Name: Pilot for 'Back to Norm' 2005- Norm Macdonald
Uploaded: 2021-10-06T19:27:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pilot for 'Back to Norm' 2005- Norm Macdonald' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pilot for 'Back to Norm' 2005- Norm Macdonald' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-06. Transcript available.

Thank you for coming.
Please turn off your cell phones and pagers.
I have a short statement to make.
My name is Norm MacDonald, and when I became a comedian,
all I ever wanted to do was make people laugh
and perhaps make them think as well.
However, I've come to realize that failure has dogged me at every turn
and that mediocrity has been my hallmark.
So it is, with a heavy heart, but a clear conscience,
I've decided to retire from show business.
Norm Marcus, what about a reality show?
No, there'll be no reality show. I'm not going to eat a plate of bugs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I do not believe that you have to shock people to
get a laugh.
Please stand back. Please stand back. I don't want anyone to be hurt.
I do not want anyone to be hurt.
I do not want anyone to be hurt.
Of course, despite laying, I feel more and more peaceful.
Uncle Joe! Grandma!
Hello, Norman.
Hey, Uncle Joe, I see your fishing pole there.
They don't have a lake here, do they?
Exactly like the one I used to take you to when you were a boy, you remember?
Hey, let's go catch some trout.
Would you like that, Norman?
Would you like to spend your days in endless tranquility,
trying to fool the trout with a bit of floating feather?
Ah, there's nothing I'd like better.
Well, you can't do that. You've got to go back.
But I can't return.
I just shot myself in the head at a press conference.
If I go back there now, I'll look like a damn fool.
Well, you have to go back. You have some unfinished business.
You have to do a comedy show.
What? A comedy show? Come on, guys.
Have you seen the shows I've done? They suck.
Let's face it, I'm just not that funny.
Oh, we know, Norman. We know.
But you have to go back. You have things you have to do.
You guys don't seem to understand.
It doesn't matter in life if I was funny or not anymore.
As of five minutes ago, I became a comic legend.
They're going to be playing that shit on the Internet
until the cows come home.
Now, let's go fishing, Uncle Joe.
Listen, you little punk.
Maybe you're out here so good.
I could be nice. I could be one damn son of a bitch.
So you go back there. Do that show.
Do that show.
Do the show.
Get me?
You're not a good show.
Relax. I'll do the show, okay?
Well, folks, I know you're thinking.
You're going, hey, Norm.
Why are you wearing a crazy get-up
with some kind of a cave set behind you?
Well, here's the thing.
Have you heard about these guys
that strap themselves with explosives
and blow themselves
and all these innocent people up?
Have you heard of these people?
Yeah.
Well, you'd think these guys
would never get into heaven, right?
Wrong.
not only do they go to heaven,
but when they get there,
they get to have sex with 72 virgins.
It's ridiculous.
But, anyways,
I was wondering how they come up with the number 72
because, you know,
I know it's a nice round number,
but it seems...
It's a number that seems a little arbitrary to me,
you know,
so I wanted to get to the bottom of this.
So I did some research on the computer there.
I hit the, you know,
the www dot...
Why do these guys get 72 virgins
when they get to heaven?
You know,
that seems a little arbitrary to me.
Dot org.
So I found the answer.
I'm going to share it with you.
But instead of just telling you,
I thought it would be better
to dramatize it
in the following playlet.
Check us out!
Oh, is it hot out there or what?
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Where is he?
Let the planning begin.
Yes.
All right.
Hey, fellas, what's up?
Oh, there he is, our hero.
Well-rested and ready to start his mission.
Yes, I am set to go.
Give me a hug.
Ah!
Ah!
Oh!
Okay, Akbar.
Okay.
Well, let's go over the plan
to make sure we got it all straight, okay?
All right.
At rush hour,
you run to the corner
of camel and oasis.
You start screaming something crazy
at the top of your lungs,
and then you push this button.
Okay.
Pretty simple.
