Name: Norm Macdonald Live in Michigan 2019- Royal Oak Music Theatre (9/20/19)
Uploaded: 2021-10-07T08:52:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Michigan 2019- Royal Oak Music Theatre (9/20/19)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Michigan 2019- Royal Oak Music Theatre (9/20/19)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-07. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live in Michigan 2019- Royal Oak Music Theatre (9/20/19)

Uh, uh, and, uh, thank you.
Uh, listen, man, I came here with you on a bus tour, because I got freed on the
plane.
Something happened on the plane.
But I tell you, bus, the fucking bus ain't, uh, safe either.
I think it's way more dangerous than an airplane.
He's like, ah, what happened?
You know, every fucking mile, something happened.
And you're like, uh, hey, does anybody notice we're in fucking right behind
that goddamn truck?
Full of trembling logs, they look like they're fucking, you know, one piece of
twine holding them on.
And then you try to pass them, they're trying to re-hanging.
You fall asleep, right, because it's like we're traveling, we're dying there,
seven to me, three times so far.
We've only driven it like four times.
I'm sleeping, and every time we go, hey, what's going on?
You missed it, we almost died.
You gotta wait me out for that shit, man.
I'm gonna miss my own death.
I'm looking forward to that, man.
Goddamn.
But the plane flight, when I went from Vegas to L.A., which it started, which I
said, I gotta get the bus, I gotta get a tour bus, it's not a story, because I
don't know if I was going on a plane.
It turned into so insane, it turned into so insane, and so frightening and shit,
and boy, I tell you, I do certain things on the airplane, you know.
Like, for instance, I always pick the exits, the exit road, what's it called?
Exit road.
Something.
You know what I'm talking about.
The emergency exit road.
And it's great, because you get a lot of extra labor, and the only answer to
get it is to lie.
You lie to me.
And a stewardess walks up to you, not a stewardess.
20 to 10 inches after you.
I use this dead language called English.
That's my problem.
It's very hard for me to communicate to people.
But when I was young, right, if you were a female flight attendant, we would
call you a stewardess.
And if you were a male flight attendant, we would call you a, what, whatever.
Stewardess.
You homophobic motherfucker.
You should fucking walk off stage, man.
Do you know how deeply you've offended me?
Offended me.
You think you're going to offend me?
What the fuck?
I see this faggot film in that film.
I see this gay American ass comedy.
Oh, I'm going to offend you.
I go, are you fucking kidding me?
Right?
You're going to be kidding me.
You think you're going to offend me.
I have seen internet pornography.
You think I'm going to be offended by Anthony Jesselmich?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And same with outrage.
It would be outrage.
You know, I have video tape.
Please tell me.
I have video tape.
You know, I have video tape.
Please tell me.
I have video tape.
What if I said the worst thing in the world?
Okay, now I need your cameras, okay.
But no, I'm not going to tell you what I really feel.
I'm going to be crazy.
There's no place for that in the world.
You got private discourse now and public discourse.
You know what I mean?
You're at home.
That's where you tell people you trust what you feel.
And don't sound nothing like what you say outdoors.
You go outdoors.
You're like, oh yeah, what is it again now?
It was a man, but then it was a lady.
Of course I understand it.
What's not to understand?
Yeah, of course I can get my mind around that insanity.
That would come from a different generation.
I'll tell you an example.
When I was young, I thought I was a girl.
When I was a little boy, I'll never forget that.
I said to my dad, when I was my dad, and I said,
Hey, Dad.
I think, I really feel like I'm a girl.
And he said, wait, I got a cop.
And I was like, oh yeah.
You got me.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I only tell you that, so you understand how hateful we were back then.
My father.
Well, it's hateful.
You also beat Hitler.
But people are complicated.
Filthy pig of a product.
You know, I think the problem is everybody thinks they'd be different than the
guy I'm having in front.
They go, God, fuck the people that had the fucking, you know, made the fucking
family fathers.
