Name: Norm Macdonald Live In Portland - 2019 (Helium Comedy Club)
Uploaded: 2021-10-20T05:12:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Portland - 2019 (Helium Comedy Club)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Portland - 2019 (Helium Comedy Club)' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-20. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live In Portland - 2019 (Helium Comedy Club)

Oh yeah.
All right.
Just got a couple quick announcements.
There are great shows here every weekend at Helium.
Upcoming is J.D. Sears, Kevin Nealon, Maria Bamford.
Every Tuesday is the open mic.
And now you guys want to try comedy.
If you're very funny, there's the funniest person contest.
You sign up, you get to bring all your friends and show everybody how funny you
are.
Or you don't have to do that at all.
You can just come and watch.
Or you can enjoy summer.
Who the fuck cares, you know?
Either way.
With all that out of the way, you guys ready for your headliner?
Yeah?
That's the net on Netflix.
He doesn't need really any introduction.
Giving up Norm MacDonald, everyone.
And the Blazer as well.
Hey, listen, it's great to be here.
It's really nice.
It's exciting.
You know, it's fun to be in the...
I want to say Portland, you know?
Rip City.
Rip City.
Portland.
You guys really think fucking something of yourselves here, huh?
A guy drives me, right?
And everything, fucking everything in Portland is like, hey, look at me.
I'm good.
You know?
Like, even the door is like I was walking by a door.
You know what I mean?
And I painted on the door and says, hey, come on in.
You know, we welcome you.
We love you.
You know, we invite you to come in, whether you're trans or whether you're gay
or whether
you're black.
It doesn't matter whether you're religion or you're creed or anything.
We welcome you here.
You know, which I thought was really, you know, it was kind of heartwarming a
little
bit and courageous, you know, here in 1954.
It's kind of a...
You may as well just write down, we observe the law.
We're not going to be...
Our racism is not going to be so much that we break the law.
And then you say, you know, you can't help yourself.
You walk by and you see a, you know, just a door and you go, those racist
motherfuckers.
I can't help but do that.
There's nobody in there, I'm sorry.
I don't understand, I don't understand.
The guy drives me from the airport, right?
He's a driver.
He drives me from the airport to my hotel.
And he's telling me, he's like, no racism in Portland.
He's like, there's no racism.
I'm like, wait a second.
Like, you know, this is like the hearts of man, you know what I mean?
Like, no racism.
And then I was looking around, I said, I couldn't see any black people.
So I said to the guy, I said, you say it's not a racist town, and yet there's
no black people.
I mean, how do you, you know, how can you even tell if you're a racist?
You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
There's no black people.
And then he says, we got her share.
And I used to live like a way far away, like over, you know, and I go to the
city when I was a kid.
I was like 15 or something like that.
And I lived, my parents lived way out of the suburbs.
So I'd have to go into, I'd have to drive through this wilderness with a cabbie
that was deeply racist.
And then what do you do, you know?
The good thing, if you were a good person, is argue with a guy, try to change
his mind, you know?
But I'm drunk, I'm going to get home, you know what I mean?
I'm going to be on crossfire all of a sudden for a hour and a half with this
fucking guy.
And, you know, it's not good because then he thinks I agree with him because,
you know, whatever he says.
I'm like, no, you're right.
He had the right idea the whole time.
But let me off over here, you know what I mean?
And I don't know.
I don't know.
One guy I had, he said a thing.
You remember a guy that he says that you don't know who you're supposed to hate?
Like, it's too confusing?
Because you're not, you know, I don't know every racial epithet.
You know, I try.
I try to keep up every racial epithet.
So, there's one guy who says to me, he was a doorman, he goes, you know what
the problem is in the world nowadays?
I said, is it a group of people?
Yeah, you're goddamn right.
You're on the head there, buddy.
I said, what group of people is it anyway?
He goes, what a cute one as well.
I do as a goddamn brindle heads.
I was like, oh, yeah?
Because I had to be told who to hate.
I can't, I don't know, brindle.
So, I looked up brindle, and it was a weird definition.
I never, it didn't have any way to be on someone's head, and I didn't know.
You know, I couldn't tell.
And it still plays me to this day, because part of me thinks, what if they
really are the problem?
I don't know.
I don't know who they are.
What about guys, they try too hard, you know, not to be racist.
You know what I mean?
Like, they'll go, they'll go, I don't care if my guy's black or white or brown,
yellow, green.
I'm like, whoa, green, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is such a thing as being too progressive.
A green person, clearly a Martian.
You've got to shoot him on sight.
Because if you don't shoot him, he dematerializes you, because their guns are
better, you know.
I was thinking of dematerializing, and I'll tell you this, boy, there's a draft
here.
Man, I'm an old man.
I'll tell you something.
You want to start talking about drafts?
What's this like?
Is this a good one?
I remember my dad, I remember my dad would say, oh, god damn, there's a draft
in here.
And I'd go, god damn, you're an old man.
I'm an old man now, too.
Son of a bitch.
I became an old man.
I'm trying to hide it, don't tie my hair, nothing like that.
I don't get any Botox, nothing like that.
Because I want, you know, I feel like God gives us little signs, you know what
I mean?
A chunk of coal.
When he makes your hair completely white, that's a signal.
He's telling you, you know, your affair is an order, you know.
See, I've killed your hair.
Your hair is dead.
It's white.
It's dead white.
We're behind the beautiful skyline of, you know, Portland.
Isn't that something?
It's like the window to the outside.
I'm not pretending to do that.
I'm supposed to pretend that, and yet, the ocean comes.
