Name: Norm Macdonald Live in Los Angeles - 2011
Uploaded: 2021-10-21T01:55:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Los Angeles - 2011' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Los Angeles - 2011' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-21. Transcript available.

and ghosts they don't fucking scare me i mean i'm not trying to say i'm a big
shot you know i mean
i am i am saying that i am trying to say that i'm trying to say i'm a big shot
now i'm not trying to
say i'm no fucking tough guy but i am i'm a fucking tough guy i don't fucking
fight no um but i'm
saying i'm not afraid of ghosts and i'll tell you why first of all they're
invisible and shit
and when you let's say they go to punch you right their fucking hand goes right
through your body
i'm not scared of that fucker like the guy that scares me is the guy when he
punches you and then
his hand doesn't fucking disadvantage that fucker i don't like him a ghost i
like
and then like you know one time i went to this one time i went to a hotel and
they had a fucking
ghost was there and is that a ghost and uh you think you wouldn't put that on
the front of the
hotel some people might not show up not wanting to be haunted by a ghost but
anyways people would
show up at this hotel and uh i had to fucking stay there and anyways it said uh
there was this woman
there was a fucking ghost and her name was the uh the woman in the blue dress
you know and she haunted
the halls evidently i thought it was a reckless nickname first of all i would
have called her the ghost
i think that was her defining quality nothing i've seen blue dresses before
nothing terrifying about them
but uh anyway so the ghost shows up and what is the ghost really all they can
do is fucking startle you
you're like ah what the fuck oh here it goes you know what are you gonna do
hang around all the time
they're like ah you're like yeah okay because at first you'd be startled but by
you know six months
you're like yeah yeah you scared me out of here i was scared again they're like
ah why are you still here
i i forgot
and they're whiny those fucking ghosts and i'm like jeez god damn
they're always like ah i've gotta stay here and you're like why
and they're like ah because unfinished business
i must come to peace with it ah and you're like what about me you fucker
i'm the same i got the same problems as you except you can walk through the
fucking walls
i'd much rather be you a ghost
and of course the most frightening is the count uh dracula you know that fucker
the vampire
no the vampire does not the vampire is the oddest one to me because they go
listen that fucking vampire
is around today you know i heard he was around so uh we gotta get shit now
garlic and all this
stuff shit and everything and silver bullets and then we get a a two by six and
hewitt you know
so we get the proper and then we get a wooden uh mallet we got as the beast
descends upon us
we must strike him you know in the center of his chest and uh explode his heart
and kill this uh ancient uh
plague you know because if we don't if we make one small mistake he'll bite our
necks
and then we'll be immortal
what was that last part
what what i didn't hear the last part
and they bite your neck and you get to be a cool vampire forever
unless someone tricks you and gets makes you a pile of dust which would also be
a cool way to go out
but uh you get to be a vampire and then you're sexy so vampires are now sexy
which is cool you know women love vampires you probably love vampires right
yeah i don't know what it is but man women love vampires like uh like uh babies
love stray dogs you
know they're
they touch them somewhere deep within their soul i don't know what the fuck i
don't know what it is
i'm no doctor sometimes i claim to be a doctor but it's all in good fun
enjoy performing experiments on the human bodies have knives and if you like
that sort of thing you
have to be pretend to be a doctor that's pretty well the only way they'll let
you do it
i have the suit at home
now what about a doctor makes it like i can i don't know i don't even want to
be a doctor who
the fuck would want to be a doctor you got anybody a doctor you know what a
kind of doctor i'd be the
guy that hits the hits you with on the knee with that hammer that seems like a
good job
nothing ever goes wrong you know i've had my
fucking knee hit by a hammer about 300 fucking times by doctors nothing ever
wrong
they hit with it and then he's like ah fuck you then they're like excellent
write it down on a fucking paper that's exactly how you should react when i
strike your knee with a
hand but some things would be bad i was thinking today it'd be bad you know it'd
be bad if you're
if you're a type you know how people fuck you know like some people like like
to like if a dude will
fuck a dude or something or a lady will fuck a lady or whatever right everybody
