Name: Norm Macdonald Live in Columbus, OH (10:30PM LATE SHOW) - 2020
Uploaded: 2021-11-05T23:02:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Columbus, OH (10:30PM LATE SHOW) - 2020' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Columbus, OH (10:30PM LATE SHOW) - 2020' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-05. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live in Columbus, OH (10:30PM LATE SHOW) - 2020

Are you guys excited to see Norm MacDonald?
The next comic coming to the stage is an icon.
He is a living legend.
You might know him from Saturday Night Live.
You might know him from his award-winning, maybe, podcast.
He recently wrote a book called Based on a True Story.
Please welcome to the stage
your friend and mine, Mr. Norm MacDonald!
You're all right. You're all right.
Does this work?
Yeah, you're all right.
Okay.
Thanks, Joe.
You're all right.
You're all right, okay?
You're all right.
You're all right.
You're all right.
Hey, listen, man.
Hey, how are you doing, guys?
I like being here.
I like playing casinos because I'm a degenerate gambler.
and, uh, they know it, you know.
That's what they're paid off in chips a lot, you know.
You can tell.
Sometimes just one big chip.
That's really insulting.
There are casinos where, you know what I like is casinos, you know, because
there's the Vegas,
then there's the casinos like this, and then there's Indian casinos, which I
like the best,
because I feel like I'm doing some reparations, you know, for methodically
murdering their, uh, forefathers.
Which, looking back, was way out of line, way out of line, way out of line.
But, uh,
I've pretty well done my share of paying back, I'll tell you that.
I got no guilt.
I fucking paid my, fuck, I paid some of you guys this fucking share.
I was in Vegas, that's funny, I'm in Vegas, and now I'm here in, uh, Hollywood.
I don't know if anybody thinks they're fooling about it.
Fuck me and that.
Well, it's down to two choices.
Phil
is going with Columbus.
Bob's going with Hollywood.
No, no, this is, it's...
Plus, I live in L.A.
Hollywood is a piece of shit.
Like, I didn't realize
until I moved to Hollywood.
It's like a fake place, like, you know,
because you, I thought Beverly Hill building some shit.
Everything was like that.
But if you've ever been to Hollywood, it's fucking horrible.
Like, there's the stars on the ground,
but you don't know any of them.
They're from radio and shit.
And then people are pissing on them.
Like,
that's not a way to, you know,
make
Bob Hope's family feel good.
You know what?
When you go to a casino,
because when I was in Vegas and down here,
people will sometimes come and they'll have a system.
You know what I mean?
They'll have a system.
They're going to break the bank.
You know what I mean?
They're going to beat the casino.
And sometimes these systems actually do not work at all.
And this is what I saw.
It was a couple months ago,
but let's pretend it's today.
I was on the elevator today.
No, it was a golf musk.
And a month later,
I figured out a joke.
Anyways,
I got on the elevator and this is what I heard.
It was just,
all there was was a man and his wife on the elevator.
And I got on,
so it was just us three.
And tension.
There was a lot of tension.
So it was just us four.
And we were going down
and it was getting more and more tense.
And suddenly the guy out of the blue,
he goes,
he says to his wife,
he goes,
I don't give a fuck what I said.
Give me the money.
Like that.
So I think,
I think I was witnessing like the unraveling
of a system of some sort.
Like that,
this fellow was calling an audible,
you see.
Vegas has a very,
weird,
odd slogan.
You know what I mean?
Like,
like,
you know how to use that slogan?
You're like,
Atlanta,
Georgia.
Hey,
you like peaches?
I don't know what they are,
but I should have,
I should have done some research on this,
but you know what I'm talking about.
Virginia,
for people who like to lay down on ladies
or whatever,
you know.
You've heard them.
Columbus,
we're actually Hollywood.
I don't know,
anyway.
But Vegas has this one that's so shady.
It says,
whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,
you know,
which is like,
good God,
you know.
You might as well just have a guy going like,
what kind of a shady,
and also it's not true.
It's not like you can just kill someone
and leave.
