Name: Norm Macdonald Live In Boston - 03/23/2019
Uploaded: 2021-11-03T20:47:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Boston - 03/23/2019' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Boston - 03/23/2019' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-03. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live In Boston - 03/23/2019

Welcome Norm Rizano!
Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.
Listen, this is...
I love Goural and Boston.
I love you!
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do every time!
I see my hair!
I came out to Portland.
That was the last place I was.
I don't know where to go to Portland.
I was in Oregon.
But god damn, it's weird.
First of all, is everybody a hippie?
I don't know if that's, but they're damn dirty hippies.
So, I live in the car,
you know, we're actually at a hotel
in Portland. They got to start telling me,
"Oh, everybody, nobody's racist in Portland."
I'm like, "What?"
Like, "Oh no,
there's no racism."
And then I'm driving to the hotel.
There's not a single black person anywhere.
Like, for this place, I'm like,
I'm like, "How does that feel like you're saying
you're not racist, but there's no
black people in your city?"
And then the guy goes, "We got our share.
Don't worry."
Wait, what?
Why are all racist?
I don't know what that is.
Like, when you go to get the battalion,
you gotta fucking say something racist.
And then you get in the cab,
I think, uh, like, uh,
the guy's always playing, right?
And then what do you do? You don't know.
You know, I guess if I was a better person,
I would argue, but I just want to get home to where I am.
I don't want to be on crossfire or something.
So, because I want the guy to talk me out,
you know?
So I disagree.
I don't bring any bad out,
but whatever the guy says,
it's Americano penis.
I'm like, "Oh, yeah, yeah."
He did have the right idea.
He's like, "Hey, I gotta get off of the air.
What about my own racist?"
And you don't even know what race he's against.
Like, 'cause he got words that you don't understand.
Like, I'm gonna have a guy's rhymes,
and I had to tell you what's the rhyme of the world.
I'm like, "Oh, my God, is it again?"
He's like, "I'll tell you what,
there's too many brinkle heads."
I have brinkle heads.
Well, I didn't know.
I don't know if I was supposed to hate it.
I was trying to research it.
I looked up.
I didn't even think it was a word brinkle.
Anyway.
Sometimes a guy will be too not racist,
and that's suspicious.
See what I mean?
He goes, "I don't care what color a guy is,
if he's white or brown or green."
And I'm like, "What is green?"
"What?"
"If a guy is green."
"Shoot to kill."
"Cause I was in Marcia."
"You know, we're killing.
He shoots who it is."
"Dematerializing guns."
I was in Las Vegas, Nevada, and then, you like Las Vegas, Nevada?
I have a bit of a, I have a bit of a gambling problem, right?
But, here's what I know, is you're just a snippet of conversation, and then you
figure out the whole thing.
You know?
Like, uh, like one time I remember a white guy, there's two homeless dudes, and
one homeless dude, he looks at the other guy, they're just sitting there, and
he says to the other guy, he goes, "When the fuck were you ever goalie for the
Montreal Canadiens?"
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"None of those guys are horse shakers."
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"What are they doing?"
"One of the guys, you know, you ever meet guys, are pathological liars?"
"Like, they lie so big, and it makes you embarrassed?"
"You should be embarrassed, but you're embarrassed, he's sad."
"Like, one time I had his job to wash dishes, and the guy next to me, his job
also was to wash dishes."
"And it was in a Tobacco, Ontario, this is an old spaghetti factory."
"Oh, it's great."
"You can't..."
"Listen, if old spaghetti is your thing?"
"To the factory?"
"I don't know."
"But I'm watching dishes, and the guy, Bruce Springsteen comes to the farm,
which was a different way, but I said,
"Hey, Tony."
"I said, so Bruce Springsteen came last week in Toronto."
"Yeah, I partied with them."
"I'm like, alright."
"And then he's like, 'You can ask my brother!'"
"He's all defensive."
"I'm like, 'Oh, you know what? I don't wanna call a brother either."
"Yeah, this is Tony's brother listen, man."
"I've washed dishes beside him."
"You know what's the spaghetti factory?"
"Um, I'm just calling to confirm so I don't know why I'm the first sugar."
"I'm sniffing too much."
"You know, I'm all excited, I'm sniffling, and then I get worried that I'm on
cocaine."
"And then I get a parent."
"Plus, you know, I'm cocaine."
"It's also next to me."
"I don't want to get a big thing to care of me."
"Listen, I have enough cocaine for everybody."
"But listen, here's what I was gonna tell you about Las Vegas."
"I forgot what I was gonna tell you this now."
"So I heard a snippet of conversation in the elevator going down the floor."
"And from that snippet, I felt I was listening to..."
"You know how people come to Las Vegas sometimes and they have a system?"
"You know, they come there and they've got a system, they're gonna break the
bank."
"They're gonna bust the casino with their system."
