Name: Norm Macdonald Live @ The Houston Improv - 2008
Uploaded: 2021-11-06T19:19:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live @ The Houston Improv - 2008' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live @ The Houston Improv - 2008' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-06. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live @ The Houston Improv - 2008

With all that said, are you guys ready for your headliner tonight?
Let's try that again. I said, are you ready for your headliner tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen, the improv is proud to present Norm MacDonald!
That was a little difficult. I got to start working out and shit because I don't
think that's supposed to be hard.
I'm never sure what's shaving me because I don't figure out what other people
shave I'm in, so I don't know how far I'm behind any other shit.
But anyways, uh, hey, what about Steve Framstein, right? Do you like him?
But seriously, did anybody buy that shit about when he's like, hey man, you
read all the stories in newspapers about people fucking their animals?
Everybody's like, what the fuck? I was watching you. I was like, no.
I've never read that once in a newspaper.
He was like, yeah, yeah, it's a big thing. It's a big story. It just came out
at this point.
I'm like, yeah, I guess, I guess we believe, you know.
Whatever.
Fucking whatever periodicals he gets.
But anyways,
listen man,
I was thinking about the bronze medal because I was watching the Olympics.
And I was thinking, like, for the first place, to give you gold, that's a
precious medal, right?
That's a medal that you want in real life, even if you're not in the Olympics.
Right, you know what I'm saying?
Guy goes, hey, you want some gold?
He goes, yeah.
There you go.
Honey, I love you.
You can tell because there's some gold.
I bought you a little good gold.
Or silver, same thing, you know, if you don't love them quite as much, but
still you love them.
You go, here you go.
I love you, you know, not as much as
the golden lady over there.
Whatever it is,
I don't think anybody
fucking buys bronze.
Here you go, honey.
Some bronze earrings.
They're a little heavy, but
you'll get used to them.
They're bronze.
So that's in the Olympics.
You know, here's your bronze medal.
We gave them precious medals, but
anyways,
whatever.
We're giving you copper alloy.
Look how it doesn't shine.
Well,
congratulations on being the third
fastest man on Earth.
Here's your fucking shit thing
we're giving you.
I was like,
thank you.
You have to stand lower
than everyone else
we've decided.
We'll play,
we'll get to your fucking country's
song.
After the other countries.
But man,
I love being in Nashville.
I'll tell you that,
you know,
I've been here like three days.
I'll tell you that.
That's the only people
that like it?
They're like,
yeah, yeah,
that's about it.
Three days.
He's still in his three-day
honeymoon phase
where he likes it.
So it sucks.
You know what's good about it?
You know what I like so far
about it the most?
Honestly.
The inside.
If I'm outside,
I spend most of my time
thinking about inside.
I go,
I gotta get me some of that
Houston inside.
In a lot of cities,
you know,
you just have inside
but you take it for granted.
Here you go,
I can't get inside, man.
Holy fucking shit.
What is this?
What on earth is this?
Gives you perspective.
You know,
you're blessed.
You're inside.
People don't really...
But also,
of course,
it's nice now
because we can all
be very focused
with our impending death
with the hurricanes.
I find myself
much more focused now.
I was wise enough
to book a flight
out of here
Monday evening.
I don't get a bonus
for it or anything.
And I was saying,
where the fuck
says hurricane?
They're like,
eh,
that's like,
you know,
nine hours away.
I'm like,
is that by,
are you clocking it
by fucking,
a guy driving a car time
or hurricane time?
Hurricane,
and they don't know
nothing about
fucking time
and speed limits
or that shit.
They do their own
fucking thing.
I don't want to see
one of those fuckers,
man.
I get nervous
just seeing the TV
where the guy is
chasing them
for some reason.
Most retarded job ever.
You know,
the fuck gets into that?
Go,
hey, honey,
uh,
I'm going to introduce
you to my parents
tonight.
Maybe you shouldn't
tell them
you're a hurricane
chaser.
Dad's kind of
old-fashioned.