You know,
they'll follow you.
They'll hunt you down,
bring you back.
They'll try you,
and I'm part of a jerky of your peers.
Sniffling a lot tonight,
and I'm,
makes me paranoid when I sniffle,
because I think you guys will think I'm on cocaine,
and I'm also,
I am on a lot of cocaine,
and so that makes me paranoid as well.
So the combination
of being on cocaine
and being worried you guys think I am on cocaine,
even though I'm not,
hell of a cocktail,
you know.
Anyways,
my point is,
this is Las Vegas.
Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
So I thought about it.
I started ruminating on it,
trying to figure out what it meant.
I started night after night,
not being able to sleep,
trying to figure out the slogan,
and then I finally figured it out.
All it really means is,
you can go to Las Vegas,
have sex with a prostitute,
and the prostitute will not tell your wife back home.
They're very discreet,
that big time Las Vegas prostitutes.
you know,
they're not like the
fucking gossipy small town whores.
You know,
those fucking blabbermouths.
Don't know when to keep their mouth shut,
you know,
in the beauty parlor.
You're Alec Majerison's wife.
Well,
my God,
small world,
I took a shit on.
Last night,
I took a shit on his chest
in exchange for cash.
Small world.
What is your small world?
Isn't that a weird thing,
small world?
I don't believe that the world's small.
Seems very large to me.
Like,
like,
this seems large.
And compared to the world,
this is shit.
I don't want to,
I don't want to,
I don't mean to insult you
or anything like that.
But you're all shit.
You're much smaller than the world,
that's all I'm saying.
But you know,
the way people use that term,
let's say you go to Paris, France,
you know,
and you go,
you're watching,
you're looking at the Arch of Triumph.
I should have started with a French word.
It's not the Arch of Triumph, is it?
The Arch de Triumph.
And you're watching it,
and there's a fellow standing next to you,
and you go,
hey,
I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
And the other guy goes,
I'm from Columbus, Ohio, too.
You go,
small world,
small world,
you know.
And I don't,
I think that happens very rarely, though.
So,
I don't believe that it's a small world.
I think,
I think most of the conversations
in front of the Arch de Triumph
go like this.
Go like,
hey,
I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
Where are you from?
I'm from Paris,
France.
You know.
Well,
that's a big fucking world,
I'll tell you that.
God damn,
there's a giant globe.
Hardly nobody knows anybody.
You know what's a thing I realize about gambling?
Very rational.
This is what I heard myself say
at a,
again,
we can pretend it's today.
But I'm at one,
this happened,
I'm at a roulette table.
I walked,
this is how irrational you are
when you're gambling.
And,
and I heard myself say this.
I go to the craft,
the roulette table,
rather,
I put a hundred dollars down
on black.
It spins around
and it lands on red.
And then I say,
fuck,
I almost picked that.
That's going to be rational.
And the entire table understood.
That was also,
they were like,
well,
yeah,
you can't second guess yourself on that.
if you understand anything
about the game of roulette.
God damn.
Took an airplane
from Las Vegas,
Nevada.
I get scared
of those motherfuckers,
even though,
you know,
I probably get killed
on an airplane.
But you know what I do?
I get the,
the row,
it's called the exit row.
You know what I mean?
It should be called,
please God,
not the exit row.
But it's called
the exit row.
And it's good
because you get
about a foot extra
leg.
And all you have to do
to get the extra
leg room,
all you have to do
to sit
in the exit row
is to lie.
what happens is
the stewardess
comes up to you
and she's
flight attendant.
She comes up to you.
A lot of new words,
all right?
Okay.
I come from
a different time.
Usually people say that
from the future,
but I'm saying it
from the past.
I come to you
from a different time
when stewardesses,
I come to you
from a time
when if you were
a lady
and you were
a flight attendant,
we would call you
a stewardess.
And if you were
a gentleman
and you were
a flight attendant,
we would call you,
well,
it doesn't matter.
Yeah.
A steward.
A steward.
What were you guys
thinking?
I think I'm
outraged now.
I'm outraged
by what you guys
thought in your brains.