laying down with everybody
else what what if your type you know what i mean because you have a type right
let's say like my
type's a lady i like to my thing is i like to find a lady then talk her into
let me lie down on top of her
it's my little thing i like to try it's extraordinarily difficult
but anyway other guys are more they like crazier things and they do crazier
things and uh
bears i was wondering about the ones imagine if uh you were the ones that only
like kids like you only
like fucking kids that would be the worst
they go what's your type i don't want to tell you
yeah what is it girls with big tits yeah let's say no not exactly i uh children
young children i like to have them so sexually attracted to very young children
i'll be going to prison one day
what about the ladies with the big breasts i don't care for them at all i don't
know what happened
what about dudes blowing them no i don't like that either four-year-old
children i don't know what
happened oh well i have a good life to look forward to being raped by uh with a
broomstick in prison
yeah that's my type
i mean that would be the worst type to have imagine that's you but you don't
think about it right
because you know if i don't want to do that shit but some people do and they go
i gotta fuck a kid
like who would do that but that's like us going i gotta get a lady or a dude or
whatever they're
like i gotta you know it's like a that's my job my dad did it my dad before him
i fuck kids that's what i do name's earl delaney
i haven't uh fucked a kid in two weeks i'm way behind
i got the boss up my ass he wants me to fuck more kids i said i only fuck so
many kids
you don't think there's guys with that job you don't think there's fellas that
have that job but
it turns out there are
so anyways i was wondering about these people that are i was wondering about
these people that are
fetishists you know because i go like my thing i like to lie down on top of
ladies
i've revealed that to you already and uh it's it's it's not easy at all so i
think if it's harder
if you're one of those guys like a lady has to whip your back your balls
then i go how the fuck you ever find anybody
or like your foot or some thing like that like uh because these guys they love
feasts some guys
right look there's two kinds of people
two kinds of guys there's guys who think that pretty well every foot looks
pretty well the same
that's one group then there's another group that believe the foot is the most
sexual object on the body hey and who is to say who is right i think it's the
first group
i think overwhelmingly people would say the first group is correct
all feet look pretty well alike
but anyway i don't know how you bring this up to the lady you know you go ah sybil
or whatever her name is
ah sybil it would take a blind man
not to see we love each other
feelings for you at least we've been together six times you know that
i like to what do i like to do again oh yeah walk on the ocean remember that
part
that's fun you like that symbol and what about the sunset when the sun that's
up in the air goes down
that's fine right and then we go to my place and a polar bear rug and
ship like that and every uh fireplace and i walk off on your foot and get some
champagne
like champagne do you enjoy champagne i didn't know which part are you talking
about you want some
champagne or not i said that or did you hear that i don't know i don't know
which just have your
champagne or they trick the lady men are deceptive creatures as we all know you
know and uh so
they probably tricked the lady they probably got the foot thing but they got to
not say it
they gotta pretend to be a regular dude and then they're like ah they finally
bed the lady you know
they're like ah what should her name be judy with an eye ah judy look at your
beautiful body you got hair and
shit but he's bluffing he wants his feet your hair looks good man it's yellow
and
then there's your head that's a good looking head you got
and then you got some oh you're a chesty lady huh
there's two kinds of fellas there's the rear end ladies and chesty uh lady men
i've always been a
chesty lady man anyway uh then you got some good lord i don't know what that is
anyway and then you
got you got this and then you whack off on the foot i don't know i think that's
how it might go
i mean the girl says you just whack off of my foot and you're like what uh what's
that what now we're
earlier or what what do you mean
it's not a beautiful encounter
i don't know imagine i'm gonna take some work but you know if they're good
husbands and providers who
cares come on yeah i really have no uh views on anything except i do have a
religious view
i believe uh in something myself and i believe that one religion i don't
believe all religions
are equal i believe one is not right and i believe one is right but i don't