Any questions?
No, no questions at all.
Just a few.
I was wondering if there's so much explosives and dynamite,
won't people notice me putting them around the corner?
Also, how far can I be from camel and oasis
before I can safely press this button?
Akbar, don't you remember talking about being a martyr?
Oh, yes.
I want to be a martyr more than anything.
You do know what a martyr is.
Of course I know what a martyr is.
A martyr is a guy who blows up a lot of people.
Then he runs away.
He lives into a ripe old age
as a beloved hero,
enjoying his martyrdom.
No, Akbar.
That's not exactly what a martyr is.
Really?
Are you sure?
Because I always heard
it was a guy who blows a lot of people up
and then runs away
and lives to a ripe old age.
Of course I'm sure.
I'm sure of what a martyr is.
A martyr is,
well, frankly,
someone who blows himself up.
Well, that last part sounds a little dangerous.
Listen, Youssef,
you're a nice fellow and everything,
but this is not for me.
Look, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if I was to make it worth your while?
Huh?
Well, I mean,
what if I said that
I would take care of your children
and your wife
for the rest of their lives?
Oh, no, no, no.
Akbar is not married.
You do not know Akbar.
Akbar likes to play the field.
As Akbar always says,
why buy the cow
when you can have sex
with many cows for free?
Hey, you like that one?
Oh, very funny, Akbar.
I always heard
you're quite a ladies' man.
Oh, well, I live in a cave
with no running water.
I do all right.
Wait a moment, huh?
Wait a moment.
What if I could hook you up in heaven?
In heaven?
Yes.
Imagine this.
Upon completion of your mission,
you will be greeted in heaven
by 25 hot ladies.
25.
25 hot ladies?
Oh, that sounds, uh...
25 sounds a little low.
Um, how about 100?
I do it for 100.
100?
Akbar, be reasonable.
I'm not a magician.
All right.
30 hot ladies.
That's my final offer.
30!
30 is an insult to me.
I consider doing it for, uh...
95.
95?
You're killing me, Akbar!
I'm killing you!
That's rich!
Let me tell you something, Yusuf.
Right now,
91 hot ladies.
Or I take my business elsewhere.
All right.
All right.
Come on, Akbar!
Akbar!
Akbar!
Come on, now.
What's it gonna take
for me to get you
into this vest today?
All right, Akbar.
72 of these.
Upon arrival in heaven,
you'll be greeted by 72 ladies.
Ha, ha, hey!
I'll tell you something else.
I don't want any whores either, all right?
Having sex with all kinds of martyrs.
I want virgins!
Virgins!
Virgins!
All right.
Virgins!
72 virgins.
All right.
Ha, ha, ha.
Excellent, excellent.
So be it.
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm going to be having sex
with 72 hot virgin ladies.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, oh.
Just one more thing, fellas.
I just wanted to tell you.
I would have done it for 50!
See you later, suckers!
See you later, suckers!
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm just getting started.
I got you that present you've been wanting.
You got me the green shirt?
Oh, the other thing you've been wanting.
Listen, we've been married almost two years.
And I know things can get a little predictable in the bedroom.
But I've given it a lot of thought.
And I decided to give you that thing you always wanted.
I don't know what you're talking about, Christine.
A threesome.
A threesome?
Oh, my God.
That's the greatest gift ever.
I can't believe you...
I mean, why would you think I'd want a threesome?
Well, you have been dropping a lot of hints.
I mean, you mutter threesome over and over in your sleep.
You named your boat threesome.
So, for your birthday, I really wanted to get you one.
Oh, wow.
Christine, you're the greatest wife in the world.
Oh, honey, why don't you see who that is?
Oh, yeah, okay, sure.
Oh, hi, Gwen.
Hi, Gwen.
Hi, Norm.
Hey, listen, Gwen.
We're kind of in the middle of something right now.
You picked a real bad time.
So, hey, maybe you can come back tomorrow, huh?
Okay.