I'm leaving
in a huff.
I got the new huff.
Have you tried it?
It's the Chrysler huff.
I'm going to be
leaving in it,
so.
I can't be,
you know what?
You know,
I don't know
how anyone
can be outraged
by anything.
Like,
I can see it
way back
in the old days,
but nowadays,
what the fuck?
You think,
like,
how could I be
outraged
by watching
some guy
on stage
saying something?
You know,
I've seen
internet
pornography.
Once you've seen this,
Anthony Jezelnik
is not going
to make you.
I mean,
this shit,
by the way,
if you've never seen
pornography
on the internet,
don't.
Because
it's going
to change you.
Fundamentally,
and you're never
going to be able
to come back.
It takes years
and years.
God,
the first time
I ever,
I came on late
to it,
probably the first time
about six years ago.
People have been
watching along
before that.
And I thought
in my stupid head
that it was just
a picture.
Like,
you know,
sometimes a guy
would show me
a picture
from the internet
of it being like
a lady
with a horse.
But the picture
was just put together.
Right?
Like,
photoshopped.
I thought
that's what,
stupidly,
I thought that's
what internet porn was.
Anyways,
six years ago,
I see actual
internet porn.
And at first,
I'm astounded.
First of all,
by the number
of ladies.
Like,
I go,
what?
God's like,
it's like
one of 36
of 3,400,000,000,000.
You're like,
is every woman
a horse?
What happened?
Like,
and the things
they're doing,
I'm like,
holy lord,
no lady
has ever done
anything to me
anywhere close
to this.
And I was
on the TV.
I go,
how can this
be possibly
happening?
But then
you change.
What happens
is you become
desensitized.
You've heard
of that word?
Oh, yeah,
they like to use it
in big bucks
to make you sleepy.
But what it means
is it's not
enough for you.
You need more.
You need more.
Like any addiction,
you know?
Like,
after a few months
of that internet porn,
you're like,
ah,
she can only take
eight cocks
of her ass.
Why'd you get
in the business
of that fucking
prude?
I'll find
another thing.
I'll find
a worse thing
a person can do
to another person.
I need it,
I tell you.
I got to get
out of that shit.
I don't know
what the poor
children are doing,
you know what I mean?
I mean,
when I was young,
we had, like,
a playboy or whatever.
I remember my dad
saying,
when I was young,
all I needed
was to see, like,
Lana Turner's
ankle
walking down the stairs.
Which I also
thought was weird.
You're like,
ah!
Ankle,
you know?
I don't want
to get,
you know,
but I saw
a thing,
you know,
people should tell
you what they're
showing you
on the internet
before they show
you,
you know what I'm
saying?
Just go,
here you go,
ah!
That's the worst
thing ever!
Why did you
show me that?
So anyways,
a guy showed
me a picture
of a lady
making sweet
love to a
pig.
A pig,
like an actual
pig.
farm,
you know,
barnyard animal,
the pig.
You're all
familiar with a pig,
I don't have to
put too fine
a point on it
when I keep
saying pig,
do I?
So,
I felt so,
God,
I didn't want
to watch,
I felt sorry
for the lady,
I felt sorry
for the,
I felt sorry
for the pig,
you know?
I know a lot
of people wouldn't
feel sorry
for the pig,
but you gotta
figure,
you know,
you gotta think
of the pig's
life,
like,
the pig's
in a stye
with a bunch
of fucking
other gross,
ugly,
fat pigs,
and they
have sex
and then one
day they take
them and
they have a
beautiful lady,
you know,
and he's like,
holy lord,
I never knew
it could be
like this,
you know,
and then the next
day they throw
them back
in the stye,
he's like,
ah!
you're all
a bunch
of fat pigs,
I didn't
know before,
you take
the pig
from the
farm
and onto
a porno
shoot,
but you
can't take
the porno
shoot
from the
pig
and give
it back
to the
farm,
I think
we all
know
that
thing,
do you
know
what my
doctor told
me,
by the way,
as on a
related note,
I am on
the s