know which one it is
and anyways that's a problem because if you accidentally picked the wrong one
then you
get up to heaven you go ah fuck it's you i thought it was the other guy
oh well but uh anyways i know one that is a completely wrong religion to join
and if you join it
you should leave it and go to a better religion it's the church of i don't know
if you've ever heard
it's the church of satan it's the devil i'm no religious scholar but i i know
that's the wrong
church the one the devil is the head of
in the devil church there's another god there's the devil but then there's a
guy that's more powerful
than the devil this is this is not most churches don't have that
a guy more powerful than the guy you worship
it's not in most churches
so please don't give your life to the devil
and if you do this is the way i know a lot of people like they want to make it
especially in this
crazy town you know they want to make it they want to be singers and actors and
acting and movies and
singing and songs and they're willing to trade their soul to the devil you know
i mean it happens all
the time every day and if it happens and listen mass hollywood don't kid
yourself
and uh and i'm not saying it's a bad idea i don't know if it's right or not to
sell your soul to the
devil i'm not gonna make those kind of judgments but if you do make sure he's
the actual devil
because i made a terrible mistake
it wasn't terrible but it cost me i was in a bar and i was like i was just by
myself and i was like
i was a young man and i said i would do anything to be the greatest hockey
player of all time and then
this fellow next to me he goes did you say anything right so i go yeah yeah
anything he goes would you
give me your soul and also uh two beers and i was like yeah sure i'll give you
my soul plus my eternal
soul plus two beers yes another guy murky two beers for my friend here
and then i went away and i i think my i got worse like back two weeks later i
was like
i got my hockey is now like i thought i'd get better and then he was like huh
and i'm like
you're the devil right he's like oh yeah yeah yeah and i go i'm not getting
better at hockey i don't
understand how i'm going to be so great and he goes like this he goes uh listen
you see that bartender
uh i figure he won't let me have those bar snacks at the end of the he says he's
tired of me
so what i'm going to do is i'm going to duck down quick see and you run over
and grab those
bar snacks bring them back real quick and i'll jump up and eat them
all right folks listen god bless you all i love you
lord mcdonald everybody

Norm Macdonald Live in Los Angeles - 2011

and ghosts they don't fucking scare me i mean i'm not trying to say i'm a big
shot you know i mean
i am i am saying that i am trying to say that i'm trying to say i'm a big shot
now i'm not trying to
say i'm no fucking tough guy but i am i'm a fucking tough guy i don't fucking
fight no um but i'm
saying i'm not afraid of ghosts and i'll tell you why first of all they're
invisible and shit
and when you let's say they go to punch you right their fucking hand goes right
through your body
i'm not scared of that fucker like the guy that scares me is the guy when he
punches you and then
his hand doesn't fucking disadvantage that fucker i don't like him a ghost i
like
and then like you know one time i went to this one time i went to a hotel and
they had a fucking
ghost was there and is that a ghost and uh you think you wouldn't put that on
the front of the
hotel some people might not show up not wanting to be haunted by a ghost but
anyways people would
show up at this hotel and uh i had to fucking stay there and anyways it said uh
there was this woman
there was a fucking ghost and her name was the uh the woman in the blue dress
you know and she haunted
the halls evidently i thought it was a reckless nickname first of all i would
have called her the ghost
i think that was her defining quality nothing i've seen blue dresses before
nothing terrifying about them
but uh anyway so the ghost shows up and what is the ghost really all they can
do is fucking startle you
you're like ah what the fuck oh here it goes you know what are you gonna do
hang around all the time
they're like ah you're like yeah okay because at first you'd be startled but by
you know six months
you're like yeah yeah you scared me out of here i was scared again they're like
ah why are you still here
i i forgot
and they're whiny those fucking ghosts and i'm like jeez god damn
they're always like ah i've gotta stay here and you're like why
and they're like ah because unfinished business
i must come to peace with it ah and you're like what about me you fucker
i'm the same i got the same problems as you except you can walk through the
fucking walls
i'd much rather be you a ghost
and of course the most frightening is the count uh dracula you know that fucker