Right up to the front.
You know, that's not right.
I just noticed across the bridge is the Helium Comedy Club.
We all know that, of course, two places can't exist.
We all know that, but I never took a lie, you know.
We all know that, but I never took a lie, you know.
I don't know that, but I never took a lie, you know.
I don't know that, but I never took a lie, you know.
I don't know that, but I never took a lie, you know.
I don't know that, but I never took a lie, you know.
Boy, it's wild.
You look at that.
I'm retreating a little, it looks like I'm afraid, but I see it's these people.
I don't want them to get gypped, you know what I mean.
How are you guys?
Why should they, why should they, you guys get to see me in there?
Why should they have to just look at my fucking hot, beautiful ass?
Here's something you don't hear.
Here's something you don't hear very often.
Yeah, they say everybody's the same, every sexuality's the same, and all that.
Here's something, though, that I've never heard.
I don't know, is this, this would seem odd on the ear if I heard this.
I would, you know what I would love, I would, I would really like to make love
to you up your ass.
Sound odd, man.
Well, listen, listen, we're obviously going through a cultural shift in this
country, you know,
and it's a seismic one, you know, trying to get equality for everybody.
Here's the way I see it, just on the grand scale.
I think there's two big, big problems that are finally being addressed in the
society.
Now, one problem is that we live in an evil patriarchy that benefits no one
except straight white males.
That's a big, big problem.
Now, here's another big, big problem.
I'm a straight white male.
I don't want to shake things up that much.
A little bit, a little bit.
I want to shake things up a little bit.
But some people say, hey, Norm, you know, you've had your turn, you know, with
all your privilege, you know,
why don't you let the kids, you know, the children of the future after a while.
What about the kids?
Now, I have a kid, and he's a straight white male.
I don't know.
Although, uh, I'm only guessing he could be a gay lady.
I don't know.
We used to know things that we don't know anything.
Here's a phenomenon.
Everyone has opinions now, you know what I mean?
Fucking motherfucker, you'll find yourselves.
Now that the election is coming, everybody will be asking your opinion, right?
Now, when I was young, we didn't have a lot of opinions, you know what I mean?
People maybe had six, eight opinions.
And, uh, most of them are about food, to be honest with you.
But now you're expecting to have a opinion about every goddamn thing.
Like, guys just come up and you go, hey, how do you think that Dow Jones will
react to the upcoming, uh, problem in the, uh, Gulf of Tonkin?
And then you're like, I don't know what I did.
I have a guy that walks down the street wearing a hat.
You know who you're talking to?
You think I, I wrote a book or something?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't
know.
Or something like that?
Yeah, Mr. Felon.
I'm with a hat, I'm joking.
You're looking at Red Bull.
Red Bull, yeah, that's true too.
Red Bull and a hat, you know?
But that doesn't make much of a world view.
Red Bull, yeah, we used to know things, and we don't know things anymore, you
know what I mean?
Like, uh, I remember when I was young, I went to my dad, and I said,
Dad, uh, I'm a little, uh, girl, I'm, uh, pretty, uh, pretty sure.
And he said, wait a second, I thought you had a cop.
That's just to illustrate how hateful we were back then.
He was a completely hateful man, I gotta say.
People are complicated.
My dad, when he had me, was 50, you know what I mean?
So he could, you know, he was almost like my grandfather, he was in the Second
World War.
He fought Hitler, you know what I mean?
So, uh, you know, that, a person can be good and yet evil.
Because, you know, he was good, he fought Hitler, he was evil.
He thought, uh, uh, uh, uh, a child with a cock was a boy.
Now, of course, that sentence sounds insane.
But I don't know, you know, it's, uh, you just go around, uh, pretending you
know things and try to sound like the next fella.
And try not to get in trouble.
Uh, put the airplane in here from Las Vegas, Nevada.
And, uh, what a trip that was, I'll tell you, boy.
There was a lot of, uh, a lot of, uh, turbulence.
It was frightening, you know.
Yeah, it's scary.
I always, uh, I always fly in the, uh, in the, uh, exit rows, you know, because
I like the exit rows.
And the exit rows are great, because, uh, you know, you get extra leg room, and
they're free, you know.
All you have to do to get them is lie.
You have to lie.
A lie to the, uh, stewardess comes up to you.
Not stewardess, but, uh, flight attendant comes up to you.
Words change, you know what I mean?
When I was young, if you were a flight attendant and you were a lady, uh, we
called you, uh, stewardess.
You know, and if you were a flight attendant and you were a gentleman, we
called you, uh, well, you know, anyway.
But anyway, as you've got the, you know, they come up and they go, yes, uh, we
got, we're
who had an exit row, would you mind, uh, uh, you know, if we crash and the
white black smoke,
you know, races down and choke the life out of you, would you mind just letting
other people
laugh first?
And then I say, we need it verbally, because that's binding somehow, you know.
So you go, yes, you know, sometimes you say, I, I tend to lie, I overlie.
Oh, yes, you know, yes, yes, I wouldn't like to do that.
I was going to ask you if I could do that.
It's kind of coincidental, all right, I was going to ask you, I think it's well
worth the
extra three inches to just you after, please.
And I'll scrabble down the wing for my life after everyone else is there.
But, you know, they give you little warnings, but they're meaningless, you know.
They go, oh, the oxygen mask will fall down.
Make sure you breathe it into yours before your child.
You go, oh, that was my plan.
I hope it was my plan.
And then they go, oh, and by the way, your seat cushion is a boat.
They say a flotation device, which, of course, there'