"And sometimes these systems actually do not work at all."
"I think I saw, like, the unravel of a system."
"Because there was a dude and a lady, and I think they were married."
"And then, just out of the blue, the dude turns to the lady and goes, 'I don't
give a fuck what I said, give me the money!"
"Just give me the rest of the money!"
"So here, I build a system."
"And I've got it for a family."
"And I was gonna go to another system where he bent it all out, Brad."
"But that returned to the person."
"Yeah, I've bent out, Brad."
"This shows me how irrational, again, you are when you gamble, right?"
"I went to the, uh, where Lexi was, but $200 an hour of bread."
"And then the bottle spins around, it lands out black."
"And then I go, 'Fuck, I almost picked that!'"
"I'm like, 'Damn it!'"
"And I never understood me at the table."
"You're like, 'Ah, well, you gotta get over the bank, you gotta go out here
first."
"You don't tell anything about the game of broulette."
"I flew the flight to that airplane that was turbulent, you know, I scared me."
"I don't like flying in the airplane."
"But here's the thing, here's a little tip for you there."
"I always sit in the exit room of the airplane because you get like about six
inches extra labor."
"And all you need to do is lie to the people."
"I was gonna say, 'Stewart' best, but they're not calling anyone."
"But the flight attendants."
"When I was a boy, if you were a lady flight attendant, you'd call her a steward."
"It was a male flight attendant, you know."
"Fifty time, two more times."
"When the flight attendant comes up, and then they ask you, if the plane goes
down, and it's smashed into the pavement at 900 miles an hour."
"And that's beautiful as it's built by the white, black smoke or racing order,
would you find them getting anywhere else out there?"
"And then I go, 'Yes.' They made me say it."
"You have to say it. It won't be binding unless you say it out loud."
"And then all six of us, 'Yes.' Like six out of six people. What are the
chances of that?"
"So we were all lying, because of course we wouldn't."
"Please, no."
"And 'Yes,' we say."
"I was going to ask you. It's funny that you asked me."
"I was about to ask you if I could let other people go out first."
"Well, worth the extra, through itchers, over my knees."
"But, oh, this is another thing I heard. I guess I kind of, uh, tuned out the,
uh, the, uh, announcements."
"You know?"
"But, they have a new thing where the mask, instead of going, 'Ah, should the
mask drop, make sure to put it on your own face first before your child."
"And then I was like, 'I have my plan, I don't tell you anything.'
But, they tell you this stuff, because I think they just want to relax you,
because, you know, it doesn't really ever happen, you know?"
"But, you never turn on TV, 'Oh, a plane crashed into the Pacific Ocean,' but
don't worry if I had to float around in the sea."
"And then listen to the plane, you know?"
"The plane crashed, and then, you ever see a fucking, you know what happens to
you when a plane crashes, how that impact is so heavy, that you're not even, uh,
rep, you just, uh, become, like, uh, stuck."
"I don't know how to describe it, but, because they'll show pictures of an
airplane crash, and you don't see a single thing that looks like a human."
"It's a plane load of stuff, and then, the victims of the families of the stuff,
they want to get, there's no kind of stuff."
"The cow remains, but they say, 'Hey, the families want the remains.'
"Oh, I've got to get the remains, that's very big."
"Because then they have closure, you know, so maybe some sort of, you know what
I mean?"
"You know what I mean? They go, 'God damn, I can't go to sleep at night.'
"All I keep thinking of is Robbie's, boy, I can see his remains."
"I don't have to be able to have a good night's sleep at night. I'm going to
put that behind him."
"I'm going to put that chapter behind him."
"But, meanwhile, you're not getting Robbie anyway, because this is plain little
stuff."
"Let's be honest, now they go, 'Hey, look, look at that lock of strawberry
blind.'
"It looked like Robbie looked at it."
"When somebody had a headphone around here, there was another headphone coming
out, put that over there."
"They don't have time for that to get up."
"God damn, I got to get stuff."
"Maybe they buy an ID, but look at this guy, Norm says he weighed 190 pounds."
"Okay, shovel, 190 pounds of stuff."
"Into a bag, put a bag."
"Wait for him, I guess I have it."
"Instead of Norm's mother, she's weighing out..."
"What about the bag?"
"And then my mother goes, 'Oh!'
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having three eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"I don't remember when I'm having four eyeballs."
"And then I know you're going to have to wrestle with that idea of cantaloupe.
"I'm assuming a fellow cantaloupe."
"You know, I'm getting cantaloupe."
"You know, I'm getting cantaloupe."
"You know, I'm getting cantaloupe."
"You know, I'm getting cantaloupe."
"You know, my boy is fucking fighting that."
"You know, I talk, I got to go to frost."
"Like, I'm not going to talk about it tonight because I'm not a bully."
"Well, I'm going to entertain us, I'm talking about it too."
"You know, I'm not eating people."