the vampire
no the vampire does not the vampire is the oddest one to me because they go
listen that fucking vampire
is around today you know i heard he was around so uh we gotta get shit now
garlic and all this
stuff shit and everything and silver bullets and then we get a a two by six and
hewitt you know
so we get the proper and then we get a wooden uh mallet we got as the beast
descends upon us
we must strike him you know in the center of his chest and uh explode his heart
and kill this uh ancient uh
plague you know because if we don't if we make one small mistake he'll bite our
necks
and then we'll be immortal
what was that last part
what what i didn't hear the last part
and they bite your neck and you get to be a cool vampire forever
unless someone tricks you and gets makes you a pile of dust which would also be
a cool way to go out
but uh you get to be a vampire and then you're sexy so vampires are now sexy
which is cool you know women love vampires you probably love vampires right
yeah i don't know what it is but man women love vampires like uh like uh babies
love stray dogs you
know they're
they touch them somewhere deep within their soul i don't know what the fuck i
don't know what it is
i'm no doctor sometimes i claim to be a doctor but it's all in good fun
enjoy performing experiments on the human bodies have knives and if you like
that sort of thing you
have to be pretend to be a doctor that's pretty well the only way they'll let
you do it
i have the suit at home
now what about a doctor makes it like i can i don't know i don't even want to
be a doctor who
the fuck would want to be a doctor you got anybody a doctor you know what a
kind of doctor i'd be the
guy that hits the hits you with on the knee with that hammer that seems like a
good job
nothing ever goes wrong you know i've had my
fucking knee hit by a hammer about 300 fucking times by doctors nothing ever
wrong
they hit with it and then he's like ah fuck you then they're like excellent
write it down on a fucking paper that's exactly how you should react when i
strike your knee with a
hand but some things would be bad i was thinking today it'd be bad you know it'd
be bad if you're
if you're a type you know how people fuck you know like some people like like
to like if a dude will
fuck a dude or something or a lady will fuck a lady or whatever right everybody
laying down with everybody
else what what if your type you know what i mean because you have a type right
let's say like my
type's a lady i like to my thing is i like to find a lady then talk her into
let me lie down on top of her
it's my little thing i like to try it's extraordinarily difficult
but anyway other guys are more they like crazier things and they do crazier
things and uh
bears i was wondering about the ones imagine if uh you were the ones that only
like kids like you only
like fucking kids that would be the worst
they go what's your type i don't want to tell you
yeah what is it girls with big tits yeah let's say no not exactly i uh children
young children i like to have them so sexually attracted to very young children
i'll be going to prison one day
what about the ladies with the big breasts i don't care for them at all i don't
know what happened
what about dudes blowing them no i don't like that either four-year-old
children i don't know what
happened oh well i have a good life to look forward to being raped by uh with a
broomstick in prison
yeah that's my type
i mean that would be the worst type to have imagine that's you but you don't
think about it right
because you know if i don't want to do that shit but some people do and they go
i gotta fuck a kid
like who would do that but that's like us going i gotta get a lady or a dude or
whatever they're
like i gotta you know it's like a that's my job my dad did it my dad before him
i fuck kids that's what i do name's earl delaney
i haven't uh fucked a kid in two weeks i'm way behind
i got the boss up my ass he wants me to fuck more kids i said i only fuck so
many kids
you don't think there's guys with that job you don't think there's fellas that
have that job but
it turns out there are
so anyways i was wondering about these people that are i was wondering about
these people that are
fetishists you know because i go like my thing i like to lie down on top of
ladies
i've revealed that to you already and uh it's it's it's not easy at all so i
think if it's harder
if you're one of those guys like a lady has to whip your back your balls
then i go how the fuck you ever find anybody
or like your foot or some thing like that like uh because these guys they love
feasts some guys
right look there's two kinds of people
two kinds of guys there's guys who think that pretty well every foot looks
pretty well the same
that's one group then there's another group that believe the foot is the most