Bye, Gwen.
Man.
Talk about your dumb luck, huh?
We're trying to plan our threesome, and Gwen shows up.
Um, Gwen was here for the threesome.
Gwen?
Well, she would be a terrible choice.
She is an awfully good friend.
It could get awkward.
I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna find us a woman we don't know.
Huh?
Wait, wait.
Christy, Christy.
You don't understand.
You're more than enough woman for me, honey.
Oh.
So, you don't want a threesome anymore?
No, no, no.
I want a threesome.
But it's just that when I'm talking about a threesome, I don't want another
woman.
I want a guy.
What?
A guy.
A dude.
A man.
A fella.
Whoa.
Okay?
Oh, gosh.
I mean, you know what?
I'm not sure that's something I want to be a part of.
Well, why would you be a part of it?
Because it's a threesome?
Oh, my God, Christine.
Do you even know what a threesome is?
A threesome is me and two other guys.
Oh.
Um, so, what am I supposed to do while you're having sex with these two other
guys?
Well, I don't know.
Hey, maybe you can catch up on some of that reading you've been talking about.
As long as you stay out of that bedroom, okay?
Oh, hey, honey, listen.
You're not gonna just go out and pick any two guys at random there, are you?
What do you have in mind?
Oh, I don't have anything in mind.
Nothing at all.
But, uh, just thinking off the top of my head, uh, what about a really handsome
guy that doesn't
know he's handsome and another guy that looks just like your brother?
Okay.
Okay, fine.
I'm a modern woman.
And if my husband wants me to get him two gay guys for his birthday so we can
have sex
with him, that's what I'm gonna do.
You're the best.
Hot diggity dog.
I'm gonna have sex with two gay guys.
Gay guys?
What the?
No, Christine.
Not gay guys.
What, do you think I'm gay?
I just want -- I just want two average, ordinary Joes like me to have hot,
filthy sex with.
How?
These women.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mrs. Burleson, I'm Dr. Fredericks, head of the burn unit.
I understand you're the woman who set her husband on fire while he slept?
Yes, but you have no idea the abuse I put up with day after day, year after
year.
I had no choice.
He was a monster.
Well, I'm a doctor, not a judge.
I'm just here to tell you about your husband's status, and quite frankly, it's
doubtful he'll
ever leave this hospital.
Oh, my God.
He's been burned over 98% of his body.
The 2% that's not burned is a small patch on top of his head roughly the size
of an acorn.
That's fine.
Is he going to live?
He may survive, but will he live?
I'm a doctor, not a philosopher.
I simply don't have the words to describe the seething abyss of infinite
torment in which
your husband now lives.
Is he in a lot of pain?
Well, I'm a doctor, not a poet.
But all the morphine that ever was or ever will be would be just a drop of rain
in the ocean
of your husband's pain.
He's in a lot of pain.
I have to see him.
All right, Mrs. Burleson, as you will, but prepare yourself.
Roger.
Roger.
Roger.
Roger.
Roger.
You just s***ed the wrong guy, bitch.
You just s***ed the wrong guy, bitch.
You just s***ed the wrong guy, bitch.
You just s***ed the wrong guy, bitch.
What's the matter, whore or a cat cut your tongue?
Mr. Burleson, conserve your energy.
You think your big boyfriend is going to protect you, bitch?
I don't think so.
You just s***ed the wrong guy.
I can't tell you I'm burning my body, bitch.
Anybody's going to burn anybody's bed, I'll burn you red, bitch.
Mr. Burleson, you just s***ed the wrong guy, bitch.
You just s***ed the wrong guy, bitch.
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You guys are great.
You guys are great.
I could not for the life of me figure out how to end the show.
It's one of the toughest things to do.
But I thought that the coolest ending in the history of television, to me,
is 60 Minutes because it has Andy Rooney.
And I don't know if you've ever seen that 60 Minutes show, but holy Christ, man.
You have to plow through those first 57 minutes of those blowhards talking
about Rwanda or some violinist or something.
