Name: Norm Macdonald Live in Austin, TX - 2010
Uploaded: 2021-10-21T04:43:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Austin, TX - 2010' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Austin, TX - 2010' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-21. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live in Austin, TX - 2010

Are you guys ready for your headlining?
Thank you, Norm.
You know, you love him.
Here we go here to see Mr. Norm McDonough.
Thank you guys, man. You're sweet.
Listen, I gotta tell you, though.
Last time I was here, I ate at Draculas, you know?
So, this time I came, and I learned a lot, you know?
Because I didn't eat there last night because I was too afraid, you know?
And so I ate there before, like, the first show, and it was, like, around, uh...
Hey, how you doing?
It was, like, it was, like, around, uh...
I was just saying I ate over at Draculas.
So, uh...
I ate right before the first show, so it was around, uh...
What would that be? Around 7 o'clock until about 8, I was eating.
Anyway, I noticed a very strange thing was happening.
People were eating, enjoying themselves, having a good time, you know, at Draculas.
And, uh...
Suddenly, man, the mood began to change, and I couldn't figure out why.
And then I realized why.
The sun was going down.
So, people started eating faster and shit.
There was this couple next to me, and the guy's like, "Come on, Marge, I'm
telling ya!"
"You gotta get out of here, see?"
And she's like, "I just have to finish this cheesecake."
He's going...
"We've been here five times, we're pushing our luck as it is!"
If it wasn't for my love of Transylvanian food, I'm going to make a trip.
I'm telling ya, we gotta get out of here.
Because, of course, people there are all afraid that, uh, because the thing
about Dracula's restaurant is, you hope that it's just like a cute name that
they picked for their restaurant, you know?
And what you really hope is that it is not owned by Count Dracula.
So, you know...
Cause he's alive, you know?
He's undead.
He's never not been alive.
So, uh...
And he's not a vampire all the time.
He's gotta fuckin' do something.
To make a living.
They don't pay you for being a vampire.
So, uh...
So naturally you're afraid, you know?
But anyways, I found out today, it's all a bunch of nonsense, you know?
It's just an urban legend that that restaurant is owned by Count Dracula.
Is that true?
It's, uh, it's owned by a nice couple.
Nice couple.
It's not even Transylvanian food.
It's just, uh...
It's all American food.
It's, uh...
Uh...
Fred and Rose.
I met them.
Fred and Rose Dracula.
Their last name is Dracula.
It was Fred's idea.
The restaurant.
His father was a restaurateur.
And, uh...
So anyways.
I did voice my concerns to him though.
I said, "Don't anybody, you don't any afraid?
People are gonna be worried?"
And he's like, "About what?"
I go, "You know, vampires and shit that...
That they'll come to the restaurant and they'll be vampires?"
So then, Fred Dracula, right?
He says to me...
He says, "What's a vampire?"
I'm like, "Wait a second. Hold on a second."
"You tellin' me your name is Dracula?"
"And you've never heard of vampires?"
"Like nobody's ever made a joke to you or nothin'?"
"About you being a vampire?"
He's like, "No."
So then, and now I'm really suspecting he is a fuckin' Dracula.
Cause that's a lie.
That's a fuckin' lie.
Whatever, whatever.
Anyway, I had a pork chop, so that's the good side.
Every story has to have a good side.
And the good side was, I ate a pork chop.
But, uh, it was delicious.
But, uh, I'm not really afraid of monsters anymore, you know?
I don't even know what I was thinking.
You know, we spend our time, and you think about it, you know?
When you really look at it for real, you know, in life,
and you think, "What am I afraid of?"
"Like, what am I really afraid of?"
Like, deep down, right?
Deep down inside, like, "What really makes me afraid?"
And then the answer is, uh, monsters, you know?
But then, like, when you fuckin' stop to think about it for a moment,
you go, "Are they really that frightening?"
You know?
A monster?
Like, um...
You know what I also hate is when movies, like, exploit our fears.
You know?
Our natural fears.
And then they try to manipulate us by making movies
that will, you know, tap into those natural fears.
Like, there's this movie out now called The Wolfman.
And that's tapping into our natural fear of wolfmen.
You know?
And, uh, I'm afraid of a wolfman as much as the next guy, you know?
And also a werewolf, which is very close to a wolfman.
Think about it.
I don't know how those monsters are so close, but whatever.
I don't know everything about monsters, but I know that, uh, you know, they're
very close.
And if you got, uh, you know, attacked by a werewolf, and, uh, and then later
somebody was like, "What happened? A werewolf? I think it was a wolfman."
People wouldn't have that argument.
You know?
You know, that's a half a man and a half a wolf.
But anyways, when you think about it, you stop to think, you go, "Hey, should I
really be afraid of a werewolf or a wolfman?"
You know?
Sure, it's, uh, scary.
It's a half a man and a half a wolf.
But I'll tell you something that's twice as scary as that: a wolf!
You know?
You know, spend our nights feverishly worried about them like we do with the
werewolves, you know?
But at least if you're half a man, then when he's a man, you can fucking talk
to him.
You can deal with it, you know?
Not for money.
They like money, men, you know?
But a fucking wolf will just eat you.
That's how they do it.
Anyways, whatever.
And, uh, whatever.
Ghosts, you know?
You're supposed to be so fucking afraid of them.
And, uh, I was never afraid of them.
I don't like to say I'm the bravest guy in the world.
I mean, I like saying that, but...
But, uh, I've never been afraid of ghosts.
Even as a child, I was never afraid of them.
I'd see them on the TV and everything, you know?
But, uh, for some reason, they didn't scare me like other people.
Because to me, they're just, they come in and they go, "Ahhh!"
But, uh, first of all, they're fucking invisible.
Like, they're transparent.
You can put your hand through them.