And I've always
been this little girl
and, uh,
I don't know
if you'd want me
to marry a,
a hurrican,
man who chases
hurricanes.
I mean,
it's a great job.
How do you want
to be that
when you're a kid?
Ever since you're a kid,
you don't see a fucker?
Imagine a kid,
you know,
seeing a fucking hurricane.
I didn't think
it would be
the most horrible
thing ever.
I'd never think
like if I was a kid.
Hey, man,
I should chase
that fucker.
Big, giant,
fucking,
crazy,
chilling thing,
you know?
I'd think
the exact opposite.
I'd be, uh,
there's no money
in it,
but I would be
a hurricane
runner away from it.
If I had a job
for that.
But, anyway.
I hope we don't die.
That'd be
fucking sick.
How about
I come here
for five days.
I'm here
for, like,
four months.
I'm on a roof,
you know?
That's what happens
in these fucking
things, right?
We're on a roof
while a helicopter's
going up.
Can you stop
taking pictures
of me?
And pick me up?
I know.
I know
it makes
a good picture.
a guy sitting
on his roof,
but please,
help me.
Oh, fuck, man.
The politics
and everything
is nowadays
and the shit,
and, um,
this is a bad
time for me
because, you know,
the thing with politics,
you gotta have
an opinion.
And,
I don't have,
I don't have
a lot of opinion.
I don't even know
where people get them.
I just,
I'm so,
like,
I know so little
that basically,
like,
whatever they heard
on the TV,
like,
yesterday,
I believe that.
Like,
I'll just say that
to somebody,
you know?
I'll be at a party
and I'll go,
hey,
uh,
I blame the media.
I'm gonna go
get a sandwich,
man,
but think about it.
You talk about
all that Iraq shit
and economy
and everything.
Think about
the fucking media,
man.
I gotta go get my drink.
I'll be back.
And then you can just
stay on that
all the way.
People go,
hey,
what about
the deficit
where you're like,
shh,
fucking people,
man,
you don't know
about the media.
Whatever,
whatever,
maybe that's what
it is,
deficit.
That's how you
gotta deal
with those words
where they bring
up deficit
where you don't
even know
what the fucking
word means.
You know,
so you're at a
huge disadvantage
in the conversation.
That's why
like at parties
I can always
like,
I can always find
like guys
that I can talk to
that are the same
dumbness level
or smartness level
and because I can
talk to super smart
guys,
man,
but I can be
at a party
and I got,
you know,
I've got gay guys
to have gaydar.
I'm like that.
I'm like that
with other guys.
I can see a guy
immediately at a party
and go,
hey,
I can talk to that
fucker over there.
I'm pretty sure
I can keep up
with that guy.
I saddled my way
over to that character
and then,
you know,
we talk about
chughead comics
for a while.
I take a powder
and that's a good
fucking party.
the worst
thing you get
caught talking
to the smart
guy at the party.
That's not any fun.
I don't know
the way they invite
those fuckers
to a party.
It's supposed to be
a party
and tell me
how a smart guy
should have.
So,
you know,
like you're in the
kitchen and everything
and there's like
five guys
and all of a sudden
you're talking
and everything
and shit
and three guys
leave
and it's you
and the fucking
smart guy,
you know.
and the guy's like,
anyways,
deficit.
And you're like,
yep.
Yep.
Hey,
listen,
I'm going to get
a drink from the
fridge.
I'm not going to run
away or anything
like that.
I'll come back.
You guys,
you'll come back?
Yeah.
Because the guy's
heard it before.
I've got to go
to the fridge
because he's heard
most in his life
and so have I.
Poor guy.
You know,
it's not his fault
he's smarter
but nobody wants
to talk to a smart guy.
I find it hard
to talk to people
anyway.
You know,
like,
you've got time
but you've got to
listen.
Like,
that's what my
friend would say.
Hey,
the key is to
listen.
But you ever
try just listening?
It's not enough,
you know,
because you listen
and listen
and then finally
the guy fucking
stops talking
and then
you're fucked.