They own slaves, you know.
Because you think, if I was back then, I wouldn't own slaves.
We could do whatever the fuck everybody else does.
What the fuck are you talking about?
When did you become so fucking thinking for yourself?
You ever meet a person that thought for themselves?
Ever?
Well, I think progressive things.
Tell me one thing you think that nobody else thinks.
I don't think that.
That's very progressive of you.
Think whatever the other fucker says.
I understand.
It's a way of getting along with the world.
You know what I mean?
It's like when you go to dress and you don't believe me.
We're going to return.
But most people, they go, man, they go, well, what's in fashion, you know?
What's everybody else wearing?
Well, give me that.
That's how people choose their opinions.
You don't think everybody chooses their opinions by themselves.
And they happen to be exactly the same.
I was reading a thing about Jerry Falwell Jr.
They really ripped the lid off this story.
Apparently, Jerry Falwell Jr., our son of Jerry Falwell, is against gay
marriage.
So, of course, people were shocked.
How could a televangelist?
And there's children out there, young gay children, you know?
And they hear stuff, you know, there's a lot of suicide in mind.
Because if you can't be who you are, people are telling you that it's not a
record.
So, you know, so I heard, you know, I heard Hillary Clinton come out and go,
there's no place in this society for these pigs, you know?
Like Jerry Falwell Jr.
Should be against gay marriage, you know?
And I think it's retarded to be against gay marriage.
Down syndrome.
But, is a young kid going to go, man, man, I'm gay, but if only I could hold up.
Oh, oh, Jerry Falwell Jr. is against it.
And I must be no good.
I'm going to kind of hang myself.
I don't believe that.
If you're a young, gay child, 15 years old, you're trying to be who you are,
you know?
It's a goddamn hard thing to do.
And then, the President of the United States, not only the President of the
United States,
the hippest President of the United States of all time,
Barack Obama,
tells you that gay marriage is wrong.
And these hypocritical motherfuckers get to go,
Jerry Falwell Jr., this animal,
he doesn't believe in gay marriage.
Oh, my, this is the worst thing I've ever heard
since I've said it three years ago.
How far behind the time is this guy living?
Remember, was he living in 2016 or something?
They say, you follow.
All on the same day.
I was wondering,
I gave you a good day when I was a little kid.
I thought, I don't get it.
So, I'm better than everybody.
That's what makes a person good.
Now it is.
Man, I gotta change my act,
because you gotta be woke.
Woke down.
Sam, we flew in from Vegas.
It was so fucking scary.
Oh, I was gonna tell you about the, yeah,
the stewardess.
Come on.
Flight of town.
Flight of town.
So, the flight attendant says to you,
now, if you go,
if the plane crashes,
you're right beside the emergency exit,
so would you mind, like,
letting other people out
and kind of helping out?
And then you go,
yes, I will do that.
I was gonna ask you if I could do that.
That's the funny thing.
It's just me.
I was after you.
The extra one and a half inches of the leg,
well worth it.
After you, man.
Black, blue smoke racing down the fuselage.
Of course, in real life,
I'd be kicking my mouth.
Get the fuck, you old whore.
You got a full life.
I used to be on the TV.
What the fuck are you thinking?
You know, I'm hearing it.
Man, that shit.
They just try to make you feel better, you know.
I'd never heard this one.
I guess I'd blank out or something.
I'd never listen.
But they say now,
they go,
if the oxygen mask comes down,
make sure to put it on your own self
before you put it on your little child.
And I was like,
God damn, that was my plan.
You had to fucking black.
But the obvious could just do it
to make you feel better, you know.
Yes, you know what you're seeing
is good for sitting on,
but you know what's also?
A boat.
What's good is a boat.
You know, you can try a boat.
But you ever turn on a TV
and it goes,
hey, listen,
a plane crashed into the Pacific today,
but don't worry about it.
Everybody's floating around.