That's not something that frightens me about someone.
You know?
You're the guys that scare me.
You ever see those guys where you fucking can't put your hands through the fucker?
Those guys can do you damage.
You know?
But our ghost is like, "Ahhh!"
You're like, "Alright, whatever."
You startled me again.
Nice to see you.
We've lived in the same house for the last two years.
"I'll be hovering over your bed tonight, I hope you're..."
But, uh, and I went to a hotel, there was a ghost that said right at the
fucking, like, where you sign in there plus?
Check, uh, check sign?
Is that a check sign?
Is that a check sign?
Whatever.
They had a little sign that said, "There's a ghost lives in the hotel."
See?
And her name was Mary with the blue dress.
They had a little, like, a fucking thing.
And, uh, you'd think they wouldn't put that on, you know?
Yes, they do.
And, uh, so the story with Mary is, she had been hatcheted.
Someone had hatcheted her years ago, you know?
And, uh, in the hotel.
And so she was haunting this hotel, you see?
And, uh, uh, because she had been hatcheted into the hotel.
I don't know if she was hatcheted in the actual hotel, but, you know.
She could have been hatcheted, like, in a nearby ditch.
And then she said, "I'm not haunting a fucking ditch."
"I'm gonna go down the ways they have that, uh, uh, hotel."
Hang around there for a while to startle people.
So, she went down.
Anyways, whatever.
And, uh, she never, I never saw her.
She never visited me.
There's only so many rooms, as the desk clerk told me when I was trying to get
a refund.
And, uh, she couldn't have her around my bed.
But, anyways.
Mary with the blue dress.
Who I was also gotten in an argument with the, uh, front desk guy, because I
said,
"I really think her nickname should be Mary the Ghost."
"Cause that, to me, is her most, like, you know, I'm seeing ladies with blue
dresses and shit."
"I think her transparency and her being dead is more, uh, you know, more unique
to Mary."
"In some old blue dress."
"You know those complaining ghosts?
You ever know that?
I was fucking carping about something, you know?"
"Uh, uh, uh, uh."
"You're like, what?
What the fuck are you complaining about today?"
"What's your story again?"
"I got hatcheted."
"Oh yeah, whatever."
"What was that, 300 years ago?"
And they're like, "Oh, you don't understand."
"Uh, I'll never be at peace until, uh, I have to find a guy or else I'll never
be at peace."
"I have to walk through the world.
Oh, I'm not at peace."
You know?
And then you're like, "Well, me too, you fucker."
"Life's a donkey ride to heaven over here."
"At least you don't even walk through walls and shit."
"You know?
You can do cool things."
And actually, now that I think about it, even Dracula, who I'm more afraid of
than anybody.
Whatever.
Maybe he shouldn't be afraid.
When you think about it, actually, you think about it, you go, "Hey man, fuck,
I'm afraid of Dracula."
"I better get some, uh, garlic shit."
"Carry that around, just in case."
"And, uh, and also I will, uh, get a two by six, and I will hew it."
"First I'll learn how to hew."
"Then I will hew it into a, into a steak that's spelled S-T-A-K-E."
"And then, when I finally see Dracula, or one of his minions, you know?"
"Then I will place that, uh, sharp, stick-pointed part between his breast bones,
and with the wooden mallet that I've also hewn."
"I will, I will, with all my might, slam that, uh, that steak until it breaks
through the, uh, the deadly, uh, vampire's, uh, chest cavity, which just splits
his two limbs and breaks through his heart and smashes his heart."
"You only have a moment to do it, you know?"
"It's very tough to do, you have to get it right on the right part, and if you
fuck up, uh, the vampire will bite your neck, and then you will have eternal
life."
"It's not that bad, when you think it through, it's really nice, you know, you're
not going to lose that much if you miss."
"You live forever, I don't know."
"Maybe you shouldn't even be afraid of vampires, now that I think about it."
"Then you just go to a vampire's house, this would freak them out."
"Go, hey listen, I know you're a vampire."
"I've suspected for a long time, there's been a lot of time."
"First of all, you've lived on this block for 2,000 years."
"Anyways, we check the records, you know, they have a housing representation."
"But anyways, here's the point, I know you're a vampire, and, uh, there's no
use trying to hypnotize me with your eyes and all that shit."
"You know, I can't, I want you to bite my neck."
"Would you do that? I don't know if they do that."
"I think they, well, they will only do it against your will."
"But I wouldn't mind that, man, having my neck bit by a vampire, and then being
a cool vampire and shit."
"And, uh, they dress good, they always look good, you know."
"Women love vampires."
"Jesus Christ, man, women can't get enough of fucking vampires."
"I wonder where it is."
"But, you know, it's like, they like bad boys or something, they always love
vampires."
"I don't know."
"All I know is women love vampires like, uh, uh, like babies love stray dogs."
"I don't know what, it touches them somewhere deep within their soul."
"It's right over the bottom, whatever."
"But anyways, I got, so I got the, uh, what I was gonna say is I got the pork
chop at the, at the bar."
"I got a, I actually have a strand of pork in my, uh, teeth, as we speak."
"I got a little interesting side note."
"That I, uh, whatever."
"So, as I do my show, you can watch this, this will be a little something extra,
you can see a little subtext."
"As I do my jokes, I will also be, uh, brushing my tongue against this one
tooth."
"I'm trying to get that fucking strand right of my, uh, strand of pork in it."
"That's interesting."
"And then I'll eat it."
"That's what I do when I go."
"Some people don't consider that gross."
"I even, myself, kind of consider it a little gross."
"But, still, I do it."
"It takes me, because sometimes it'll take like an hour or an hour."
"I'll chew it up."
"And, uh, it tastes different than the pork that you, uh, were born."
"It's been, it's been basting in plaque for a while."
"Which y