Until finally you get to Andy Rooney, which is the only reason you watch the
show.
So, anyways, I tried to get Andy Rooney to do the show, but Mr. Rooney would
not do it.
We couldn't get Andy Rooney.
But we got the next best thing.
Me and heavy prosthetic makeup.
So, check this out.
Here's some Andy Rooney for you.
It seems everyone is doing drugs nowadays.
I suppose one of the worst drugs is heroin.
Or, as they call it in the street, junk.
I don't know why they call heroin junk.
I mean, it's not because it's cheap or something you'd want to throw away.
But when you think about it, we all do drugs in one form or another.
For instance, I like to drink coffee.
I know it's bad for me, but I enjoy it.
Sometimes I'll have five or six cups a day.
And coffee contains a drug called caffeine.
So, I guess you could say that I'm a drug addict.
Because every day I do a drug called caffeine.
And also peyote.
Some people do drugs without even knowing they're doing drugs.
At last year's Christmas party, I put four rufinols into Leslie Stahl's eggnog.
Then, I dragged her up here to my office, ate a handful of peyote, and we had a
little party of our own.
The next day, she remembered none of it, so it was all just harmless fun,
really.
When someone thinks too highly of themselves, we say, "That fellow has a big
head."
I remember one time, in the midst of a three-week peyote binge,
I looked over at Morley Safer, and his head was 40 feet wide.
I don't know if they have a drug that can cure that.
Perhaps 300 cc's of pure adrenaline shot into the underside of his balls.
All right, folks, that's the show.
I want to thank you for coming.
You're very kind of you.
I want to thank my good friend Rob Schneider for doing it.
And I want to -- that's all, guys, I want to thank.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.

Pilot for 'Back to Norm' 2005- Norm Macdonald

Thank you for coming.
Please turn off your cell phones and pagers.
I have a short statement to make.
My name is Norm MacDonald, and when I became a comedian,
all I ever wanted to do was make people laugh
and perhaps make them think as well.
However, I've come to realize that failure has dogged me at every turn
and that mediocrity has been my hallmark.
So it is, with a heavy heart, but a clear conscience,
I've decided to retire from show business.
Norm Marcus, what about a reality show?
No, there'll be no reality show. I'm not going to eat a plate of bugs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I do not believe that you have to shock people to
get a laugh.
Please stand back. Please stand back. I don't want anyone to be hurt.
I do not want anyone to be hurt.
I do not want anyone to be hurt.
Of course, despite laying, I feel more and more peaceful.
Uncle Joe! Grandma!
Hello, Norman.
Hey, Uncle Joe, I see your fishing pole there.
They don't have a lake here, do they?
Exactly like the one I used to take you to when you were a boy, you remember?
Hey, let's go catch some trout.
Would you like that, Norman?
Would you like to spend your days in endless tranquility,
trying to fool the trout with a bit of floating feather?
Ah, there's nothing I'd like better.
Well, you can't do that. You've got to go back.
But I can't return.
I just shot myself in the head at a press conference.
If I go back there now, I'll look like a damn fool.
Well, you have to go back. You have some unfinished business.
You have to do a comedy show.
What? A comedy show? Come on, guys.
Have you seen the shows I've done? They suck.
Let's face it, I'm just not that funny.
Oh, we know, Norman. We know.
But you have to go back. You have things you have to do.
You guys don't seem to understand.
It doesn't matter in life if I was funny or not anymore.
As of five minutes ago, I became a comic legend.
They're going to be playing that shit on the Internet
until the cows come home.
Now, let's go fishing, Uncle Joe.
Listen, you little punk.
Maybe you're out here so good.
I could be nice. I could be one damn son of a bitch.
So you go back there. Do that show.
Do that show.
Do the show.
Get me?
You're not a good show.
Relax. I'll do the show, okay?
Well, folks, I know you're thinking.
You're going, hey, Norm.