Hey, we're listening to the ladies.
Just the thing to make you feel...
And same with the emergency exit row, you know.
It don't matter on account
that plane goes down 900 miles an hour.
First of all,
the location of that fucking window
is going to be changing.
But secondly,
you vaporize.
Like,
they show pictures.
They'll take a camera
and just put it on the plane
because they would never do it
with a car accident.
With a plane accident,
you go,
God damn,
I don't see any person.
Because there are none.
It's just a plane load of stuff.
That's all it is.
Ashes to ashes.
Stuff to stuff.
And so they go on,
God damn,
a lot of stuff in this plane.
Holy crap.
We can't call it stuff.
Call it remains.
I have to say...
Now,
the three people
that have met this
horrific end,
they have loved ones,
you know.
and the loved ones
always want
the remains,
you know.
For some closure,
you know what I mean?
They're like,
God damn,
I can't get to sleep
ever since
Billy died
in that plane crash.
That's all I can think of.
Only I could see them.
Only I could print that image
on my mind.
And every night
before I went to sleep,
I just think of that.
Finally,
I've had this whole thing in me.
Hey, you guys,
it's not how you're going to get
your loved ones.
It's not,
you know,
they don't mind going,
look,
it's a strawberry blonde.
They're like,
that reminds me of Agnes
over there.
Didn't you get her thigh bone?
Okay,
that's freaking striking.
They got no time.
They go,
come on, man,
let's move it.
Daylight's burning.
Hey,
hey,
listen, man.
I'm just now,
an ID card here.
It says,
Norm Macdonald,
190 pounds.
Shuttle 190 pounds
of stuff in her bag.
Write Norm on the side.
And it says,
his mother's mother's mother.
Then my mother gets it,
ah,
excellent.
Now,
American Airlines
ain't so bad at you.
Jeez,
I don't remember
Norm having
three eyeballs.
I guess
nervous,
no,
really.
Ultimately,
I'm normal.
I reach to the other.
saw Larry King
and I love Larry King.
I love Larry King.
I love Larry King.
I love Larry King.
Coldest man
I ever saw
interview another person.
Like,
everything's dead.
So,
one time I see,
he's interviewing
a lady
who lost her child
three days earlier.
And she's timing
how bad it is.
And now,
the mood,
Larry King goes,
Paul Newman told me
you never get over it.
I'm like,
oh,
God,
I don't know.
Name-dropping.
I understand it,
man,
because he's seen
so much in his life.
You know,
the more I see,
you know,
it's like,
I can't be offended.
I cannot be offended
after seeing
hard for pornography
on the internet.
It's just impossible
to offend me.
You know?
And I think,
ah!
Ah!
Ah!
And I'm not
sad about that.
I'm sad to say.
I am.
I am sad
that I am not sad.
Like,
especially
when I see
how sad
other people are.
How devastated
they are.
I go,
God damn,
these people are deep.
And I don't have them.
Like,
I'll turn on the TV
and say,
like,
1400 people
died today
in Mozambique
when an earthquake
clicked.
I get sad
and devastated
like my cat,
kitty.
She's 21 years old now.
God damn it,
I see her lymphoma,
you know.
She had a stroke
earlier in that.
It breaks my heart.
I'm so sad
that those 800 fuckers
in Mozambique
or whatever the fuck it was
could not care like that.
And it makes me feel
even worse
because other people
are devastated.
I mean,
I've seen people.
I've seen,
like,
a talk show host
at the beginning
of the show.
They go,
I'm devastated.
We're going to try
to get through this show
but God damn it,
I don't know
if I can do it.
I'm devastated.
We'll be back
after the course
and after the course
I'm like,
AHH!
Everybody!
That seems
devastating anymore.
Man,
after you see porn,
God damn it.
If anybody,
it's impossible
to think nobody has
but if any of you
have never seen
pornography on the internet,
my advice would be
don't.
Because it changes