, the little person, they
don't care about you."
"They care about blowing you up when you're not expecting it. That's how they
make their money."
"No, whatever."
"But, no, I was going to say about, she makes this tofu, er, er, tofu."
"What I wanted to say was that as an anti-cannibal guy, it would never occur to
me to do the same thing as she does with her tofurkey."
"I would not take all my delicious cheese sandwiches and fashion them into the
shape of some old rotting corpse of some dude, and then eat that."
"That would make it less tasty than the cheese sandwich itself, to me."
"Well, listen, it's easy to go around saying, 'Hey, I'm against cannibalism.'
"Oh, I'm anti-cannibalism. Look at me. I'm better than everybody else, you know."
"I know it's easy to say because I say it every day to people."
"But, actually, when you think about it, you don't really know how you're going
to, you know, how your cannibalism beliefs are going to stand up
under when it comes up."
"Because you'll notice in life, cannibalism rarely comes up."
"There's always some cheese sandwiches around you can find, you know."
"But, what about when you're in the Andes?"
"Well, then all bets are off."
"You have to wrestle with your conscience because you're in the Andes."
"I don't even know why people go to the Andes, but they do."
"They go, 'Hey, listen, travel agent, me and the wife, Ruth, you know, Ruth, we're
going, we've got to get away from the kids again this year.
We've got to go to Island.
We were hoping something on the other side of the Andes.
Anything you've got there?
We just want to relax, lay on a hammock or something, and we want to go to a
nice place that is separated from where we are n