You've got nothing
and you're like,
oh, oh, oh.
I forgot to think
of some shit
this day.
While you were talking.
Sorry about that.
Anyway,
continue
and then I'll
try to think
of something.
so you've got to
fucking,
whatever the guy
is saying,
he's saying this shit,
you've got to listen
and then as soon
as he says
something you know
about,
you've got to
fucking have something
like,
kiss the other one.
You go,
hey,
Fonzie,
you just mentioned
Fonzie.
I know something
about Fonzie.
I'll wait
until this fucking
guy stops talking
and then I will
tell him that thing
I know about
Fonzie.
and I doodly-doo,
doodly-doo.
Doodly-doo.
Doodly-doo.
Doodly-doo.
Oh!
You guys are talking
about something else
there.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, I noticed
you were talking
about something else
there, which is
interesting,
but hey,
how about earlier
when you weren't?
Remember we were
talking about Fonzie?
Oh, yeah.
That's Fonzie.
He was a character,
huh?
His real name
was not Fonzie.
Henry Winkler.
All right,
you talk for a while,
then.
It's not good at all.
That's horrible
at the conversation.
Yeah, sometimes
you got stories
that you know
are good.
You got,
you got like
some stories,
not many.
Sadly,
when you look
at your entire life,
but I got six.
Six interesting,
like,
entertaining,
funny things
that happened
in my life
that people
always like
to hear about.
You know?
And, but,
the thing is,
if I get a new friend
or something like that,
I have to decide
how to fucking
beat out
those six stories
over what period
of time
I want to take.
It's not good
if it's six days,
if you do six
in six days,
that's not good.
Because then the guy
is like,
this is the most
interesting motherfucker
I ever met.
He's got more
great stories
per day
than any man
I ever met.
Then, of course,
you, you know,
you're retired,
you know?
That's the worst
when you repeat
a story to a person.
Oh, fuck, man,
that's the worst
thing in life.
You're like,
yeah, Bill,
did I ever tell you
that story
about that time
that they met
Matlock
in the airport?
And then the guy
goes, yeah,
there you go.
Anyways,
I was in the airport
and they just told you
not to
and he kept on.
And I was reading
a Jughead comic
and he was reading
one of the big books
so I decided
to sidle over
the side of there
and try to
kind of talk to him.
Anyways,
the guy goes,
you told me the story.
I did, man,
he was reading
and I thought
I'd pick up
a big book.
You told me the story.
It turned out
it wasn't Matlock,
right?
I'm like,
oh, yeah,
I told you the story.
My best story.
Fair enough,
I guess we've
got to stop
being friends
and start all over
trolling the malls
and telling people
my first story.
That's how I get
my first friend.
I owe them
my third best story.
So,
what else
is going on,
man?
I watch the news.
I don't know
anything about it,
obviously.
I don't know.
It's funny when they,
you ever see on CNN
where they actually
ask a question
that says,
do you believe
in the president's
approval rating
thing is going down
in case of
the economy
when the deficit
of the war,
you know?
And then,
it's a pie graph.
It says,
like,
45% yes,
50% no,
5% I don't know.
So,
it's like me,
I don't know.
And the interesting thing
is,
at the end of the,
as we near November,
what usually happens is,
all the people that know,
they already figured out
what they're going to do,
right?
Then the election's
always closed.
Then they go,
hey,
we got to get those people
that don't know shit
to decide our election.
Those people that really
have no opinion
on anything.
So,
these people are obviously,
you know,
very easy to get
as long as you can
get through to them
because they don't know
a lot of stuff.
So,
you'll notice,
like,
when it gets closer,
it'll start with
kind of things
about health care
and domestic policy
and all that
and those work.
But then,
at the end,
when they're just going
to the I don't know people,
I remember last year,
because it happened,
it was,
and they had two commercials.
One was for,
it's for guys like me.
It was targeted
for guys like me.
It was a big,
it showed some wolves,
you know,
like,
hanging out.
And,
it said,
hey,
how'd you like to be
eaten by a wolf?
And the