Why are you wearing a crazy get-up
with some kind of a cave set behind you?
Well, here's the thing.
Have you heard about these guys
that strap themselves with explosives
and blow themselves
and all these innocent people up?
Have you heard of these people?
Yeah.
Well, you'd think these guys
would never get into heaven, right?
Wrong.
not only do they go to heaven,
but when they get there,
they get to have sex with 72 virgins.
It's ridiculous.
But, anyways,
I was wondering how they come up with the number 72
because, you know,
I know it's a nice round number,
but it seems...
It's a number that seems a little arbitrary to me,
you know,
so I wanted to get to the bottom of this.
So I did some research on the computer there.
I hit the, you know,
the www dot...
Why do these guys get 72 virgins
when they get to heaven?
You know,
that seems a little arbitrary to me.
Dot org.
So I found the answer.
I'm going to share it with you.
But instead of just telling you,
I thought it would be better
to dramatize it
in the following playlet.
Check us out!
Oh, is it hot out there or what?
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Where is he?
Let the planning begin.
Yes.
All right.
Hey, fellas, what's up?
Oh, there he is, our hero.
Well-rested and ready to start his mission.
Yes, I am set to go.
Give me a hug.
Ah!
Ah!
Oh!
Okay, Akbar.
Okay.
Well, let's go over the plan
to make sure we got it all straight, okay?
All right.
At rush hour,
you run to the corner
of camel and oasis.
You start screaming something crazy
at the top of your lungs,
and then you push this button.
Okay.
Pretty simple.
Any questions?
No, no questions at all.
Just a few.
I was wondering if there's so much explosives and dynamite,
won't people notice me putting them around the corner?
Also, how far can I be from camel and oasis
before I can safely press this button?
Akbar, don't you remember talking about being a martyr?
Oh, yes.
I want to be a martyr more than anything.
You do know what a martyr is.
Of course I know what a martyr is.
A martyr is a guy who blows up a lot of people.
Then he runs away.
He lives into a ripe old age
as a beloved hero,
enjoying his martyrdom.
No, Akbar.
That's not exactly what a martyr is.
Really?
Are you sure?
Because I always heard
it was a guy who blows a lot of people up
and then runs away
and lives to a ripe old age.
Of course I'm sure.
I'm sure of what a martyr is.
A martyr is,
well, frankly,
someone who blows himself up.
Well, that last part sounds a little dangerous.
Listen, Youssef,
you're a nice fellow and everything,
but this is not for me.
Look, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if I was to make it worth your while?
Huh?
Well, I mean,
what if I said that
I would take care of your children
and your wife
for the rest of their lives?
Oh, no, no, no.
Akbar is not married.
You do not know Akbar.
Akbar likes to play the field.
As Akbar always says,
why buy the cow
when you can have sex
with many cows for free?
Hey, you like that one?
Oh, very funny, Akbar.
I always heard
you're quite a ladies' man.
Oh, well, I live in a cave
with no running water.
I do all right.
Wait a moment, huh?
Wait a moment.
What if I could hook you up in heaven?
In heaven?
Yes.
Imagine this.
Upon completion of your mission,
you will be greeted in heaven
by 25 hot ladies.
25.
25 hot ladies?
Oh, that sounds, uh...
25 sounds a little low.
Um, how about 100?
I do it for 100.
100?
Akbar, be reasonable.
I'm not a magician.
All right.
30 hot ladies.
That's my final offer.
30!
30 is an insult to me.
I consider doing it for, uh...
95.
95?
You're killing me, Akbar!
I'm killing you!
That's rich!
Let me tell you something, Yusuf.
Right now,
91 hot ladies.
Or I take my business elsewhere.
All right.
All right.
Come on, Akbar!
Akbar!
Akbar!
Come on, now.
What's it gonna take
for me to get you
into this vest today?
All right, Akbar.
72 of these.
Upon arrival in heaven,
you'll be greeted by 72 ladies.
Ha, ha, hey!