sexual object on the body hey and who is to say who is right i think it's the
first group
i think overwhelmingly people would say the first group is correct
all feet look pretty well alike
but anyway i don't know how you bring this up to the lady you know you go ah sybil
or whatever her name is
ah sybil it would take a blind man
not to see we love each other
feelings for you at least we've been together six times you know that
i like to what do i like to do again oh yeah walk on the ocean remember that
part
that's fun you like that symbol and what about the sunset when the sun that's
up in the air goes down
that's fine right and then we go to my place and a polar bear rug and
ship like that and every uh fireplace and i walk off on your foot and get some
champagne
like champagne do you enjoy champagne i didn't know which part are you talking
about you want some
champagne or not i said that or did you hear that i don't know i don't know
which just have your
champagne or they trick the lady men are deceptive creatures as we all know you
know and uh so
they probably tricked the lady they probably got the foot thing but they got to
not say it
they gotta pretend to be a regular dude and then they're like ah they finally
bed the lady you know
they're like ah what should her name be judy with an eye ah judy look at your
beautiful body you got hair and
shit but he's bluffing he wants his feet your hair looks good man it's yellow
and
then there's your head that's a good looking head you got
and then you got some oh you're a chesty lady huh
there's two kinds of fellas there's the rear end ladies and chesty uh lady men
i've always been a
chesty lady man anyway uh then you got some good lord i don't know what that is
anyway and then you
got you got this and then you whack off on the foot i don't know i think that's
how it might go
i mean the girl says you just whack off of my foot and you're like what uh what's
that what now we're
earlier or what what do you mean
it's not a beautiful encounter
i don't know imagine i'm gonna take some work but you know if they're good
husbands and providers who
cares come on yeah i really have no uh views on anything except i do have a
religious view
i believe uh in something myself and i believe that one religion i don't
believe all religions
are equal i believe one is not right and i believe one is right but i don't
know which one it is
and anyways that's a problem because if you accidentally picked the wrong one
then you
get up to heaven you go ah fuck it's you i thought it was the other guy
oh well but uh anyways i know one that is a completely wrong religion to join
and if you join it
you should leave it and go to a better religion it's the church of i don't know
if you've ever heard
it's the church of satan it's the devil i'm no religious scholar but i i know
that's the wrong
church the one the devil is the head of
in the devil church there's another god there's the devil but then there's a
guy that's more powerful
than the devil this is this is not most churches don't have that
a guy more powerful than the guy you worship
it's not in most churches
so please don't give your life to the devil
and if you do this is the way i know a lot of people like they want to make it
especially in this
crazy town you know they want to make it they want to be singers and actors and
acting and movies and
singing and songs and they're willing to trade their soul to the devil you know
i mean it happens all
the time every day and if it happens and listen mass hollywood don't kid
yourself
and uh and i'm not saying it's a bad idea i don't know if it's right or not to
sell your soul to the
devil i'm not gonna make those kind of judgments but if you do make sure he's
the actual devil
because i made a terrible mistake
it wasn't terrible but it cost me i was in a bar and i was like i was just by
myself and i was like
i was a young man and i said i would do anything to be the greatest hockey
player of all time and then
this fellow next to me he goes did you say anything right so i go yeah yeah
anything he goes would you
give me your soul and also uh two beers and i was like yeah sure i'll give you
my soul plus my eternal
soul plus two beers yes another guy murky two beers for my friend here
and then i went away and i i think my i got worse like back two weeks later i
was like
i got my hockey is now like i thought i'd get better and then he was like huh
and i'm like
you're the devil right he's like oh yeah yeah yeah and i go i'm not getting
better at hockey i don't
understand how i'm going to be so great and he goes like this he goes uh listen
you see that bartender
uh i figure he won't let me have those bar snacks at the end of the he says he's
tired of me
so what i'm going to do is i'm going to duck down quick see and you run over
and grab those
bar snacks bring them back real quick and i'll jump up and eat the