I'll tell you something else.
I don't want any whores either, all right?
Having sex with all kinds of martyrs.
I want virgins!
Virgins!
Virgins!
All right.
Virgins!
72 virgins.
All right.
Ha, ha, ha.
Excellent, excellent.
So be it.
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm going to be having sex
with 72 hot virgin ladies.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, oh.
Just one more thing, fellas.
I just wanted to tell you.
I would have done it for 50!
See you later, suckers!
See you later, suckers!
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm going to be having sex with you.
I'm just getting started.
I got you that present you've been wanting.
You got me the green shirt?
Oh, the other thing you've been wanting.
Listen, we've been married almost two years.
And I know things can get a little predictable in the bedroom.
But I've given it a lot of thought.
And I decided to give you that thing you always wanted.
I don't know what you're talking about, Christine.
A threesome.
A threesome?
Oh, my God.
That's the greatest gift ever.
I can't believe you...
I mean, why would you think I'd want a threesome?
Well, you have been dropping a lot of hints.
I mean, you mutter threesome over and over in your sleep.
You named your boat threesome.
So, for your birthday, I really wanted to get you one.
Oh, wow.
Christine, you're the greatest wife in the world.
Oh, honey, why don't you see who that is?
Oh, yeah, okay, sure.
Oh, hi, Gwen.
Hi, Gwen.
Hi, Norm.
Hey, listen, Gwen.
We're kind of in the middle of something right now.
You picked a real bad time.
So, hey, maybe you can come back tomorrow, huh?
Okay.
Bye, Gwen.
Man.
Talk about your dumb luck, huh?
We're trying to plan our threesome, and Gwen shows up.
Um, Gwen was here for the threesome.
Gwen?
Well, she would be a terrible choice.
She is an awfully good friend.
It could get awkward.
I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna find us a woman we don't know.
Huh?
Wait, wait.
Christy, Christy.
You don't understand.
You're more than enough woman for me, honey.
Oh.
So, you don't want a threesome anymore?
No, no, no.
I want a threesome.
But it's just that when I'm talking about a threesome, I don't want another
woman.
I want a guy.
What?
A guy.
A dude.
A man.
A fella.
Whoa.
Okay?
Oh, gosh.
I mean, you know what?
I'm not sure that's something I want to be a part of.
Well, why would you be a part of it?
Because it's a threesome?
Oh, my God, Christine.
Do you even know what a threesome is?
A threesome is me and two other guys.
Oh.
Um, so, what am I supposed to do while you're having sex with these two other
guys?
Well, I don't know.
Hey, maybe you can catch up on some of that reading you've been talking about.
As long as you stay out of that bedroom, okay?
Oh, hey, honey, listen.
You're not gonna just go out and pick any two guys at random there, are you?
What do you have in mind?
Oh, I don't have anything in mind.
Nothing at all.
But, uh, just thinking off the top of my head, uh, what about a really handsome
guy that doesn't
know he's handsome and another guy that looks just like your brother?
Okay.
Okay, fine.
I'm a modern woman.
And if my husband wants me to get him two gay guys for his birthday so we can
have sex
with him, that's what I'm gonna do.
You're the best.
Hot diggity dog.
I'm gonna have sex with two gay guys.
Gay guys?
What the?
No, Christine.
Not gay guys.
What, do you think I'm gay?
I just want -- I just want two average, ordinary Joes like me to have hot,
filthy sex with.
How?
These women.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mrs. Burleson, I'm Dr. Fredericks, head of the burn unit.
I understand you're the woman who set her husband on fire while he slept?
Yes, but you have no idea the abuse I put up with day after day, year after
year.
I had no choice.
He was a monster.
Well, I'm a doctor, not a judge.
I'm just here to tell you about your husband's status, and quite frankly, it's
doubtful he'll
ever leave this hospital.
Oh, my God.
He's been burned over 98% of his body.
The 2% that's not burned is a small patch on top of his he